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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate visiting my partners mother??

88 replies

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 09:36

My partner is a serious mummys boy, (he's 36 by the way) on his day off he has to go and see her and his aunt and expects me to go so we can take the children, my youngest who is eighteen weeks old is very clingy and doesn't seem to like being held by them that much and usually screams the house down - there response babies should cry and they won't give her back to me to settle her down!! All she actually wants is mummy or daddy but my partner seems to think that what his mother says is gospel, i find this really hard to deal with and very upsetting, it doesn't help that i am suffering with post natal depression and all he says to that is that it is in my head! We have to go for the day tomorrow and i really don't want to but can't see any way out of it, he has told me in the past that if i don't want to go he'll go with the baby but i don't want to be away from her for a whole day knowing that 90% of the time she will only settle with me. His opinion is that i am being unreasonable, am i???

OP posts:

tinkerbellie · 05/07/2007 12:13

yanbu i think it is good for your mil to see the baby and also for your partner but you donlt have to go every week

we had this prob too although dh was a lot more supportive, his mum would insist on us getting taxi to her house every weekend (this cost us £30 altogther)and we would have to spend the whole day there she would sit and smoke all day even though i repeatedly asked her not to around the kids on the end we stopped going altogether because of this and now she visits us every other week

can't you say to your partner that you would just like to spend a day just with him and the baby?

edam · 05/07/2007 12:23

YANBU. Your MIL sounds like a bit of a bully tbh and your dh too.

If he 'doesn't believe in PND' (how many medical qualifications does he have, exactly?) then maybe it would be worth taking him to the docs, too. Or at least asking him if he could come with you. (Obv. not if that would stop you talking honestly with the doctor. Maybe ask the doc if you could have a second appointment with your partner?)

Think you need a long chat with him. Or maybe write him a letter - sometimes it's easier to put things in writing. Or just write a letter saying all the things you would really, really like to say and then burn it - so you don't get dragged into a row but do get these feelings off your chest.

If I were you, I would tell him that while you are pleased he is close to his mother, you are now a family and at the moment, the two of you and your lovely dd need to come first. He's all grown up and needs to realise he's not a mummy's boy any more.

Explain that while you would like your dd to be close to her grandmother, criticism of your parenting, demands to see the baby so often it is interfering in your family life, demands to see the baby without you and refusal to give your baby to you when she is crying are out of line and that if she wants to see her grandchild, she has to recognise that you are her mother and respect your wishes. Your baby is not a possession and you are not a brood mare who can be sidelined once she's reproduced!

edam · 05/07/2007 12:29

Amen, I honestly don't think it is unreasonable for the mothers of very young babies to object to people who demand to take the baby away in a 'sod off, if you don't obey me I will bloody well take the baby and go and do what I want' manner. I think it's downright wrong of anyone to take an infant away from his/her mother without the mother's approval, tbh.

The OP's partner works very long hours IIRC so the baby probably doesn't know him that well and is likedly to be stressed and distressed if her mother just disappears (from the baby's POV).

krispiecakes · 05/07/2007 12:32

i think amen just likes being controversal for the sake of it. noticed lot on other threads too.

amen · 05/07/2007 12:34

"Amen, I honestly don't think it is unreasonable for the mothers of very young babies to object to people who demand to take the baby away in a 'sod off, if you don't obey me I will bloody well take the baby and go and do what I want' manner. I think it's downright wrong of anyone to take an infant away from his/her mother without the mother's approval, tbh."

and your concern for the father in this is where? this is not some stranger taking the baby and sodding off for weeks on end.
this is the father wanting to take the child to his mothers for the day.
he wants his wife and her children to come along aswell but if she refuses to come what should he do?just accept it? surely the mother is now doing exactly what you just condemned and having an attitude of "obey me it is more my child than yours and if you don't like it tough i'll do what i want".

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 12:44

Amen but excuse me it is a stranger taking her away from the person she knows, ie. me her dad leaves for work at half seven and often isn't home till after ten so she can go days without seeing him because she is asleep when he is at home and so doesn't really know him at all, how is that fair on her regardless of what i want??

OP posts:

amen · 05/07/2007 12:55

the fact that you just described the father of your child who wants to be actively involved as a stranger tells me all i need to know about wether or not you are being unreasonable.

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 12:59

Yep krispiecakes is right either that or you are male

OP posts:

amen · 05/07/2007 13:04

"i think amen just likes being controversal for the sake of it. noticed lot on other threads too."

no i am male. i think it only seems that i am trying to be controversial because alot of the threads on this site are quite long so i only post on ones where i have an oppossing view to the general consensus and would enjoy a debate.the reasons i tend not to post on threads where i agree with the general view is because i don't think another reply just aggreeing with the sentiment would lend anything to the thread hwere as a different point of view or perspective can lead to a debate and maybe exchange of information which in my opinion improves the thread.

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 13:07

Ok them amen answer this question as i presume you have children, if someone hurt your children in whatever way you would want to do whatever you could to protect them i presume, is it not the same thing??

