To ask parents of grown up children.

[Daffodilshootsahoy]

When you look back on what life was like bringing your children up. What do you think/feel about it? Any words of wisdom?
I have 1 dd aged 4. Loan parent and I struggle at times but we get by ok. I just wonder how I will maybe feel when she is older, if there's anything I will regret doing and what I will remember the most.
It would be nice to have some insight from those that have brought up their own children.
Sorry if it's an odd question, just something I've been wondering for a while and dont have anyone else to ask.

Thanks

This thread is making me cry! I’ve been such a bad, shouty, impatient mummy recently and I want to rewind and do it all again to make it better

Guilt will eat you up. Forgive yourself. Go to bed.get up. Be a bit nicer.
As PP said - apologise. Kids are very forgiving x

Enjoy, laugh and let them see you are human.

I spent so much time worrying about being a good mother, feeding them the right things, giving them the right education, modelling the right behaviour, not shouting that I sometimes forgot to let my hair down and be me.

Funnily enough my adult dss don't remember the healthy vegetables they ate or trips to the museum or even the Christmas presents that cost more than I could really afford. But they do remember the times we all laughed till we cried and the times we danced in the kitchen with T towels on our heads .

When they’re teenagers they go to the “dark side” but they do come back it just takes time. They don’t remember most of the times you shouted at them and got angry.
A £5 day in with films and baking is as good as a £100 day out doing loads.

Time goes too fast

I agree with pp who said about being ready to apologise. It is okay to say "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that" / "I'm sorry, I forgot. I know I said I would and I'm really sorry I didn't" - sort of - 'it is okay to be fallible and to make mistakes' - great lesson in life for young people (particularly teens).
I'm glad I let them make mistakes sometimes, and then face the consequence of those mistakes - not running up to school with forgotten lunch or whatever. Builds a bit of resiliance.
I'm glad I always made their friends welcome here - none of this nonsense you read so much about on threads on here about 'keeping count' and stopping inviting children who can't invite your dc to their home. I'm glad I always offered lifts to whoever needed one, again, regardless of if they could offer one back.
I'm glad my dc know that, if it comes to it, I will have their backs as long as they have done their best, including thinking about how they might sort something out for themselves first... this links back to the not 'jumping in and rescuing them' straight away. When there was an issue, I would ask them what they might be able to do about it (go see a teacher / HoY / HoD etc., before I needed to get involved). I think this follows on from when they were littler and I'm glad I encouraged them to go and pay for something in a shop, or go and ask staff at attractions or in shops or whatever if they needed directions, or if they needed a drink or whatever.
I'm glad we've always eaten together at the table with no TV / background distractions. It kept the conversations and talking going through all the teenage years. I'm glad I made the dc cook family meals from in their early teens - that was SUCH a good idea I stole from someone else for SO many reasons.

What did I get wrong ? Lots, I'm sure, but you have to hang on to the fact that if you are doing your best, and worrying about if you are 'getting it right', then you are probably doing a pretty good job. I stressed too much with dc1. By dc3 I realised that some things just weren't that important.

Try and be with them as much as possible. Put the phone down, put the laptop down. Go outside, do old fashioned stuff. Go blackberry picking.

I have a DD who is 24 in a couple of weeks, my daughter is 21. Then I have ds15, dd13, dd11 and dd7.

It was definitely simpler with the older 2. No technology and worrying about social media dangers, bullying, who was following the "right" people on you tube.

Get outdoors and have picnics for breakfast on the spur of the moment. On a nice day I say right let's go to Tesco, grab strawberries, Danish, yogurts, whatever and go to the park. It's 8 am but it's a beautiful day. I still do this with my youngest 3, even the youngest 4 from time to time.

Sing in the car, all the time. Just get back to basics and spend time with them. It really does fly by. I'm lucky, ice been able to drag it out over all of these years. I enjoyed every minute of my kids younger years.

Having said all of that, I love having grown up DC too. I'm so proud seeing my DD set up home, hold down a responsible job. We go out for lunch, we go shopping, the younger DC stay over at her house. Ds is still at home but he works, buys me flowers and chocolate 😍, has lovely mates who just walk in and out like our home is theirs, just the way I always imagined it.

