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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be horrified at the amount of vile and insensitive responses

131 replies

Rowyourboat1234 · 12/02/2019 13:45

I’ve come back after not being on mumsnet for a long time and I’m horrified at some of the vile and insensitive responses on some threads. Why?! What is the point of that? If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything. How about that for Feb challenge?

OP posts:
Deadringer · 12/02/2019 21:33

There are some lovely, supportive people on here, some not so nice, and some that are downright vile, just like real life really. What were you expecting? Yabu.

SpawnChorus · 12/02/2019 21:43

I know what you mean. I had a pretty long break from MN and was surprised with how "robust" many of the replies are. I had a nostalgic wander through some random old posts I made back in 2007-9 and realised that things really have changed a lot on here. A few of my posts back then would have got a right clobbering then (mostly me despairing of my shitty parenting skills), but were responded to with kindness.

QwertyLou · 12/02/2019 22:02

OP, don’t leave. 95 per cent of responses on most threads are helpful (even if delivered brusquely). I know the other 5 per cent can sting in the moment, but try to detach from those.

I once asked what seemed a fairly mundane question and got told I was mentally ill and had “invented a fake son to create drama on MN” (!). Which was bizarre - if I hadn’t had my son I wouldn’t have even discovered MN.

However, 95 per cent of responses did helpfully address my question so that comment was by far in the minority.

So just focus on the helpful comments and forget the rest Flowers

Lifecraft · 12/02/2019 22:02

If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything.

My grandmother always used to say "if you can't say anything nice, then saw something fucking horrible, because the wanker probably deserves it.

WinterfellWench · 12/02/2019 22:06

@Lifecraft

My grandmother always used to say "if you can't say anything nice, then say something fucking horrible, because the wanker probably deserves it.

Nice. Confused What a charmer... NOT!

You must be SO proud of her. Hmm

badlydrawnperson · 12/02/2019 22:38

@Lifecraft Your Granny rules

SmarmyMrMime · 12/02/2019 23:15

I've been around a number of years and don't think there's been a significant change. Part of the "charm" of MN and AIBU in particular is that it has a direct, blunt style which took a while to get used to after being on some quieter, cosier forums. Some people do go too far. Either tone is lost in text form and the interpretation of the reader (humour being particularly precarious). Some people are just here to be provocative, and you do get to recognise some names of people that only ever post a contrary response to put it mildly. Some are straight talking in a blunt way but fair, intelligent and articulate. But mostly it's supportive even if it can be a bit cruel to be kind in the heat of an awkward moment.

CoteDAzur · 12/02/2019 23:38

YABU.

NetMums is that way >>>>>

havingtochangeusernameagain · 13/02/2019 08:30

I find there are a great many very sanctimonious comments.

Do MNer really believe that they are so perfect, or do they type the stuff, click "submit" and then secretly know that they are being hypocritical?

There is a thread in "chat" at the moment about a lady who's been caught with no insurance twice and most of the comments are along the lines of "why are you her friend". My first reaction is that she clearly needs help, not for everyone to slam doors in her face. But there you go. All MNers are perfect beings who never ever do anything wrong.

Fazackerley · 13/02/2019 08:32

It’s always been like this, no worse now than before

It most definitely hasn't always been like this.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 13/02/2019 08:33

I would say that I think a certain amount of directness on AIBU is to be expected - it's kind of the point - but no need to be rude or abusive.

But I see the AIBU mentality creeping into other areas like Chat and I don't think that's right.

Fazackerley · 13/02/2019 08:35

There are some real frothing mouthed nutters on AIBU. You have to filter that out

havingtochangeusernameagain · 13/02/2019 08:36

My grandmother always used to say "if you can't say anything nice, then saw something fucking horrible, because the wanker probably deserves it

Actually that made me laugh! She's probably right in some cases!

FriarTuck · 13/02/2019 08:37

Internet forums are not a good place for the anxious, mentally weak and easy offended
And yet actually internet forums are actually a good place for people with anxiety & mental health issues because they allow interaction without the issues involved in going out. So maybe all the rude & insensitive types should be the ones leaving as they can go and insult people in real life instead - I wonder how long they'd continue to do that Hmm

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/02/2019 08:47

What motivates someone who hasn’t been in MN for a long time, to start a snotty thread saying how awful some posters are only to then leave.

Who could be arsed? Hmm

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/02/2019 08:49

It definitely has always been like this. If anything it was a lot worse because mnhq were more lenient with what was allowed to be said and what was kept on the board.

youknowmedontyou · 13/02/2019 08:50

💤💤💤

Shouldn't OP be in flouncers corner....

FriarTuck · 13/02/2019 09:01

And yet another poster proves OP's point.....

Ringdonna · 13/02/2019 09:07

The good thing is tho you can pretend to be who you like and say what you like (within reason). Can be very entertaining.

Lweji · 13/02/2019 09:11

It most definitely hasn't always been like this.

Some people seem to wear rose tinted glasses or kept to nice topics.

MN always had a reputation for being a vipers nest.

WheelyCote · 13/02/2019 09:19

Been a mumsnetter for over a decade.

Ive come and disappeared at times because ive found MN goes through cycles.

It does seem on the uptrend of meaness at the moment. Itll cone back round.

And theres always corners of MN that arent as antagonistic as others. Youve just got to find your crowd :)

Lifecraft · 13/02/2019 09:31

My grandmother always used to say "if you can't say anything nice, then saw something fucking horrible, because the wanker probably deserves it

Actually that made me laugh!

That was the idea....sadly lost on WinterfellWench.

Moominfan · 13/02/2019 09:36

Can I just add, I've gotten a lot of support which outweighs the bitchiness. There was a really difficult period in mine and my sons life when my partner separated and I couldn't speak to anyone in rl. Mumsnet was the only place I could be honest. Did get some very blunt to the point responses but for the most part I've had support.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/02/2019 09:45

I agree Lweji. Either older posters are somehow forgetting how it used to be or the new ones have no experience of it. But it was definitely brutal.

Fazackerley · 13/02/2019 10:52

I was here when it started and it absolutely was not brutal. We all got to know each other. Obviously as its got bigger that's changed, which is fine. Some of the more frothing responses do make me question some poster's mental health nowadays though.