Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take children to woodland burial

114 replies

HomeEc · 16/02/2019 13:19

FIL has terminal cancer. MIL has already booked his woodland burial plot and is insisting all the grand children attend.
AIBU to not want my children to attend.
FIL has fallen out over the years with nearly all colleagues, neighbours and even my parents, I suspect turn out will be low.

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 16/02/2019 13:20

How old are the children and would they want to go?

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 16/02/2019 13:21

My mum always says you should bury a grudge with a person. What’s the harm in going, your mil might like the support.

Figgygal · 16/02/2019 13:22

How old are your children?

SheRaa · 16/02/2019 13:23

I think it’s totally up to you & your decision as a parent whether you want children to be there.

I had similar recently that my Mum had terminal cancer & she was the opposite & decreed no children.

Loopytiles · 16/02/2019 13:23

Yes, what ages are DC, and what have their relationships with their GF been like? What is your H’s view?

Chopchopbusybusy · 16/02/2019 13:24

Is your objection because it’s a woodland burial or you don’t like your FIL or because your children are too young? It’s not clear from your OP which it is.

paintinmyhairAgain · 16/02/2019 13:25

how do you get on with mil ? how old are dc not that should matter as death is part of life and shouldn't be hidden away as that makes it scarier.
if you think turnout will be low may be that's why she wants gdc there. although i would only go because i wanted to not because she insisted.

JingsMahBucket · 16/02/2019 13:25

Why don’t you want the children to attend? Is it because it’s a woodland burial or because you don’t like the man? What’s the relationship between your children and your FIL like?

Sirzy · 16/02/2019 13:26

How old are the children? What do they want?

What does the children’s father want?

FadedRed · 16/02/2019 13:26

Well your MIL can insist all she wants, doesn’t mean you have to do what she wants.
How old are your children and do they want to go? That’s the question. If they are old enough to understand the basics of what is going on and want to go, then you know your children and make the decision based on that knowledge.

Original poster
HomeEc · 16/02/2019 13:26

Kids are 5 & 7 with a 'normal' attention span. FIL frightens them.
I want to ask a friend to look after them, while going with DH.

Obviously we'll talk to the kids about death but do they really need to see a burial....

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 16/02/2019 13:27

How old are they?

It’s not about him, really. It’s about what your mil wants.

Sirzy · 16/02/2019 13:28

At 5 and 7 I would talk to them and give them a choice.

I think we often do children a disservice by trying to hide them from these things when they can actually be very helpful in providing an understanding of what has happened.

Thehop · 16/02/2019 13:29

My boys missed my dads ceremony and cremation but came to the wake. They were slightly younger than yours. My 10 year old came to everything.

Maybe that’s a compromise for you?

AJPTaylor · 16/02/2019 13:29

I agree with you op. My kids have attended funerals over the years. A few years ago we went to one that was a burial. I found it deeply upsetting as did they.

KarineAimee · 16/02/2019 13:29

I went to a woodland burial of a family friend recently. Her grandchildren were there and spent most of it playing in the trees nearby. I thought how lovely that they could be there with their family but still act like children. I can’t imagine how different it would have been in a crematorium or large cemetery. So I don’t think the type of burial should necessarily put you off.

But if your objection is more about family relationships, then I’m afraid that’s one only you can decide. Are your DC old enough to form their own view on whether they want to go or not?

user1457017537 · 16/02/2019 13:30

Personally I don’t think children under16 should attend funerals. I think it plays on their minds and isn’t fair on them.

paintinmyhairAgain · 16/02/2019 13:32

fil frightens them hardly going to do that now is he ? sorry, to be so flippant but i think karine 's idea is nice.

BejamNostalgia · 16/02/2019 13:32

Honestly, if it is really about your children and what they can cope with then YANBU. But if it’s really about cocking a snook at people you don’t like using a funeral, then YABU.

MyBaa · 16/02/2019 13:33

What has the fact that it's in a woodland got to do with anything? Surely a funeral's a funeral...no matter where it is.

paintinmyhairAgain · 16/02/2019 13:34

user it's a shame you feel that way but it's because of this attitude that death is such a scary thing so many people. it's taboo because none talks about it, that possibly makes it more upsetting in the long run.

AnnaMagnani · 16/02/2019 13:34

Will it be a burial or ashes at the woodland? Cremation is far more popular.

Either way woodland burial is probably the nicest way to see a funeral service if you have to - much less formal and out in the countryside.

Plus if all the grandchildren are there, and v few other people there is the potential for them all to be playing together, or you to take them aside and muck about if they aren't following what is going on.

What is their relationship like with MIL?

MitziK · 16/02/2019 13:36

If he frightened them so much, is it possible that attending his burial means that they'll know he's never going to come back and frighten them again, whereas not seeing it means he could 'still be out there/going to come and get them'?

C8H10N4O2 · 16/02/2019 13:37

Obviously we'll talk to the kids about death but do they really need to see a burial....

Why on earth not? They are part of the family and death is part of life.

I grew up going to family funerals as did my children. I learned from them that it was normal to be sad, normal to die and normal to remember and celebrate that person and to be able to say goodbye. Also that it was normal to have a special place to remember them on aniversaries etc, or somewhere you could still go and "talk" to them if you wished.

I'm not sure if the hiding of aspects of death (and sanitising of death into "passing") is a recent thing but children at funerals was standard when I was young and I'm very glad I was able to attend and participate.

My children were never distressed attending funerals (other than normal sadness) but some of their young friends learned that funerals were something to fear as they were never allowed to attend.

Racecardriver · 16/02/2019 13:38

I don’t understand why you don’t want to take them. Is it because they didn’t like him? That would be fair enough I suppose. It would be a good life experience for them though and would help prepare them for when people they like die so you may want to take them anyway if this would be ther first funeral.