To want DP to say something to his ex gf and her flying monkeys

[Februaryblooms]

I've been with my DP for a number of years, we have one child and I'm in the last trimester of pregnancy with our second.

From the get go I've had problems with his ex and her sending her 'flying monkeys' to harass me on social media. This came about as she struggled to deal with him moving on and beginning a family. There will be periods of quiet then it starts up out of the blue again.

It's nothing as extreme as threats or anything that the police could do anything about, but it's extremely annoying and causes a degree of anxiety and stress in the relationship. Think fake accounts adding me, posting subliminal insults publicly, making their presence known and being a nuisance. I have blocked the ex but it doesn't make a blind bit of difference in the long run.

I haven't provoked them by the way.

As it's DP's ex and his 'problem' that he's brought into my life i think he should be telling her/them to back off or fuck off but he doesn't want to "get involved"

Uhm. He already is, isn't he?

AIBU..

How is he actually seeing his children if you have no involvement with them??

I am presuming that as you already have one child together and your second is on the way that you live together.

Your dp is as guilty for all you are going through right now.
With exes like her court really is the only way.
He does his dc a huge disservice if he doesn't.

We've lived together since before our DC1 yes

The children have been here against her wishes but she made such a scene about it afterwards that he doesn't try to bring them round any more. He takes them out instead.

Ermm....flying monkeys? Subliminal - yet public - insults?

Really?

Stop accepting friendship requests from these people and/or people you don’t know. Job done.

Your dc are all being controlled by her. Not just her dc. The relationship between them all will be damaged by this. And he is allowing it. You need to put your foot down op. It's not a nice life you will all be living.

His children will soon be at an age when they can and probably will come over anyway OP.

Your dp is a bloody idiot. And the only reason he’s not sorting out court is to avoid rocking the boat with her. He doesn’t give a toss about the impact it has on you or his children with you.

I know this isn’t fair but really you need to up your online privacy. I know it feels like a submission but it isn’t. It is about taking control and gaining your own peace of mind. At the end of the day you should not be accepting requests from people you don’t know and who are not known friends. That applies to everybody anyway.

The ex and her cronies are basically a bunch of immature saddos. Don’t play their teenage games. It’s all about getting attention, any attention even negative attention. Don’t give it to them and rise above it. The persistence implies they don’t have a lot of pleasure and joy in their lives above this nonsense. Be happy that you have happiness and pleasure.

There are pros and cons about fighting her through the courts for formal access. Even with a court order in his favour she can do a lot of damage to his children and their relationship. But it is not unknown for people like her to lose primary residency. It is really sad for these children and you both need to really think out what you want to achieve and what you can achieve by formalising access.

Some of this will also be about money and guilt. Take to your DP about this. He has a lot of paternal responsibilities which he will be obligated to meet. But is he taking responsibility for the impact on their mothers who now need to raise his children?

I agree with PP's saying that the way DP handles his ex isn't right. I have big issues with it but that's another thread as I could sit here until next week ranting away about that.

I think I will come back off social media for a while so I can relax for the remainder of the pregnancy.

Your DP sounds a bit useless to be honest. He's not allowed to take his own kids to his own house because his ex said no. Pathetic.

Your dp is useless I'm afraid. He should go through the courts and look at blending the families.
His kids should be able to come to his house, nobody would stop any decent parent because it wouldn't be allowed.

Without wanting to make excuses for him (but I'll sound as though I am anyway) he's on the spectrum. The way he handles things is very different from the way I would, or most others would.

She knows his personality type and plays to that, she knows if she makes enough noise he won't go against her.

It's quite pathetic to those on the outside looking in. I do feel for all the children, I've been pushing him to make changes for a long time but he doesn't bode well with change and I never get anywhere.

Ignore completely. People do these things for a reaction. You give one and you’ll make it worse

How do his children feel about the arrangement. They are getting to the stage where their opinion matters.

Stop adding strangers to your facebook account!!!

His children would like to spend nights here but are told they're "not allowed"

I don't add strangers to my Facebook by the way.

Then how does this happen?

Think fake accounts adding me, posting subliminal insults publicly, making their presence known and being a nuisance

Just decline any friends requests from people that you don’t know. And don’t bother looking at their profiles - you don’t need to and it will only wind you up.

I’ve had this. My OH was previously married. I never knew him when he was married. I met him when he was going through the divorce process so I was in no way responsible for the failure of his marriage.

His ex sent me PMs on social media. My profile was locked down so all she could see was my profile pic and she saved it on her iPad to show her friends for their opinion on me! It was batshit. One night OH and I were sitting watching a film and she bombarded him with messages about how I’d set up a fake account and tried to engage her in conversation about him! She couldn’t produce any evidence of this when asked (we fancied a laugh so he asked her for screenshots ) and then she cut off the conversation.

She went through stages of no contact then nasty messages about me/him.

I’ve never once engaged with her in any form. I’ve blocked her. Never replied to her attempts at contact. She suggested (via OH) that we could “meet for coffee”. Not a chance. Luckily my OH is great at dealing with her. He doesn’t entertain her madness and only engages in chat about their child. Anything else he simply ignores.

It’s taken over two years to get to the stage where she seems to have accepted he’s moved on. Their child stays with us during school holidays.

As hard as it is not to tell them how deranged they are being I’m convinced our tactics are really the only way to deal with her effectively. I think she’d love to get involved in “he said/she said” type drama but we can’t be bothered with all that.

I get an unfamiliar request, I view the profile behind the request without accepting it and am met with goady garbage on that wall.

An example of this was last night. I got a request, i didnt accept it but when i went to the profile to see who it was it was clearly a friend of his ex and the pair of them were posting provocative things on the public wall for me to see.

I can and will help myself by not looking at the profiles of any unusual requests in future, I'm just tired of it happening and wish they'd grow up and leave me be.

@ShinyPinkLipgloss I'm sorry that you can relate on a personal level, it's very frustrating isn't it.

Its been well over two years in our case but I hope she gets bored soon enough.

I pray for the day she meets somebody she wants to be with, as she probably won't give a toss about us then. I can wish

Oh she swears blind she isn't interested in DP anymore, but why else would she be so preoccupied with my existence?

I have big issues with it but that's another thread as I could sit here until next week ranting away about that

You are too involved with their relationship. I get that she is probably jealous and trying to interfere in your life but there is no need for you to respond to random strangers on FB. she and DP don't want a stepsibling relationship with your DCs, there is a big age difference so I would let that go (why cause rows and anger that the DCs will hear just so you can have his DCs at your house, let it go), DP is seeing his DCs so if ex is ok with these arrangements let it be, it is possibly pregnancy hormones but you will soon have 2 small DCs to look after and you have DP to give attention to, ignore ex, you are both being petty.

I don't think I've been petty though, I haven't said a word to her let alone responded to the social media goading. I've remained silent in the background.

Sure I would like for his older DC to spend time with our younger DC but that's normal, isn't it? I haven't argued the toss with her about it though, I've merely made it clear to DP that they are always welcome here and I'd like for them to be included.

He says he wants the same but doesn't want to go against her so I have to accept it. I certainly haven't kicked up a fuss or retaliated / said anything to her.

Delete all your accounts.

Set up one in a fake name and only add a very small amount of trusted people. If you put photos up tighten the controls so no one is tagged.

Ignore all the rest of it. They sound like 12 year olds.

At some point in the future though your partner might have to put his big boy trousers on. It's not very nice that he's allowing this to continue and upset you.