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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DP to say something to his ex gf and her flying monkeys

83 replies

Februaryblooms · 16/02/2019 10:23

I've been with my DP for a number of years, we have one child and I'm in the last trimester of pregnancy with our second.

From the get go I've had problems with his ex and her sending her 'flying monkeys' to harass me on social media. This came about as she struggled to deal with him moving on and beginning a family. There will be periods of quiet then it starts up out of the blue again.

It's nothing as extreme as threats or anything that the police could do anything about, but it's extremely annoying and causes a degree of anxiety and stress in the relationship. Think fake accounts adding me, posting subliminal insults publicly, making their presence known and being a nuisance. I have blocked the ex but it doesn't make a blind bit of difference in the long run.

I haven't provoked them by the way.

As it's DP's ex and his 'problem' that he's brought into my life i think he should be telling her/them to back off or fuck off but he doesn't want to "get involved"

Uhm. He already is, isn't he?

AIBU..

OP posts:
LilaJude · 16/02/2019 10:25

I would worry that him addressing her about it would be giving her what she wants, I.e. attention from him. It sounds infuriating though!

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 16/02/2019 10:25

Do they have a dc? My ex would never tell his ex to stfu as they had a dc. If they haven't then do it youself. You don't need to hide behind him.
And do report her to the police if she is harassing you.

ElspethFlashman · 16/02/2019 10:28

Tbh I'd deactivate my Facebook for a if that's the only place it happens. It's more trouble than it's worth. You can always reactivate it a while down the line. Who needs this crap?

TruffleShuffles · 16/02/2019 10:29

If your social media accounts are private they can’t just add you? Is that not the answer.

IncrediblySadToo · 16/02/2019 10:29

He doesn’t want to get involved?

WTAF? He’s a real prince among men isn’t he!

Not.

His attitude is shitty whether she’s his ex or not, but given she is, it’s doubly shifty.

Ask him WHY anyone, but especially his Ex & her FM’s, being nasty to you ISN’T his business?

...his answer will be interesting...

ElspethFlashman · 16/02/2019 10:30

Also, be aware that what you're asking your DP is "get back in contact with your obsessive ex"

Not Wise.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/02/2019 10:31

They have DC yes, which makes it all the more innapropriate as she should be thinking of the children and wanting to avoid drama instead of creating it.

I have nothing to do with her and very little involvement with her DC because she adamantly doesn't want to play blended families and has all but banned me from having anything to do with them.

I understand how important it is for him to be cordial with her for the sake of the DC, but I don't think it's fair he sits by and let's it go over his head whilst I bare the brunt of it. I do believe he should say something, how 'politely' he wanted to do that would be down to him though.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 16/02/2019 10:31

Move away from social media. Job done. Or set up a new account with a pseudonym and be very careful who you allow to access it.

LtJudyHopps · 16/02/2019 10:32

If he gets involved he feeds the drama which is what she wants. Make your profile completely private, don’t accept requests from anyone you don’t know and just ignore. Or come off social media.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/02/2019 10:33

I removed my Facebook for a period of time and they looked up my Instagram (Which isn't under my full name so I don't know how they got that)

I rely on Facebook to keep in touch with my estranged sibling and don't see why I should have to restrict my lifestyle to accommodate their childishness :(

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 16/02/2019 10:34

If they have kids, I honestly think he's right. Sort out your accounts. Less drama.

She's a troll and you want him to feed her with attention.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 16/02/2019 10:35

She can't stop her dc from being around you unless you are a risk to them.
You need a court order or this will be your life op.

MitziK · 16/02/2019 10:35

Never engage with a flying monkey or their sender - that's the point of them; to rile you up into responding.

If he engages, it gets far, far worse - telling them to STFU means you then get an onslaught of 'now he's like this! It's all HER fault!'

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/02/2019 10:38

He doesn't want to go through court unfortunately i have told him many times that's the way forward so this is just how it is, for now.

