AIBU to think self soothing is a myth?!

[nonamesareavailable]

Can babies actually self soothe? Mine won't go to sleep without a lot of help (pram, boob, rocking etc - often all of these!)...

Do babies ever learn to self soothe? How?! When?!

Anon

All babies are different . I said above My DD didnt want a cuddle or bear to be in our bed when she wanted to sleep. She would wriggle and fidget until we put her in her cot. She also learnt long before she could talk to communicate that she was tired and wanted to sleep, without crying. It was a little noise that meant , i want my bed now!
Both mine slept through from 3 months, no sleep training, although ds wasnt so great when he was 2, and dd couldnt get to sleep when she was 6.

There’s nothing wrong with it Anon if it makes you happy and you enjoy it.

Equally there’s nothing wrong with feeling suffocated by your child’s constant need for you.

All babies are different. All mothers are different.

No, I don't believe in self soothing in the sense that a baby tells themselves it's ok, mummy's nearby, you're OK, everything is safe, sssh. I don't think that's possible, they don't have the development to do that until they are maybe 4 years old.

But it is possible for some babies to feel safe and secure and relaxed enough to go off to sleep without you necessarily being there - but the level of reassurance needed is going to be different from baby to baby and also change depending on their age, their current needs, phases, mood, other development etc. Some will need holding and feeding or stroking or rocking. Some need to be held but no other stimulus needed. Others need to be in body contact but not necessarily held. Some are ok with you being close by but not actually touching and some (usually by repeated assurance that you'll come back) are ok knowing their caregiver is close by even if they can't see him/her.

I believe you can encourage these things and move one step at a time towards the level you're happiest with by constant reassurance, making their bed etc safe and comfortable, and intermittent checking, but it is normal for them to need more or less at various stages and it doesn't mean you've done something wrong. I also don't believe you can encourage a greater level of independent sleep by leaving them to cry, that if anything is likely to teach them that sleep time is the opposite of a calm, relaxed, predictable experience.

bruffin my DD was the same.

Anon she did a sleep noise, but like bruffin if we intervened it made her properly cry. You don't have to believe it, nor do you have to believe that the youngest was the absolute total opposite.

Agree with you, Bertie

I don’t quite understand why people expect tiny dependent humans to be so self sufficient so early on

All babies are different. DD1 wouldn't have settled so easily if I cuddled her to sleep, in fact she would have been quite annoyed by it. She was happy to have a cuddle but at a very young age would actually push away from me and want to go on the floor to have a wriggle on her blanket. It was also a hot summer when she was born, we would have both been overheating if I held her all the time.

DD2 was born in a cold winter and could have cuddled all day. She would always cuddle everything -me, the cats (to their dismay), teddy bears.

The aim of raising children is to make them feel secure, but part of that, even when they are tiny, is done by going away and coming back again, then they know you come back, they are not made secure by you hanging on to them for dear life and never being away.

And that's not to say I'm not close to my eldest. She will be 14 this year, and we have a deep emotional connection, which has sometimes been extremely intense as we are often so similar!

Depends on the baby. DD1 found her fingers pretty early on and still sucks them at nearly 6 to put herself to sleep. (Yes, I know ) DD2 (1.5) won't take a dummy, thumb/fingers, cuddly toy, favourite blankie, ANYTHING. She falls asleep on the boob pretty reliably or DH can sometimes get her to fall asleep on him. Otherwise she sometimes falls asleep in the car or in the buggy, but not reliably. She's just not a sleeper!

Not a myth, it's mostly habitual. They get used to being rocked and therefore require it.

I can't offer advice on how to break habits but I would advise those pregnant or with newborns to start as you mean to go on! After a feed, put them down in their cot awake, give them a comforter of sorts (dummy, blanket, teddy) don't rock/bounce at all and they won't need it.

Mine, particularly DD2 (since I learnt this the hard way with DD1!), practically dive into bed every night. I give them a kiss and walk out the door and (besides illness) I won't see them again for 12 hours. They don't always go straight to sleep, in fact my eldest can be heard chatting/singing on the monitor for up to an hour on occasion, but they'll nod off happily when they're ready. Just make their bed a source of comfort from the start.

Pernickity1

Absolute rubbish, this is why these threads get so defensive. Your babies has the right temperament to respond to such an approach. Many babies don't and they need help to sleep. They're all different and the superior attitude of some parents who are fortunate enough to have good sleepers is just incredibly irritating

I tried really hard to put my baby down awake from birth - he wasn't having any of it so I had to resort to feeding/rocking etc. and I beat myself up for 'doing it wrong' for months.

I totally agree with bertie - and, like hersymphony (who I think has made very sensible comments throughout this thread, by the way!) I don't see why people are so insistent that all babies are alike here. Something that worked (or didn't) for your baby isn't universal; people aren't either being over-indulgent or cruel if their baby doesn't get exactly the same amount of help to sleep as yours.

