To hate people asking what I'm doing for the weekend

[Ditto66]

I go swimming on a Friday afternoon with a fellow mum, who always asks - always - doing anything nice at the weekend? When I drop her off. No I'm a widowed single parent, of teens, generally my weekends are a bit boring. Tbh I'm ok with that, mostly. I just hate the pressure and what feels like judgement.
Couple of weeks ago she told me she'd heard some old guy say 'oh you know, living the dream' when someone asked him how he was. I laughed and said I love that, think I'll use it. She said oh I suppose you could but I couldn't possibly because my life is great and you can only say that ironically. I think she realised how crass it was and regretted saying it. She's not a bad person, generally kind but also sometimes insensitive. But I think I've had enough of the ' any plans for the weekend' question and feel like giving up the swim buddying as a result. We block book a small pool for 6 months at s time. AIBU and overly sensitive? What would you say to that question when you've rarely got anything special happening but you're content enough?

It's a dull question, but perfectly fine to answer with nothing very exciting. I think sleeping featured in my answer earlier.

Yes, YABU and overly sensitive. It is just a random conversation starter / silence filler. It isn't a reflection on your situation.
The simplest thing is just to turn it back on the person asking a question "Oh, nothing much, what about you?"
It's not a comment on your situation or life at all.
Other options are
"Just catching up on jobs"
"Taxi-ing the dc"
"Nothing much - I love having nothing planned on my non-working days"
"I like having pretty low key (or quiet? or relaxing?) weekends ?

The only thing that strikes me, is that you perhaps feel she might have touched a nerve?
If you aren't happy with not doing much at the weekends, then why not have a think about what you would like to do, or like to join.
There's nothing wrong with doing nothing if that is what you want to do, but there is plenty out there to get involved in, if you do want to be doing something.

Explodingkitten - infuriating. I think I might have said 'I'm at mine tonight, why? Do you want his address to try your luck?'

Last Easter I hadn't been well and had no particular plans. I got so fed up with being asked what I was doing I started saying 'I think I might go to church!' That shut them up, especially as they weren't sure whether I was serious!

I ask this on Fridays at work. It is just conversation. And whatever they say, I always try and answer positively and never judge.

If they answer “nothing much” then I may say “my favourite type”. Sometimes my weekends are great fun and exciting but usually they are mundane with chores and relaxing on sofa watching inane TV and I love them so I could never judge anyone else’s.
Some people get worked about things that are never meant to irritate. Just let it go.

It's just small talk. All small talk is boring. My stock response would just be:

"not much, what about you?"

And you know why that's the best response? Because they don't really give a shit what you're doing anyway! They just ask out of awkward politeness. That's the definition of small talk!

You sound a bit sensitive about such an everyday question. I’m so sorry you lost your partner.

I usually say "ooo, bugger all - I can't wait!"

And generally people respond that either they are also doing bugger all and isn't it nice to have some downtime, or they wish they were doing bugger all but it looks like they have a load of stuff on, or they have something on that they are really looking forward to, and then we can agree that that sounds like a lovely thing to be doing and definitely a rung up on bugger all, lucky them (but secretly we both know on Saturday morning when the alarm rings they will also wish they could do a bit more bugger all)

It’s just inane small talk. A polite way of marking the fact you are leaving each other, and a way of showing interest in someone’s life. I ask it / hear it asked in the office and there is no right or wrong answer, sometimes it’s pottering about/ having a lazy weekend, for others it might be seeing family or a trip somewhere. No one is pitying anyone for their answer, indeed no one is much more than mildly interested in the answer.

I think the fact this has touched such a nerve needs reflecting on. Is there something you wish you were doing at the weekend? Could you find ways to make that happen?
I appreciate it is in the Hardest of circumstances for you, but I have been a single parent too and just got planning and finding things to do st the weekend - inviting friends to visit, following local museums etc on Facebook and going to any interesting exhibitions, volunteering to help out with a local group...

(That’s not to say I don’t love an entire weekend where I don’t even leave the house! But I only appreciate those when the balance is right)

www.npr.org/books/titles/692724204/love-poems-for-married-people#excerpt

A poem called

"I ask my coworker, Tim, who doesn't have children, how his weekend was"

I really understand you finding this question a bit annoying, and I don't think you're being unreasonable. In all honesty, given that you never have anything very exciting to say in reply to it, I do think she is being rather insensitive to keep asking it.

