My mom kicked me out - Do i still allow her to see her grandkids?!

[MommaBee97]

I lost my home a few months ago and had to move out, my mom insisted I moved in with her (eventhough I didn't want to I had to think of the kids!) I have a 4 year old and a 7 month old. Anyway, my Mom made my life hell being there! I was getting blamed for everything, being told I was lazy because I had no where to store our clothes so we were living out of suitcases. And we got into a massive argument! The argument wasn't really THAT bad. But she told me I had to leave. I had no where to go, I had to stay in a hotel, until I could find somewhere temporary. She never asked me whether I had anywhere to go, she never asked if the girls were okay. She hasn't even spoken to me besides telling me to get the rest of my things. Today my younger sister messaged to ask if my mom can have my girls over night this week, and to be honest, I don't want her to. She kicked me out with two young children and I had no where to go! AIBU if I don't allow her to see them for a few weeks? It's still raw, I'm still hurt/ angry. My children are just settling being at my partners parents and I think sending them to my Moms for the night is going to confuse them.

Absolutely not, you've no idea what she will say to them about you. It sounds as if you've got enough hassles in you life without her adding to it.
I bet if you go NC you'll soon realise that a burden has been lifted.

My mom threw me out she made sure I had somewhere to go to put down the deposit and gave me a lift with my stuff but she definitely threw me out

She sounds awful I'd cut all contact.

I also think you are downplaying something. You have painted yourself to be reasonable, helped round the house and had the odd down day. The argument, from your telling is also you being completely innocent of any wrong doing. Im always suspicious about people who write in this way.

Tbh I don’t think I’d ever speak to her again. It would be bad enough her throwing her own daughter out with nowhere to go, but young children too without a care for whether you had anywhere to stay or not? Anything could have happened. Making your daughter and grandchildren intentionally homeless and over so little is unforgivable in my book.

Marriedwithchildren5

You’d be surprised how many parents can be downright nasty and cruel to their kids, unwarranted. Both as adults and kids.

I'm surprised that so many people seem unable to imagine a mother/grandmother behaving in this way or are alluding to the OP having brought it on herself in some way.

Sometimes, in life, and despite our plans/expectations to the contrary, shit happens. And, when it does, many people rely on family to support them through a brief 'hiccup'. that's how life and families work.

My mother did similar to me when my baby was 5 days old. It wasn't ideal that I ended up back 'home' at 36 weeks pregnant when my fiance kicked me out and I realised that having me there at 24 wasn't going to have been in her life plan. As such, I did my best to minimise the impact on me being there - I did the housework while she was at work; cooked dinner for her when she came home; had no expectation of her 'helping' me with the baby once he was born - and made that very clear. I required no support from her aside from a roof over my head.

But she was making plans behind my back to make me homeless and did so. I only discovered it when my son and I were discharged from hospital when he was 3 days old.

People don't talk about this stuff in real life, which is why people only hear about it on here. If you knew me, you'd have no idea that this was my experience.

But she wasn't a good mother or a good grandmother - she made attempts to sabotage me for a number of years after I moved out, whilst I made futile efforts to build/repair a relationship with her.

Eventually, her behaviours brought her/us/the children to the attention of SS and, following an Initial Assessment, the SW and I agreed that the children would have no further contact with her for their own protection.

Some people just aren't very nice.

If I were in your position, all I can say is that she'd be waiting a bloody long time before she saw them. And any social media bitchiness by her / on her behalf would be met with brutal honesty about her making you & her GCs homeless. She made her bed, she should lie in it. Alone. She sounds dreadful.

To add, I know why my mother did it.

1. She was ashamed at having an unmarried mother as a daughter.

2. She had divorced my dad a couple of years earlier and was enjoying a social life that didn't involve there being another adult and a baby at home - she didn't want a crying baby putting off any men she brought home.

3. She was 'punishing' me for having a relationship at such a young age and for not being a better partner. Had I only tried harder, maybe he wouldn't have tried pushing me down the stairs and then got another woman pregnant whilst I was already pregnant and engaged to him. She felt it would teach me to be a better partner in the future if I knew what lay in store for me if my relationship failed.

I later found out that my grandmother had told her my son and I could go and live with her instead but she'd threatened to never speak to her again if she did that. My grandma was very upset by it but was scared of losing her only daughter.

My grandma later told me that she had to put my mother first because she was her daughter and your first loyalty was always to your children.

I told her that it was a pity my mother hadn't felt similarly then.

She cried and said she wished she'd known better then what my mother was "really like".

If it happened exactly like that then yes, I would cut contact

Sorry but something feels a bit off,I think there are 2 very different sides to this story

I am erring on this side, too.

