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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I expecting too much from DSD?

120 replies

Beachside123 · 15/02/2019 19:53

I’m a stepmum to two teenagers. One is easy to get on with, the other not so. I have a wonderful relationship with one, loads of love, the other who is treated identically I have big problems with.

They stay with us regularly and EOW. I struggle a lot. DH is not supportive of my struggles and, bizarrely, loves to shout at me when they’re around in the full knowledge that one of them will feed it back to her mum which he knows I hate (the feeding back not the mum). I know this because she has an open Facebook profile and is very vocal about how much she hates her ex and has been known to say she’s pleased when we row.

Tonight I was left alone with DSD and I asked her if she wanted to make tea with me, she ignored me walked away and closed her bedroom door. She came out an hour later when DH returned. Unless you know how nasty a 15yr old can be this could sound a bit lame.

I’ve been a little unwell and was upset. He started to shout at me saying I was expecting too much.

Was I? Should I keep on trying or just go out when they’re with us?

I left the house and am currently in my car wondering what the hell to do.

For context, I’ve been in their lives for five years. I met DH two years after he split from their mum. We have a great relationship usually, it only gets like this when we have problems with DSD.

Please don’t be too harsh as I’m a step mum, I do try really hard and I have mild MH issues.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2019 20:36

At the very least stop cooking for them, all 3 of them, when they’re over. If he doesn’t like the way you do things then he can do it instead.

But have an honest word with yourself about what’s really going on. You’re already contradicting yourself and defending him when he’s made you miserable enough to leave your own home and start a thread about it on here.

She might be a nightmare but she’s a nightmare he’s created by showing his disrespect of you to her. Again, good people don’t treat other people like this. It won’t get better, it will get worse. You’re wrong to think the way he behaves is normal or acceptable and I feel sad for you that you’re equating being abused in your home by your husband as being in a happy marriage.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2019 20:39

I think you would be better just to leave your dsd alone, not single her out as you did even though it was meant in an attempt to work with her. I think she may be feeding off the drama and perhaps even enjoy hearing you being shouted at.

Chewbecca · 15/02/2019 20:39

Why were you expecting too much?

You asked if she wanted to make dinner. She didn’t want to make dinner and went to her room. That’s fine and totally normal for a 15 yo.

Knowing your relationship is tricky, her acting like a normal 15 yo isn’t worth you getting upset or picking a fight over. She will grow out of this phase, allow it to pass.

Still doesn’t excuse your DH’s behaviour.

EKGEMS · 15/02/2019 20:40

You are not at all receptive to hearing the truth about your relationship yet. Frankly it's surprising you even posted at all! Your husband's daughter is only treating you how her father treats you. He is verbally and emotionally abusive to you. He's no prince. He's no prize.

CoolJule43 · 15/02/2019 20:44

Could you perhaps show your husband this thread so he can see what the concensus of opinion is about his behaviour?

beansontoastfortea · 15/02/2019 20:45

I don't think you were expecting too much from her in what you asked her to do but I would definitely leave her to whatever she's doing... give her NO reason to complain about you as it sounds like she probably enjoys manipulating the situation so her df can have a go.

I'm a step mum full time and it's hard hard work.. my dp is also a step dad full time and so I understand the defensiveness too... I would just stick to the polite necessities with her and beyond that leave it.

Perty01234 · 15/02/2019 20:45

I think your DH thinks it’s maybe a criticism of him and his parenting that she is how she is around you? And that realistically he knows he can’t do anything to fix it so therefore it comes out in a shouty way. Which is shite for you.

When the DSD are back at their mums you need to have quite a frank conversation with him about how to makes you feel, you need to together think of ways to address it.
He needs to think before he opens his mouth and shouts.... on the flip side the DSD might think that she is the reason you are arguing? As they aren’t there a lot she also might think that your DH is unhappy as all she hears is the shouting. This could the. Enhance her behaviour towards you?

Realistically something has to give.... as you can’t go on like this.
Teens are bloody awkward at the best of times. I remember making my mum cry A LOT as a teen, and I didn’t care at the time. I was a right handful... but I got over it and have the best relationship now with her!

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 15/02/2019 20:46

Was I expecting too much from DSD?

The question you should be asking is:
why am I not expecting more from my husband?

His behaviour is not normal.
I agree with others who think he sounds horrid...

carrotflinger · 15/02/2019 20:51

Unless you know how nasty a 15yr old can be this could sound a bit lame.
It's your 'D'H who is the nasty one. 15 yr olds can be difficult. An adult man should know better.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2019 20:52

I don't think you were expecting to much. My mum certainly expected me to help when she was getting supper ready, setting the table, making a salad, even making the main dish (with her 'helping' me). How else would I have learnt to cook but at my mother's side?

