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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take children to woodland burial

114 replies

HomeEc · 16/02/2019 13:19

FIL has terminal cancer. MIL has already booked his woodland burial plot and is insisting all the grand children attend.
AIBU to not want my children to attend.
FIL has fallen out over the years with nearly all colleagues, neighbours and even my parents, I suspect turn out will be low.

OP posts:
SuziQ10 · 16/02/2019 13:40

What did he do that frightened them?

I don't think you should feel any pressure at all to take them. Many people don't take their DC to funerals and that's fine, they have their reasons.

JingsMahBucket · 16/02/2019 13:41

@paintinmyhairAgain I agree. I come from several cultures where death is normal and dealt with as a proper cycle of life. I don’t think it does anybody or a society favours to shield people from it. We’re all going to die or have someone we love die at some poin so just deal with it.

slipperywhensparticus · 16/02/2019 13:41

Will he be wrapped or wicker will they "know" its him?

Original poster
HomeEc · 16/02/2019 13:43

I've never been to a woodland burial. I can imagine MIL will expect a perfect, well behaved line up of grand kids. I'm worried that it will be chucking it with rain and my two will be off whacking stuff with sticks.

If it was a standard cremation, they would sit in the formal setting and listen. The chosen location is basically a field with lots of young trees.

OP posts:
Cheeeeislifenow · 16/02/2019 13:45

Yabu. But it's your choice, death is a part if life as is birth. Children should be spoken to honestly and not shielded from upset. It is how we learn coping skills in life.
Obviously in an age appropriate way. I think a woodland burial sounds lovely!

Marmelised · 16/02/2019 13:46

We took the decision that our children aged 5 and 7 should not attend their grandfather's funeral and burial. 5 yr old had bad stomach that afternoon when left with babysitter with sister and cousins - stress related. Years later we found that she had thought her grandfather's skeleton would be on display and goodness knows what else. I came to the conclusion that the reality would have been much less scary for her than her imagination. if I had to do it again I would take them.

Springwalk · 16/02/2019 13:46

I agree with you op, and moreover they are your children and it is your decision to make. You could be setting them up for months or years of nightmares and fear.
I went to my grandfathers funeral as a child, and found it unbearably sad, I was frightened by the adults crying uncontrollably. It was awful seeing him go into the ground.
I spent years worrying about death afterwards.

My dc will not go to a funeral until they are old enough to decide for themselves. 13 plus or thereabouts.

I would agree with MIL that they will go to the wake only if you are happy to do that.

StressedToTheMaxx · 16/02/2019 13:47

When my dgm passed my dc where 7 and 2.
I left them with dp for the cremation and they came to the wake.
I personally think around 10 for any burial/ cremations (unless they where very prominent people in the dcs lives. )
I remember the first funeral I went to I was 8 and it wasn't a great experience.

Giggorata · 16/02/2019 13:47

Agree with C8H10N4O2. Similar experiences here..

My own DC attended various family burials when young and now as adults tell us that they would not have wished to be left out of a ritual to say goodbye to someone they loved.

Of course, we were child appropriately frank about death, etc, rather than using euphemisms. I read somewhere years ago about someone being terrified that they would be buried when asleep, because adults used the term “fell asleep” rather than died.

Original poster
HomeEc · 16/02/2019 13:47

I'm under huge amounts of family pressure on this so your comments are really helpful

OP posts:
flowersinthebedroom · 16/02/2019 13:47

These woodland places can be really muddy and slippery at this time of year, so you'd likely be distracted by the children running around by the sounds of it.
Your MIL can insist all she likes but it's your and your husband's decision, not hers.

Happygolucky009 · 16/02/2019 13:47

I have only attended 1 woodland funeral , no children present. 6 months later though all the family returned and decorated the plot with bulbs and a tree. it was a lovely experience which the kids completely understood without having to deal with the adult grief

melissasummerfield · 16/02/2019 13:48

I wouldnt take children that age to any kind of funeral, why expose them to it if you dont need to?

Sirzy · 16/02/2019 13:49

What does their father think? His views are surely the most important

Badtasteflump · 16/02/2019 13:49

Generally I would say children shouldn’t be excluded from family funerals. It’s a sad but standard part of life we all have to learn to cope with - hiding it and making it mysterious and scary doesn’t help.

