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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DP to say something to his ex gf and her flying monkeys

83 replies

Februaryblooms · 16/02/2019 10:23

I've been with my DP for a number of years, we have one child and I'm in the last trimester of pregnancy with our second.

From the get go I've had problems with his ex and her sending her 'flying monkeys' to harass me on social media. This came about as she struggled to deal with him moving on and beginning a family. There will be periods of quiet then it starts up out of the blue again.

It's nothing as extreme as threats or anything that the police could do anything about, but it's extremely annoying and causes a degree of anxiety and stress in the relationship. Think fake accounts adding me, posting subliminal insults publicly, making their presence known and being a nuisance. I have blocked the ex but it doesn't make a blind bit of difference in the long run.

I haven't provoked them by the way.

As it's DP's ex and his 'problem' that he's brought into my life i think he should be telling her/them to back off or fuck off but he doesn't want to "get involved"

Uhm. He already is, isn't he?

AIBU..

OP posts:
UnderMajorDomoMinor · 16/02/2019 11:11

You can make yourself only searchable by email address, change your profile pic to an object and change your name (maybe use your middle name as your surname) so it’s not linked to your surname.

Might help.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 16/02/2019 11:12

You can also set it so you only people linked to people you know can request you.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/02/2019 11:15

The last time I went through my privacy settings I had it as secure as was possible. I recall a setting years ago where you could opt to make your profile completely unsearchable, but that isn't there anymore after recent updates from what I can see. If I'm wrong please do tell me how to find that option as I'd definitely use it.

OP posts:
Housingcraze · 16/02/2019 11:17

You can switch it to messages only so you only can friend request!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/02/2019 11:19

I got a request from a person I didn't recognise, I went on to their profile to see if I knew them somehow and low & behold their wall was public and his ex was on there engaging with this person in full view being a twat and had got them to look me up and add me so I'd see it.

Don't respond to friend requests from people you don't recognise.

Don't even check them out!

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Yes - it's annoying and frustrating, but don't let her make herself as big a thing in your life, as she has made you in hers. She's dying to get a response from you - and for your DP to wade in on your behalf will thrill her beyond anything. DON"T GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION.

Tell your family (verbally or by e-mail) that you will be dropping off social media for a while and not to try to contact you using FB.

Then sit back and have a relaxing pregnancy, comfortable birth and lovely baby. She wants to stress you out at a time she knows you are physically and emotionally exhausted. Don't let her.

Yougotdis · 16/02/2019 11:20

Its bullshit you should have to put up with it.

Your dp needs to go to court whether the batshit ex likes it or not her children have a half sibling and about to have another. He needs to get his contact sorted so she doesn’t have that control. What he does with his children in his time is his business.

As for the social media. Anyone who tries to add you or message you connected to her report them as spam and block. Facebook and Instagram have started dishing out week bans to people dicking around.

MyBaa · 16/02/2019 11:22

He doesn't want to go through court unfortunately i have told him many times that's the way forward so this is just how it is, for now

So he's not seeing his kids and he's not trying to?
To be perfectly frank I'd be FAR more worried about that than about some tomfoolery on Facebook!

HeckinHell · 16/02/2019 11:27

Lock your Instagram down. Lock your Facebook down.

If you get a friend/follow request from someone you don’t recognise, by all means check to see if it’s someone you know; if it’s not, block the person without engaging with them.

If you get messages through Facebook from people you don’t know, same deal. Block the person and don’t give it any further thought.

Make yourself really boring to these people, if they get absolutely no reaction from you they achieve nothing, and hopefully the ex will eventually tire of whatever game she’s playing.

TheShiteRunner · 16/02/2019 11:27

*Don't respond to friend requests from people you don't recognise.

Don't even check them out!*

^This.
She wants a reaction. She wants drama. Imagine the crap she'd put on fb after that!
I know it's hard but rise above it, and don't click on profiles you don't know. If you're not sure whether you know them or not- no clear pic on profile- don't click on the profile.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/02/2019 11:28

No no no, he is seeing his children. Sorry I wasn't more clear. He sees them on her terms.