OP posts:

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 13:09

And if your partner or wife never saw your child or children because you were their main carer would it not bother you if she took them away from their security blanket of you?

OP posts:

amen · 05/07/2007 13:14

no i don't think it's the same thing.this is not child abuse.this is a father wanting to take his child to his mothers for the day.he would like you to come but as you say you do not like it and would rather not go,that's fine that is your decision.but then what?because you have decided what is best for the child the father has no say in this?so now you are the sole decision maker with regards to parenting issues and this stranger has no rights?i don't mean to sound insulting when i ask this (honestly i amn just wondering) but is this more about you not wanting to be away from the child rather than what is good for the child, to me it sounds selfish? if as you say the father is a stranger surely this would be a good bonding exercise then for father and child to have daddy take care of her for the day and be involved.as you say he often doesn't see her for days on end and now you want to stop him being alone with his own child and seeing her during his day off.what would your reaction be if he refused to allow you to bring the child to your parents or anywhereelse as he didn't think the child would be happy with you?

tinkerbellie · 05/07/2007 13:27

surley if the ftaher doesn't see his child very often on his precious days off he would want to spend time with the baby and his partner

oooh my mistake he would rather spend the time at his mum's and listen to her putting his partner down whilst the baby screams for his/her mummy because his mum obv want to make some sort of point

also if she doesn't want to go he will take the baby on his own? what about spending time togethe maybe dad should spend some alone time with baby before his mother forces herself on him/her

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 13:44

I do see your point but there is a part of me that doesn't trust him to come back with her at all and yes that might be the pnd talking but i just don't know and i can't take the risk that will happen

OP posts:

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 13:45

tinkerbellie i have even suggested him going out for an hour or two with her for a nice walk or something of his choice that doesn't involve him going to see his mother, he doesn't agree thats a good idea

OP posts:

amen · 05/07/2007 13:50

"I do see your point but there is a part of me that doesn't trust him to come back with her at all and yes that might be the pnd talking but i just don't know and i can't take the risk that will happen"

come on now,how can you not see that this is unreasonable. you are acting as though it is your child and your child alone and that the father is a potential kidnapper.it is his child too.

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 13:52

If your dw took your child/children and you couldn't see them because you didn't know where they were would that be reasonable, and he has threatened to do that

OP posts:

amen · 05/07/2007 14:05

so in the last 18 weeks where he has been working 16 hours a day and doesn't see his child often he has threatened to take her and runaway? sorry to sound cynical but to only mention this now in your reasons for not wanting him to go on a day trip to his mothers seems odd.i'm not saying it hasn't happened but surely this would have been your main reason at the first post rather than a dislike for your mother and concern that your child doesn't know the father. i am simply asking you what makes you think you have the right to refuse the father permission to be alone with his child. you never answered my question.as you said earlier on you leave the child alone with your mother for a couple of hours.what if the father decided he would not allow this anymore?if he decided that he was now the sole decisiopn maker.would you think he was being reasonable?

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 14:08

i didn't mention it before because it makes me sound like an idiot for being with and having a child with someone who could do that, i also mentioned earlier that i encouraged him to go for walks etc just the two of them which he won't do, he only wants her without me when his mum is about.

OP posts:

amen · 05/07/2007 14:14

and what would stop him from taking the child if he went for a walk alone?my point was is it really a fear that he will steal your child or is it a dislike for his mother?also you still seem to be avoiding my question.what if he decided to refuse to let the child see your mother?if he refused to allow you to take the child anywhere alone?would you accept this as reasonable,would you accept his decision and say fine.yet you don't think you are being unreasonable in doing exactly the same to him.you really do feel that the child is more yours than his don't you?

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 14:17

she is more mine than his, i carried her, i gave birth to her and whilst he and most fathers can happily go back to work two weeks after birth i don't know any woman who could

OP posts:

obimomkanobi · 05/07/2007 14:19

Amen, some capital letters and punctuation would make your pearls of wisdom a tad more readable.

To the OP: YANBU, and like others have said, get thee to a doctors. Get your PND sorted and then tackle the MIL situation.

mumto3girls · 05/07/2007 14:20

Nellie - sit him down and tell him you will never move in with his mum.Ask id YOUR mumcan come with you to he place for Christmas, tell DP if he EVER threatens to tak eyour children from you again you will leave him and tell him that visiting his mother with you & baby can happen once a fortnight and the ohter week he can go alone if he chooses (alternatively you could do domething as a family together?)
Get leaflets from docs abut PND and make him read them.

krispiecakes · 05/07/2007 14:22

look, i just think that nellie is suffering badly with PND and cant see the woods from the trees, she feels misunderstood and vunerable and feels like people around her (dp and mil) are attacking her. I also think strangers giving advice in these circumstances are pointless because we dont know the full history. You just need receive help from the doctor and have some kind of relationship councelling with dp, maybe even individual councelling.
I can understand where you are coming from because i have suffered PND but part of your reasoning does sound unreasonable to strangers which is why its never going get resolved on mn.

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 14:24

krispiecakes you're probably right but it is nice to get it off my chest

OP posts:

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