Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to force my DH to have baby no. 2 now, rather than wait a year?

104 replies

Needallthesleep · 13/02/2019 13:20

Trying to keep this short and to the point...

I have a 13 month old, both myself and my DH have agreed that we would like another baby.

My current workplace has fantastic mat leave benefits. However I’m hating my current role with a passion. I’m trying to leave, have had about 20 interviews over the past six months, but never get an offer. It’s soul destroying being constantly rejected and is starting to affect my mental health.

I would like to start trying for another baby now to take advantage of the maternity package where I currently am. I will admit it would partly be a way to get away from my current work. Then when I come back I can start to interview again.

My husband wants to wait until our DD is two before we try again. But that means me continuing down the soul destroying new job hunt, plus if I did get a new job obviously expecting a worse maternity package.

WIBU to force it and say we need to start trying for another baby now?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 13/02/2019 14:16

Check the clawback policy on your ML. Some companies stipulate a minimum period you have to return for..... So this fabulous maternity package could mean you are committed to another year.

Also check the other fine print. I'm sure some companies offer just SMP of you need to go on ML again, without working a minimum amount of time as well.

RomanyQueen1 · 13/02/2019 14:17

It doesn't matter what reason, you can't make somebody want to be a parent.

Vixxxy · 13/02/2019 14:18

Of course this would be unreasonable.

Bluerussian · 13/02/2019 14:19

Your husband is right to wait at least a year, What's the rush?

ShartGoblin · 13/02/2019 14:19

My husband wants to wait until our DD is two before we try again

The important question here is why does he want to wait? Is it because he's not ready or because he feels that 2 years is the right age gap. If he's not ready then you would be very unreasonable to PRESS the issue but if he is ready and just wants the right gap then you wouldn't be unreasonable at all and he'd probably agree with you if you had a proper talk about it.

VladmirsPoutine · 13/02/2019 14:19

Have some people's brains turned to soup - the reason doesn't need to be aired on Mumsnet but in a marriage you'd think a wife and her husband could have a frank discussion about the reasons behind any decision - especially one with life changing consequences. Whatever the reason may not be here nor there but it's still the first port of call in a healthy marriage.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 14:23

How is he doing that

Apparently by not trying for a baby a year before he is ready, he is forcing her to work in a job she doesn't like.

I'm sure she'd have a baby well before she was ready so he wouldn't have to work and could claim his paternity leave if the situation was reversed and he hated his job. I mean who wouldn't do that for their partner.

He's clearly a proper selfish fucker 🤣

Luxembourgmama · 13/02/2019 14:26

Depends what you mean by force. Nag him incessantly yes why not. Lie about contraception no way if you want your marraige to survive.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/02/2019 14:27

How goods the maternity package? Obviously you cant "force" him but you could try and persuade him with the mat cover.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/02/2019 14:30

Well force is a strong word.

YWBU to sit down with the information about your maternity package, plus the fact that your job is killing you (which presumably he knows) and how it would work out better to have a baby now. Push the fact that if you start a new job it would be a really bad idea to have a baby within the first couple of years, as you dont have any job security until 2 years service and you dont want to risk being "let go" with no comeback.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/02/2019 14:31

Sorry.....YWNBU to sit down....

BrendasUmbrella · 13/02/2019 14:31

Well, have you actually had the conversation yet, with your reasons? He might agree with you.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 13/02/2019 14:36

You can't force him but I would try and persuade him.

Don't risk starting a new job already pregnant though...you'd be entitled to nothing (apart from a minuscule amount of maternity allowance).

Lweji · 13/02/2019 14:46

As others said, you need to have a proper conversation with him, listing all your options and what you are prepared to do regarding your job.

Another thing to keep in mind is that "trying" could be one month or years. You might end up staying at your job for a lot longer than you expect, even if he agreed to try for a baby now.

So, I do think you need a better plan (or at least a back up plan) regarding your job other than having another baby.

sofato5miles · 13/02/2019 14:47

Two children closer together is easier to manage..

Sukochicha · 13/02/2019 14:51

Just stay in your current work. Chill out. Let the stress and politics wash over you.

Try for another baby when both of you are ready. Then take your nice ML benefits. Then on your return look for a new job.

M3lon · 13/02/2019 14:52

YABU. Hating your job isn't a good reason to have plan having a baby.

IAmWonderWoman · 13/02/2019 14:56

Do you get any feedback about your interviews?

whereisthepostman · 13/02/2019 14:56

YABU. What are you going to do when maternity leave is up? Do you think life will be any less stressful with 2 children under 3 and two sets of childcare to pay for, a husband who resents you AND a job you hate?

Maryann1975 · 13/02/2019 15:02

Op, I think you have worded your title badly, but I don’t think yabu. You have decided to have another baby and he has agreed to this. However, you are unhappy at work and want to leave that position, but know that if you move somewhere else the maternity package will be poorer. I think it makes sense to bring forward the baby plans and start trying now. Why would you wait until you have a potentially rubbish maternity package to access it?

And it’s not always about ‘dh making you go to work’. It’s about knowing you have to work to make ends meet and as you have a job, you have to do it as the other option is to fail to pay the mortgage next month. We don’t all have rich husbands who can afford to pay for everything and sometimes we just have to suck up the circumstances we are in at the time.

Original poster
Needallthesleep · 13/02/2019 15:04

Ok ‘force’ definitely the wrong word.

I mean try and persuade him. Knowing that it isn’t really what he wants at the moment.

OP posts:
snowie01 · 13/02/2019 15:05

You can tell him what you've just said here and ask what he thinks? He can either say yes or no

Lweji · 13/02/2019 15:05

Are you even sure he wants another child?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2019 15:13

No, it's not wrong to use logic and facts to try to persuade him to the idea. It's wrong to 'nag' or use emotional blackmail. Also very wrong to 'trick' someone into a child.

What is his main objection to having them less than 3 (give or take a few months) years apart?

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 15:30

It will be good if the OP could come back and explain why her dh has settled on that age gap.

Whilst you should never force a person to have a baby nor should you steal his sperm, if my spouse (whose body is the one whose bears the brunt of pregnancy) wants to have the children closer in age and is hating her job, I'd think it is pretty compelling reason to have another baby sooner so that she can take advantage of the maternity package at her current employer.

If money is an issue, it will be an even bigger issue if the OP quits or finds another job that does not have the same enhanced maternity benefits that vest in the near future.