It's the children who will suffer in the long run but I have zero authority when it comes to how they co-parent or the conditions imposed. I've been fighting a losing battle on that front for quite some time.

I understand people's points about him saying something to her potentially feeding the troll/encouraging her. It's just so frustrating.

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 16/02/2019 10:39

I would tell him that I understood his desire to not feed her drama llama behaviour. But I resented the idea that he thought he wasn’t already involved since his DP is being attacked because of your association with him. I would also tell him that ‘get involved’ makes it sound like this is two sided it’s not it’s simple harassment.

If you block each and every flying monkey as soon as you become aware of them, set your profile to completely private and change the setting so that people you aren’t friends with can’t message you. Then all you have to do is block any suspicious looking friend requests.

thefirst48 · 16/02/2019 10:43

You can still keep Facebook messenger without having a profile. I'm sure you can email, text or even phone your sibling. If it's causing you this much stress especially when pregnant I would delete all social media or makeup a new Instagram.

ElspethFlashman · 16/02/2019 10:45

Yeah and doesnt FB have a setting where an account can't add you without your permission?

I mean you have got to look at your settings. If celebrities can have secret FB accounts surely you can too! Just tighten up every setting there is. You can definitely pick who sees your Wall and photos. And you can definitely withhold permission to be tagged in other people's photos.

You can also tighten up Instagram. I'm surprised you haven't done it already tbh.

Quartz2208 · 16/02/2019 10:50

No yanbu but the problem is him for you not her

Juells · 16/02/2019 10:55

I don't know how anyone has access to your fb account, unless you add them. I have mine set to private, and even though I get constant friend requests because of people I follow I never add any of them. Nobody can see what I post on my fb page, except for close friends and family. You just need to up your privacy settings.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/02/2019 11:01

My restrictions are already as tight as I can make them, people can still send me a friend request if we have mutuals. I can also receive messages that go to a filtered folder.

Last night for example I got a request from a person I didn't recognise, I went on to their profile to see if I knew them somehow and low & behold their wall was public and his ex was on there engaging with this person in full view being a twat and had got them to look me up and add me so I'd see it.

Like I say it's nothing drastic like death threats, just very annoying, constant and unsettling.

OP posts:
DeaflySilence · 16/02/2019 11:04

"I rely on Facebook to keep in touch with my estranged sibling and don't see why I should have to restrict my lifestyle to accommodate their childishness"

Tightening up your social media privacy settings will not affect your contact with your estranged sibling, nor do I understand how doing so is a restriction upon your lifestyle.

Not tightening up your social media privacy settings is fine, if that's what you choose, but just remember that is your choice - not the ex wife's.

From your posts, it sounds as if this is pretty much all on social media - that you are not seeing her face to face - so you are in a perfect position to ignore her.

DeaflySilence · 16/02/2019 11:05

"My restrictions are already as tight as I can make them, people can still send me a friend request if we have mutuals."

I think you can make them tighter than that.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/02/2019 11:07

That much is true.

I don't see her, I avoid her like the plague.

It's all on social media so it's not the end of the world, just annoying and it makes me anxious knowing there's somebody in the wings with malicious intent as I don't bother anybody.

She tends to peak during pregnancy as it was at its worst last time when I was carrying DC1.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 16/02/2019 11:08

Yes you can change your settings to not allow people to add you as a friend. That would solve that. Lock down Instagram too. Or delete them both possibly.

But I honestly think your DP is right. When there are DCs involved and assuming this person is as volatile as you have said, the best thing to do is ignore x100000.

You say you've been together years but they still have to communicate about the children so I'm assuming they're fairly young. Her anger and actions may be more understandable if there was a relationship overlap.

CloudyTuesday · 16/02/2019 11:08

DP is a headteacher. Perfectly possible to use social media with privacy settings such that you aren't bothered by strangers or people you don't want to interact with - otherwise he'd be fielding messages from parents and abuse from pupils all day!

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