(Not so) newborn has no cards or gifts because MIL has them all and won’t send

[monkeymobile]

DS was born seven weeks ago. I had an emergency section and MIL and FIL came down to visit (other end of the country) just for one night as they had not booked time off work, understandable.

While she was here MIL said as they had nothing for the baby she would go and get something before visiting (hospital) on the Sunday. She went with DH but because the tills werent open (browsing only in the shop for half an hour before tills opened as it was a Sunday) she put her gift down and walked out. Her choice.

When she went back home, all the relatives (live in same town) bought gifts for the baby and as MIL said she was coming down again to visit, she told them to give them to her and she would bring them, save postage. That was six weeks ago and she still has everything and won’t postanything. She has no plans to come again anytime soon.

I don’t want to be grabby but it’s unfair, I’d just like the cards. We have nothing from that side of the family at all and as I only have a sister, we have one card.

We have had to tell people thanks if you sent a gift but we haven’t got them yet. Embarrassing but I always send thank you cards and can’t do felt bad.

MIL has even said that the newborn clothes won’t even fit by the time she comes down (she must have opened the presents I suppose). I don’t know why she said that, just to be horrid?

DH thinks she didn’t want anyone else to give presents until she had and as she got annoyed and walked out of the shop when she was here, she’s now making sure nothing gets to us.

[twoshedsjackson]

The thing is, the longer she holds on to these things, the less "precious" they are as a bargaining tool. How long will it be before you can quite honestly say "How lovely, but really only suitable for a newborn." ? "That's lovely, but someone on my side of the family already provided us with that".
Is she setting up a bedroom for visiting GC, Miss Havisham style? If anybody asks her why she still has all this stuff, who is going to look faintly bonkers? I bet her public persona is important to her.......
You have a beautiful new baby, the other side of the family are supportive, it sounds as if her son has her measure, she lives too far away to drop by frequently.
If you were petty enough to see this as a competition, who do you think is "winning"?

[SpinneyHill]

I got a baby

I got presents for a baby

I got a bigger baby and memories of her growing

....oh

[Justaboy]

I'm not that good at choosing pressies but its a newborn child what is with her?

She could just send you a sum of money dosn't have to be that much just with a "here go get something nice for babe"

Perhaps your fortunate to be 400 miles away from her anyway!.

[HollowTalk]

Don't go and visit her after all this!

[SlipperOrchid]

IMO, the best thing would be for DH to drive up (when you can spare him), collect everything, and come back down. Stopping in services rather than at her house! That would make it clear that you won't be bullied into visiting and bringing the baby on a huge trek.

^^ This.

I wouldn't visit her at all let alone bring a tiny baby on a long car trip that will take hours as you have to stop to feed, change and give him a break from his car seat. Do not allow her to manipulate and bully you.

FWIW I have a similar MIL and her behaviour stressed me out when I should have been enjoying my baby. Do what Pink suggested above and then put her out of your mind.

Congratulations on your baby x

[Amongstthestars]

Congrats on your lovely baby, OP. Honestly, you don’t need the gifts. Stop mentioning them to her, thank the family for their kind thoughts (as you haven’t seen the present itself) as you mentioned and she loses her “power”. She sounds unhinged and narcissistic. It’s really very fortunate that she’s so far away!!

I’ve got a super bitch MIL, too. She buys presents for DS... they have to stay at her house. This means he has an expensive electric ride-in car that he’s used 3 times (no other grandchildren in the family, so not as if she’s thinking of anyone else), two massive inflatable swimming pools that he’s used once and a bike that he’s used twice. We aren’t allowed to take any of this home.

She also buys an insane amount of presents if we spend Christmas with them, but a paltry amount if we spend Christmas elesewhee. The game doesn’t work though, as she spends barely any time with DS, as I can’t stand her nasty ways.

Enjoy your baby. Go low contact as possible. You don’t need her negativity x

[monkeymobile]

Thank you all.

We have decided that DH will drive up at half term when my sister can come and stay for a couple of days.

I dont think there is that much to pick up but DH has decided he wants to get his childhood toys as well (still in MIL’s attic/garage) before they go AWOL as he mentioned a particular soft toy to MIL recently and she says she no longer has it . His fault, he shouldn’t have left if there, so he’s going to get what he can next week.

Then she won’t have anything to hold over us.

Thank you all again xxx

[Aprilshowersarecomingsoon]

Don't forget to update op, always nice to hear of a mil getting her comeuppance when it's well deserved.

