To think this is a bonkers opinion about childbirth

[Reallyreallyreally1]

So I had a baby boy 5 months ago and recently met up with some friends whose children are older. Haven’t seen them since the baby.

I generally don’t talk about the birth because no one really wants to know about someone else’s experience, but they did ask so I briefly told them (induction, back to back labour til fully dilated, pushing with episiotomy and forceps, emcs)

One of them said ‘so you’ve come away from that thinking that you know what it’s like to have a baby’. Wtf does that even mean? I said ‘I don’t get what you mean by that!’

She said ‘you’ve not given birth properly, you’ve not been in transition, you’ve only done the easy bit. So many women think they’ve given birth but they have no idea’.

I wasn’t sure what to say so we just changed the subject but it’s left a nasty taste in my mouth. Maybe she’s right and I’ve only had the easy bit (in which case I would hate to see the next bit!!) but surely no one really thinks like this about labour?
My other friend didn’t agree but didn’t necessarily disagree; she said that a section is the easy option but if your body can’t give birth properly then it’s not your fault

I’m not sure why I’m posting except to say- Aibu that this is not how normal people view childbirth?

Showofhands no wonder you had ptsd. You poor thing! I also had a failed manual rotation but didn’t realise at the time that’s what they were attempting. All such a blur.

I’m disappointed that other cs mums have been told that they don’t really know what birth is like. It’s a different scenario but it is still birth.

Sensitive information below about child loss, scroll past if it’s too upsetting

My cousin lost her dd right after birth but she had laboured a breech baby and delivered her vaginally. She is an absolute hero but she’s had people tell her that she doesn’t really know what having a baby is like because she didn’t have to breastfeed afterwards/have skin to skin/ look after a new baby when tired.
So I should realise really that some people are just absolute dicks.

ShowofHands
It is contemptible to treat women this way
Well said!

My sister had some horrendous complications with infection after her emcs. It took forever to heal and the whole experience put her off having anymore children.
I can't get my head around your friends OP. Imagine saying that to another woman! Their views are bizarre and completely inaccurate.

Also thanks for telling me I have been in transition now I feel dopey for not knowing what that was!

Actually, I've heard someone say this before - long before I had kids. And I remember thinking it was madness then.

I've had three easy vaginal births. I found the pain intense but that's all it was, pain. It was temporary and I didn't learn anything profound from it.

When people sell pain and suffering as the path to glorified concepts of mothering they are attempting to make you complicit in their own misogyny.

Urgh, it's not a competition, and if it was, you'd be right up there anyway, as you experienced some of the most difficult bits of birth - and ended up having to recover from both forceps and emcs!!

Am ELCS can be a very low pain option (not 100% pain free but it wasn't far off for me) but recovery for everyone is different and, crucially, its like night and day compared with an emergency section after a long and stressful labour!

Your friends sound awful.

What an idiot. You sound like you had an awful time of it. It’s not a bloody competition and there is no ‘correct’ way to give birth and you certainly did not have an easy option. I’m sure you’d have rather had a lovely quick uncomplicated birth.

Also she’s wrong. If you were fully dilated then you did go though transition (which is going from 7-10cm). Quite frankly having an instrumental and an emergency section is probably about the worse experience you could have recovery wise.

I sincerely hope this ignorant, offensive, bitchy woman is now an EX friend, OP!
Oh, and if they did give out medals for endurance in childbirth, you’d be up there on the podium. Have a hug.

I've done it both ways - emergency caesarian first time round, then a natural vaginal birth.

Each had it's pros and cons, but I'd far rather have a vaginal birth - took much less time to recover from, and I think my baby was less distressed and easier to settle, too - could have just been his personality, but I think the combination of his stress during labour, my anxiety, and being "pluck'd untimely from the womb" made for a baby that was very difficult to get into a routine.

I have never heard anyone say anything like that. Almost everyone in my antenatal classes (NHS) had sections for various reasons. Find some proper friends! I've had an emergency and elective section and nobody has said anything along those lines. Even if people had some misguided views about sections what kind of person actually expresses that to someone who has just had one??

Blimey, with friends like these eh? I had a completely elective section due to a previous traumatic birth that left me with PTSD, no way was I ever putting myself through vaginal birth again. If anyone ever tries to tell me that I didn't 'give birth' to DD I take great pleasure in agreeing with them and saying that I had her extracted. I find it takes the wind out of their sales somewhat. Bloody judgemental arseholes. You're well rid by the sound of it. You don't need 'friends' like that.

I knew someone who had this view - only she was the person who - like you - had ended up with an EMCS after a long labour that failed to progress! She honestly felt that she'd 'failed' and 'hadn't given birth properly' - despite ending up with a beautiful healthy baby.

I have no idea why some people think this way, it's a very unhealthy attitude.