Being a mum has been the best thing I've ever done.

Oh, and get photos and video of you with them. Important.

Yes I have an 18 year old DS and 16 yr old DD. I look back and don’t know where the time has gone. A colleague made me a bit sad when she said ‘one day you pick them up and put them down and you never pick them up again’ you just don’t know it at the time.
It’s the same with everything,a last nappy change, a last bath, a last bedtime story, just make the most of it all - it’s over way too soon

Yes i feel like that too. It has been an honour to be their mum and i regularly say thank you to them for choosing me!!

OP you are doing fine x

If you have more than one child work really hard on the relationship between siblings. I remember with such joy the day my dd said “we” and she meant herself and her little brother, not me and her.

Worst advice ever? “You have to follow through on what you say”. No you don’t. If you issue a punishment and on reflection you think it was inappropriate or two harsh then it’s absolutely fine to say “Actually, I was wrong about that”
Another bad bit of advice? That thing about not taking forgotten things to school for them. If you can, do it. They won’t learn to remember things if you don’t- they will learn about kindness if you do.

My youngest is 15, so not quite an adult yet, but the baby years are long behind us.
The things that I’ve found to be important for us:
Listen to them - it’s so important. Listen when they’re little, even when they’re talking nonsense - if they know that you’ll always listen, they’re more likely to talk to you when they’re older, maybe about things they’re finding difficult.
I tried so hard not to shout (didn’t always manage it!), my Gran told me to “pick your arguments” - so right, some things matter much more, let the small stuff go.
You can only ever do your best - be content with that, you can do no more.
Love them and tell them that you love them.
Give them your time, not “stuff”, it’s much more valuable - even now, this evening, we were laughing together, playing a card game. Silly stuff, but so lovely to see them happy.
Getting a bit emotional now, so I’m going to stop 🥰
Absolutely none of those things involved money.
Try to enjoy everything, not always easy, I know.

If I could go back I would be gentler on dd and on myself. But we lived in harsh times.

I learnt that I don’t have any regrets about being “too soft” on the kids, ever but have regretted being too hard.
So the nights we all shared a bed when I was first a lone parent, I worried was i using the kids to fill that hole in my life and ease my sadness? Was it wrong? Long term I know it wasn’t and both of them fondly remember those nights watching DVDs and cuddling in as a time of security and love. They grew up to not always need me to read to them, let them in my bed, cuddle them etc- despite so many people saying “you’re making a rod for your own back” etc.

The little things DO count- letting them have an afternoon off school just because they feel a bit sad about life or school or something. Those little impromptu park picnics on sunny days. Always making friends welcome, and the home a happy and friendly place to be.

But cut yourself some slack too- raising kids is bloody hard work. So if you can cut corners and cuddle in for an evening just do it- you won’t regret that but you might regret prioritising your housework or your mumsnet time etc.

Lovely thread. I've a 4yr old so placemarking for some advice.

Crying at the lovely words of wisdom in this thread.

I'm going to try and take on board as many tips as I can. Dd is 4 and the time is slipping through our fingers already.

Mine are in their 40s now (where did the time go..!?) both parents themselves - and yes, I too shouted - and have felt guilty; but when I asked them, neither of them remembers me yelling, but they remember going sledging in the local woods, trips to the paddling pool in the nearby park (we'd take a picnic and go for the whole afternoon), the thrill of being old enough to walk to the postbox on the corner alone to post a letter (me hiding and watching them every step of the way), going swimming, water-fights in the garden in summer (using empty washing-up liquid bottles as weapons) and me always making their friends welcome as they got older.
My friend was very tidy, the dusting and hoovering always had to be done before she went out - she told me recently that she really regretted spending so much time on housework when she could have been playing with her children...
I felt really sorry for her - and that's something that all Mums need to bear in mind. These years are the most stressful - but they go so fast, and you can't get them back, so relax and enjoy them. 😍

