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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I expecting too much from DSD?

120 replies

Beachside123 · 15/02/2019 19:53

I’m a stepmum to two teenagers. One is easy to get on with, the other not so. I have a wonderful relationship with one, loads of love, the other who is treated identically I have big problems with.

They stay with us regularly and EOW. I struggle a lot. DH is not supportive of my struggles and, bizarrely, loves to shout at me when they’re around in the full knowledge that one of them will feed it back to her mum which he knows I hate (the feeding back not the mum). I know this because she has an open Facebook profile and is very vocal about how much she hates her ex and has been known to say she’s pleased when we row.

Tonight I was left alone with DSD and I asked her if she wanted to make tea with me, she ignored me walked away and closed her bedroom door. She came out an hour later when DH returned. Unless you know how nasty a 15yr old can be this could sound a bit lame.

I’ve been a little unwell and was upset. He started to shout at me saying I was expecting too much.

Was I? Should I keep on trying or just go out when they’re with us?

I left the house and am currently in my car wondering what the hell to do.

For context, I’ve been in their lives for five years. I met DH two years after he split from their mum. We have a great relationship usually, it only gets like this when we have problems with DSD.

Please don’t be too harsh as I’m a step mum, I do try really hard and I have mild MH issues.

OP posts:
beansontoastfortea · 15/02/2019 21:27

Or do what dippy said... much better! Have a night to yourself

woolduvet · 15/02/2019 21:32

You said you asked her if she wanted to make tea with you, that means she doesn't have to.
What did you say to your husband then?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/02/2019 21:33

I’d do as others have suggested. Go get yourself a takeaway, walk back in, head held high and enjoy your meal.

If either of them have a go simply ask them if they enjoyed the meal you made, and if they’d like to continue to enjoy meals you make, them suggest they keep quiet.

I have a question, why does your dh like you two arguing to get back to his ex? Or is that your dsd likes her dm to know about the yelling?

C1rrus · 15/02/2019 21:43

What did you want to happen after you went out to the car?
Did your husband shout at you tonight?

You say that he’s only shouting in order to defend his daughter, but then acknowledge that you’ve not attacked her in anyway. So his shouting at you must be due to another reason.

Original poster
Beachside123 · 15/02/2019 21:46

I don’t think it’s him wanting it to get back to his ex. DSD slays her mum off to us all the time, I’m sure she does the reverse at her mim’s.

I wish I could have the choice of a night in on my own. I don’t have anywhere to go it’s my home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beachside123 · 15/02/2019 21:47

Yes he shouted tonight.
I just needed to get away from it and from them both. I didn’t think about anything other than that.

OP posts:
colditz · 15/02/2019 21:48

I want you to take a cold, logical look at your husband and stepdaughter.

Your husband shouts at you in front of your stepchildren, and yet you have a "happy marriage"?

While your stepdaughter shuts herself upstairs like a normal teenager and is "Nasty", and you have big problems with her?

Confusedalarms · 15/02/2019 21:50

Sorry, your DH is a dick. The first rule of parenting is to maintain a united front for the children. Your DH isn’t doing that, so your DSD sees a way in to cause problems between you and DH.

Which is what a lot of teenagers do. They see an opportunity to flex their muscles and they go for it. If your DH is too thick or too up himself to see what’s going on, I truly despair.

Crystalintheeyes · 15/02/2019 21:51

Get a hotel if you don’t want to stay with friends.

Him shouting is unacceptable!! And he can’t jist do it 2-3 times a year when he feels like it.

Blackbear10 · 15/02/2019 21:52

Well seeing as you have a wonderful relationship normally and it’s clearly all your DSD fault your husband is a dick then the only thing you can realistically do is never put yourself into the situation.

For this to ever get better you are going to have to let the DSD do whatever she wants when she’s at yours and you’ll have to toe the line and do as your DSD and DH want...
Or you’ll have to find somewhere else to stay EOW and any days she visits during the week.

You can’t change your DH’s behaviour, as you already said he thinks you’re the problem so he’s not going to change anything.
You’ll just have to move out of your home when she’s there.

You do know there is a way to still have some dignity and self worth don’t you? It involves telling your DH his behaviour is unacceptable, you are worth more than the way he is treating you and you will not allow yourself to be shouted at or walked all over and then stick to it!
Which means you don’t allow anyone to treat you with such disregard and disrespect and follow through with consequences (the consequences might be relationship counselling, trial separation, complete separation, etc) but as you said he’s a wonderful husband and man so why would you need to?

humblesims · 15/02/2019 21:53

Your DSD sounds like a typical mardy arsed teenager.
Your DH sounds like a twat. However lovely he is the rest of the time would not make up for verbally abusing you in front of his DCs. There is no excuse for that.

Original poster
Beachside123 · 15/02/2019 21:55

I’m not saying he’s wonderful. He’s wrong but talking to him is impossible, he won’t listen he just blames me for it all. Everything.

OP posts:
SaturdayNext · 15/02/2019 21:55

Have you talked to your husband when your SDs are not with you about why he shouts, and pointed out that this is totally unacceptable?

Original poster
Beachside123 · 15/02/2019 21:56

Yes and he doesn’t listen. I’m always wrong, he’s always right.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 15/02/2019 22:02

He’s abusive, sorry, OP. Book yourself into a hotel until he decides to respect you.

beansontoastfortea · 15/02/2019 22:02

Is he always right and you always wrong about everything in his opinion or is this the case only with your DSD

LittleOwl153 · 15/02/2019 22:05

So you have spent over 2 hours in your car with no contact from him? He doesnt give a damn about you does he!

Take yourself off to a hotel. If he doesnt make contact you have some serious thinking to do!

PandaMa · 15/02/2019 22:08

Oh Op :-(

Re-read your posts, imagine someone else writing them, how would you advise? If he thinks he is always right and never wrong he won't change his ways and will continue to disrespect you in front of your SDs. The 15 year old won't change her behavior towards you if she sees her father validating it.

A serious conversation needs to be had with DH and if he doesn't listen then you need to re-think your future here.

humblesims · 15/02/2019 22:10

I’m always wrong, he’s always right
What do you get from this relationship?

chocatoo · 15/02/2019 22:32

Deep breath. Walk back into your home. Go straight to your bedroom, if anyone asks just say that you are too upset to speak right now but that anything that needs to be said can be dealt with in the morning. Go to bed and sleep. Don’t get drawn into talking. Let them stew on their actions.
Your husband and step daughter have both behaved nastily and I would have as little as humanly possible to do with either of them until they learn basic manners.

Notcontent · 15/02/2019 22:33

I agree with everyone else. Your DSD is just being a normal, difficult teen - slightly unpleasant, moody, rude - the usual stuff but exacerbated by the complex dynamic of a step family. The best tactic is just to ignore and not take it personally. But your DH - that’s a completely different story...

dorisdog · 15/02/2019 22:39

So sorry this is going on for you. Teenager is acting pretty normally, tho, IMO. Doesn't mean it's ok, but it's normal. Your DP however...you know the answer, I think.

In situations like this, I always ask: What would you think/say, if your best friend described all this to you? (I'm guessing you'd say he's being very unreasonable - to say the absolute least!) Guessing he hasn't checked to see how you are? That tells you everything.

AdaColeman · 15/02/2019 22:40

I'm always wrong, he's always right.

Perhaps you need to go on an assertiveness course Beachside, nobody can be right all the time.

Aridane · 15/02/2019 23:04

DSD has excuse of being rude and obnoxious teenager, what excuse does DH have?

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 15/02/2019 23:09

Your step daughter is not the problem here.

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