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Original poster

AIBU to think self soothing is a myth?!

182 replies

nonamesareavailable · 13/02/2019 20:56

Can babies actually self soothe? Mine won't go to sleep without a lot of help (pram, boob, rocking etc - often all of these!)...

Do babies ever learn to self soothe? How?! When?!

OP posts:
HerSymphonyAndSong · 14/02/2019 14:50

And we’re obviously not talking about daft stuff like “I want to climb up the stairs” here

blueshoes · 14/02/2019 14:54

Yes, I am referring to little babies, not teenagers who want the latest gear.

BertrandRussell · 14/02/2019 14:57

Babies have no wants that aren’t also needs.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 14/02/2019 15:05

Yes they can. It's not about leaving them to scream, it's putting them down while they're awake but close to sleep and letting them ease themselves to sleep without the need for being rocked or fed to sleep.

I've found this is easier if they are given awake time in their Moses basket from a young age, plenty of cuddles obviously but not all day long. My third and fourth children were able to self soothe as I was often busy with my older kids.

Auntiepatricia · 14/02/2019 15:06

I disagree. Baby wants to play, they don’t need to play at 3am. They want that chocolate biscuit in your havd, that’s not a need. I see wants vs needs coming out when babies get more conscious and aware of the world around about 6-7 months. Maybe people treat babies as newborns with no thought processes for too long.....

HerSymphonyAndSong · 14/02/2019 15:19

I don’t think “I want to play at 3am” and “I want a biscuit” are remotely similar to “I want a parent nearby as I fall asleep”.

Anyway, you say 6-7mo, someone else was talking about a newborn, so clearly there is some dispute here

HerSymphonyAndSong · 14/02/2019 15:21

I totally believe people who say that their babies needed their own space to fall asleep. No idea why some of them won’t believe me when I say mine needed the opposite, and over time this is reducing as you might expect

Mmmhmmm · 14/02/2019 15:23

I think some babies can just go to sleep without help and some can't, maybe it's a temperament thing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bear2014 · 14/02/2019 15:49

My DD self settled from about 5 months, ie happily went in cot awake without having to be fed to sleep. She was and still is a die hard thumb sucker so that helped a lot. DS is 18 months, he still protests heavily if not fed to sleep but I'm losing patience a bit now so sometimes he has to grumble. He doesn't suck his thumb and we never had success with a dummy. Makes car journeys pretty whingey too!

blueshoes · 14/02/2019 16:23

I do think it is a temperament thing if a baby cannot self settle to sleep. It is not possible to change a child's temperament. I don't think it is wise or advisable to even try.

I can see why my dd found it difficult to settle as a baby. Even now at 15, she is not the most emotionally organised or settled can kick off and find it difficult to calm down or self-regulate. If as a little baby, she needed her parents to help her to settle, well, that is what we are there for.

My son 12 was also difficult to settle as a baby. His temperament is different to dd. He was likely to tantrum due to strong emotions but also then cool down by himself after he has blown himself out. As he got older, he learnt not to blow up in the first place. He needed me to help him to sleep for far longer, until he was 5.

They both now sleep like logs and lie in.

Perhaps I could have tried to sleep train them. I was desperate at many points. My babies are different. I find it laughable when health visitors and other parents seem to think they got it cracked with their babies by using different techniques on what I note are mild protests to begin with at best. My babies had a mind of their own and I know them best.

ThursdayLastWeek · 14/02/2019 16:34

It’s absolutely a personality thing for the baby/toddler.

My eldest sucked his thumb from an early age, my youngest (eventually) learned to soothe himself by head butting the mattress. (Honestly, it’s so weird - a real sight to behold.)

But y'know what? It’s ok not to want to be the prop every damn day. Every damn nap. That’s a personality thing too.

bruffin · 14/02/2019 16:39

I totally believe people who say that their babies needed their own space to fall asleep
Dd did, she would fidget and grumble until you put her in her cot. As she got older she made a noise like "uhuh" which meant I'm ready for bed now. Both dcs slept through from 3 months, both in our room at the time think they just woke heard us breathing and went back to sleep.

