to hate visiting my partners mother??

[nellie75]

My partner is a serious mummys boy, (he's 36 by the way) on his day off he has to go and see her and his aunt and expects me to go so we can take the children, my youngest who is eighteen weeks old is very clingy and doesn't seem to like being held by them that much and usually screams the house down - there response babies should cry and they won't give her back to me to settle her down!! All she actually wants is mummy or daddy but my partner seems to think that what his mother says is gospel, i find this really hard to deal with and very upsetting, it doesn't help that i am suffering with post natal depression and all he says to that is that it is in my head! We have to go for the day tomorrow and i really don't want to but can't see any way out of it, he has told me in the past that if i don't want to go he'll go with the baby but i don't want to be away from her for a whole day knowing that 90% of the time she will only settle with me. His opinion is that i am being unreasonable, am i???

"she is more mine than his, i carried her, i gave birth to her and whilst he and most fathers can happily go back to work two weeks after birth i don't know any woman who could"

And you still think you are acting reasonably?to me that comment is the height of ignorance.to presume you are more of a parent due to your sex. nice to see you still haven't answered the question i have now asked three times, could this be because your answers would further highlight your hypocrisy on this matter?

Amen - do you know anything about PNd, which the OP has already admitted she has. Just because you cannot defend a feeling or emotion doesnot mean that you feel it any less...give her a break.

i know - it was more aimed at amen. i was trying to say - dont debate it, recognise shes got other issues and give her a break!

hold on, i'm not the one who started this debate.she was the one who asked an internet forum for opinions.i gave mine. if she has pnd and can't recognise unreasonable behaviour and asks others wether or not she is being unreasonable what should i do?lie to her so that she thinks what she is doing is ok?or give my honest opinion that she is not so that she can then examine her behaviour.i am simply giving the arguments for the other side.we all have irrational feelings, but acting on them and trying to defend them without logical explanations is not feesable.i am looking at it from the fathers side and he is being denied a lot right now with his daughter because of the mother.and my point is simply if the father was acting in exactly the same way as she is, then she would not accept it so why should he?

she wasnt after a debate, she was asking for people to validate her feelings. most people said to sort out the PND and then re evaluate if you read between the lines. men arent great at that though

Hard to answer a question on something that would never happen but i wouldn't let it anyway so yes there you go i'm totally unreasonable but i'm all my mums got, her husband died when i was 17

so let me get this straight. she asked if she was being unreasonable not so she could get honest feedback but just to be told she was right regardless of the facts and if you did think she was being unreasonable you were not to answer as that wouldn't make her feel very good about being unreasonable.
well thats really going to help the problem.

so if you can recognise that you are being unreasonable would you not let your husband take his child to his mothers?

amen also you never answered any of my questions on if it was you in this situation

no because unreasonable is the only way i can be to stop myself totally breaking down and losing it, the thought of not being with her for a day makes me ill

sigh. began to write a response but realised you wont ever get it so wont bother.

Amen, I think you're showing a typically male attitude towards someone who is obviously in a vulnerable emotional state. With situations such a PND, it is not best to go in like a bull in a china shop arguing about Fathers rights. That is clearly not the issue.

Amen and Nellie - go to the Postnatal depression alliance (google the name it'll come up.) Sounds like you could both do with some information on PND and how to treat a sufferer. Nellie, I think this would be a good one to show your DH. I did the same for mine when I suffered and it did actually make him realise what I was experiencing.

Nellie, I can see that you feel clearly undermined by your MIL, and I think if any of us were in the same situation then we would feel the same way.

I don't know many mothers who would happily give up their small babies for the day knowing that she would probably be unsettled for the best part of it. First time Fathers often take a little time to get into the swing of things, and that is not a sexist comment, it's just the way it is. Same goes for first time mothers (of which you are not one.)

It's good you're going to the Docs about PND, this will help.

Re the Christmas situation, we had the same problem 4 years ago when our son was born. So I put my foot down and said we would do one GP's one year and one the other, and whoever we didn't see on Christmas day, we would duplicate that day on Boxing day.

To get the ball rolling you could suggest this to your DH ,with his mother being the first to have the Christmas day with you, and you go to your Mums on boxing day. Then when next year comes around, you have the ultimate bargaining tool. 'Ah yes, but we went to your Mother's last year. It's my Mother's this year. Fair is fair.'

krispiecakes do you mean me??

I think she means amen!

no nellie!!! amen - sorry x posts!

what did you think of my suggestion of asking DP if your mum can be invited to his mums this christmas?

she'd go to his mums to be with me and the kids and not alone, what i have against that idea is a) having to take all presents for three kids and b) they have a tiny cottage with no table to eat at, it would be very cramped where as lots of room in mums house and only two minutes from our house

oh sorry i'll answer them now.if the mother of my child wanted to take our child for the day and be alone with them at her mothers i would gladly allow that to happen.
as for krispie- i get that she has pnd.but her question wasn't have i got pnd,or my pnd is making me act unreasonably what should i do.her question was am i being unreasonable ? in trying to stop the father spending time with his child. if the only answer to my arguments is that she has pnd well then was there ever any point in her asking the question? and why is it not an appropraite time to discuss fathers rights?are you suggesting that fathers rights are secondary and can only be considered when mothers rights are all in order? do you think my arguments have been unreasonable, personally i am just sick of the attitude that the mother is somehow the #1 parent by reason of their sex. the topic in hand concerned a mother acting in a manner towards her husband that she would not accept if he acted that way to her and asking if she was being unreasonable.she then offered up her reasons and opinions so i offered up mine.

sorry, said husband their by accident, meant father.

Why don't you invite them all to your house? It's a nightmare to have to carry all the prezzies around with you. Actually I forgot, but last year we said we weren't leaving the house on Xmas day and that if people wanted to come and see us they could. MIL sucked lemons over that one, and didn't talk to me for a month, but hey ho. She could have easily come over Xmas day morning or evening and didn't bother. The invite was there.

I would say, don't do what I've spent the last 4 years doing, and that is tying myself up in knots trying to make everyone else happy, and in turn giving myself loads of work to do.

I think your argument could be as long as the grandparents see their children on Xmas day, does it really matter where we are? If one house has more living space than another then it would make sense to hold it there.

Amen, nellie didn't come on here to start a "debate" as you put it so stop being a complete fuckwit towards her.

The woman is suffering from PND for crying out loud and if you would care to read the posts lots of people have suggested that she tackles this first so that she can clear her persective on things.

As far as i'm concerned whether she is being unreasonable or not is irrelevent the woman is suffering and needs support to get through that first, then you can verbally bash her for being unreasonable.

Amen, mothers aren't the No 1 parent, but generally speaking they are the main carer, as they tend to have things like breast milk easily available!

Fathers rights are very important, just as important as the mothers IMO, BUT, I think this particular thread is not one to start arguing the toss over parents rights.

The main issue the OP has, is that she doesn't want to go visiting her MIL because she's rather interfering!

amen. yes, i was suggesting that your comments were unreasonable. you hadnt taken all the facts into consideration and thats what reasoning is.