A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

A true friend would want to spend time with unemployed friends green Why should you not attend social occasions because you are unemployed?
When we went out for my birthday I didn't expect my unemployed sister to sub me. She paid for her drinks and we paid for everyone's food. It was a big birthday and guests attending had to pay for transport and hotel.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, no one cares what sort of wine they have with what sort of food beyond their preference for red or white and that the wine is at least drinkable and that there is enough of it.

Why don't restaurants give individual bills? I would be willing to give a bigger tip if they did. I only ever eat a starter when I go out due to dysphagia , and it takes me as long as people eating three courses. Can only manage one drink too. People who don't know me well think I do it to be cheap but the alternative is not to socialise but I do begrudge paying for bottles and bottles of wine and lobster main courses although I usually do to keep the peace.

YNBU! Shocking they've send you messages too! Defo remove kids bill and split then add the £24 back as you said.
If I ever have an expensive meal I always add my extra too as that person should of done to be fair! Same with friends if they'd had drink and I didn't for example.

A true friend would want to spend time with unemployed friends green Why should you not attend social occasions because you are unemployed?

I agree that a true friend would want to spend time with their friends irrespective of social status, just not at a meal at an expensive restaurant.

If it were me, I would arrange to see that person at another time, maybe go for a walk together or invite them round for a cup of tea, something within budget.

Unless someone specifically offered in advance to pay my share, I would never just turn up to a meal out that I knew was beyond my means. I'm actually cringing at the thought of a table-wide public discussion of my financial situation and who was going to pay for me!

You have to cut your suit according to your cloth, and FWIW, if nobody offered in advance to sub me, knowing that I was unemployed, then I would take the hint that I wasn't particularly welcome in that group anyway.

GreenHouseKeeping

DH and I have just had a good laugh at your post. Which century are you living in? Are you secretly Henry V111?

But that's the whole point, previous posters are saying they could afford to pay for themselves but not sub others. How has that turned into turning up expecting others to sub them?

no one cares what sort of wine they have with what sort of food beyond their preference for red or white and that the wine is at least drinkable and that there is enough of it.

You must realise that this isn't a universal truth though? Surely nobody is solipsistic enough to think so?

I always split bills and never argue .. however the kids meals should have been taken out of the equation ie everyone with kids pays for a kids meal and the rest split between the adults.

But why should the unemployed person miss out on the fun group meal out, or expect what might be equally strapped for cash people to pay all their share when there's a perfectly satisfactory solution?
The person who commented about being unemployed said they could afford the meal out, they just needed to stick to a budget. Being unemployed doesn't necessarily equal being catestrophically skint. They might have had savings and were avoiding big splurges to make sure they lasted as long as possible.

You don't need a table-wide public discussion, you just everyone else to keep an eye on what their share comes to and put in the appropriate amount when the bill comes.

Ahh, I do feel I'm derailing the thread - shall we agree to differ and celebrate the fact that there are different norms within different social groups?

Are you secretly Henry V111?

I think you mean Henry VIII, but no, I'm actually Jacob Rees-Mogg (minus the misogyny and questionable views on Brexit)

Yadnbu

If I was out for a big meal with others and noticed one GF (greedy Fucker) ordering extortionate items off the menu at double the cost of everything else I'd actually stand up there and then and say, as knobhead is getting carried away ordering OTT, we'll just pay for what we actually eat/drink so that it's not unfair.

No way would I pay over the odds for other people's deliberate greed.

Green - I have a broad range of friends from varying social backgrounds, ranging from good solid working class origins through to the family money, private educated upper middles (with the majority of my friends being tertiary educated professionals). Not one of them would consider it poor form to bring wine to a dinner party.

I guess I see this as being within the context of the 'Long Game' of friendship. This time, I may subsidise someone else, next time, they may subsidise me. It's about give and take and thinking the best of your friends, that is to say, assuming that a favour (subsidy) given today will most likely be 'repaid' in the future.

The only problem here is that, in general I think it is always the same people who will have 3 courses plus side dishes plus more alcohol than everyone else. So although it’s nice to think that next time the positions will be reversed, I think in reality that is rarely the case. Particularly if the “bigger eater” happens to be a CF.

Giggling like a loon at the thought of my friend being in a quandary about whether to serve my £6 Tesco wine or her £6 Tesco wine with the Old El Paso fajitas she’s lovingly prepared for our dinner.

We have friends to whom we wouldn't take wine, and friends that we would. A key element to etiquette/manners is knowing how to behave in different scenarios.

Surely the wine is a gift/thank you for the host/hostess, and they are perfectly at liberty to put it away or use it during the meal. It’s not a bloody comment on the host’s cellar or wine pairings, good grief!

Not one of them would consider it poor form to bring wine to a dinner party

Truth be told, I'm delighted if anybody gives me wine, and amongst friends, I agree its not an issue.

If its a formal dinner party though and someone I don't know well brings a bottle of wine, I'm still pleased, but it does tell me immediately that this person has a poor grasp of etiquette.

Practically speaking, It will make things difficult because by that point, we will have probably have had the wine for the main course open and breathing for some time so we have to decide whether to waste our wine and not offend the guest, or to serve it and run the risk of seeming rude by not serving the wine they brought.

Its not a big deal but personally, I prefer not to put my host in that position, so I don't bring wine, unless I've been specifically asked to do so.

we have to decide whether to waste our wine and not offend the guest, or to serve it and run the risk of seeming rude by not serving the wine they brought.

I have never heard of this being a problem. Surely you just accept the wine as a lovely gift, serve the wine you’ve already got open, and then open the guest’s wine when yours runs out?

they are perfectly at liberty to put it away or use it during the meal.

...I agree with you, but sadly, I've seen far too many threads on this site where posters have misunderstood the etiquette of hostess gifts and are very offended when their wine/dessert gift has been put away and not served with the meal.

@GreenHouseKeeping I think you’ve misunderstood my post, we could afford to pay for our own food in the restaurant, we could not afford/did not want to subsidise other people’s food when we were on a budget and £12.95 for a set menu is hardly an expensive restaurant in anyone’s book. We certainly weren’t waiting around for anyone to pay for us and never would!

We would not have wanted to be taken for a walk like some poor relation.

You sound quite patronising.

I've seen far too many threads on this site where posters have misunderstood the etiquette of hostess gifts and are very offended when their wine/dessert gift has been put away and not served with the meal

Now THAT I can believe

Giggling like a loon at the thought of my friend being in a quandary about whether to serve my £6 Tesco wine or her £6 Tesco wine with the Old El Paso fajitas she’s lovingly prepared for our dinner.

I thought for a second you might be my friend but I only drink £10 wine on half price offer with my fajitas!

Please remember red onion = red wine & white onion = white wine.

Giggling like a loon at the thought of my friend being in a quandary about whether to serve my £6 Tesco wine or her £6 Tesco wine with the Old El Paso fajitas she’s lovingly prepared for our dinner.

Yeah this is pretty much how it works with my friends too. It’s a ‘what does anyone fancy drinking? Red/white/rose/gin?’

Absolutely YANBU they're expecting you to cover the cost of their expensive meal. Ongoing you should advise you'll be happy to go out but will be paying for only drinks and meals you have had. They're all being selfish as I'm sure they would have each had larger bills if everyone didn't split payment. Stand your ground