He doesn't want to go through court because he doesn't want the agro he'll get from her and her lot if he does.

She has expressed very clearly that she doesn't want to go down the court route, and because of her stance he has said the same.

Unfortunately, my own DC have had to sacrifice a proper relationship with their siblings to accommodate the bullshit arrangement, so he doesn't rock the boat.

OP posts:
TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 16/02/2019 11:29

He won't do anything because he doesn't want to rock the boat concerning his kids with her so you'll have to tighten up your security or keep blocking/deleting her or her mates.

This came about as she struggled to deal with him moving on and beginning a family.

Ah, I see, beginning another family. How did their relationship break down in the first place that left her so struggling with his moving on and having more kids with someone else?

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/02/2019 11:34

She said she didn't love him anymore, they plodded on for a couple more years then separated as it wasn't working. They were on good terms until he began dating again post split (me) and then she started being a twat.

There was no animosity before I came along, then once it was clear he was in a new commited relationship she started being a pest and decided she wasn't happy for him to move on after all.

A text book case of not wanting somebody until you can no longer have them, I presume.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/02/2019 11:37

Your giving her what she wants by paying attention

Just ignore friend requests and things. Don’t feed her obsession.

MyBaa · 16/02/2019 11:38

Sorry I got the wrong end of the stick. If she's bothering you this much, could you speak to the police? It's harassment really.

NChangeForNoReason · 16/02/2019 11:39

Get a New account with fake name to keep in contact with ur family - deactivate ur other one!

MyBaa · 16/02/2019 11:39

And you are probably going to say your DP won't like that...but in your shoes I'd be putting my foot RIGHT down. Don't let her bully you. Your DP should support you in standing up for yourself. THEN if she turns nasty, court it is.

stuffedpeppers · 16/02/2019 11:40

How old are his kids?

Romanov · 16/02/2019 11:40

He doesn't want to go through court unfortunately i hate this attitude, so he would rather play silly games with the ex and dance to her tune, than get it set in stone

Marmaladehandbag · 16/02/2019 11:41

To be honest, I don't use SM and don't have to deal with this sort of shit. Can't you just disengage from it for a bit, or set up another account with a pseudonym? Surely you can email your sibling instead and just explain you are dealing with harrassment, so have deactivated your account.

She sounds very obsessive and her being able to access you through SM is just fueling her obsession a bit. Getting your partner to intervene will also fuel the 'drama' which she craves. If you cut off all routes to you via SM, you will probably find she stops eventually or has the space to calm down a bit. I personally wouldn't like my partner's ex rummaging through my life online and find it very creepy, and that would be enough to close my account.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/02/2019 11:44

The children are 9 and 11, our eldest DC is a toddler and I'm 31 weeks pregnant with our second.

It's exactly right that he wouldn't want me to involve the police, i absolutely would but the problem is I don't think she's actually broken the law? There has been no threats, just her and her friends being a huge PITA.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 16/02/2019 11:48

I could understand the "not wanting to rock the boat" stance if you didn't have kids but he's essentially now prioritising his first family over his second? Sorry but he needs to sort this out, how can he have you coping with all this and not want to get involved?

Sirzy · 16/02/2019 11:49

How can he sort it out though? I am amazed people think he had the power to control his ex and her silly games! All talking to her is likely to do is add fuel to the fire as she is getting exactly what she wants

NorthEndGal · 16/02/2019 11:51

But it really doesn't have to be a stress
If they aren't actually your friend, with a name you'd recognize and want to add, don't add them, don't look them up, just ignore
If you only add people you are actually friends with, it shouldn't be an issue

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 16/02/2019 11:51

I could understand the "not wanting to rock the boat" stance if you didn't have kids but he's essentially now prioritising his first family over his second?

What's there to sort out? She's being a pest on SM. How is that prioritising his first family over his second?

MyBaa · 16/02/2019 11:55

Right...no threats.

Here's what you need to do. Practice not giving a fuck. Seriously....just care not! Don't let her take any more of your mind.