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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to force my DH to have baby no. 2 now, rather than wait a year?

104 replies

Needallthesleep · 13/02/2019 13:20

Trying to keep this short and to the point...

I have a 13 month old, both myself and my DH have agreed that we would like another baby.

My current workplace has fantastic mat leave benefits. However I’m hating my current role with a passion. I’m trying to leave, have had about 20 interviews over the past six months, but never get an offer. It’s soul destroying being constantly rejected and is starting to affect my mental health.

I would like to start trying for another baby now to take advantage of the maternity package where I currently am. I will admit it would partly be a way to get away from my current work. Then when I come back I can start to interview again.

My husband wants to wait until our DD is two before we try again. But that means me continuing down the soul destroying new job hunt, plus if I did get a new job obviously expecting a worse maternity package.

WIBU to force it and say we need to start trying for another baby now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Needallthesleep · 13/02/2019 16:22

For info, my DH doesn’t want to over stretch us having two very young children. Which I totally understand. But neither of us want a big age gap.

The maternity package would be worth about £50k vs. What I would get with statutory (what I expect I would get as I wouldn’t have been in a job long enough to qualify for any enhanced package).

OP posts:
blueshoes · 13/02/2019 16:31

£50K? Sounds like a no-brainer to have the baby now. Have you explained that to your dh?

Lweji · 13/02/2019 16:38

It depends on the job.

In my previous job I only had to effectively be working there for three months or so before getting pregnant to qualify for full maternity benefits.

Still, I do think you should look at addressing your current job and role, rather than banking on getting pregnant to get out of it on maternity leave.

LuckyLou7 · 13/02/2019 16:43

You might not conceive straightaway, you may end up with the age gap your DH wants anyway.

For me, there would be no contest, not with the maternity benefits you currently get.

I had my DC close together, but it was a joint decision with DH - if he had been against it for whatever reason, we would have talked it through.

anniehm · 13/02/2019 16:46

You just need to explain your reasonings and see what he thinks. We decided a small gap was best for work and cohesion but you can't force it

SleepingStandingUp · 13/02/2019 16:47

I suppose the concern is, if you wait and get a new job just before he decides he's ready, will he then want to hold on because your maternity package will be too little?

How do you intend to force him?

hastingsmua1 · 13/02/2019 16:54

Imagine bringing a child into this world just to avoid working!

If you’ve been rejected after interviews 20 times, the problem is YOU, darling

Sleeplikeasloth · 13/02/2019 17:02

If you’ve been rejected after interviews 20 times, the problem is YOU, darling

How rude.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2019 17:06

I'd say the maternity package would make it worthwhile, but the fact remains that if a couple disagrees about having a child, the 'no' wins.

How does he think two young children will 'tax' you exactly? Finances? Time? Mine are 5 years apart and when talking to some who had 2 close together we decided it was the same amount of effort, just different things that kept us busy.

We did decide that having the older child sleeping reliably through the night before the other is born is a big help, as well as the elder being potty-trained.

Original poster
Needallthesleep · 13/02/2019 17:14

@hastingsmua1

We don’t plan on bringing a child into the world to avoid working. I work full time now, I plan on going back full time. We want to be parents to a second because we adore the first and want to be a family of four.

Yes the problem is me. I’m really struggling in interviews with nerves. I have just been rejected for a role that is more junior to what I currently do because (and the feedback was) I was too nervous. I’m working on it. Slowly.

OP posts:
paintinmyhairAgain · 13/02/2019 17:22

not sure i'd want to stay with someone if they were pushing this idea on me to have a child i didn't want for any reason .you sound selfish tbh

howabout · 13/02/2019 17:22

Sounds like you have been job hunting almost from the point you came back to work after having DD1. No wonder you hate your job and are nervous at interview. It surely takes time to settle back in after mat leave and also to adjust with leaving baby at home and still being sleepless etc.

