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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to force my DH to have baby no. 2 now, rather than wait a year?

104 replies

Needallthesleep · 13/02/2019 13:20

Trying to keep this short and to the point...

I have a 13 month old, both myself and my DH have agreed that we would like another baby.

My current workplace has fantastic mat leave benefits. However I’m hating my current role with a passion. I’m trying to leave, have had about 20 interviews over the past six months, but never get an offer. It’s soul destroying being constantly rejected and is starting to affect my mental health.

I would like to start trying for another baby now to take advantage of the maternity package where I currently am. I will admit it would partly be a way to get away from my current work. Then when I come back I can start to interview again.

My husband wants to wait until our DD is two before we try again. But that means me continuing down the soul destroying new job hunt, plus if I did get a new job obviously expecting a worse maternity package.

WIBU to force it and say we need to start trying for another baby now?

OP posts:
alreadytaken · 13/02/2019 13:50

Of course it would be unreasonable to force it.

You are adults, have an adult discussion about the advantages of having two close together and getting the sleepless nights and the hit to your career over now. Ask him why he wants to wait. Consider that when they are older you may have 2 doing important exams at once and be trying to support 2 at university and find two house deposits.

Why do you hate your current role and is there any opportunity to change role where you are?

NoSquirrels · 13/02/2019 13:51

I think you are getting a kicking for the choice of the word "force".

Of course "forcing" someone to have a child is totally unreasonable!

If what you meant to say was "persuade", then no, not unreasonable.

What are your DH's objections to trying now? Financial, emotional, practical?

Whistle73 · 13/02/2019 13:52

Why does it always have to be so black and white? Can't you compromise?

You want to try now, he wants to wait 11 months.

How about you wait four or five months knowing you probably won't get pg straight away?

If your current company has a great maternity package you'd be daft to move anywhere just yet.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 13/02/2019 13:52

YABU. And I can't think of a single place that will pay you your salary for mat leave and not expect you to come back for a certain length of time of you have to repay the money.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 13:52

But it’s ok for him to force her to stay in a job she hates?

Ah, thr good old she's a woman, so he should earn enough and be totally willing to pay for her, why should she work at a job she doesn't like. If she is, it's not because she has financial responsibilities, it's because he is forcing her.

Was just waiting for it.

The 1950s called, they are wondering how you escaped.

LilaJude · 13/02/2019 13:52

You can’t force anyone to want a baby. You can make your case but if he doesn’t want to you have to accept it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2019 13:56

Discuss all of the facts and benefits of falling pregnant now, us go for it, not force.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2019 13:56

Us = yes

Bluelady · 13/02/2019 13:56

Only on MN would you have someone projecting forward to university fees and house deposits. Who knows what the world will look like in 18 or 20 years?

Lifecraft · 13/02/2019 13:58

But it’s ok for him to force her to stay in a job she hates?

I've read and re-read the OP's post, and I can't see where she has said he is doing that.

She actually says not having a baby will mean staying in the job she hates or looking for a new one. Nowhere does it say "II want to leave my job but my husband is forcing me to stay, tying me up every morning and bundling me into the car, and then throwing me out onto the steps on my workplace."

FFS!!!!

Yabbers · 13/02/2019 13:58

@Bluntness

ODFOD. Nothing to do with him financially supporting her not to work. It’s a simple logistical issue and would be the same if the shoe was on the other foot and he hated his job but it had better paternity leave.

nanbread · 13/02/2019 13:59

I did what you did (stuck out a job for mat benefits) - big mistake. It cost my mental health big time, the stress was too much. And I almost had to go back after mat leave too as couldn't find anything else!

Much better to get out ASAP, forefeit the benefits for happiness at work IMO and not force the issue with your DH.

It will be harder trying to find a new job with two young children at home anyway.

StormTreader · 13/02/2019 13:59

Have you said to him everything you've said here?

babysharkah · 13/02/2019 13:59

Of course you would BU.

Turn it around, there would be outcry.

Snowflakes1122 · 13/02/2019 14:00

Even your headline reads you are BU.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 13/02/2019 14:01

I don't see what difference it makes trying for a baby half a year sooner. I mean, your DH does WANT another baby.

However, I do find it a bit weird that you are wanting a second child to get out of going to work. Confused

IAmWonderWoman · 13/02/2019 14:01

But it’s ok for him to force her to stay in a job she hates?

How is he doing that? She’s job hunting, it’s not her DH’s fault it’s not successful so far.

Yabbers · 13/02/2019 14:03

I've read and re-read the OP's post, and I can't see where she has said he is doing that.

Circumstances. Taking mat leave whilst you are in a company with decent provision makes sense. Leaving you with the choice of staying for an extra year, or moving to a better job with poorer provision because of some arbitrary “wait til they’re 2” is a shitty position for the OP to be in and isn’t really a real choice.

Racecardriver · 13/02/2019 14:04

You can be seriously considering having a baby to get out of going to work. You can’t use children like that. If you hate the job so much then quit rather than forcing your husband to agree to a baby he’s not ready for.

VladmirsPoutine · 13/02/2019 14:07

What are his particular objections? You wouldn't be unreasonable to try and convince him but I think you're getting a kicking for very poor choice of words. I'm just going to assume you meant you want to try and strongly convince him - not literally force him into it as that would of course be unreasonable.

IAmWonderWoman · 13/02/2019 14:08

There could be a 100 reasons why the DH doesn’t want another baby yet, it doesn’t really matter what they are. Maybe it’s financial, maybe he doesn’t want to go back to the baby stage again so quickly, maybe he enjoys spending his time with his one child, maybe he’s just not ready yet, does it really matter?

And what if after Mat leave the OP still struggles to find another job. Should they go for number 3? 4? How many should the OP have to avoid work?

Bluebell878275 · 13/02/2019 14:10

How exactly are you going to FORCE him OP?

caringcarer · 13/02/2019 14:10

Wait until you are are both ready before getting pregnant again. If you get pregnant before he is ready he might not take as much interest in your pregnancy or baby once born.

MachinicianMagician · 13/02/2019 14:14

Could you not reach a compromise together? E.g. wait another 6 months rather than a year?

What's your husbands reasoning for waiting?

I'm guessing the "force" was just bad wording.

Fink · 13/02/2019 14:15

As pp have said, it's got nothing to do with 'forcing' him to have another baby. But if you're looking to persuade him, then try looking at his side of the story. Why does he want to wait until the first child is 2? Does he have a particular reason? Is it just an arbitrary number that he thinks would be a good age gap or does he have reasons to want to wait? e.g. not able to pay double nursery fees, room in the house, difficulties with first child ...? You don't have to tell MN all about it, but have you considered it from his pov?