To not take children to woodland burial

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FIL has terminal cancer. MIL has already booked his woodland burial plot and is insisting all the grand children attend.
AIBU to not want my children to attend.
FIL has fallen out over the years with nearly all colleagues, neighbours and even my parents, I suspect turn out will be low.

Maybe if you had more clarification as to what the service would be like and what the expectations of MIL are, you would feel more comfortable or at least could make a more informed decision.
From your previous posts you don't sound against going to the funeral per say more so worried about the practicalities of attending a woodland funeral with children.

It really up to you and your DH if you want the kids to attend or not. You’re their parents. It’s not MIL’s decision. Tell her that.

FIL died last year and all the grandchildren were at the whole thing including the burial. DS was the youngest at 5. MIL found it very comforting to have them there, there have been no questions about what happened.

I echo what @sweepingcalamity says. I know people get their backs up when Irish people comment on mumsnet about funerals but it really is very normal for kids to go to funerals here, it’s part of the circle of life. It’s good to talk about these things and explain in an age appropriate way about death. We have a book at home called goodbye grandma and it’s when Miffy’s granny dies. Explains it all in simple terms. Do your kids never wonder what’s in a grave yard, when you go past one?

Sirzy I was totally terrified after the funeral certainly not before. I was fine with death before, having lost other close relatives and animals, but I found the burial really deeply disturbing. I spent all night thinking of him in the dirt and cold all alone.
I had nightmares solidly for such a long time afterwards.

You can’t know how any one child will react once exposed to the kind of grief seen at funerals.

What is wrong with waiting until a child has developed the emotional maturity to process what they see?

It’s not like anyone has the choice once an adult, we all need to learn at some point to deal with them but why at the tender age of five? Unless it is immediate family.

I'd be giving them the choice at that age

That is why it needs to be handled sensitively though and parents need to take time to explain what happens.

A child won’t develop emotional maturity if they are hidden away from such normal things imo

I don't live in Ireland, but it's pretty much the same tradition here. I find it a much healthier attitude, to be honest.

With respect to previous posters there’s is no “shielding” children from death. There is also no loss of innocence at being part of a funeral.
Children more often than not will fear what they don’t see and imagine rather than something that they do see and are part of.

I have a bit more of a unique perspective on this in that my husband died when my children were 7 and 9 and my children were there when he passed away (I had advice from counsellors on this). It was a very peaceful death and my children weren’t traumatised by it. I explained to them before hand what was going to happen and they had the choice to be there if they wanted to. My sister was on hand if things got traumatic but they didn’t.

There is no hiding death from children - they know it happens. Being part of the funeral and seeing funerals helps them with closure.

When my grandmother was 5 her own mother died and she wasn’t let go to the funeral. To the day my Nan died she was still very bitter about that.

Children are far more resilient and matter of fact than we give them credit for.’ They can also compartmentalise things and deal with things in a way that we, as adults, cannot.

How long is the ceremony? Surely at their age they should manage at least three quarters of an hour?

I wasn't allowed to go to my gf funeral. I was 6. I remember being left out. When my GM dies last year I asked my kids if they wanted to come (because of distance it was either all or nothing...unlike their cousins who were able to come to just the wake). My eldest 10 asked to come. The younger 2 - 8 and 5 asked to stay with a friend after school. I was happy this was what was right for them.

It's not really your children's responsibility to keep mil happy. But it is your responsibility to do what you think is best for your kids.

Dd was 8 when she went to a couple of funerals. One was a burial - relative she hardly knew but thought he was a lovely man. One a cremation - her grandparent. She was fine. Her younger cousin was also fine at one of the burials however her other cousins flat refused to attend the burial... some older some younger than dd. From what I’ve seen written on Facebook since his death the children’s parents weren’t prepared at all let alone preparing the children. So I do think preparation is key.

Have you talked to your children about death? Dd has been brought up to know that death is a consequence of life. Not everyone has made such a pragmatic choice with their children. And perhaps that is right for their family but not for mine.

You know your own children. Perhaps you could talk to them about his imminent death and the funeral. Explain how if happens and see what they want to do when the time comes.

