A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

now hang on a minute. I'm greedy, as greedy as you can imagine when it comes to food. I just want to eat it all! But I pay my own way!

YANBU, I have never heard such nonsense ever! The way myself, family & friends always work it is that you split it between the adults only. Also if we got something way more expensive or had considerably more drinks we would cover that then split the remaining balance equally.

This is why I hate these family " let's all share the bill evenly " things.
There's always at least one cheeky piss taker who ends up smiling whilst everyone else is out of pocket.
You are being entirely reasonable and the person in question is a miserable tight fisted entitled cheeky fucker of monumental proportions.
I'm amazed no one went in to bat for you. I would have. I hate injustice.
Learn from it and don't go out with this lot again.

It's pretty straightforward: from the OP £40 each across 15 people makes a total bill of £600. The kids' meals cost £32 so the rest was £568 over 11 adults. Splitting the bill would be £8 per kid and £52 per adult. Total cost to OP £132 (2×£52, 3×£8). Total cost to the other idiot £52 (a bargain for an expensive 3 course meal with pricey drinks)

Sorry mistyped OP's cost is £128

I’m generally happy to split bills within reason, but this is sooooo cheeky!!

I'm amazed no one went in to bat for you. I would have. I hate injustice

^^

This. I'm exactly the same. Can't resist.

You were very reasonable. Normally I am all for splitting the bill by the number of heads at the table regardless of who ordered what, but this situation is a definite exception.

We have a friend who is fantastic with bills. She puts the bill on her card for the whole table and a few days later we get a group email with a scan of the receipt saying kids cost £x pounds a head, non drinking adults at £X and £x each for the adults who were drinking so it’s £xx for Wins family, £xx for Mate 2’s family etc. She ends every email ‘anyone who doesn’t agree with these figures let me know’ and so far not even the cheekiest CF in our group (who was the reason she adopted the system in the first place) has ever had the front to argue with her.

Wow YANBU that’s rediculous I would never expect parents to pay adult prices for kids meals.

What an arrogant CF!!!

If you’re going to split costs involving childrens’ meals, then at the very least you just split it between adults absorbing the relatively low cost into each adult share. Expecting a child’s meal share cost to be equivalent to an adult’s is crazy.

You’ll notice the only people who get annoyed about non-splitting are those that go overboard on their meal expecting it to be subsidised by everyone else.

Hello I'm a man so need to put that their first and foremost. I follow Mumsnet as I learn a lot. I'm 46 btw.

I think a big family event should be made clear. As a man who likes a beer I wouldn't expect the group to pay. Neither would I order expensive food expecting the group to pay.

Seems to me everyone was uncomfortable but didn't want to say anything. I'm personally glad you stood your ground and said what you felt. What has your OH said about it?

You sound too nice to me but I get the impression you'd had enough.

Hello I'm a man so need to put that their first and foremost.

Unless you’re using your penis to type, I don’t see how that’s relevant!

yanbu whatsoever, what a cccf!

I cannot see how anyone, unless they are congetially stupid, or deathly afraid of this CF's temper, can agree that that would be fair!

I never pay like this, and have always said so, mainly because of meds I can't eat half the stuff at restaurants lol, so, I always say at family dinners that we all pay for our own, then, no-one takes the piss, everyone knows what their budget is, and no-one ends up feeling upset.
There will usually always be someone who will take the proverbial if you say you are splitting the bill.... xxx

YADNBU. Hope your Mum at least is on your side!

It really misses the point of communal dining like this.

I thought the point of communal dining was to get friends together and have a good time. If you’re omitting people on the basis they can’t/don’t want to subsidise others’ expensive food choices then I think you’re missing the point.

Unless you’re using your penis to type, I don’t see how that’s relevant!

I never understand why so many men seem to preface their message with 'I am a man'.

OP did you speak with your mum?

No you did the right thing.

Ah c'mon that’s ridiculous! Kids meals should be disregarded - bill should be divided between the adults only. How the heck can any sane person expect to charge little children £40 each? That person is clearly a horrid little oik and you shouldn’t even give them brain time. I’d’ve said ‘I’m paying £x’ and if they didn’t like that - pay for what you’ve had!

Does that particular guest who ordered the expensive items & took charge of splitting the bill have form for this?

Seems like a well-worn strategy. And you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

It’s outrageous that the narrative is now focusing on what you did wrong & not the person trying to free load off everyone else.

I never understand why so many men seem to preface their message with 'I am a man'.

It so we know that this is an opinion that really matters.

No chance the others most likely thought it unfair but figured if you caved it saved them money so said nothing. Unless everyone has children at the meal their portion should either be their parents responsibility or split between the adults but children should never be responsible for an individual equal portion of the bill. If it is 6 adult n 2 kids either split it as 6 adults including theirs or as 6 adults minus child part of bill which goes to patents not by 8 and making parent pay half the whole thing.

That’s CFery of the highest order.

I’d contact the CF and tell them how THEy had ruinwd the evening. I would explain their selfish choices and thoughtless bill splitting was pathetic and he should buck up

I’m just popping up from my well-stocked wine cellar* to see if the OP has seen her mum yet.

i don’t have a wine cellar*
**i don’t have a cellar