But the issue is do you want to pay your respects to this man or not? If not, do the bare minimum, which may mean going without them and staying as least time as possible.

If the issue is that you can’t make your DC behave decently at a funeral because they are uncontrollable around a few sticks and trees, then tbh you have a big problem with discipline.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 16/02/2019 13:53

I took my 7 year old and his older brothers to a funeral a couple of days ago. They have all been to other funerals as well. Obviously they were upset, but they were upset anyway because they loved the relative who had died.

If they hadn't known him, I would have given the older ones a choice, and sent the younger ones to school. I live in a place with no trees, so a woodland burial isn't going to be a problem for us, but I'd just make sure I knew as much about it as possible, so that I could make sure they knew what to expect.

LifeOfBriony · 16/02/2019 13:54

I wanted my DCs to attend a funeral of someone they were not particularly close to so they could see and understand what happens, before they had to attend a funeral of someone they cared about. So I asked them both if they would attend DH's GM's funeral - they had met her several times but were not close. Both were in their teens at the time and weren't sure if they wanted to go (apart from wanting to miss school), but both went and with hindsight we were all glad they did. Since then we have had several bereavements and therefore funerals and I think these would have been more difficult for my DCs if they had not attended a funeral already.

Springwalk · 16/02/2019 13:56

It is not about ‘shielding’ them from death, as much as waiting until they are old enough not to be terrified by it. Preserving a chold’s Innocence and introducing death in a gentle non threatening way worked for my dc. If children become frightened by what they see, it will have the opposite effect of building resilience and understanding. Quite apart from the fear that they may then lose you, dh etc.

Hold firm. Your MIL is being very selfish insisting that they be there to pad out the numbers. It is not a wedding! No matter how lovely a woodland burial may be, they will still see his coffin and him being lowered into the ground, and never to be seen again.

Compromise on the wake, and then arrange to plant flowers and ‘decorate’ his resting place. That is far more appropriate.

Sweepingcalamity · 16/02/2019 13:56

Well I'm half Irish and Catholic and funerals are a big thing in my culture - children always attend - it's a big family occasion so my thoughts on this may be biased but I would have thought that a woodland setting is easier on children then having to sit in a formal church setting. If you are worried about them not behaving, then you have to talk them through it beforehand and do the best you can. Yes it is upsetting seeing a coffin put in the ground but death is part of life and ime children are often a lot more matter of fact about it than us adults. You can prepare them for this also explaining about the circle of life etc. Ultimately though (within reason) this is about what your mil wants and you do what makes it easier for her at what must be one of (if not the) most difficult time in her life. I understand you are worried about your dcs' reactions but they will take their cue from you.

Tinkobell · 16/02/2019 13:57

At this age, I would give them the choice but be neutral about it. My DC's have always attended funerals and actually wanted of their own free will to have an active roll making a little speech or placing flowers.

bridgetreilly · 16/02/2019 13:57

It's not about MIL, it's about the children. She doesn't get to insist that they attend.

However, I would say that they are certainly old enough to begin to understand about death, and unless there's a particular reason to think they wouldn't cope with it, it's generally better for children to be involved in going to funerals. It's less scary when you are there than if you are left to imagine it. So I would take them, but not because your MIL says so!

Blackbear10 · 16/02/2019 13:57

The main worry for me would be are they actually using a coffin or will he just be wrapped in cloth?

If he is being wrapped then it might be quite a disturbing sight for young children.

I don’t think I would allow it if it wasn’t a ‘proper’ coffin of some sort.

Have you looked at what a woodland funeral with a wrapped cloth body is like?

Sirzy · 16/02/2019 13:58

There is no reason a child should be terrified by a funeral though. If it is set us as some forbidden adult only thing it is much more likely to seen as terrifying than them getting to experience the reality and the closure that can bring.

Strawberry2017 · 16/02/2019 13:59

I wouldn't take them, I think explaining things to them is important but I don't think they need to be there.

Drum2018 · 16/02/2019 14:00

Does your Dh want them there? I didn't bring my 4 year old to grandparents funeral - burials in cemetery. The older kids came. Just didn't want to be looking after Ds on an emotional day so my friend minded him. You do not have to do what your mil says. If you and Dh prefer to leave them with your friend for any reason then that's what you do.