To ask parents of grown up children.

[Daffodilshootsahoy]

When you look back on what life was like bringing your children up. What do you think/feel about it? Any words of wisdom?
I have 1 dd aged 4. Loan parent and I struggle at times but we get by ok. I just wonder how I will maybe feel when she is older, if there's anything I will regret doing and what I will remember the most.
It would be nice to have some insight from those that have brought up their own children.
Sorry if it's an odd question, just something I've been wondering for a while and dont have anyone else to ask.

Thanks

What a lovely question Daffodil

I have 2 DDs and a DSS in their late twenties, early thirties. It seems like yesterday in some ways and although it was hard and relentless, gosh I miss the cuddling, them sitting on my lap, reading stories, the funny words they got wrong and the feeling when they were in bed and warm and fed and looking in on them and melting.

As far as I'm concerned, it's just been an absolute privilege to have had children and slowly watch them growing up, nurturing them, trying to show them the way and trying to teach them how to cope with the trials and tribulations of life.

The teenage years weren't that easy, but as far as I'm concerned, it's nature's way of loosening the strings and slowly letting them go. Children are lent to you for a short time, and if you can help with the building blocks ready for adult life, you've done your job and you have to let go. Not easy though.

The one thing I'd say is... we never spent oodles of money on them, we really didn't, but we did try and find as much time as possibe to spend with them, sometimes not easy.

I feel so lucky to be really close to them now and love having adult kids, but I'd love to go back for a day, just a day mind you

Some one ...I think it was Oscar Wilde ...said ...'When your children are young they love you ...when they get older they judge you ...if you are lucky they'll forgive you'.

Best advice I can give anybody is to bear this in mind as you bring them up. I definitely judge my parents ...as well as loving them ...do you? I think I did better than my parents ...i certainly made a determined effort to avoid their mistakes and I think I succeeded in this...but I made mistakes of my own.

Best advice? Do your best. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you will inevitably make and congratulate yourselves for all the ways in which you will ...with careful thought ...get it right.

Best wishes to all you young parents. It's never been easy and I think its harder than ever these days.

Fantastic thread OP!

Daffodil you sound like you're doing a brilliant job. And I used to be right mardy with them when they were little, I was worn to a frazzle. Your DD will know she is loved, you can't be perfect all the time, that's life... there is always something going on and your DD can't have your undivided attention all the time.

Its the memories part thats hard to do as you are never sure what they will actually remember.
My boys are now adults, Dd is still in high school.
They still remember silly things, like when we didn't have a lot of money so I'd pack a picnic and feed them at the park on the way to getting the groceries they apparently loved it. I was just trying to fill them up so they didn't ask for lots of junk at the shops.
We used to do a lot of free stuff, parks, a little zoo place and visiting friends with kids similar ages, taking turns whos house we'd all go to. Whoever hosted put on coffee for adults, juice and snacks for the kids.
They'd all play outside and get very dirty and had loads of fun.
Dh never liked holidays but I insisted they needed them as it would make memories we did a few theme parks, but mostly they talk about time we had stayed in cheap hotels and they were so excited they talked past midnight and watched cartooons on the hotel room TV.
They enjoyed a lot of small stuff, Friday night was make your own pizza night, I made dough in the bread maker and they had to roll or spin the dough and make dinner.
I did baby books, but like many, the first childs has more detail, second has lots of stuff pushed inside and the third has a box and bits.
I tried very hard with the no shouting, it is a hard one. I got better as they aged. I used to leave notes with requests on for them to do jobs while I was at work (part time 8-2) in the summer holidays. If all jobs were done we could go swimming when I got in (they were about 6 and 12 then)
You don't need to throw a lot of money at it all, just spend the time. Read chapter books lying on the bed with them at night. We used to play wrestle on my kingsize bed.
Their Dad gave them a low shelf in the garage and put stuff for them to "make" on there. Lots of PVC pipe, electrical tape, bits of wire, wood, nails, screws hammers etc. they spent lots of time in the holidays and weekends with that unsupervised and no one got hurt.
Just remember to enjoy them, when I was really tired I mostly did the reading and saved the active stuff for good days.

I would say make their friends welcome. I have two grown up sons and I have been thanked for the meals I provided and the fact that my home was a safe place for other boys. I didn’t know it at the time because boys play their cards close to their chest but I feel loved by their friends as well.

i sort of miss the jammy finger marks everywhere, the excitement when i was baking, they'd all be in the kitchen, 6 under 10 ! christmas, family days out going to the park / walks. holidays to the seaside by train. wow - that was like trying to organise a small army, everyone has a small suitcase to wheel, and the finished with baby buggy was loaded up too, all their little faces gazing up at me, now i'm the shortest i could go on...god i feel teary now, my youngest has just turned 18 and the eldest is 26 !

Awwwww

I think I'll remember her cute little happy face the most. She has the most beautiful cheery smile. And the way her eyes light up when she's excited.
A new thing she's been doing recently: When she gets comfortable in bed, just as I'm about to read her a story and she'll wriggle about and laugh and say "I'm so excited!"
Its something I do when I get into bed, I'll be so comfortable I can't help but actually laugh about it hahaa! she does the same thing when I tuck her in so I know what she's feeling and where she's coming from. Awww

Being bonkers enough to go rollerblading with my eldest in the shopping centre ! I must have been late 20's - I'd love to do it again - but I'd probably put a hip out !

