To think this is a bonkers opinion about childbirth

[Reallyreallyreally1]

So I had a baby boy 5 months ago and recently met up with some friends whose children are older. Haven’t seen them since the baby.

I generally don’t talk about the birth because no one really wants to know about someone else’s experience, but they did ask so I briefly told them (induction, back to back labour til fully dilated, pushing with episiotomy and forceps, emcs)

One of them said ‘so you’ve come away from that thinking that you know what it’s like to have a baby’. Wtf does that even mean? I said ‘I don’t get what you mean by that!’

She said ‘you’ve not given birth properly, you’ve not been in transition, you’ve only done the easy bit. So many women think they’ve given birth but they have no idea’.

I wasn’t sure what to say so we just changed the subject but it’s left a nasty taste in my mouth. Maybe she’s right and I’ve only had the easy bit (in which case I would hate to see the next bit!!) but surely no one really thinks like this about labour?
My other friend didn’t agree but didn’t necessarily disagree; she said that a section is the easy option but if your body can’t give birth properly then it’s not your fault

I’m not sure why I’m posting except to say- Aibu that this is not how normal people view childbirth?

Some people love being able to refer to something dramatic they have expedience. She sounds like an insecure woman, who wants to believe she had an incredible difficult experience giving birth. (At a guess because it makes her feel special, gets her attention or get admiration.) Your doing pretty much what she did but having a traumatic intervention at the end is a threat to her being Number One in terrible time. Easier for her to dismiss your experience.

Had the same as you, high forceps and emsc. It's disturbing to both your body and mind!! I've had 'friend' say I didnt have a shocking time as her, and I was lying that a nurse had her arms under my armpit pulling my back up the bed as the doctor pulled at the other end with the forceps. It freaking hurt and I don't think it was easy if memory serves me well. shudders.

I find women that hold these views so strange. I’ve had four “normal” births and I’ve always thought that was easier than anything you’ve listed or a c-section (being major abdominal surgery, you know).

Transition is hard but not that hard - I just feel like I’ve had enough want to get up and go home - it’s an irrational thing like I can just decide not to go through with the birth. And it’s also a good sign because it means it’s nearly time to push.

I agree with others - friends don’t say things like that. I’ll bet she’s insecure about her own experience for some reason. It sounds to me like you had the hardest version of a vaginal birth and the hardest version of a c-sec (except perhaps an emergency general anaesthetic).

YABU. Did no one tell you childbirth is a competition? Every painful intervention and indignity you go through you also lose points! Fun.

The only way to win is to have a quick, but not too quick, ‘natural’, pain relief free waterbirth. You must produce a perfect, unblemished, correct gender baby and look glowing in the after photos. Anything else and you lose.

Honestly though, I hoped for a natural birth but had to be induced, laboured unsuccessfully for hours and finished with an emcs. By the time they wheeled me into theatre I just felt relief that we would both survive, that the pain was over and that I’d avoided badly damaging my nethers.

I never think about it now apart from when I see smug boasting posts about ‘natural’ births on FB. Then I smile, shrug and think those women don’t appreciate how it’s only luck that made that even possible.

Enjoy your baby. Steer clear of these mean girls in future.

That was a really horrible thing to say to a woman. It’s also utter bollocks but honestly I think that’s fairly irrelevant. I can’t imagine she’s a nice woman, and her/their lack of interest after the birth just confirm that.

Ah well, at least you've had it confirmed that they're twats.

I would vomit in my mouth if I had to hang around with such smug-mummy-martyrs. (Ok, I do have a friend like this - who I haven't seen much since she had her first child because this sort of thing is ALL SHE SAYS)

Jesus would some people actually prefer women still die in childbirth? I’m glad you and your child are okay OP, next time just say well if it wasn’t a emcs then I would be dead. Stop them in their tracks.

Stupid, horrible bitch. Her, not you, obviously. She wouldn't be my friend anymore.

She’s a weapons grade knob and definitely not a friend.

I’m another one who thinks that actually pushing the baby out is the easiest and least painful part of labour - you did the worst bit! The endless hours of contractions that feel like they are ripping your whole body apart

This must be more common than I thought. My hairdresser asked how everything went I said oh I ended up with an emergency c section. She replied oh so you haven’t given birth then. When I do it I want to make sure it’s properly otherwise you won’t feel close to your baby

As someone who has had both an emcs and a vaginal birth she's talking out her arse! I would go to great lengths (and did!) to avoid another section but at the end of the day it's the outcome that is important

Cannot bear oneupmanship amongst mothers. Sadly, you'll come across it a lot. There will be the early walkers/talkers/readers, brightest (and most misunderstood) child in the group/class, etc etc. Some mothers really get off on this stuff. Oh, and I forgot Competitive Breastfeeding!

I had my DC thirty odd years ago and it was the same then.