4 all now in their 40's with their own families. Loved the baby years and the toddlers. My house was a tip, I knew I had the rest of my life for a tidy house. I probably shouted too much and didnt praise them enough. The teenage years were turbulent but we all got through it. They are all thoughtful caring adults and fantastic parents. Whatever I did wrong they came out right. Sometimes when they are little you long for the next stage instead of loving the present. Through the school years a lot of time is wasted worrying unnecessarily. Success in school is little measure of the future.The fact that you are worrying about doing enough suggests to me that you are. You don't have to be perfect. Try to spend more time listening to them than telling them things. Try to never close the door of communication even if you struggle sometimes. The good grounding you give them in the early years will carry you through any difficult patches. Just love isn't enough, they need guidance and boundaries too, Remember your job is to help them be strong and independent in whatever world they find themselves. They dont need a friend, they need a parent

I wish I'd taken more video. DD is 20 now so I didn't have a smart phone when she was little so it wasn't as easy as it is today. I used to think I didn't need to get the big camera out as I'd remember everything, but I don't! I miss her as a cute little toddler and really wish I had more video.

The best moments looking back weren't the holidays or clubs but just playing. Getting on the floor under the table and playing games.
Also the park. Playing. Picnics and ice cream. Going for walks in the wood and collecting sticks.

Forget jobs and constant tidying. Iooking back I'd rather have a messy house and more times doing stuff with them.

I'd also read stories to them for longer. I gave up too soon I think.

Advice?
Let them believe in all the make believe and fairy nonsense.
Dont worry about school work too much, if they are too tired to learn spellings this week then so what? Family time and having time to be a child is more important.
Be adventurous with food.
Encourage hobbies, if they want to try something new let them.
Dont worry about expensive holidays, the best memories mine have are building a moat out of old guttering around the garden and potato printing.
Let them dig holes and play in puddles.
Get pets.
Encourage them to think for themselves and to question things. Let them make up their own minds re: religion and politics.
My biggest regret is not getting them swimming as babies. Took ages once the fear kicked in at age 5.

I have an only DS. He's 20 now and I started thinking recently that I'd done him a disservice by not having any siblings for him. He told me that he's has had a wonderful life so far. He remembers the cheap caravan holidays rather than the expensive overseas trips. Making things and baking things. He remembers the silly things, not the things I worried about.

Basically, enjoy them while they are little, they really do grow up fast. Just seems like last week that I had a little snuggly, cuddly child falling asleep on me on the sofa. I miss that. x

What a lovely topic.

I have a 23 year old son and my biggest regret was not spending enough time with him when he was little. I brought him up single handedly from age 3. I had my own business and worked really hard to send him to private school. Perhaps I would have been better served to have done a local primary and not worked such long hours.

I took lots of photographs and labelled them all - you think you will remember but you don't! Not such an issue with today's digital age but I would certainly write the names of the back of the school group pictures. You forget!

I also have a book (I bought a really good quality one so it can be kept for ever) where I wrote down all the funny things he said. Special days out and holidays I would write phrases (eg sunflower) then when I go through it I remember the whole funny story about the sunflower.

Every year 'interview' your daughter. You get great templates on Pinterest with sample questions and use the same questions every year. That's such a lovely thing to do. You could do it every birthday, Christmas time or Easter.

I echo the others - it's the small things that we remember, not the big expensive things. I've also got a box which I keep all his achievement certificates, first shoes, school reports and cards he made and sent me. Make memories. You sound like you are doing just fine.

Enjoy more, worry less.

And when it gets hard remember it's a damn sight harder when they move away and don't need you as much.

It broke my heart

(It's mending though)

Just reading through some of the comments - (should have done it before posting). Completely agree with the advice that you are their parent not their friend. I had strict rules but my son is totally thankful for that.

And eat round the table, even when it's just the two of you. We had (still have my my teenage twins) questions that we ask: best part of the day, worst part of the day, what did you learn and what would you change. It's a great conversation starter!

And finally, as another other wise MN said if you are worrying about not spending enough time with her, you ARE probably spending enough time with her. There is a balance of independence required to a degree.

Enjoy every second. I loved this age.