I think you need to understand that whilst she may not be 15 forever, she will be his daughter forever. There will always be 'disagreements' between parent/step-parent and child, whether they're 15 or 50. And if he likes to 'yell at you' simply so it gets back to his ex, that will never change no matter how old she gets. So if you think this situation is going to go away simply because she's gotten older, you are 100% wrong. It's going to be this way for the rest of your life. Is that really the way you want to live?

Just out of curiosity, why does he want it to get back to his ex that he yells at you? What purpose does it serve? You'd think it would be the opposite, that he'd want her to think everything was roses with you, to prove to her that she was at fault for whatever problems they had.

Alsohuman · 15/02/2019 20:53

15 year olds are the pits, even when you gave birth to them. She'll grow out of being obnoxious, tough though it is when you're going through it. Unlikely that your husband will grow out of shouting at you, though. I'm not as appalled as a lot of people seem to be but you do need to make it clear - when the kids aren't there - that you won't put up with it

BollocksToBrexit · 15/02/2019 20:55

When my DD was 15 she was a bloody nightmare. But she'd have got a good telling off if she'd ever behaved like that towards her stepdad.

As others have said, you've got a DH problem not a DSD problem.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 15/02/2019 21:00

I'd be more worried about your DH than DSD. She will grow out of it, will he?

To me, shouting is unacceptable. But then again we all have different limits.

The bottom line is, he is not being supportive.

lily2403 · 15/02/2019 21:00

He’s not a good husband he’s a dick

He should be showing a united front, 15year old girls can be manipulative and the world of a teenager is very focused on themselves

BlueJag · 15/02/2019 21:01

@Horsemenoftheaclopalypse you are spot on.
Why spect so little from a 15 year old?
Clearly he thinks his dd shouldn't be inconvenienced by helping round the house.
By shouting at the OP it's empowering the 15 year old brat.
I'll refuse to do anything until they apologise for treating me like an unpaid servant.

Kaboomba · 15/02/2019 21:04

To answer your question op, and not make judgements on your marriage (like every other poster seems to be doing!), I would leave her be, if she engages with you then engage with her but stop making the effort with her. If you’ve done nothing for her to hate you so much then your conscience is clear. She won’t always be a moody teenager but she may always be an ass hat, showing her it doesn’t bother you now will save you a lot of grief and upset in the future!

Original poster
Beachside123 · 15/02/2019 21:06

Thanks all. I’m still in the car. I guess I’m embarrassed about walking back in. They’ve probably all had the tea I made and as she’s posting selfies on Instagram i guess all is well. I’m just the idiot sat in the car now.

OP posts:
kateandme · 15/02/2019 21:07

why ould she treat you with repsect when he isn't.no just the shouting which is beyond dickish.but she needs to see this woman is the one he loves and respects and want to be in his and her life.ur a family now.a unit too.he needs to support the both of you to come together.
could you go for a coffee or film right now?make it so she hasn't won and pushed you out of her and daddies home but you went out because you chose to.then come home all calmed,refreshed.your choise

Dippypippy1980 · 15/02/2019 21:08

Check into a lovely hotel tonight and get room service. Have a relaxing day tomorrow away for them all.

Then explain to your husband that you expect to be treated with respect in your home. You understand he loves his daughter but at her age she should be able to behave better than she does.

If she has some underlying resentment then this needs to be resolved. Family therapy maybe. Her mum isn’t not helping. Your husband is not helping.

I know you are defending him, but he is a huge part of the problem. And at 15 she should be more than able to help with dinner. In a few short years she will be fending for herself.

AdaColeman · 15/02/2019 21:09

Get yourself back home, and pour yourself a double gin before you take your coat off! Gin Gin

LilaJude · 15/02/2019 21:15

Your husband sounds foul. Why is he shouting at you?! That is utterly unacceptable, the horrible bullying prick

kateandme · 15/02/2019 21:17

would you have needed to walk if he loved and supported you through this with your dsd.

would you find her behaviour so hard if you new he had your back a the end of the day and got you through it together?
so if the problem her.or not feeling supported with her

Discombobulated9 · 15/02/2019 21:22

Show him his ex's Facebook posts about him shouting at you, he might wake up to the way he's treating you

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 15/02/2019 21:23

You're not the idiot sat in the car, you're the person who deserves to not have her DH shout at her and to have some respect shown, so is pissed off and rightly so. Agree with everything Dippy says.

beansontoastfortea · 15/02/2019 21:26

Go and pick yourself up a Chinese and walk back in with it, sit down and enjoy your food.