To think that my teen shouldn't be waking up all night

[BlitheringIdiots]

DS13 has always been a good sleeper. Head hitting pillow and going straight through until I wake him for school. However in the past 3-6 months he's been going to sleep as usual and then waking up an hour later complaining he can't sleep

Take tonight as an example. Lights out 9pm. Asleep almost straight away. Then 10.15pm the tell tale creak of the stairs and he's at the lounge door. Back upstairs and a cuddle and a pep talk and I thought all good. Just about to get in bed myself at 11.15 and here he is again complaining of a headache and saying been awake for the past hour. Sent back to bed again with me sitting on bed quietly talking to find out what's wrong. Turns out nothing and headache goes.

We can then have this for a few nights before maybe a week of good sleeping again

IS this normal teen sleep issues? He can't go to sleep any later than 9pm because he's yawning as it is

Screens off by 8pm and then he reads for about 45 minutes before he calls me to say goodnight.

At wits end here and don't know how to help him. Anyone?

I feel sorry for your DS being banished from the family so that you can watch 'your' TV at 8pm!
We have 2 teens and some of our best chats are had whilst watching TV. My youngest is 14 now, but we all watch things like nature programmes, history stuff (back in time etc), things like strictly, bake off etc, some sport, music things. Sometimes we watch something which is more 'their' thing ef modern music, so that they can teach us.

I also think lights out at 9 is too early, especially with a get up at 7. Mine used to head up at about that time, saying goodnight before going, and then trusted to read for about 30mins, before turning light out. Get up at 6.45 and DD needed her sleep. Ds could easily cope with far less.

Good god - please don't change your night time routine with him because some randoms on the internet say so! Honesty just ignore those saying you shouldn't be tucking him in. If he likes it then do it

Just give him an extra bit of screen time in the evening. He's clearly just anxious so be nice and reassuring and this phase will pass

9pm for a 13 year old? My 6 year old sleeps at 9 most nights!! We aim for 8:30pm, but she never sleeps until 9 and sometimes later like 9:30am! She is up by 7:30am. Perhaps try letting your dc sleep at 9:45pm (screens should be off two hours before bed). Or perhaps no screens during the week at all if you can!

Oh FGS he's not banished. He chooses to play on laptop. After homework and dinner it's sometimes 7.30 before we are all done and he likes to spend some time on his hobby. Are you saying he is to be stopped from doing that? That's really going to be a nice household if we do that!

Had a quick chat before I left for work and he's going to think today about what he wants but he's adamant he wants computer time and doesn't want to sit down with us on a weeknight after school etc. He says he likes weekends as he stays up and watches things together but that he likes his down time but wishes he could have more computer time. So we've made a plan to discuss later and come up with a solution that he likes. We have a very good relationship and he can tell me anything at all without issue.

He's thirteen - why are you sending him to bed so early? By all means get him off the laptop and phone by 9pm but why can't he sit quietly and watch TV with you?

Some of my best family memories at that age were staying up and watching TV with my dad when my mum worked - we watched things like Blackadder, Fawlty Towers, HIGNFY - it was great.

Find some family friendly stuff on Netflix and record your shows to watch after he goes to bed. If you won't allow him to sit in his room on his laptop or phone then you're going to have accept that he's up later in the evenings with you downstairs. At thirteen I wasn't going up to bed until 10pm let alone to sleep at that time.

Will try to find some TV shows we can all watch but there isn't a lot at that age that's not too old for him or just cartoons.

At that age, most children are fine with most adult programmes: you don't have to go off searching for something specially picked. When my children were 13, they either watched what we watched or did their own thing, we didn't feel the need to censor beyond, perhaps, counting out the odd programme where there were specific warnings beforehand about their content.

Random one here - is he warm enough in bed?

Also second a drink of hot milk, apparently it contains a muscle relaxant.

He says he likes weekends as he stays up and watches things together but that he likes his down time but wishes he could have more computer time.

Can’t he have his computer until 8 and then it’s up to him if he’s in his room or downstairs until (his new) bedtime?

It’s a bit contradictory because before you were saying that he comes wandering down to see you but now he doesn’t want to spend time with you.

I think you need to have a little faith and conviction in how YOU parent as opposed to putting things in place that don't suit you or your family just because someone on mumsnet thinks it might be right

People on here are just going to jump in the bits and pieces of your op that leap out to them. Only you know the dynamics and your son.

OP, I think you have to consider the fact that if you don't allow your son some kind of independence, at least by letting him choose to an extent his own bedtime, you could well find him rebelling in a few years.

Some advice I found very helpful and soothing when I was younger was that it doesn’t matter if you go to sleep or not. Just resting with your eyes closed is very good for you too. It decreased my anxiety about not being able to sleep and worrying that I wouldn’t get enough sleep.