[Soubriquet]

And I thought my MIL was toxic.

This is exactly the sort of thing she would do.

She sold all of my dh’s toys, that were very precious to him, because she wanted the money and he “was getting to old for them anyway”.

I hate her. Really deeply loathe her.

We are fully no contact with her now as last time she came down, it was to babysit the kids whilst dh was in hospital.

We didn’t know it at the time but over the weeks, we have discovered that gold jewellery went missing, various collectible items of DH’s had gone missing and some very valuable collectible items had gone missing.

Dh would never have sold them.

Whilst we can’t prove it, we are confident it was her.

Especially since she was broke and then all of a sudden had a new puppy and a new £200 rug

[ssd]

Thank god she's 400 miles away and put it down to experience

[monkeymobile]

He’s probably going on Sunday afternoon and will be back Monday if he can do it. Not staying at MIL’s, going to go up, get the stuff and set off back and stay in a travelodge when he’s tired, even if it’s a couple of miles from the ILs!

We’re just wondering when to tell MIL now. I am very anti people turning up at my door unannounced so don’t think DH should do it to his mother. On the other hand it gives her the opportunity to be out if she wants to try and make him stay over or something. Might be doing her a disservice again, but I do not trust her at all.

We don’t need this, it’s eating into DH’s days off he booked to be with the baby but hopefully this will be the end of it. I also think clearing out his stuff from MIL’s will send a message that he might not be going back if she continues to behave so nastily.

[monkeymobile]

Meant to say, so I’ll update on Monday.

[Troels]

He should just turn up, it's his parents, not a stranger or distant relative.
If I were him I'd wander through the house and collect all my stuff. Not ask her to go and get it all. That gives her chance to hide things as she goes.
The woman is crackers.
I hope he messaged or emailed all the relatives who got stuff to let them know she was refusing to send it on even when given postage by Dh.
Good job she's so far away.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Don’t tell her he’s coming. Get him to ask if she’s home on Sunday as you are going to record baby noises or something on your phone and will call her together on her land line. Or some other excuse to ascertain she’s deffo going to be there.

[ThanosSavedMe]

Just to echo pp be pleased she lives so far away

And don’t be embarrassed about you dh writing to relatives, neither of you have anything to be embarrassed about. Mil does.

I’d be working on building relationships with those relatives separately from the mil going forwards so she doesn’t have to be involved in anything.

[AstralTraveller]

She sounds batshit crazy. 400 miles isn't far enough.

[Juells]

I wonder if she intends selling the stuff that "the baby will have grown out of, now" ? It seems too odd not to have a CF reason behind it.

[Juells]

...she might do it as a favour to you, then forget to give you the money.

[MrsJane]

What a strange situation?!

It's not fair your DH has to drive up and leave you both to do this.

Do you think she's waiting for an invitation to visit?? And a long stay? Just trying to understand her bizarre behaviour.

Maybe if he tells her he's coming up, she might offer to come to you?

[sashh]

What she is doing is theft.

Send her the postage, tell her she has 5 days before you call the police or take civil action.

Yes it is a hammer to crack a nut but hopefully it would give her a shock,

I'd bet even money if your dh does drive up then she will not hand over everything.

Sorry I have just seen our update, write a letter for him to take in case she is conveniently out all weekend.

[Mabellavender]

your mil behaviour is odd and yanbu but I really wouldn’t get too excited about the gifts, I can’t believe your oh is making an 800 mile round trip to get what will probably be some baby grows and cuddly toys and cards.

[formerbabe]

I'd embarrass her. Tell the relatives that have got you gifts and cards that she is refusing to send them to you....thank them anyway. Most people would be horrified and angry their gift is being withheld.

[monkeymobile]

Mabellavender

He’s not. He wants to clear out his belongings from MIL’s.

[notapizzaeater]

I wouldn't tell,her I was coming up either , gives her time to be out etc.

[Motoko]

I remember that thread a pp mentioned, where the MIL even kept a personalised gift. That was another one where the MIL lived a few hours drive away.

Don't tell her he's coming, he needs to surprise her, or she'll get rid of everything before he gets there. Normal rules of courtesy and manners do not apply here, she's brought this on herself.

Don't have anything more to do with her. Your child won't miss having a relationship with a nasty, toxic, grandparent, DS is better off never knowing her. It won't harm him.