What a ridiculous friend

Good for you OK for seeing through her that she's not your friends

I had two emcs, one with ds1 because of severe GD and one where I developed Hellp syndrome which hit with the worst pain I have ever felt whilst on a scan table that resulted in ds2 being born very early spending 7 weeks in nicu and me spending two in intensive care ,my vile Exmil as bad as she is heard a single comment about me "not giving birth properly " from a friend of hers and instantly threw the friend out of her house and ended a 20 year friendship

The women is and was Batshit but even she knew better than to entertain that bollocks

You have birth if a baby came out of your body that's the beginning and end of it , at whatever stage in whatever way and whatever happened afterwards you have birth

OP I had a vaginal birth and your birth sounds much more physically and emotionally traumatic than mine!!

I would never think a c section is the easy way out- fgs it’s major surgery. I haven’t seen many women up and walking normally 2 hours after a c section like I was after my vagibal birth and that’s because it’s a massive trauma for the body.

This is more common than you think. One lady in my anti natal group told me I was not a true mother having not gone through natural childbirth and was very disappointed I stopped bf at 12 weeks. I had an elective due to breech presentation and chose to do this after horrendous mini labour during previous miscarriage. My baby's wellbeing was more important than mine. Cs is not an easy option. I had two with post surgery infections and issues. She later went on to have an emergency section because she refused scans and wanted a twin home birth. Baby 1 was breech, cord dropped and she was asleep during the birth due to GA. Did that make her any less of a mother? No.

Giving birth is not a badge of honour for who suffered the most. FFS.

YANBU, OP.

Sounds like another woman trying to bring other women down. Too many for one morning! I must do some work now ...

I had a birth very similar to yours.. if anyone said that to me then I'd let rip.. I'd of given anything for a natural birth rather than have my lady parts cut open and my baby dragged out with forceps.. giving birth naturally is the 'easy way' if there even is such a thing.. it's nature.. we're all encourage to do it that way as that's the most natural and easiest to recover from... this woman is obviously extremely ignorant! No one deserves an opinion on anyone else's birth experience..

Back to back and forceps for 1st. C section for 2nd.

All Labours are different, the only non variable here is that your friend is a total arsehole.

I've had similar births to yours but the forceps worked. That does not make me "more of a mother" that makes me incredibly lucky. I have never had to have a CS and honestly that worries me much more than going through transition again (and I transition badly). My only hope for next delivery (pregnant now) is that I don't have to have a CS. Because I would actually rather have my vagina cut open and sewn back together but be able to lift the baby afterwards. I used to (naively, stupidly) think that CS were easier. But I know people who have had them and there recovery is so much harder. Sounds like you had the worst of everything @Reallyreallyreally1 I'm amazed you managed not to shout at them.

I think if someone said that to me I would walk away from them forever.

I had a three day 'prelabour' of continuous unrelenting contractions, mainly in my back, day and night with my first, 4cm dilation, induction with no further dilation and a c/s, my second I had 24 hours of the same followed by a c/s. Don't tell me I didn't have a baby, a lot of women I know who have had a vaginal birth went through a hell of a lot less and didn't get left with pain of a major surgery to boot.

One of my friends went in to labour then fell asleep and woke up at 10cm dilated before having a peaceful water birth.... one lucky lady lol. Another friend went in to labour, had half hour of labour then pushed her baby out, no tearing and went home a few hours later... another lucky lady IMO.

Everyone's experience is different, don't let your friend make you believe you don't know what birth is about.

Get some new friends. Preferably ones that don't have such a fragile sense of their own self worth that they have to play top trumps on giving birth. Having a baby's head emerge from your vagina doesn't make you a superior being.

You'll look back on this in a few years and laugh, trust me, but to say that to a new mother is pretty fucking twatty.

Your experience actually sounds really quite tough, and I hope that if you feel you need to go back over it at any point you can arrange a 'birth reflections' meeting/debrief with the hospital, I found mine very helpful.

Well she sounds like a knob

Shocked somebody said that to your cousin @Reallyreallyreally1
Unfortunately I have heard people (other mothers) be very negative about the experiences of women who have lost babies. Saying they are weird/morbid if they bring up still born baby or baby who died shortly after birth. Or that women who miscarry/stillbirth/baby dies aren't "real" mothers
Likewise if you don't breastfeed you don't "know what it feels like to bond with baby"
FFS
And the vitriol I've heard about step mothers who can't have or haven't had their own but have raised their husband/partners kids and even adopted mothers or those who used a surrogate is absolutely shocking.

I was similar to you OP but the forceps worked and I avoided the c-section. Surely giving birth any old how is "becoming a mother" (and you've put up with 9 months of pregnancy and the discomfort that comes with that).

Why do some women validate themselves by the sort of birth? It's very odd and very self-indulgent. Plus the fact it's not about the birth, it's about the way you bring up the child after that.

Horrible thing to say. She's not a friend!

My mother said the same to me in hospital, that I hadn't had the trauma of a natural birth. I was contracting for 3 days, had pre eclampsia, a uterine infection that led to sepsis, c section because the baby and I were both going to die without it and she was born with an infection she caught inside me. But no, I haven't had the trauma
People can be dicks.