I can also imagine your dcs running round playing with sticks. If your mil wants this to be a sombre occasion then it would perhaps due to the setting be too much for 5&7 year olds. As you say a crem is different.

spring why is it not shielding them from deathif you don't take them to funerals? it means you are deciding when your children are ready - and one PP poster said it would be 16. Only the OP knows her own children. Mine went to funerals from age 7 and learnt it wasn't something to be frightened of and that lives could be celebrated and that it was often bizarrely heart-warming to hear about them and even the jokes about the foibles they had and that people kept the dead in their minds with regret and pain, yes, but a fond remembrance of what they were and did. I suspect it's OP's FIL's unpleasant behaviour that's affecting her decision.

How upset are people likely to be at this funeral? It's OK for children to learn that adults cry and support each other.

By the sounds of it, you aren't going to be v upset at all so they'll have their mum there really calm, there will be a lot of other children and parents concerned about child-wrangling, not many people sobbing as FIL had fallen out with everyone so just a clear explanation that MIL is sad and we are saying good-bye to FIL forever.

Feel like an ogre mum now. My DDs are now 16 and 14 and they've been to 4 funerals so far. They've never been fazed by it so far.
They get more upset about their pets dying!

I think it depends on the child. I would take them to a service and wake but not the actual burial bit as I think visually it’s qute upsetting and unnecessary for them to go through. I took dd to fils funeral when she was about 5 but it was cremation so there was no burial. We sat at the back and I told her she could leave any time during the service. As it happened she got bored half way through so we went to a little side room with toys for the rest of the service. It went a bit over her head.

We've been to a couple of woodland burials and I've taken my 3yo to one. It was the right decision for us. They tend to be pretty informal affairs. Special, but not very formal. But you can make it what you wish. Mine climbed trees, picked flowers and listened to some of the ceremony. I would give them the choice too.

The man isn’t even dead yet. You don’t know what the funeral set up will be. I’ve been at a woodland one and there was a hall the service was in. You wouldn’t have had to go from there to the internment unless you wanted to. I suspect your dislike of the man is a major influencer here. No reason why you should mourn him, but funerals are more about those left behind - most importantly here I’d say what does his son want? My dc have been at funerals of two close grandparents while still at primary school, never really occurred to me not to bring them.

I've only seen children of close family at funerals, so grandchildren once they're old enough to sit still would be normal enough, but equally if they don't want to be there perfectly acceptable for them not to go.

I've never seen attendance demanded, generally funeral details are published in the local paper and anyone who'd like to attend does, unless otherwise stated.

Our niece lost her husband a couple of years ago, their daughter was four. She went to the funeral, holding her mum’s hand as they walked behind the coffin. It has become clear since that being there really helped her process her dad’s death, she’s commented many times about how many people really loved her daddy and came to say goodbye to him.

MIL can insist all she likes, it's not her choice. You could compromise by having your friend come with you and take them back to the car, you could meet them at the wake later. At that age they'll be asking 'what's in the box' and getting confused at their dad being upset.

My DC didn't come to my parent's funeral. It was going to be a fairly staid service, with only adults apart from them, going onto a child unfriendly pub. As it was I was very glad they didn't as there was some frankly bewilderingly hysterical woman screaming with grief there who terrified me and I didn't have a clue who she was!

Don't worry Tensixtysix I think this is where MN is different to real life.

In reallife my job sadly involves a lot of people dying, including young people. Everybody goes to the funerals including children of all ages.

On MN this question comes up over and over. Lots of response about children being traumatised by people's behaviour at funerals or grieving people being upset by children's behaviour. Real life - people tend to be a bit boring at funerals - no dramatics, nobody minds toddlers climbing over things or children playing.

It's a strange difference.

I have been to a couple of woodland type funerals in the last couple of years. In both cases the atmosphere was formal but somehow less opressive than a church or crematorium service.

Both times the coffin was made of wicker. I have never heard of a funeral where the body was just wrapped in a sheet.

If I was in a position where I was taking a young child to a funeral then I would think the woodland setting was far better and more child friendly than any other setting.

Blackbear
OF COURSE there will be a coffin to hold the body in
what a crazy thought process

Personally I wouldn’t take my children to a funeral of any type at those ages. My two attended family funerals from 12 onwards. It’s really for you to decide.