Chwaraeteg · 14/02/2019 16:43

They do when they are ready to but I don't thi k you can force ot to that point. My first couldn't self soothe / get herself to sleep without boobs until just before she was 2. My second started self soothing / going to sleep without feeding / rocking / Patting around 6 months.

The second was always better at going to sleep alone mind you, from day one she seemed to prefer her own space (baby 1 slept On me for the first 9 months) and slept through at 5 weeks Confused I aint complaining!

irregularegular · 14/02/2019 17:05

Totally depends on baby. DD had trouble getting and staying asleep for years. DS could be popped in a cot and left by himself to go quietly to sleep from the first night home from hospital at a few days old. And pretty much every night since. I couldn't believe it!!!!

(he didn't sleep through obviously, but he went to sleep no problem)

Anon10 · 14/02/2019 20:00

Is this real? Do some babies actually put themselves to sleep? Or do you mean sleep training in some form? Like shushing and patting etc? I knew some babies were easier than mine! Grin

I have never done any sleep training and both mine have needed to be held and cuddled to sleep with white noise etc etc. In all honesty, I actually like it as it’s the only time in the day they stop being boisterous and I can just enjoy cuddling them! But it’s definitely harder work and more time consuming. Eldest is 3 and we settle him in the night.

Weirdly enough they would sleep in the buggy without any input though. Well maybe a tiny bit of jiggling.

Oly4 · 14/02/2019 21:08

I think it’s a myth...
I’ve never left mine to cry because I think it’s wrong. Three babies.. all have needed some help getting to sleep (and back to sleep in the night) until they were almost 2!

2birds1stone · 14/02/2019 21:14

I would put mine down awake from about 10 months. I would sit on the floor and then get up and lie them down. Eventually she would just lie herself down and go to sleep.

I would never leave her to simply cry. Even now if she gets out of bed after being tucked up I give it 5 minutes and go back in. She isn't crying but I can hear she is awake. That way she knows I will come back but also gets herself back into bed to go to sleep....

If she wakes up often will go back to sleep with no fuss.

I call that self soothing

Ohnonotuagain · 14/02/2019 21:15

My son has self settled from 9 months old, he gets put in bed awake and falls asleep on his own with no fuss, if he wakes in the night he just shifts position and goes back to sleep again BUT I do think we are lucky in that he does this and it's not every baby that can or ever will.

Dothehappydance · 14/02/2019 21:41

I think it’s a myth...
I’ve never left mine to cry because I think it’s wrong. Three babies.. all have needed some help getting to sleep (and back to sleep in the night) until they were almost 2!

My eldest was not left to cry either, but she put herself to sleep from a few weeks old. My eldest needed help until 4.5.

They are all different. But just because yours all needed help doesn't mean my did or that they were left to cry.

3in4years · 14/02/2019 21:43

I have to be with each of mine for them to sleep.
5 year old still sucks his thumb but likes me near.
3 year old struggles to switch off unless she's been really active all day.
1 year old sucks a piece of fabric - but prefers it to be my jumper while I'm wearing it!

Chocwocdoodah · 15/02/2019 00:27

As I’m sure others have said, if you feed/rock/lay with your baby until they’re asleep, then they’ll very likely need you to do that every time AND to get back to sleep if they rouse.

And no, you don’t have to leave them to cry to break the cycle.

happymummy12345 · 15/02/2019 02:49

My son self settled from birth. I always allowed 10 minutes for him to settle himself to sleep. He usually did, nothing else needed at all.

Anon10 · 15/02/2019 08:26

So they were left to grizzle / whinge? Or literally they just silently drifted off to sleep? Really not sure I believe that.

Anon10 · 15/02/2019 08:34

Also what’s wrong with lying with your baby or rocking it to sleep? They need that closeness to form a secure attachment to their caregiver. It makes them feel secure. I don’t quite understand why people expect tiny dependent humans to be so self sufficient so early on. They will separate from you soon enough. I work almost full time in a high pressure job, but I’m still happy to lie with them at the end of the day, plus it helps us reconnect when we’ve been apart. I chose to have them, it’s my responsibility to meet their needs. Why lie them in a cot alone to “self settle”? Human babies aren’t designed to be alone.

SnuggyBuggy · 15/02/2019 08:43

If you've got one that screams when out down to sleep you don't get the option to teach them to self settle without tears

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