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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I expecting too much from DSD?

120 replies

Beachside123 · 15/02/2019 19:53

I’m a stepmum to two teenagers. One is easy to get on with, the other not so. I have a wonderful relationship with one, loads of love, the other who is treated identically I have big problems with.

They stay with us regularly and EOW. I struggle a lot. DH is not supportive of my struggles and, bizarrely, loves to shout at me when they’re around in the full knowledge that one of them will feed it back to her mum which he knows I hate (the feeding back not the mum). I know this because she has an open Facebook profile and is very vocal about how much she hates her ex and has been known to say she’s pleased when we row.

Tonight I was left alone with DSD and I asked her if she wanted to make tea with me, she ignored me walked away and closed her bedroom door. She came out an hour later when DH returned. Unless you know how nasty a 15yr old can be this could sound a bit lame.

I’ve been a little unwell and was upset. He started to shout at me saying I was expecting too much.

Was I? Should I keep on trying or just go out when they’re with us?

I left the house and am currently in my car wondering what the hell to do.

For context, I’ve been in their lives for five years. I met DH two years after he split from their mum. We have a great relationship usually, it only gets like this when we have problems with DSD.

Please don’t be too harsh as I’m a step mum, I do try really hard and I have mild MH issues.

OP posts:

TedAndLola · 15/02/2019 23:14

Yes and he doesn’t listen. I’m always wrong, he’s always right.

So him shouting at you is NOT the only thing wrong with this great husband, then?

Phoebesgift · 15/02/2019 23:14

Your husband sounds awful. Why does he shout at you? He's showing you zero respect.

Ruru8thestars · 16/02/2019 05:25

Did you go back in?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/02/2019 05:39

Where are you now? Hope you slept well.

You say your dsd slags her mum and then you off. I’m not saying this is her fault. But there is s lot of drama in the house. They’re all feeding off of it.

I’m also wondering if his behaviour toward his ex was similar to the behaviour he is showing to you regarding the kids. I do think a parent should put their kids first in lots of situations. But this is different. He’s telling you you’ll never be as important as them.

Do you want to always be at back of the queue and shouted st?

MakeItAmazing · 16/02/2019 07:11

Is this really the bar you set yourself for your adult life and relationship ?

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 16/02/2019 07:46

Oh OP, I imagine it is awful feeling uncomfortable in your home like that. Your Husband really shouldn't be shouting at you like that. He may be defensive of his daughter but you are his wife and he should be able to have a grown up conversation with you which does not involve raised voices and certainly should not be in front of the children.

He also needs to be talking to his DD as well. I understand it's hard when parents divorce and it can cause a lot of difficult feelings so he needs to be having a conversation with her about that. However, she's 15. She should be able to be polite at the very least. I was in a similar situation at that age (fathers new partner) and despite not being happy that my parents weren't together I was never rude. I get teenagers can be hard work but I always think there's a very low expectation of them on here. Bad behavior is excused because they are teens. I would never have acted like this with someone at that age and if I had, whilst my father may be concerned and talk to me about it, he certainly wouldn't defend me acting that way either.

nameuseroriginal · 16/02/2019 08:16

Your husband sounds like a nasty shit.

stopwining · 16/02/2019 09:17

Reading this I'd be very concerned about a man who thought that shouting at his wife, letting her sit on the car without eating tea was a great example to show his children.
Regardless of what happened before this is terrible.

If dsd doesn't want to help that's fine! Yes she eats it and there's no reason why she shouldn't help make it but as her step mum that's not your decision to make.

Once I had that light bulb moment and stopped stressing about the little things it was like a humongous weight had been lifted off my shoulders abs improved relationships all round.

TightPants · 16/02/2019 09:26

What did you do in the end OP?

