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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

(Not so) newborn has no cards or gifts because MIL has them all and won’t send

145 replies

monkeymobile · 12/02/2019 20:51

DS was born seven weeks ago. I had an emergency section and MIL and FIL came down to visit (other end of the country) just for one night as they had not booked time off work, understandable.

While she was here MIL said as they had nothing for the baby she would go and get something before visiting (hospital) on the Sunday. She went with DH but because the tills werent open (browsing only in the shop for half an hour before tills opened as it was a Sunday) she put her gift down and walked out. Her choice.

When she went back home, all the relatives (live in same town) bought gifts for the baby and as MIL said she was coming down again to visit, she told them to give them to her and she would bring them, save postage. That was six weeks ago and she still has everything and won’t postanything. She has no plans to come again anytime soon.

I don’t want to be grabby but it’s unfair, I’d just like the cards. We have nothing from that side of the family at all and as I only have a sister, we have one card.

We have had to tell people thanks if you sent a gift but we haven’t got them yet. Embarrassing but I always send thank you cards and can’t do felt bad.

MIL has even said that the newborn clothes won’t even fit by the time she comes down (she must have opened the presents I suppose). I don’t know why she said that, just to be horrid?

DH thinks she didn’t want anyone else to give presents until she had and as she got annoyed and walked out of the shop when she was here, she’s now making sure nothing gets to us.

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 13/02/2019 10:32

I remember the personalised gift. A cross stitch I think.

vintanner · 13/02/2019 10:42

I would shame her by sending Thank You notes out saying:

'Ideally, by now we would have thanked everyone for their gifts but as we haven't received them we are unable to be specific as we do not know what they are!
So thank you for your kind thoughts.'

MumUnderTheMoon · 13/02/2019 10:52

This is a total power play. I'd just write the gifts and cards off as a loss and not contact her at all any more. Send an email or text of baby photos and tell everyone thank you for the effort they went to for buying the gifts even though they haven't been passed on yet. And leave it at that.

Confusedbeetle · 13/02/2019 11:05

This is up to your husband to deal with

jackstini · 13/02/2019 11:11

Glad he's decided to go.
Will be a weight off all your minds and a very clear message to her!

JingsMahBucket · 13/02/2019 11:45

@monkeymobile does your husband have keys to his mum’s house still? If so, that’s even more reason not to tell her he’s coming. He can politely knock on the door then enter with the keys he has.

ApolloandDaphne · 13/02/2019 11:54

At least if your DH is able to collect all his belongings too you will never ever have to deal with her again. Make sure all the people who gave your DS a gift know to send any future cards and gifts directly to your home address. They need to know what she has done.

timeisnotaline · 13/02/2019 11:55

Definitely don’t warn her. If dh doesn’t have keys Is there anyone who does he can get them from? I wouldn’t visit nor send photos for a while. Dh can just say on the phone baby is getting so big, you’re welcome to visit! Unless you don’t want her there of course.

Coppermine · 13/02/2019 11:55

What is wrong with people! There are so many threads about DMs and MILs behaving so terribly. And I hate to say it but it's so often women?!

Is it a generation thing or will there be parents in all generations that treat their kids and grandkids so appallingly. I have issues with my own DM but nothing as ridiculous as this.

OP I'm pleased your DH is doing something about this. Hopefully he gets everything he wants from her house and you never have to see her again until (if) she changes her behaviour.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/02/2019 12:01

What a mean thing to do. I loved receiving baby cards from family. Hope the trip goes well and that she’s in when DH calls round.

Mabellavender · 13/02/2019 12:04

Is there history with the mil and do you generally get on with her?

I’m only asking because is she just very laid back or a bit of a drip and is maybe thinking it’s not a big deal? I know my mum would t rush to send me gifts from family as they’re not likely to be anything I’d want anyway. That sounds awful but just being realistic she might not be being spiteful, or does she have form for spiteful behaviour?

AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer · 13/02/2019 12:10

She sounds so mean! Hopefully your DH manages to rescue everything at the weekend.

outpinked · 13/02/2019 12:13

Another one that would be thankful to live such a distance away from her... Call her up, offer the postage money and demand she sends them. They’re your gifts and she’s currently bizarrely holding them to ransom. I mean, they’re actually her Grandchild’s gifts so it's even weirder.

Weirder still that she’s only visited her Grandchild once in seven weeks but my MIL is the same so...

Wedgiecar58 · 13/02/2019 12:16

If you have her bank details transfer the postage money before asking her! She'll only find an excuse not to send.

Wire her the postage money, send her a text saying you've done so and please send the gifts ASAP. Say you want to thank people for their generous gifts but you can't without knowing who has given what.

Make it difficult for her to back out. If she makes excuses, say you're upset your DC wont get the use out of the gifts.

If she still refuses, start texting people that you know will have given gifts and explain they've been taken hostage! Say thank you and you can't wait to see what they've given, and you hope it will still fit.

Shame her! She's been awful. Totally unreasonable and unfair.

CottonSock · 13/02/2019 12:20

You could do Hermes collection if she agrees to be home for it. Sorry not read whole thread, but what a nightmare she sounds.

CottonSock · 13/02/2019 12:21

Although my mil would probably do this, to save postage, not to be spiteful

NorthEndGal · 13/02/2019 12:24

Your mil is trying to run the show. I take it she is used to everyone dancing to her tune?

JingsMahBucket · 13/02/2019 12:31

For recent posters, read the OP’s post. They’ve already decided the husband will drive up this weekend to get the gifts and clear out his own belongings before the MIL trashes them.

Ratbagcatbag · 13/02/2019 12:33

I hope the trip is successful and he gets everything he wants too.

Why are people like this? I just don't get it.

endofthelinefinally · 13/02/2019 12:42

I still have all the cards I got when my DC were born. They are very precious to me.
I hope your DH manages to retrieve everything OP.

MakeItAmazing · 13/02/2019 12:44

You're not doing a disservice by not choosing to trust someone who has proved she can't be pleasant. and normal.

MorrisZapp · 13/02/2019 12:50

My mum would totally do this. She isn't horrible, just well intentioned but utterly shite at anything practical.

And then enough time goes by that all parties have 'forgotten'.

It looks bad on her that she hasn't made the effort to visit, and each day she thinks well its OK not to post the stuff because its easier just to take it with me when I go next week. Next week, rinse and repeat.

drspouse · 13/02/2019 12:57

Your DH sounds like he has his head screwed on. Good luck.

madeyemoodysmum · 13/02/2019 18:39

She sounds crazy. Good luck op

ColdCottage · 13/02/2019 19:11

You poor thing. She sounds like a rotter. How mean.

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