AIBU to think self soothing is a myth?!

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Can babies actually self soothe? Mine won't go to sleep without a lot of help (pram, boob, rocking etc - often all of these!)...

Do babies ever learn to self soothe? How?! When?!

A complete myth. Neither DS or DD slept unless I was in the room with them at first. Eventually I found something that actually worked. Exercise.

Its recognising when your child is needing something vs when your child is wanting attention. If your leaving a child to cry when their needs haven't been met self soothing of any other kind of soothing isn't going to happen. However if you've met all of their needs your child is probably crying for 'wants', which they learn very early on how to get. When you get a child that won't sleep unless they're given this or that, or being held or rocked; this is meeting the child's wants. I can promise you no child needs these to sleep, its just often easier to give in.

DD was the worst for me as its very difficult at times to give into crying and whining, but as long as they've been given the attention they need, in my opinion it isn't helping them and you should start as you mean to go on by teaching them demands of wants wont be met on their terms.

Its tough but well worth it if you value good behaviour.

I think with babies sometimes they are just crying because they are tired and actually need to sleep, it's not a loud cry, and you've ruled everything else out- they aren't hungry or thirsty, too hot or too cold, they have a clean nappy, and within 5-10 minutes they will be asleep.

Both DDs used to fall asleep playing on the baby gym sometimes.

At the same time, when DD1 was a toddler and hysterically crying at bedtime, there was absolutely no way that Super Nanny methods of leaving her to cry would work, and sitting with her while she went to sleep was the only way for a little while.

Of course it's not a myth. However, there is definitely a hard core of babies who find it very difficult or perhaps impossible.

Intervention studies in which parents have been taught how to do sleep shaping and sleep training generally show that a) the great majority of babies do in fact respond to these b) there is a small minority who don't respond no matter what you do!

I think when they’re young babies it’s just not a thing, they naturally want to feel comforted and secure. Beyond that it’s dependent on their personality. I have four DC, the boys were good at ‘self soothing’ but the girls not so much.

They don’t self soothe, they give up hoping they’ll get a love.

Not if you’re still counting their age in weeks is my experience.

A complete myth. Neither DS or DD slept unless I was in the room with them at first.

Yep in your experience, but not across the board. Not a complete myth. RTFT.

And again

thehop RTFT

My daughter self-soothed (sucking left thumb and tugging right ear - v specific!) from around 5 months. She was a limpet baby until suddenly she wasn’t, as she seemingly decided one night she would only fall asleep by herself. Pity she had no way of communicating that to us, given we spent time doing “kind” sleep training by cuddling up with her, stroking her, shushing her, patting her - she bloody hated it and we were bemused!! In desperation, we put her in her cot and left the room, and she soothes herself to sleep in five mins. Rascal!

This is exhausting

@outpinked
I think when they’re young babies it’s just not a thing, they naturally want to feel comforted and secure. Beyond that it’s dependent on their personality.

If you read the thread you will see anecdotal evidence of every eventuality. This was your experience.

My experience was my 6 week old baby who didn't actually want to be comforted and secure, he knew he was secure and comforted, he had his milk then went to bed, and slept through the night. DS2 was a completely different matter and needed soothing and didnt sleep well.

So not all small babies need soothing.

incidentally before i am accused of all sorts - DS2 also knew he was secure and comforted, he just enjoyed the comfort bit a bit more than DS1

I always put my dc down awake, but like a pp they had dummies. They all have totally different personalities and needed different amounts of sleep, but all of them were happy and secure going to sleep by themselves once they had their dummy. There were nights when things went a bit pear shaped, teething, snuffly colds etc but generally they went down easily, and were never left to cry it out.

Absolutely depends on the baby. My second baby would cry and fuss if we tried to rock her to sleep, rarely snoozed in the pram, and had stopped falling asleep on the boob by around 6 weeks. The only thing we could do was put her down with a dummy and leave her to it. It was a bit of a shock but we went with it - at 17 months now she has her bedtime milk in my lap then immediately reaches for her cot. I actually prefer the rare nights she calls me back for a bit of a cuddle! My first was also a good sleeper who learned to settle by herself with just a bit of encouragement. Pure luck I'm sure, but we also did all the boring things around routine.

“When you get a child that won't sleep unless they're given this or that, or being held or rocked; this is meeting the child's wants. I can promise you no child needs these to sleep, its just often easier to give in.”

Ah yes, the lazy parents insinuation, always a delight

Funny, isn’t it that baby humans are the only mammals that are expected to sleep alone...

Oh, and I am an out and proud lazy parent. If there’s an easy way i’ll take it

I should have sternly told my hours-old baby that he had had all his needs met so what on earth was his problem with being in the cot? You want your mother to hold you?! That is a WANT not a NEED!

I've always seen self-soothing as the sort of thing that happens when you internalise the love and affection you've received so that you no longer require it all the time because it's always inside of you - hope that makes sense. But some babies need far more soothing from a parent before they have the ability to self-soothe, whereas others need less. It's like that transition from "Mum [or other caregiver] loves me" to "I am loved / I am loveable", or a transition to learning that it's safe to fall asleep, the world is a safe place where I am loved and taken care of.
I would say it can't be a myth because all of us as adults self-soothe to go to sleep! at least that's the way I see it. Although this is not always straightforward of course - adults can struggle to fall asleep can't they.
Anyway - my DD - the sort of baby who wanted to be carried all the time - learned to self-soothe (with no controlled crying by the way) and has grown into a secure 7 yo who still likes lots of cuddles. We did try to co-sleep with her actually, but it didn't help her sleep. She slept in our room, then in the room next door and we'd always go to her if she needed us.
My DS did not want to be held when he was trying to fall asleep and he did not want to co-sleep. He'd cry when he was tired and immediately become peaceful when you put him down in his cot, when he'd go to sleep!
I don't really like it when people think parents are terrible for not co-sleeping, as though that somehow makes them cold and uncaring. What a horrible assumption to make. But then this type of thing is such a heated debate I guess because it matters so much that babies are well loved.

I’ve always understood how different babies can be. It’s when people extrapolate their own experience to all babies (and thereby imply that other parents must be lying/stupid if their babies don’t behave in the same way) that conflict arises

Mine is weird, there’s zero chance of him self soothing in the day for a nap but he always will at night in his cot unless he’s hungry

My 4 month old is exactly the same! During the day needs rocking/cuddling to sleep, sometimes for ages, or has to be in the pram. At night I just pop him in his crib awake, he has a bit of a fidget then falls asleep within a few minutes

Babies don't distinguish between needs and wants. That is just Gina F_ bolleaux.

I think distinguishing between needs and wants is our job, right till they grow up.

I think distinguishing between needs and wants is not something you can do with a tiny baby. The point at which you can is probably different for each baby, but I suspect is going to be a point of conflict if you try to extrapolate your own baby’s behaviour to other babies