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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask parents of grown up children.

89 replies

Daffodilshootsahoy · 14/02/2019 18:15

When you look back on what life was like bringing your children up. What do you think/feel about it? Any words of wisdom?
I have 1 dd aged 4. Loan parent and I struggle at times but we get by ok. I just wonder how I will maybe feel when she is older, if there's anything I will regret doing and what I will remember the most.
It would be nice to have some insight from those that have brought up their own children.
Sorry if it's an odd question, just something I've been wondering for a while and dont have anyone else to ask.

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
AwsomeName · 14/02/2019 18:21

I've been wondering this too, so watching with interest.

Gin96 · 14/02/2019 18:21

When they grow up you miss having little people around, Christmas is never the same without the magic of children. Life is exhausting when there little, you wish you had more time for yourself and then you get that time and you miss being needed. I know it’s hard but make the most of every day because each stage doesn’t last very long and it never comes back. I love my grown up children and love the freedom I have now but miss the little people around 😊

YogaWannabe · 14/02/2019 18:22

Great thread OP!
Watching with interest!

MrsTommyBanks · 14/02/2019 18:23

All my happiest memories are of times we laughed together.

mokapot · 14/02/2019 18:24

Thank you for this thread and to @gin96

I feel like what gin wrote but already can feel missing my wee boys Sad

KaliforniaDreamz · 14/02/2019 18:25

I would say try to be as patient as possible. If it gets too hard beg for help! (pay for it if you can? getting a lovely 6th former in regularly, for example.)
Mine are still growing up but aren't little anymore and i regret so much the shouting and stress of the early years.
I keep my cool now and remember how fleeting it all is.

Hat off to you for doing it solo xxx

DurhamDurham · 14/02/2019 18:27

I look back and wished that I just enjoyed my girls more when they were little. Not worried so much about housework, maybe worked part time instead of full time (most of wages went in childcare anyway but I worried about my career)
I look back and realise we had lots of lovely times and happy memories but didn't really make the most of them at the time, always in a hurry for the next stage or milestone.
They've grown up in to lovely adults, I'm also a grandma now so I get to enjoy my granddaughter now and enjoy her in the stage she is currently in. Meanwhile her parents are running around being busy which is exactly what we did so maybe it's unavoidable and just life with young children.

Littlebighorn · 14/02/2019 18:28

You’ll never remember the last things you did for and with them, so the last time you gave them a bath, the last time they climbed into bed with you for a morning cuddle, the last time you read them a goodnight story or the last time you took them to the swings. So try to enjoy being in the moment and the very small ordinary pleasures having small children brings on even the most frazzled days.

Cuttingthegrass · 14/02/2019 18:30

I remember seeing the world through their eyes and happy times on day trips; feeding the ducks; holidays especially fossil hunting on a windy beach; I remember loving the look in their eyes when you were solely concentrating with them during an activity be it digging for worms or doing a puzzle or cuddled up together watching TV. And being proud of their achievements big or small

I don’t remember any joy of being so proud of a clean and tidy house lol

wineoclockthanks · 14/02/2019 18:30

That the old adage 'it's not things they want, it's you' is so true.

DS1 is 17 so not quite grown up (despite what he thinks!) but in the fun family memories he talks about, toys and expensive days out don't feature at all.

YogaWannabe · 14/02/2019 18:31

@KaliforniaDreamz I couldn’t agree more! I’d also not rule out visiting your GP if you do find you’re depressed, overly anxious etc instead of letting it eat away at you.

saoirse31 · 14/02/2019 18:31

Play with them, read to them, bedtime stories, take them outdoors as much as possible. Talk to them, listen to them, talk to them about everything. Get them into sports and music. Don't worry about housework.

Original poster
Daffodilshootsahoy · 14/02/2019 18:31

kalifornia this is what I worry about the most. Shouting. Sad I don't mean or want to but after an exhausting day and as dd is very, erm.. strong willed Grin i do shout and i hate myself for it. It plays on my mind and really regret it. I worry that I'll hate myself for it when she's older and always feel guilt because of it. I do try but sometimes with all the will in the world frustration gets the better of me.

