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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I expecting too much from DSD?

120 replies

Beachside123 · 15/02/2019 19:53

I’m a stepmum to two teenagers. One is easy to get on with, the other not so. I have a wonderful relationship with one, loads of love, the other who is treated identically I have big problems with.

They stay with us regularly and EOW. I struggle a lot. DH is not supportive of my struggles and, bizarrely, loves to shout at me when they’re around in the full knowledge that one of them will feed it back to her mum which he knows I hate (the feeding back not the mum). I know this because she has an open Facebook profile and is very vocal about how much she hates her ex and has been known to say she’s pleased when we row.

Tonight I was left alone with DSD and I asked her if she wanted to make tea with me, she ignored me walked away and closed her bedroom door. She came out an hour later when DH returned. Unless you know how nasty a 15yr old can be this could sound a bit lame.

I’ve been a little unwell and was upset. He started to shout at me saying I was expecting too much.

Was I? Should I keep on trying or just go out when they’re with us?

I left the house and am currently in my car wondering what the hell to do.

For context, I’ve been in their lives for five years. I met DH two years after he split from their mum. We have a great relationship usually, it only gets like this when we have problems with DSD.

Please don’t be too harsh as I’m a step mum, I do try really hard and I have mild MH issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beachside123 · 15/02/2019 20:15

I’d prefer it if he didn’t shout obviously. This happens probably once every four to six months, the rest of the time is ok. We have a great relationship when we don’t have DSD problems.

Would you go back home? I don’t really want to tell friends about this and don’t want to stay on a hotel tonight.

OP posts:

TheJobNeverEnded · 15/02/2019 20:15

She may not be 15 forever but she sure as hell can keep this behaviour up knowing she has the full backing of her Dad.

He treats you like shit and you can't even see it. He is setting an incredibly toxic example of a relationship for his daughter.

You are never going to learn to manage this because your Dh won't manage her and she isn't going to listen to you. Maybe you should both go to counselling to get someone else to point out to him how bad his behaviour is.

IDoN0tCare · 15/02/2019 20:16

DSD will not be 15 forever, but I do have an immediate problem. She is difficult and in need to work out how to manage this.

But she will always be his daughter and he will ALWAYS defend her, at your cost. I’m sorry that you think a good husband shouts at his wife. My husband NEVER shouted at me, in over 25 yrs of being together. It shows a massive lack of respect and nothing we can advise you will change that.

HollowTalk · 15/02/2019 20:16

Is this where we're going to hear that he lives in your house and you pay towards his children?

foggyuplands · 15/02/2019 20:16

Your problem isn't your dsd it is your DH. Are you able to have a sensible conversation with him about what he is doing and why? If he can see the problem and work out a plan to change it then you have some hope of it changing,? If he cannot it is much more difficult.
DC will automatically make use of any parental splits to get their own way, regardless of step parent issues. It doesn't provide much basis of security for them in the home either.
You need as a pair to work out what your boundaries are, what the consequences are and stick to that as a pair. You may both need to give ground to achieve this.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/02/2019 20:19

You were maybe expecting too much to have her help you cook.

You were not expecting too much to be treated with respect and manners in your own home. A simple no thanks would have done.

However I agree with others - she is not going to treat you with respect when she sees her dad shouting at you for nothing. He is showing her you are not worthy of respect and he is fine with her treating you like shit.

You won't get her to change her behaviour unless you both agree on some basic ground rules. You don't have to be friends but you shouldn't have to put up with horrible behaviour from either of them in your own home.

And he's a 'good man' apart from yelling at you every other weekend and teaching his daughter you are worthless???

Original poster

Beachside123 · 15/02/2019 20:20

We live in our home, we both own it as we’re married. We buy things for them from our joint account so yes I contribute.

He will always defend her, but I’m not attacking her so he doesn’t need to defend her.

OP posts:

RomanyQueen1 · 15/02/2019 20:20

I can see why he's her ex, she got out, good for her.
What a horrible abusive man, stop looking after his kids, they're his responsibility.
Stop doing things for them, if he shouts tell him to fuck off.

Chewbecca · 15/02/2019 20:22

I do think you were expecting too much of DSD, yes. I would let her be.

But that doesn’t address your actual problem which is with DH.

Original poster

Beachside123 · 15/02/2019 20:24

Why was I expecting too much? I wasn’t expecting her to make it all on her own, just maybe lay the table and chop a few mushrooms? She’s happy to eat it, why not learn how to make it too?

OP posts:

Rtmhwales · 15/02/2019 20:26

Are the two girls old enough to stay alone when your DH is out? I'd start finding activities to keep you out of the house during the times they're there, solely for your sanity. I'd also stop doing their housework like laundry and cooking and DH can step up and do them if he's criticizing your interactions with her.

I'd honestly go one step further and take the pleasant daughter out with me, and if the unpleasant one and DH have issue with it I'd explain that your job as parents and step parents is to prepare teenagers for adulthood, and she needs to learn that being shitty to other adults generally isn't well tolerated or rewarded. But I'm petty and refuse to be walked over in any circumstance.