At one point I was very ill for several months, and couldn't even cook, and I had ready meals delivered from the same company each week. It was always the same delivery guy and he always did the delivery on a Friday. He would always ask: "Any plans for the weekend?" The first couple of times I said something like: "Just relaxing". Then, when he continued asking, I said: "Nothing special; I'm not very well at the moment so I can't do much." He then continued asking each week, which I found really annoying. Eventually I said quite firmly: "I don't have plans because I can't; I'm not well." He stopped asking.

I expect this lady really is just trying to make conversation and hasn't realized that she's being a bit insensitive. A couple of ideas:

• If you would genuinely prefer her not to ask this question then next time she asks you could spell out gently but firmly (not in an annoyed-sounding way) that you never have anything very exciting going on at the weekend because you have to be around for your kids (to drive them to places etc.), or because you enjoy doing x (whatever it is that you do). Then follow that up by changing the conversation to something that you'd prefer to talk about. It sounds like she's a bit stuck for conversation, so if you provide something that could be a go-to conversation topic for her that you'd be happy with, hopefully she will go with that in the future.

• Or, when she asks, use it as an opportunity to talk about something that you'd enjoy talking about, e.g. mention that you're hoping to get a chance to put your feet up and read a book/watch something and then mention what you're reading/watching, if that's something you'd enjoy chatting about, or say that you'll be spending time with your kids and then talk about them.

Good luck!

There's nothing worse than saying "what are you up to this weekend" and then the other person actually starts telling you what they're up to at the weekend and you have to feign interest. Eugh.

Stupomax - love that poem! It made me laugh - just what I needed.

OP - that question used to really annoy me but now I have made peace with it! I have been a lone parent, with no family nearby, for a very long time, and so my life is very unexciting.

Yeah I don't like the question because either the person is just using it as something to say and doesn't actually care, or, they're trying to muscle in on your weekend.

I don’t like it from checkout assistants, especially if they’ve just scanned through my pizza, ice cream and pop corn - pretty clear how I’m spending my weekend!
But if someone told me they’d watched a box set, I would enjoy that conversation as could talk about series we liked. Or books. Sports I’d struggle with.

What's the big deal? You're obviously self conscious. She's only trying to be nice.

Why should we have to play this charade for inane small talk just to fill some time? They don't care what in doing and I don't care what they do. No-one is listening to each other so what is the fucking point?

Well dinner parties, theatre etc wouldn't be living the dream for me. I've just been out for a meal with a friend, and on Sunday I've promised myself a nice walk. The dream you live can be ordinary things you enjoy.

Great poem, Stupomax

OP, I'd just say, "Not much!" or "Just the usual" with a smile, and not even add the "You?" every single time because then she's going to list her thrilling activities and who really cares?!

Try your best not to give up swimming with her though if she's a nice person and you generally like her company

I always ask my colleagues this on Fridays because I thought I was being nice and interested in their lives! Mumsnet is so eye opening, it just wouldn’t have occurred to me that they would find it annoying! If people ask me and I haven’t got much on, I just say that. It is just a way of chatting and passing time.

I’m crap at small talk so I’ve got a list of basic go to questions just in case of awkward silence, and number 1 is what are you doing at the weekend

Next time she asks you should go into great detail about something incredibly dull, like describe what you’re going to cook, what size you’re going to chop the vegetables into and exactly how much cheese you’re going to grate, really drag it out, even better if you can do it in a monotone voice - she won’t ask again

just say 'I've heard there's a new dogging site so going for a look'... she won't ask again

She's probably just making conversation. When asked this, I mostly reply with "just chilling,go a walk with the kids, grab some food somewhere nice - the usual! " no one really expects you to have big plans on a weekend but when you do I suppose they like to ask questions about the event the following week. I love hearing about other people's weekend and events. I don't enjoy going to them myself as it usually involves socialising and making an idiot of myself because I've drank so much to cope with socialising.

I tend to say no!

@Ditto66 it touches a nerve and as long as you read that most of us aren't running around living it large or having wild parties or having jumping from the wardrobe sex. You'll probably see how ordinary life is. A friend of mine does have an incredibly busy life. Travels a lot for work and pleasure. I'm happy for her but it wouldn't be for me.
This weekend we are staying in as most weekends. Our ds is having a friend round tomorrow and Sunday normally is get things ready for the week ahead.
I joined a book club and I'll start reading I guess.
Cooking and cleaning are also part of the wild weekend