OP posts:
Orchidfeed · 14/02/2019 18:31

I was a single parent to my DC from 3months onwards and now they’re nearly 30 :)
Looking back it went so quickly! Happy memories - the tough times eg sleepless nights & dealing with illness & everything alone fade over time...
Still very close & now they’re married

dontcallmelen · 14/02/2019 18:33

I have two grown up children, but is quite a hard question to answer.
Sometimes it felt relentless & just hard bloody work, but when they talk about childhood, it’s not the stuff that was expensive, it’s more about the daft things fun that we had & some of the disasters as well, they both say that they were glad we were firm but always fair & that when they were older, we let them have responsibilities & choices also that they knew would be consequences if behaviour was really unacceptable, but we always discussed why we were cross with them & how to move on from it.
Above all they both know they are loved & im very lucky I have a very good relationship with both of them & we are all very close & I now have a dgd that I can indulge & cherish play with all day & give back when I’m knackered😃
Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job, I wish you well 💐

user1486250399 · 14/02/2019 18:35

Mine are 6 months and 2.5 - following with interest

Shimy · 14/02/2019 18:36

I wish i had taken better care of photos, lost many a SIM card! apart from that, i did everything i could possibly do. Visits to the park, Digging up small stones and worms in the garden. Riding bikes in the neighbourhood, loads of birthday parties went to all of them.
Got them into reading early enough so they developed a love of books.

Just try your best. Its's an exhausting time and so you won't get it all right but as long as you do the basics (they don't remember a lot anyway), don't beat yourself up about Smile.

dontcallmelen · 14/02/2019 18:37

Yy Christmas, now that we have dgd I was running around last Christmas Eve ringing bells, tracking Santa & writing thank you letter from Santa & putting together a dolls house, ‘twas absolutely brilliant & I loved every minute of it.

Original poster
Daffodilshootsahoy · 14/02/2019 18:37

Awww thanks for all these responses. They're really lovely! Smile
Ah, I'm so hung up on the house being tidy it's ridiculous, I'm trying to get over that as I see it's a losing battle anyway Grin

OP posts:
Gin96 · 14/02/2019 18:38

@ daffodil don’t beat yourself up to much, children do need boundaries, it makes them better adults, just try and balance it with having fun, trips to the park, even if it’s cold. What I love about young children everything is new and exciting, seeing a butterfly, flowers in bloom, a push on a swing, singing even if you sound awful, children still think you’re wonderful Smile

BlueSuffragette · 14/02/2019 18:39

Build a lifetime of memories. Happy times you will remember. It doesn't need to cost much, cuddles, love, laughter, new experiences- kicking leaves in the rain, finding shells on a beach....Enjoy the here and now and don't always fret about the future. They grow up so quickly. As teens they grow a bit apart from you as they spend time alone in their room or with friends. Keep communication channels open! They come back. Gradually you realise that the limiting factor is often time....so think about ways to maximise it and enjoy it together.

Singlenotsingle · 14/02/2019 18:39

Wish I'd been able to take them out more, but I was single parent of 2 Boys and had to work full time. Either I didn't have the time, or I didn't have the money. Now I'm a gran, and get included when ads2 takes the dgc to the zoo or the beach. I love it but wish I'd been able to do it for mine!

TheFaerieQueene · 14/02/2019 18:41

I heard a little girl today (possibly 4 yo) talking with an older lady who was with her, I assumed her GM. Her little voice was so sweet, high pitched and singsongy. It was lovely hearing her and her wonder at the world. It made me very happy but also sad that my DS (27) isn’t that young anymore.

My advice is enjoy the little things, keep hold of special drawings and take loads of photos and print them out.

Original poster
Daffodilshootsahoy · 14/02/2019 18:48

We do a lot. I try to get her out everyday, even just to the local park or to the woods for a walk. We go swimming and to soft play each week (finances allowing) out for drives, beach in the summer time etc.
We bake, watch films, play in the garden etc when we're at home.. I just worry that although I do all these things I don't often feel fully present with her when I am.
It's like I'm always on edge waiting for the next step/thing to happen or feeling like my mind is fried, I work too. I dont want to waste this time as i know it's so precious but it's so hard too.

She's a happy, cheery -demanding- little being. I'm just preying I'm doing it all right and she'll look back on her childhood and know she was loved. I want that more than anything but I don't know I am providing that for her.
As a pp said, she just want to be with/near me really. I don't always feel present and worry she's picking up on that Sad

(Sorry not meaning to bring the time of the thread down!)

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Original poster
Daffodilshootsahoy · 14/02/2019 18:50

tone

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