Tell her to fuck off.

My grandma later told me that she had to put my mother first because she was her daughter and your first loyalty was always to your children

My mum always says this about me/my daughter. As a mum, it’s hard to take as my priority is my daughter so I always feel that she should be the priority for other people over me.
I have never understood why some people seem to ‘abandon’ their children when they become adults. Although an adult, I am still the child in mine and my mums relationship and that is the same between myself and my daughter. I feel sad for people who don’t have a close relationship with their parent(s)

@PlumPorter just awful...your mother sounds either seriously mentally unwell or plain evil. I wouldn't do what she did to an acquintance. How can anyone make their daughter and newborn grandchild homeless on leaving the hospital is beyond my comprehension. So sorry for what happened

Thanks, ID81241. But I didn't want to derail with my experience, I just wanted people to understand that some mothers do act like this.

It was 20 years ago now but I'm still living with the emotional and mental ramifications of it even today.

@Snowflakes1122 to be honest i have never experienced this, so i could be being sceptical because of this!

I'm only telling the story of what has happened. I don't expect everybody to agree with my decision but the situation is simple. She threw me out over a very petty argument and as unbelievable at that seems, its true. She doesn't like dealing with conflict and arguments so rather than facing it she would rather tell us to find somewhere else to live. And im also not using my children as a weapon, I said a few weeks because my eldest doesn't understand and until we have our own house shes going to keep asking 'Why aren't we staying at nanny's' and I know my mom will thrive off that.

So you had the car but said you couldn’t take her to work because boyfriend needed the car, but he didn’t need the car?

And you ordered food to her house but didn’t give her any so he couldn’t stay?

And because of the above, she through you out?

She wants to see her GC? The ones she made homeless???
Tell your DSis "Hell no!" - and mean it!

Actually I thought op said she could give her mother a lift but was just checking the logistics with bf. Dm walked to work to do she could then complain about op.

I doubt she wanted op to take her. The mother i think appears to have been spoiling for a fight so was planning on walking all along

No way would I be sending my kids over when she doesn't even have the decency to even speak to you!

I totally believe you, OP. My mother said if I didn't marry the violent and abusive prick I got pregnant to, she'd kick me out. He, initially, told me he didn't want the child and left me. He came back when I was about 7 month's gone and said we should get married. 3 different occasions. Still said No. Then he talked with DM. She told me to agree or else get gone.

Later came the 'you made your bed so you have to lie in it' .

Another time, me, my 5 yr old (at the time) and baby (luckily sleeping in pushchair) walked 45 minutes to her house to see my sister who had arrived for a visit from abroad. I'd spent 3 weeks on and off helping her get the house cleaned and freshened up. Arrived, 5 yr old needed a drink and a sit down. Knocked door - DM answered 'You can't come in, it'll be chaos' and shut the door in our faces.

I walked round to my MIL another 10 mins away, heart broken, desperate to cry but held it together so DS could have a drink and a rest. She gave me busfare home (no money on me - thanks to my DP, as usual).

These parents do exist. I believe you, OP.

I believe you too, OP.

My paternal grandmother was like this - she wouldn't just stop interacting with someone who had upset her (generally over nothing, or because they hadn't done something she had wanted them to do - buy a particular car, plant a window box, stop speaking to someone she didn't like) - she would go out of her way to "get" them. She was phenomenally vindictive and spiteful, and suppose she waited years to get her revenge, she would do it and crow over it.

She also visited the sins of the parents onto the children, and was incredibly vile to me because I looked like my other grannie.

I would say no.

I was a lot older (15/16) when I went to visit my Gran. Mum and Dad had always been clear that if I wanted a relationship, they would make sure that happened. There was no threat or altercation about any of it - I was old enough to decide for myself.

My Gran sat me down and basically ranted at me about how my beloved mother was evil, a bitch, was using dad (bullshit - it was the other way around), that she was incapable of loving anybody, so don't get sucked into feeling I was loved by her.

I sat there and cried and my Grandpa finally intervened and I left.

If I'd have been younger, if I hadn't had the autonomy to go and get a train and decide I'd rather not go, I would have felt very trapped in an unnecessarily painful situation.

If you want them to have a safe relationship with your mother, start on yours and hers first. If you don't trust either of you to manage a conversation without it breaking, don't put your very young children in that position.

Every time she asks to see your dc, respond with, "what, you mean the kids you threw out of your home with nowhere to go? The 4 year old and the 7 month old baby you made homeless?" Then remain silent and see what she comes up with.

She lost the privilege of seeing your kids when she threw you all out. Please don't allow her toxic presence around your dc. She is trying to alienate you from them by having them for sleepovers while having no contact with you.