Gina2012 · 15/02/2019 20:26

I’m not going to walk out of an otherwise happy marriage because DH is super defensive around his daughters. His response is unreasonable, I know that, but it’s not a reason to throw away my marriage.

Ok - then remove yourself from DH when the trigger situation occurs.

So when DSD is there -- absent yourself

Problem solved and you also don't have to face DHs twattish behaviour

AJPTaylor · 15/02/2019 20:27

Your husband shouts at you?
Why would you put up with that?

cushioncuddle · 15/02/2019 20:27

Please read the book called
Get out my life but first take ale and me to town.

It explains what's going on in a teenage brain. I found it very helpful. It also gives you strategies to use.

Once I understood the reasons why dealing and coping with a stroppy teen was so much easier.

Please read it.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 15/02/2019 20:28

You should go back home, OP, because it is your home. But at some point you need to say to your DH that you will not be shouted at. When you choose to say this is up to you, but it needs to have said. There’s no excuse for it.

In future find a way to give him time alone with his DDs. Let him sort out the one with attitude. She might be unhappy, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok for the two of them to take it out on you.

JasperKarat · 15/02/2019 20:28

Which is it OP? He likes to shout at you in front of his DD s or he raises his voice a bit once or twice a year when he feels you are criticising his child? You've said both. First completely unacceptably and likely why she has no respect for you either, latter not ideal but you can probably talk about it and he should work on his communication.

Go for a bite to eat, go see a film, go home later and have a serious conversation with your husband.

Oh and expecting a moody fifteen year old to be thrilled at being asked to help cook dinner was more than optimistic.

AdaColeman · 15/02/2019 20:28

Your first step should be to tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate him shouting at you.

Don't leave the house, stay, and dominate the main room/kitchen, put your own music on loudly, phone a friend, put on a film.

Ignore the teenager, if you have to interact be polite but distant. Try to avoid situations where you are supervising her, but never go out or stay away from home because of her.

In another three years she will be off to university, and meetings will be much more limited, as she grows up the dynamic between you will change.

Just as the husband is using his anger at you to demonstrate his love for his daughter, so too the daughter is manipulating situations to put you in a poor light and drive a wedge between her father and you.
They are both game players, and unfortunately for you, you are trapped between them.
All you can do is stand your ground, but it's only worth doing so if you value the relationship with your husband enough.

NeverStopExploring · 15/02/2019 20:29

She doesn’t respect you as your husband shouts at you every time! His teaching her as are you that a man can treat a woman like that. Shouting at your partner in front of kids or just in general is not ok. What would you say if your step daughter came home and said her boyfriend shouted at her every other weekend in front of his mum? It’s no different

Juells · 15/02/2019 20:30

Aquamarine1029
Your husband sounds absolutely horrid. No wonder his ex hates him so much.

^^ this.

You poor thing, he's absolutely abusive.

QueenieInFrance · 15/02/2019 20:30

Tbh I’d have a chat with and tell him that it seems you can’t do it right with his dd.
As this is clearly creating tension, you couod suggest he is looking after his dd and you are backing off completely. No more reason to have a go at you and he can deal with his dd stroppyness/lack of help in the hOuse etc.. as he wants. As long as it doesn’t mean you doing everything of course. Aka if he doesn’t want to help with cooking dinner et he doesn’t want tomupset her, then he will have to step in and do it himself.
Or he could do the whole of the cooking whilst she is there.

I wouod also have a discussion about how shouting at yu is unacceptable. ALWAYS. And even more somwhen she is présente as it clearly weaken yu position as one of the responsible adults in the hOuse. Why should she do anything if she knows you will just get shouted at and she won’t?

As for what to do tonight. Yes go back home and tell him you are off tonight and he is to deal with everything. And that you will have a chat later on when it’s onoy the tow of you in the house.
Set the rules and stick to it.

JasperKarat · 15/02/2019 20:31

Why was I expecting too much? I wasn’t expecting her to make it all on her own, just maybe lay the table and chop a few mushrooms? She’s happy to eat it, why not learn how to make it too?

You show little insight into the mind of a teenager. Read the book suggested by a PP

LagunaBubbles · 15/02/2019 20:32

I’m not going to walk out of an otherwise happy marriage because DH is super defensive around his daughters

More fool you then.

hidinginthetoiletagain · 15/02/2019 20:35

Long term, could you perhaps wait until your step children are not staying and you are both relatively relaxed/well slept etc and then have a proper conversation about it? Perhaps write down how you feel in bullet points in advance?

Nearly everyone is ridiculously over-sensitive and defensive of their children, but you need to agree a sensible compromise and draw up some 'house rules' that everyone adheres to. You husband needs to agree that there will be consequences if not. E.g. Step daughter must respond civilly when spoken to and help with the following chores (but can otherwise hide/sulk in her room if that's what she wants!). 15 year olds are frequently horrible to everyone, so try not to take it personally.

This evening, I would definitely go home and try to hold your head high. At the end of the day she is a child, she should treat you with respect and not make you feel upset and uncomfortable in your home.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 15/02/2019 20:35

Being disrespected does not = a happy marriage.
It = an abusive one.

TedAndLola · 15/02/2019 20:35

This man is not a good husband.

Your stepdaughter is not the problem here.

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