Original poster

Beachside123 · 16/02/2019 11:13

Thanks everyone. I went home eventually. Everyone was in bed. They’d eaten the dinner I’d cooked so at least it wasn’t wasted. They all got up this morning and left the house before 9 without saying goodbye. Being a stepmum is the hardest and most ungratifying thing I’ve ever done. It doesn’t matter how hard you try you’re never good enough.

OP posts:

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/02/2019 11:17

Go and do something for you today op... forget about chores or cooking or cleaning for your dp and sd’s. Go shopping? A walk, a museum, whatever floats your boat. Have lunch out, arrange to have dinner with a friend. Please try and do something for yourself and let your dh sort his kids out.

IDoN0tCare · 16/02/2019 11:19

It doesn’t matter how hard you try you’re never good enough.

It’s not being a step mum that’s causing your problems, OP. It’s being married to an arsehole, that treats you and talks to you like shit, while playing Disney dad to a rud brat.

thefirst48 · 16/02/2019 11:21

Oh OP I just want to give you a hug after reading that. Could you sit down with your partner and try and talk to him again, drill home how upset you are. Obviously do it when the kids go home.

Original poster

Beachside123 · 16/02/2019 11:24

I don’t want to chuck my marriage out, I love him and although he’s being a prick over this and it’s not the first time, he’s not all bad! We do have good times 90% of the time. I don’t know how to move on this time though. I doubt he’ll apologise, he thinks it’s all my fault. I don’t think I’ve anything to apologise for either. Stalemate 😢

OP posts:

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/02/2019 11:27

Could it be that you get on 90% of the time because you're not challenging him then?

Pumpkintopf · 16/02/2019 11:31

He's not treating you respectfully op. If he won't listen perhaps you need some help to set some boundaries- I know counselling isn't usually recommended with an abusive partner but perhaps it could be helpful for setting boundaries here with regards to how he treats you in front of your step daughter?

If I were to be kind I would say that he feels he is protecting his daughter from you. But that shouldn't be necessary as it sounds like you are a caring and lovely step mother who just wants a good relationship with her. I presume you've already told him this and he's not listening.

The other option is you disengage. If he won't support you, let him cook dinner etc etc - minimise the opportunity for conflict between you and dsd.

IDoN0tCare · 16/02/2019 11:33

Could it be that you get on 90% of the time because you're not challenging him then?

You took the words right out of my mouth. I bet you’re choosing your words and behaviour in order to keep him happy and you don’t even realise it. Being a well behaved wife has become part of your roll, at the expense of real happiness. I’m not suggesting you leave him, but develop an equal roll in the relationship. Stop being a door mat.

Chewbecca · 16/02/2019 12:57

Honestly, my DSC were really tough at that age.
We had some huge issues. They're now 30ish and have massively grown up and are now a pleasure. We get on really well which you would never have anticipated at the time.

Looking back the best advice I could have given myself was 'let it go'. Don't sweat over stuff. Leave the parenting to the parents. Offer an ear, help and advice when and if they want it, don't force anything. With this attitude you will get through it with your sanity and they won't hate you.

woolduvet · 16/02/2019 12:57

Could you ask him to suggest house rules for the children. Get an idea of what if anything he thinks they should contribute.
If it's nothing, just say fine. But those things don't become your job whilst they're there.
Don't make tea for everyone, dh can get a takeaway in, don't change beds etc.
If you're not supposed to get involved with them, then don't.

scaryteacher · 16/02/2019 14:40

You are being shoved out of your home OP, for which you presumably pay. That is unacceptable.

I think, though this is probably only beginning to sink in with you, that you need to take a long, cold, hard look at your marriage. Do you want this to be your reality for the rest of your life?

Divide and rule might be worth a go as well. Foster the good relationship you have with the nice DSD, take her out at weekends; plan stuff to do together...shut the mardy one out.

I found ignoring my ds, when he was 15, worked. If he was being a git, and expected stuff to be done for him, then it wasn't, and I did not respond until he spoke to me politely. His food was put in front of him and then I ignored him whilst we ate. A forbidding silence does wonders.

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