AIBU to think self soothing is a myth?!

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Can babies actually self soothe? Mine won't go to sleep without a lot of help (pram, boob, rocking etc - often all of these!)...

Do babies ever learn to self soothe? How?! When?!

tortoise

I can’t see a single poster here advocating for leaving a baby to cry it out so they learn to self settle
Everyone is saying it seems to be something they are born with or aren’t

And the post is about whether it’s a myth or not, not about sleep training

I was really lucky that DS self settled very early but I’m aware it was nothing to do with me
He was also never left to cry for more than a minute or two

I don't think mine learnt to self soothe as such, but he did learn to go to sleep.
So when he goes into his cot, he's awake. And he crawls around a bit, and circles and tucks himself into a corner. He strokes the mattress a bit, and plays with his hair (perhaps this is self soothing?) He does what we do I guess - tosses and turns a bit, gets comfortable, and then sleeps.

Mine just went to bed !
No jiggling,rocking or patting .
Have you tried trying to get to sleep while someone jiggles you about not a euphemism
Its madness !

My oldest was useless at this until we worked out that she needed a dark, quiet room with no stimulation in order to drop off.

My youngest could self-soothe from birth. Bascially I just put down and he went to sleep. I did swaddle him though, and he had a dummy. He's 5 now and has always been an amazing sleeper. I know it's nothing I did as my DD was very different. He just came out that way.

Yep exactly. They do it when they’re ready. There’s no magic bullet. You can’t put a timescale on it or say it happens at This Age. You can’t force them to do it. People who say you can teach them to self settle are really talking about just letting them be distressed.

Mine has self soothed from the beginning but TBF, he was a NICU preemie and was used to being in his cot all the time, long before he could effectively cry.

So when he came home I continued putting him straight in there with no soothing from me and he's always gone straight off to sleep, no problems. He currently wakes at 5am but doesn't cry, just baby chats to himself until he falls back asleep.

The one silver lining from the NICU stage.

My eldest did from a very young age, like another poster's baby she hated being cuddled and it was quite a revelation when I realised this. She sucked her thumb from a very young age (spat the dummy out) and also had a comforter (muslin) She slept well - we used to joke that she would sleep on a washing line.

Then I had my youngest, I can say with 100% certainty that they are all different.

My son has always self settled. It wasn't intentional, I just didn't know any different and he's just got on with it.

I do not leave him to cry alone, though. They are two completely different things. He very rarely cries when he's been put to bed so if he does, I know he needs me.

DD did. I was very frustrated when she was llittle as she was always crying and fussing. My Hv said she might not like to be fussed over when she was trying to sleep, to stop rocking and shushing and put her down for a couple of minutes without touching her. Hey presto she moaned for about 30 seconds then was asleep. Turns out she just hated being fussed when she was tired and was happier sleeping alone from just a few weeks old. It was incredible- even now at 6 she loves a cuddle in the day but never wants anyone around while she falls asleep and
Never wants to get in our bed.
DS was the opposite! Had to rock him to sleep for 8 months and at 4 he still loves to sneak into our bed for a cuddle. They're all different.

"Imo “self soothing” is really just teaching a child there’s no point crying because nobody will come"

What utter BS! I got my two in the habit from birth, put them down awake but tired and they would drift off on their own. Much easier coz of how much they sleep from being newborn. My first used his bib (I left it on once and he used to rub it on his face.) my second used a muslin.

Can be done with no crying, you just have to start early from my own experience

Lucky you. But they did it by themselves. You didn’t make them. Some kids scream if you put them down ”tired but awake” and there’s nothing you can do about it.

“Have you tried trying to get to sleep while someone jiggles you about not a euphemism
Its madness !”

Babies and adults not exactly the same. Babies have been jiggled about for nine months in the womb, some find it soothing

“I got my two in the habit from birth, put them down awake but tired and they would drift off on their own. Much easier coz of how much they sleep from being newborn. ”

That sounds great for you. Doesn’t remotely describe how my son was as a newborn. Isn’t it funny how different babies are

Some babies will soothe themselves - my cousin, for example, rarely cried when he was a baby. Even when he woke up, he would just lie in his cot and sing to himself. (Seriously. My aunt had to go in there when she expected him to wake up to see if he was actually awake, because she wouldn't hear him.)

The research is now showing that allowing a baby to cry themselves to sleep can actually cause brain problems. Babies are programmed to engage with their parents. The idea is that the baby or child offers a cue to the parent. This is called a "serve". The parent offers a response to the cue, called a "return". "Serve and return" interactions actually build brain structures. Lack of serve and return interactions can lead to toxic stress and this can damage the brain.

“I got my two in the habit from birth, put them down awake but tired and they would drift off on their own. Much easier coz of how much they sleep from being newborn.”

My dcs did not do that until they were at least 2. My ds wanted me to lie with him in bed until he fell asleep until he was 5. They sleep for England now. It took them that long.

When my first born dd was a newborn, she had a spend a little time in SCBU. The doctor came round when I was carrying her and asked me to put her down on the bed so she could examine dd. I was reluctant but did it. Dd screamed her head off the minute she was put down on the bed on her back. The doctor was so startled she asked whether there was anything wrong with dd. I was confused - I thought that was how all babies behaved!

Her thats why I used a sling ,gentle movements.
Im talking about hours of jiggling when the baby wants to be put down.
The parents think they have to do something,it doesnt occur to them to just put the baby down and leave them to settle.

Mine would literally go apeshit whenever I had to put her down, even if I was still in the room

Imo “self soothing” is really just teaching a child there’s no point crying because nobody will come.

That's not true. The reason young children use dummies, suck their thumbs, cuddle soft toys etc. is that they are self soothing as they learn how to sleep independently.

OP it's not a myth, one of my DCs has always slept easily with little need for intervention from me, while the other has always been a crap sleeper and will fight sleep like her life depends on it.

Definitely not a myth. Both DDs self settled from birth. One with a dummy, one without. Maybe we've just been lucky but we were very careful not to start anything that we didn't want to get stuck with, e.g. letting them sleep on us, they were ALWAYS put in crib. Both slept right through from 10 weeks.
They were/are dreadful eaters though!

I should add, we've NEVER left them to cry. Neither actually cried very much and were/are both easy to read.

I know my dd wouldn't when she was v little e.g. days/weeks old and needed to be on me all the time but I think when she turned 6 months and we could move her to her own room and we were into an established daytime/night time naptime/bedtime routine of bath, stories, cuddles, put her down type thing THEN she was happy to lie there until she drifted off to sleep. It seems such a long time ago, I can hardly remember tbh. There was usually a bit of patting while she was in her cot and she had discovered her thumb, which she always sucked when tired.

Like a PP said I guess there's no magic age.

Quite unintentionally I found that DS2 self-soothed.

He was tiny, fed and in his crib awake. I was seeing to DS1, went back to settle DS2 and bugger me he'd gone to sleep!

NEVER had that with DS1. I called my sis I was in so much shock! She was like "yeah...all mine did that".

Mix of nature and nurture I reckon, as I'd probably not left DS1 in the same situation.

My daughter used to rock herself to sleep. He twin brother didn't. When she got older the whole cot would rock and creek quite loudly. We lived in a flat. I am sure the neighbours thought we were having sex 4 times a night. Not the reason I was looked permanently exhausted.