I do also think people are a bit loose/imprecise in their definition of 'self soothing' - what they really mean is 'doesn't require the active help of a parent'. A baby with a dummy isn't doing anything developmentally different to a baby who wants to spend all night latched onto their cosleeping mother - they aren't more advanced and they don't have a skill the other baby doesn't. Similarly a swaddled baby isn't doing anything different to one sleeping in arms. Obviously swaddles and dummies are much more convenient for the parents and that's fine and great, but it's a bit irritating to hear people claim that those babies are somehow a developmental step ahead.

Pernickety is right .
Its to do with sleep cues .
Babies exhibit sleep cues and by following a bedtime routine you can set them.
Every parent I know who has followed a nice relaxed routine with bath,milk,teeth,stories has good sleepers .
Its nothing to do with being smug at all .
Its common sense.
Also I did not expect my tiny babies to self soothe-was talking 8/9months .
If you rock your child that becomes their sleep cue -why wouldnt they expect it ?
It becomes normal for them.

I have a nice relaxed bedtime routine, have done since he decided his nighttime sleep started at 7pm when he was about 10 weeks old. It’s never stopped him waking frequently at night.

Fwiw I don’t think I have done anything “wrong”, as I have just met my son’s needs and that has changed as he has developed. I am lucky that he goes to sleep very easily, even if he does wake a lot, which I do find hard.

But I would hate for someone who is struggling with a baby who doesn’t sleep for long periods to read the posts that say “you just need to do XYZ”, which assume that every baby is the same, and feel that because that hasn’t worked for them, or wouldn’t work for them for whatever reason, that they have failed somehow.

They stare into one spot. Try it yourself - stare at one spot with your eyes open. I'm sorry but helping them so much you are not letting them find their way and making your own life tricky. There are lots of good sleep books out there.

As above, my son even now at 3 and a half can't fall asleep alone and wakes at least once a night. My daughter from birth has happily put herself to sleep with minimal fuss, actively dislikes being held, patted, shushed etc. Swaddle on, into bed, asleep in 5 mins. I'm just glad they were born in this order or I'd have been in for the shock of my life.

Not a myth, it's mostly habitual. They get used to being rocked and therefore require it.

Well, yes, but they’ve had nine months inside you getting used to being rocked as you move about. Some babies are happy to reset their expectations when in the outside world; some absolutely are not!

Everyone I know with an awful sleeper or a Velcro baby, me included, tried to ‘start as we meant to go on’ and ‘put them down drowsy but awake’ and ‘have a nice sleepy bedtime routine’ and all the other advice you get. It’s just that with ours it didn’t work.

There are lots of good sleep books out there.

Don't you find that a bit suspicious? If there was one way that was guaranteed to work, as you seem to be suggesting, why would the baby sleep market be a multi-million one? Wouldn't everyone know to do that thing, and then just do it?

@Anon10 Honestly, I thought these self settling babies were, if real, the result of hours of screaming alone in their cots. My son is the WORST sleeper. Screamed blue murder if left alone. Woke a million times a night, drove me literally to the brink. Residential sleep school, private sleep consultants, is 3 and a half and can't fall asleep alone and wakes every single night.

Baby #2. Determined not to repeat same "mistakes" for fear of nervous breakdown. Put down awake from birth, never held/fed to sleep. Clear from day 1 a VERY different person to her brother. From weeks old literally put her in swaddle, into bed, walk away and asleep in minutes. I didn't believe it was possible either.

I also thought that everyone with a ‘self-settling’ baby must be dealing with hours of screaming puking hell every bedtime and naptime to get there. Still remember visiting a friend with her newborn and she said “oh, someone’s looking a bit tired” and put the baby down in the Moses basket and the baby WENT TO SLEEP, not a single tear! In a Moses basket! I was

There's no way my DD would have gone to sleep without being patted and bounced - until one day she just did. I didn't do anything differently - she just changed overnight.

Nothing I could have done would have made her do it any sooner - and nothing I could have done would have stopped her from doing it!

Mine would drift off in a Moses basket when he was teeny tiny (under six weeks) - though rarely did, because holding a tiny sleeping newborn is amazing and I regret it not one jot; was hell to get to sleep from about six weeks to twelve weeks and would nap only in the sling; would chat to himself and then drift off to sleep alone in his cot (though only at nights; still a terrible napper) for one glorious month when he was three months (still woke up a lot in the night, though); hit four months and started taking up to an hour of rocking to go to sleep; at six months we did some gradual retreat stuff but never actually retreated and at seven months he'll go to sleep while being patted and shushed in the cot. He also slept through the night for three wonderful nights last week before his latest lot of teeth started coming through and now he's sleeping poorly again, though we live in hope that that might end...

Presumably I have gone from being a good parent to a shit parent to a great parent to an appalling parent to a moderate but could do better parent. Alternatively, DS is an actual human being who has his own preferences and needs and so doesn't always respond in exactly the same way to what I do, like a tiny robot.

@LisaSimpsonsbff thanks you just made me laugh and feel loads better about my terrible sleeper! Thanks for all the replies!

@darceybussell this is me! This is where I am at too