Some of you must be pretty harsh on your 13 year olds emotionally if you think it's odd to want to have someone say goodnight to you.

It's fine to have someone say goodnight to you, but at that age I would just say night and go bed myself, nobody needed to come with me, and I would have felt like a primary schooler if I did. I guess what I find "odd" is that he comes to find you if he can't sleep I stead of just getting on with it, unless he were ill.

lonely. He's probably hungry too. He's not 9 OP

Why would he be hungry ??

Sounds like anxiety. Maybe try some kalms before bedtime?

Around that age I developed insomnia. It doesn’t always mean having trouble getting to sleep, it can also be trouble staying asleep. To this day I wake four or five times a night. I find it helps reading for a bit or doing something rather than lying there getting anxious about being awake. If this is the case though and none of the previous suggestions work, he will need to learn to manage it for himself. I do think a later bedtime might help too

I think your relationship with your son sounds lovely. I've always been so close with my parents and hope my children will be the same with me.
The only time I wake up in the night really is if something is playing on my mind, so like you said could be a bit of anxiety.

My initial thought was that he must be stressed about something. Could this be the case? As many others have said try a later bedtime. My 6 year year started getting up frequently like yours. I started putting him to bed an hour later and the problem's been resolved.

No more 'tucking in' just a night love job. And letting him choose natural lights out (before 10 tho).

Don't do this, there is nothing wrong with tucking in your boy and kissing him goodnight, until he says he doesn't want it anymore. Boys and girls need love and affection whatever age until they say no.

Just let him play on his games longer and go to bed later. My DD goes to bed at 10.30 at 13 yes many people will say its too late but she is fine getting up at 7.00 and by the time she finishes whatever club she is at in the evening and does homework that is when she gets to bed, and I still kiss her goodnight and tuck her in.

Does he do any clubs in the evenings? Try Air Cadets my DD does Air Cadets and loves it. Maybe he needs a bit more going on in his life now he is getting older. Our Cadets is Tuesday/Thursday 7.15 - 9.30. DD goes just one night because she does so many other clubs. You can go one night or two.

It sounds. Like 9pm is too early and he isn't tired enough going to bed.

Have you checked his phone? Could he be worried about you seeing a message pop up?
My dd is 12 and asleep by 9 every night. She's up at half six for school. Any later and she struggles to get going.
She listens to a meditation track before she goes to sleep which helps her.

I am genuinely surprised to read that some pp are happy to let their children aged 12/13 stay up to 10pm, and watch programmes after the watershed with them.
Why?
There is no way I would want my dc watching what we do after 9pm. We don’t always watch TV either. We could be having dinner and talking, or booking a holiday etc. Most of the TV after 9 is totally inappropriate. I can only think of a few exceptions such as cold feet etc. So no, dd isn’t welcome to watch adult TV. We have family tv time at the weekend aimed at children.

Secondly the dc must be very tired the next day. Well rested children do well academically and socially.

I also think being hugged, kissed, sharing a bed time chat and connecting with your child, as you tuck them in is one of the greatest pleasures in life. My teens love that time with me, it is often the time they confide in me about their worries.

Staying connected to your child is paramount during the teen years. Of course it takes effort to haul your backside up to their room, and depends if the child is welcoming of your presence. Assuming they are, it can prove to be a very good use of your time.

I am genuinely surprised to read that some pp are happy to let their children aged 12/13 stay up to 10pm, and watch programmes after the watershed with them.

Firstly, staying up until 10pm at 13 years old is hardly abnormal or weird. When I was that age I don't know anyone who went to bed before then unless they had ridiculously early starts.

Secondly - what is unsuitable about programmes like Great British Bake Off, Masterchef, Have I Got News for You - all of which are on at 9pm or later? Or what about programmes like Friends which are often on late on Comedy Central? Or maybe people watch box sets or catch up programmes or films?

We're no longer restricted to having to watch programmes live you know!

My DD stays up later, combination of clubs and homework. She is fine and doing well at school.

She still gets 8 - 9 hours most nights.

I used to read till 11.00 ish when I was her age and get up at 7.00, I just didn’t need that much sleep and still don’t.

Not all DC are the same.

Most of the TV after 9 is totally inappropriate.

What on earth are you watching, Springwalk? There's masses of stuff that's on after 9 that is completely appropriate; nor, indeed, does a 13 year old really need to be sheltered even from the occasional depiction of violence - after all, they're covering topics like wars and the holocaust at school. If a child of that age goes to bed at 10 and is up around 7-8, that's plenty of sleep.

I used to lay in bed worrying about death, terrorism, murder and kidnappings between the ages of 11-14. Rarely fell asleep before 1am, and not for lack of trying. Turns out, I have GAD and it was undiagnosed until I was 18.

If he's worrying, don't assume it's school stuff and normal teen stuff. Life and world talks will help to figure things out.