Whatever you decide re baby 2 I would lay off the job hunting for a while and work at making the job more bearable. I wouldn't have managed 20 interviews in 6 months plus my job even before I had DC. Staying put also neutralises the debate around timing somewhat.

youknowmedontyou · 13/02/2019 17:23

If you’ve been rejected after interviews 20 times, the problem is YOU, darling

Wow!

Original poster
Needallthesleep · 13/02/2019 17:35

Not sure how I managed 20 interviews either! It’s stressful. The baby luckily is a sleeper, thank goodness.

I could stay for the year but it’s making me so so miserable.

And it definitely is selfish of me to the pp who said I was being selfish. It does make sense from a family financial point of view though.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 13/02/2019 17:43

So how do you intend to force the issue OP?

Lweji · 13/02/2019 17:55

Erm... the OP wasn't rejected, unless there were no other candidates. She wasn't chosen, which is different.

Maybe if you are less, lets say, desperate to move jobs, you might find the interviews easier. Does the job involve contact with the public or situations similar to the interviews?

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 18:04

What's changed though op? This isn't a new job, did you hate it before your last mat leave or just since comping back?

And if you plan to go back full time, how will you do this to a job you hate with two very young kids? Do you intend to resign?

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 13/02/2019 18:22

@hastingsmua1

If you’ve been rejected after interviews 20 times, the problem is YOU, darling!

Wow, you win the thread prize for the most condescending, patronising, ugly, demeaning, sarcastic, catty remark of the day!

WELL DONE..

Have a medal! 🏅

youknowmedontyou · 13/02/2019 18:36

@Needallthesleep I think it makes perfect sense to have another child now, financial pressure can be a nightmare and SMP is pants. If you don't do it now, you'll need to wait years before you get decent maternity pay!

I've got a 20 month gap, first one was a good sleeper, both were in nappies.... we loved it!

Original poster
Needallthesleep · 13/02/2019 19:07

@youknowmedontyou thank you :)

OP posts:
dragonsfire · 13/02/2019 19:20

I think a sensible chat regarding the maternity pay and what a new job circumstance is what’s needed. Your DH may not realise the big change if you change jobs.

Regarding job interviews- other comment is super harsh but maybe look at your interview skills (can get tips from recruiters) or are you panic applying for jobs?

Do you ever get feedback as to why you were not successful?

It’s really important not to panic apply as you could end up more miserable (I was made redundant last year and took first job offered and it was horrendous) now I have a great job but meant I changed jobs under a year.

Maybe change your focus as to what you really want to do, apply to just those types of jobs and when get interview you may find you come across better, as will be genuinely enthusiastic about the position.

Right now your miserable and probably not putting your best self forward.

You can’t do any of that until you have a proper talk with your husband as the big maternity payout is probably playing on your mind to.

Good luck

hastingsmua1 · 13/02/2019 19:33

@redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 thank you ❤️

My point was that the candidate should focus on adjusting their interview techniques as their current method clearly aren’t impressing employers. It’s easier to get a new job once you’re already in one and have a recent career history etc, so something is clearly going wrong. The answer to that isn’t to ‘force’ your husband to have another child.

youknowmedontyou · 13/02/2019 19:41

@Needallthesleep although there is something so funny about changing a great "brute" of a 20 month old baby nappy and then going to a newborn little spindly thing! Our eldest would co me lie by his little brother and mimic him kicking his legs to get his nappy changed.

Christmas was wonderful when they were older but so close in age!

Good luck with the convo! Hopefully he sees the rationale!

youknowmedontyou · 13/02/2019 19:45

My point was that the candidate should focus on adjusting their interview techniques as their current method clearly aren’t impressing employers. It’s easier to get a new job once you’re already in one and have a recent career history etc, so something is clearly going wrong. The answer to that isn’t to ‘force’ your husband to have another child.

Shame you didn't say that but just came out with such a snarky vile demeaning comment, darling!

CandyFlossLegend · 13/02/2019 19:46

50K? Shock

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