Ditch this person and find some nicer friends.

She is not a friend! She is an idiot with issues. Ditch!

She's nuts. If they got a baby out of there somehow, then you've had a baby.

I have wondered if this is something people say to console themselves for a banjaxed pelvic floor?

I honestly didn't believe that women like this really exist. The fucking 'easy bit'!!! Back to back, forceps, EMCS? I have been lucky enough to have two relatively straighforward births and from my perspective, the pushing WAS the easy bit. At least I had something to focus on and could get involved, finally, in what was happening to my body.

I would struggle to let this go, if I were you - I would at least want an opportunity to put her straight. Apart from anything else, it takes a real arsehole to be dismissive when someone is talking about their experience of childbirth - a momentous time in any woman's life, whatever happened.

By the sounds of things uv had a harder birth than standard..

Ignore it!

You have given birth properly otherwise where did the 5 month old come from? You have also been through transition as you were fullly dilated and pushing. The only thing you haven’t experienced is crowning (emergence of head from vagina) but I suspect the pain of forceps followed by surgery more than makes up for that!

Why do people in this day and age think that you have to experience pain and a vaginal delivery to give birth “properly”?! Who are they to decide what’s proper and what isn’t?! Wind the clock back a century and giving birth “properly” meant dying for a lot of women. I’ll take the improper option, thanks.

(1 induction, 1 spontaneous onset. Epidural both times, slept through the contracting/dilating/transition bit and woke up when I felt I needed to push. Easy. Probably not “proper” but who gives a monkeys.)

Why do people say stupid crap like this?

The easy bit? Ha! I went around for months after my first c section telling anyone who would listen 'Don't believe anyone who tells you a caesarian is the easy, less painful option. Yes, it's less painful than vaginal birth at the moment the baby actually arrives. But christ, it's bloody painful afterwards, for weeks at least. Definitely not the easy option!'. I was traumatised by it, frankly. And I never even went into labour so in theory I had the easiest delivery available.

There's not much you can do though except ignore, laugh and point out why she's wrong and stupid, or break ties with this woman.

Congratulations OP on baby. You have successfully brought a life into this world, despite your friend thinking that you conjured up a baby out of thin air
That's idiotic, untrue and hurtful of your friend. She sounds like a patronising, self-righteous pita.
You had a similar birth to mine with DS1 by the sounds of it. Too late for the emcs though, despite me begging. But the back to back labour was the most agonising thing I've ever experienced. 27 hours of it before they gave me an epidural.
DS2 I had no pain relief (too late) and it was obviously painful but by far the worst birth was DS1 and that labour. And subsequent recovery took months. I still get back pain now, over 13 years later.
Tell you friend to poke her narrow minded views on childbirth up her bum

As long as you have a healthy baby it doesn’t matter how she came into the world. You did everything, you carried for nine months and you got your baby out safe and sound.
We are lucky to have medical help when we need it.
Ignore you so called friend, enjoy your beautiful baby. You have done well! Have some flowers .

Imagine what her weird opinions on everything else related to parenting will be and find some new mum friends.

What is it with some women who seem to want to compete for the most pain they were in and insist their birth was harder than anyone's. If this woman was presented with a magic pill that would have magic'd her baby into life with no need to give birth at all, she still probably wouldn't have taken it, just so she could get a badge of honour for being in paaaain. Pathetic!

She is not a friend.

Your "friends" are both knobs - either dim and clueless, or actively rude and undermining and mean. Saying your body couldn't give birth "properly"!?? Fuck that!!

Find new friends and ditch the pair of them, this is only the start - next it'll be competitive one-upmanship about feeding bottle or breast, when to start solids, purées or BLW, cosleeping or CIO, hitting milestones, growth/weight, faux concern about what size clothes your baby is in compared to theirs. And then later on, it'll be about childcare, how much their DHs do with the kids, what school their kids are going to, what book band are they on, what times table are they learning now etc etc. It will never end with such a pair of judgemental twats.

I had a crash cs after 8hrs at fully dilated, failed ventouse, failed manual rotation, cs was done with forceps as dd was stuck and I haemorrhaged, dd was injured.

I have been told by several people that a cs was "the easy option" and I'm not as magnanimous as you because I had PTSD and pnd so I cried, shouted and hated myself for years. My SIL was one of the sneery fuckers who went on to have an emcs with her 7th and then went very quiet on the subject.

It is contemptible to treat women this way

She sounds awful.
I hate any kind of comparison and putting one mode of birth as ‘easier’ than the other. Vaginal birth and cesearean birth can be hard/traumatic. They are both ‘giving birth’ though regardless.

As others have said you had been through transition, had you not?

I actually think it sounds like you had the worst and hardest of both.

She sounds mental & nasty. I would distance, then drop. other one not much better.