Things I wish I had realised

1. Housework will always be there. Go to the park instead of cleaning.
2. The little things really don’t matter. When u are about to get cross think is it really worth it. If it isn’t don’t worry about it.
3. Always make time to listen no matter how busy you are

4 always make time for kisses and cuddles

1. If they reach the age of 18 and you haven’t murdered them give yourself a pat on the back. You have done a good job.

You sound like a lovely mum. I know what you mean about feeling 'present' though, and all I can say is don't be too hard on yourself! You can be a great mum and still find some aspects of parenting boring. I have about a ten minute limit on playing toys/games before my mind wanders and I've had enough . But since DD obviously loves it, I do as much as I can while also doing things for me - reading MN with a coffee while she plays a bit is fair enough imo. You have to take care of both of your needs and I don't see any shame in admitting that. But your DD sounds lucky to have a mum like you.

I have one adult, one 15 yo, was on my own since the youngest was 11 months until a few years ago.

We had great fun, for years we were a team the 3 of us. We travelled so many places all over the country by train. I loved planning bargain weekends away and exploring. Day trips, often cheap. In jokes between the 3 of us. Chilled days binge watching Netflix series. Lots of cuddles. Doing big jigsaws over several days. Mario kart championships.

I have a new partner now and eldest has left home. Life is easier in many ways but I actually miss those days, always planning the next adventure

1. Be prepared to apologise and say you were wrong - so if you were shouty, say you're sorry you were shouting as you were tired. Or if you've given a snap decision punishment that's over the top, like no tv for 2 weeks, say you've been thinking about it and you were cross when you said it and you've decided it will be no tv for 2 nights. I found the kids learnt it was ok to say they were wrong about something and had made a bad decision and that it was okay to change their minds. 2) Smile when they come in the door after being at school. I would smile and wave through the kitchen window, and loved seeing his little face change from just thinking to a big grin. Home should be where you know you are loved and wanted. Apart from that, just enjoy the little things, the hugs, smiles, giggles. You have a wonderful time to enjoy.

My eldest is 19 so not grown up still but my main thing I've learned is that the problems and issues get bigger with age.
When you have little ones you think parenting cannot get harder, think sleepless nights, waking up before cbeebies starts etc. Well it's got nothing on mental health concerns, which uni, serious relationships and breakups etc. A friend of mine (she is on here) very perceptively said 'as the parent of a young adult you are only as happy as your least happy child'.

Be kind to your daughter and just as kind to yourself. When her toys or clothes are scattered everywhere, don't get angry, one day they will all be picked up and put away and you will miss them. Surprise her with your undivided attention, if only for an hour. Tell her you love her unconditionally and let her grow in the light of your compassion. Hold her hand whenever you can and be amazed by the innocence of her questions. Know that she is teaching you as much as you are teaching her, so you will both need to listen to each other.

I miss holding little hands. But the man sized hugs from my son when I'm sad are the best.

Thank you takemedown
I don't feel like I am, I do all the right things and love her and we have fun but I feel stressed a lot.
I'm hoping that's just with her age and it will get easier as she gets older and behaves a bit more. She's not a naughty kid, at all. Just strong and demanding. But I feel like her attitude will serve her well when she grows up so I'm trying to find balance between not wanting to squash her spirit and discipline.
I need to relax more but I find that hard. Shed be happier if I did I think but I'm not sure how to work on that more than I already do. Hopefully it'll pass in time. It's already getting easier!

I feel like I spent too much time worrying about stuff like how tidy the house was. Now mine are grown up and left home I wish I’d spent more time with them...I was always around (never worked full time) but I always seemed to be rushing to do something. I seemed to spend a lot of time saying “hang on, I just need to do...” when they wanted my attention, I wish I’d have just dropped what I was doing more often and got down on the floor with them to play. They’ve both turned out fine so I don’t think I did much wrong really, but I think my priorities were a bit skewed. Drink them in, live in the moment, enjoy them, play with them. Time flies, it really does.

Following so I can read all the responses.

UAEmum hit the nail on the head there. I spend much more time worrying about my dc now than I did when they were little. Nothing worse than worrying about them when they live far away.

Cake yy apologies yes I did get really stressed & cross with mine sometimes, they could be unbelievably daft at times & know I went overboard but I always apologised once I’d calmed down & talked through how we could have all done better.
Also agree, the worries are different but you never really stop & it’s very hard at times when dcs are adults, all you can hope is that you have a good relationship & that they will ask for help & support, because they know you will give it if you possibly can.

I fell into a rabbit hole of guilt when mine were really little and i was shouting a lot. i had good advice on here about imagining a camera crew following you!

anyway don't sweat it too much. she adores you. and you her. and in the end that is what counts.

sometimes you have to just submit to it. leave your phone downstairs at bedtime and give her your undivided xx

@Daffodilshootsahoy it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your daughter so don't feel bad for making sure that she has boundaries and discipline. That's what being a mum is all about.

She will have lots of friends throughout her life, but she will only ever have one mum.

Working and parenting is hard. I haven't seen my son awake since Tuesday

I treasure memories of snuggli g up on the sofa and reading bedtime stories with my DC. Definitely form memories and family traditions as they look back on these fondly - wear wellies and splash in puddles as often as possible. If at all possible, share with them growing veg - even if only in a pot. Two practical things I wished I had done consistently- a photo on their birthday kept in an album with the year noted on and a book of events for each one - illnesses, competitions won, what their birthday party theme was etc.

Fantastic thread, following for some wisdom