To not take children to woodland burial

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FIL has terminal cancer. MIL has already booked his woodland burial plot and is insisting all the grand children attend.
AIBU to not want my children to attend.
FIL has fallen out over the years with nearly all colleagues, neighbours and even my parents, I suspect turn out will be low.

@TalkinPeece there are some woodland burials where the coffin is only used as transport to the graveside and then a cloth wrapped body is taken out and buried wrapped in cloth.

Peace as pp said, these burials don't always have a coffin.

Which ones out of interest?
As I know of several sites that have strict coffin rules, but the body stays in the box

Preparation is key here. A discreet call to the funeral directors/organisers will establish whether there's a coffin or not and you can ask about anything else that worries you.

Well as DH died when our two were 5 and 7 there was no option to shield them from the death bit of real life 😔😔😔

I think only you can decide what is reasonable for your children. You know them best and should have a reasonable idea of how they will react to the burial. When my FIL died I knew that my older child (6) is extremely curious, bright and imaginative - not actually seeing what was going on would have been damaging for him. He was close to his Grandpa and it was better for him to see what was going on. He scattered earth on the coffin and dealt with everything really well. My three year old would have been a distraction - and despite both my MIL and SILs being very keen for the little one to attend, I wanted to say goodbye to a man I loved very much and I knew that I would not be able to do that whilst chasing a three year old about the cemetery.

I think your best bet is to talk to them about it - describe to them what will happen and see how they react to that then make your decision.

Also, agree with pps who suggest, if worried, and if possible, have a friend or member of the family (less close to events) available to look after DC in the event of them becoming upset or bored.

I have always taken my children to funerals, it’s part of life it’s also gives them an opportunity to talk about death etc without it becoming some big scary taboo subject. A woodland burial sounds lovely and if the children wish to go then I would take them

I'm still angry that I wasn't given the choice to attend my grandmother's funeral when I was seven or eight. I knew what death was; I knew she wasn't coming back. I don't see why children are expected to be sheltered from death when it is a natural part of life, let alone all the stupid and confusing euphemisms.

My DS attended my mums funeral aged 8. I never really thought not to involve him, although I did give him the choice. I knew he would want to go. He was absolutely fine. I explained what would happen. He thought it was lovely how the person leading the service spoke about her.

Prior to that, when my MIL, auntie and uncle passed, he attended the wake but not the funeral.

At the end of the day, it is up to you and your DH whether you take them. Not your MIL.. though maybe them attending the wake would be an option?

I can’t help but think, the poor man isn’t dead yet.

It is a matter of knowing your own DC. My DS was six when my father died; I took DS to the funeral and he released a white dove for his granddad (this was my mother's idea; I had said I would ask DS if he wanted to do it and would not force him; he was very willing and wanted to make a little speech, which he did.)
His paternal granddad died when he was 11 and he came to that funeral, which did involve burial rather than cremation, too.
I'm generally in favour of not hiding death away from DC, and even if they are the sort who would find a funeral/adult grief too distressing, they need to have the procedure explained to them so they don't end up imagining horrors for themselves.

Mind you, it's also a matter of knowing what the rest of the family are like. If you are aware that at least one person is going to shriek and howl all day, or that several people are going to be pissed as farts at the wake and/or embark on bitter rows about who the deceased loved most or something, then fair enough to want to keep young DC away from it.

School will fine you, won't they?

We had tons of kids at my mother’s funeral. She planned it with them in mind. They had to put up with about 20 minutes of seriousness, but otherwise they ran around and played. It was perfect and exactly what grandma wanted. Thinking about it always makes me smile and cry simultaneously because it was so beautiful and reflected her as a person so well.

I might not take kids to a more formal funeral, just because keeping them quiet means you won’t get to focus on grieving.

Spinmynipple
Researchandbiscuits

So as for both you and your children.

My (then) 5 and 8 year old came to their dad’s funeral. It was the right thing to do. But a disliked FIL? Probably not, particularly as MIL is bullying you.

I wouldn't take my kids. There are other ways to say goodbye.

Don't worry Tensixtysix I think this is where MN is different to real life.
And how

My heart goes out to all of you who have had to make decisions on behalf of young children who have lost a parent. I am so sorry for the sadness.

It's a tricky family - they should probably have their own MN subsection.

I'm going to refuse to make a decision until the last minute, potentially drama could be high.
Competitive mourning, angry guilt, serves the bastard right, - it's might all kick off.

Oh dear, I'm sorry you have one of those families.

In that case a last minute decision sounds best.

The burial might well be a better idea than the wake if there is high drama potential. Turn up, service being mediated by celebrant so sense that people ought to behave, opportunity to head off into trees or small child to need convenient wee.

Whereas wake you are kind of stuck and if there is alcohol, even worse.

I was 13 when my grandmother died and I still think it was unreasonable that I didn't attend. I was aware she was ill, understood she died and yet was excluded from saying goodbye.

So it depends on the children but a blanket statement that children under 16 will be disturbed seems to show quite a low opinion of the maturity and resilience of children.

Under these circumstances id send them to school.

It is healthy to take children of this age to funerals. It helps them understand the concept of death and the rituals we use to come to terms with loss. I dont think MIL should insist but it helps prevent confusion in children, they do need to understand the normality of death and a burial helps. I was distressed for years being excluded from my grandfathers burial

Seems very petty not to bring them. I went to a similar sounding burial recently and there were kids from 0 all the way through to teenagers. They all threw some seeds on the plot and it was nice.

I can't believe the people saying under 16s shouldn't attend! So ridiculous and very unhealthy. They'll certainly notice the person has died and it's healthy to include them in saying goodbye. Very old fashioned to think it helps kids to pretend death doesn't exist.