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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off he's still in bed

118 replies

Thegoodthere · 16/02/2019 07:32

Went to bed last night with a horrendous toothache from a botched root canal. Have been awake at various points of the night taking co-codamol and looking after our DD, who still occasionally wakes in the night. Last night told DH I'd be going to minor injuries today.

DD came into my bed at half 6 this morning. We cuddled / played for a while then got up and went downstairs. DH still in bed, leaving me to to look over DD. For context, I've done 99 percent of night waking / early morning wake ups since DD was very little (she's now 3).

So selfish.

OP posts:
Newyearbollocks · 16/02/2019 12:29

I don't think you are BU. I think he is an inconsiderate arsehole who shouldn't need telling to help you out when you are in agony. He should be willingly helping knowing you need to rest and recover. Tooth pain is horrendous. I understand why you are pissed off!

Drogosnextwife · 16/02/2019 12:39

Ffs unless you tell him what you expect and how upset you are how will he know or learn?

Because he is a fucking grown man with a brain! Why are woman having to teach men how to behave like fucking adults. Catch a grip!

Bryjam · 16/02/2019 12:42

Because he is a fucking grown man with a brain! Why are woman having to teach men how to behave like fucking adults. Catch a grip!

This is not about behaving like an adult, it's about magically knowing how to behave as OP wishes him to.

Drogosnextwife · 16/02/2019 12:42

Christ almighty Whisky2014, what's up your arse this morning? Why are you searching for previous posts?

Drogosnextwife · 16/02/2019 12:47

This is not about behaving like an adult, it's about magically knowing how to behave as OP wishes him to.

There would be nothing "magic" about an adult, who knows their partner is in quite a bit of pain, making an effort to get up and help out. It's called being a considerate human being. Obviously though men will never learn how to be considerate without their dw telling them how to behave ffs 🙄

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 16/02/2019 12:53

As an aside please don't go to minor injuries as they can't do anything to help

Whisky2014 · 16/02/2019 12:57

@drogosnextwife oh she just annoyed me by being so pathetic.

goodolddaze · 16/02/2019 13:03

People do seem to enjoy being unpleasant. Hope you feel better soon OP.

thefirst48 · 16/02/2019 13:12

@drogosnextwife

If as an adult you can't communicate then how can you expect another adult to know what you want. It's not hard to open your mouth and say I'm not feeling that great can you get up with the child in the morning.

That's all it boils down to COMMUNICATION.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 16/02/2019 13:21

Wow. Thanks guys. This site has really gone downhill.

This, or variants on the theme, seems to be the default response to anything other than ‘Oh OP, you poor thing, have some Flowers’ these days.

It’s nothing to do with people being harsh or ‘nasty’. You’re in pain, but rather than taking 30 seconds to shake him and say ‘Get up; I’m going to the emergency centre now’, you have huffed and puffed about him not waking of his own accord. It’s not like he’s slept until midday - it was 7.30 for heaven’s sake.

I’ll never understand people who spend ages hand-wringing around how ‘I shouldn’t have to ask’, rather than just dealing with the situation they’re in, rather than the one they think they should be in.

PlinkPlink · 16/02/2019 13:22

You turned to the internet for sympathy?

Probably not the best idea OP.

I totally get being pissed off at OH because he's not gotten up. But PP are right... he won't get up unless you say something 😂 sitting there and seething will not improve your situation or guarantee sympathy from a nest of vipers.

Hope you feel better the dentist

Sjofn · 16/02/2019 13:42

This or variants on the theme, seems to be the default response to anything other than 'Oh OP, you poor thing have some Thanks' these days.

Abso-fcucking-lutely, and endemic in AIBU of all places.

Where you ask if you are being unreasonable for a reason and not because you fancy posting into an echo chamber ShockGrin.

Auslander · 16/02/2019 13:55

Love the drip feeds.
Grow up OP. Sorry it's not what you want to hear, but you know, your sleeping OH isn't just going to think ' oh I need to wake up now cos my wife needs a dentist.
If that was possible I would sling my alarm clock away cos I could just think ' oh it's 06.00, I need to get up now while I'm still fast asleep!

Drogosnextwife · 16/02/2019 14:02

If as an adult you can't communicate then how can you expect another adult to know what you want. It's not hard to open your mouth and say I'm not feeling that great can you get up with the child in the morning.

By that logic it shouldn't be too difficult for the dh to say "Oh you've had a hard night, Would you like me to get up with dc and you can try and have a rest?"

Drogosnextwife · 16/02/2019 14:10

@Whisky2014

I sort of agree. I wouldn't sit down the stairs feeling sorry for myself while do slept. I would go up and tell him to stop being so bloody selfish and get up out his pit, but I cannot stand when woman pile on other woman and say "how can we expect a man to learn if...". Oh I don't know, because most of them have a functioning brain and manage to hold down a job.

C0untDucku1a · 16/02/2019 14:10

In counselling you need to have the counsellor address why he thinks you're the default parent.

Taking his daughter out so you can rest suggests otherwise she would be entirely your responsibility.
Not doing his share of night wakings is poor. Absolutely shitty parenting.

Then addrss why this morning, when your dd woke you and youre in so much pain, you didnt at that point wake dh and go back to Sleep yourself.

Vagabond · 16/02/2019 14:39

I wonder when MN became so mean? Is it because we have to be so pleasant and PC in real life that we have to somehow unfurl our inner beast on this forum?

I know that AIBU is harsh territory, but sheesh! Sometimes, peeps don't want a solution, they just want empathy.

blackteasplease · 16/02/2019 14:59

Thing is my ex would have just gone on sleeping until your put a rocket under him. Normal requests to get up wouldn't have cut it. Then he would have had a leisurely shower, breakfast in silence etc all not engaging DD so I couldn't go back to bed, would have wanted to take her our rather than just look after her in the house but expected me to get her ready. And yes I always made my feelings clear.

You have to have experienced a certain sort of determined selfishness to understand what it's like. Its not like normal partners who will shift it if you "just communicate".

blackteasplease · 16/02/2019 15:01

And I agree people on here have been shitty to you

skunkatanka · 16/02/2019 15:37

My point is that a decent husband who actually gives a damn wouldn't need asking! He knew the previous night that the OP was struggling. That should have been enough information for him to have known he was going to need to step up and do his bit. That's what a partnership is all about.

skunkatanka · 16/02/2019 15:39

Oh and beeftheif I have read the thread which is precisely why I commented as I did. The OP is not being an idiot as you nicely put it. She's fed up of having to do everything whilst in pain because her dh is making sure he enjoys his night of rest.

Bryjam · 16/02/2019 15:46

She said she was going to minor injuries today. He got up at 8am. I don’t think that’s particularly unreasonable tbh.

Have to add though, in the OP it read to me that OP as the primary care giver by choice, and was pissed off because on this one occasion he didn’t get up and help. Further posts from OP show they in in counselling and it’s a huge issue between them anyway.

So maybe he was being a prick, but tbh I couldn’t t get mad at someone for not getting up before 8am.

bellabasset · 16/02/2019 15:47

I would hope that most people would be considerate to a partner in pain after dental treatment. It's not rocket science to realise that the last thing you might want or be able to do is handle a lively toddler.

When you're feeling better you need to tell him a little consideration goes a long way.

skunkatanka · 16/02/2019 15:54

So maybe he was being a prick, but tbh I couldn’t t get mad at someone for not getting up before 8am

Under normal circumstances nor would I but in a situation where a young child was up far earlier and the other caregiver was in pain I would be very unhappy about it. He should have got up with his child. Parenting is a mutual responsibility and supporting each other through it is vital.

swingofthings · 16/02/2019 16:41

Oh you've had a hard night, Would you like me to get up with dc and you can try and have a rest?"

So on the account that men should know what their partner wants and offer before being asked, how about women understanding what partners need and offer without them asking?

Wonder if there are men moaning that they have to ask about to go out to the pub after work. After all, their partner should know that they need to let steam after a long week at work and should say to them on Friday mornings 'darling, I know you had a tough week, so do go to the pub after work and relax, I'll cook and when you come home, you can reheat your dinner'.

I wonder how many wives say that to their husbands!