She came to my door stop and started screaming at me!!

[PupsAndKittens]

So for some (not particularly relevant) background, I am 19 and also have ASD ( I identify as HF. I know that some people don’t believe in HF, but that’s how I chose to identify myself as I feel that is what best represents me. )

I was fortunate enough to have a job trial on Sunday. I have been unemployed for six months now ( last job was great but unfortunately was a summer temp ).

I do not currently drive, so I politely asked DBF if she would take me. She kindly said yes. I asked because trains are doable but awkward on a Sunday so was just wondering if she could help me out. (BTW Job is roughly 35 minutes in the car, and usually on weekdays and Saturdays, 30 minutes on train – no changes )

The day before the trial, I went out for lunch with DBF and her DM. DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial, and that she wished that DD had not agreed to take me in the first place. On the drive home from lunch, DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ( I asked her to define “busy“, and she replied with “stuff“). Anyway she said would let me know in the morning.

The next morning I got up, and messaged DBF to see if you could still take me. This was about 7 o’clock in the morning (I do understand that this is very early and was not expecting an answer straight away). However when I looked back at 8:30: no answer. I appreciate that 8:30 is still fairly early, but she knew that if I was to get the train I would need to leave in about 15 minutes. I decided to ring her DM and asked if DBF could still take me. She said she would ask and get back to me. About five minutes later I got a text through from DBF saying she would take me followed by a quick call from DBFs M, confirming the text as well as wishing me good luck (I thought this was very sweet and said thank you).

DBF picks me up and drives me to the interview. I said that I will pay her some petrol money, in which she said don’t worry about it at the moment. I then went and had my job interview/trial. While I thought that it went well, unfortunately I have reason to believe that on this occasion I have been unfortunate, as I feel there are too many factors going against me on this occasion. However I was pleased with how I performed in the trial and thought the people that I was working with where charming.

After the trial I rang DBF to see where she wanted to meet. There were a few shops I need to go round but due to the probable outcome of the trial, I felt very down and just really wanted to go home. One of the shops we did go in was Poundland as I desperately needed some new earplugs, as I didn’t have any as they were all broken My friend wanted to buy a car charger but was 20p short as her phone had died, which is what she used to buy things. So I offered that I would pay. she refused, but I insisted. After a few more shops we decided to Head home. Due to me not eating I asked if we could go for the MackieD drive-through. I ended up having to change my order, as the burger I wanted was 6 pounds on its own and I refused to pay that. There was then some issues with the drive-through as basically they forgot my order! So a bit anoyed, went in and had to pick it up. So a McDonald’s which should’ve taken one minute, ended up taking about seven minutes!

On the journey back we listen to music though a Bluetooth speaker. I do appreciate that I might of been slightly self-indulgent with being disappointed that I didn’t think I got it. But DBF didn’t seem to say anything. Near the end of the journey I deliberately chose the song “Days” by Kirsty MacColl to show my gratitude for all she did for me that day. When she dropped me off she seems absolutely fine and normal.

I have been home for about 20 minutes, when I had DBFs car pull up outside. I sensibly thought that I had forgotten something or picked somethings up In error: WRONG!! I answer the door to find her DM screaming that I am a ungrateful piece of st! And that I was a nightmare all day, as I was unsociable as I had my headphones in all day (er going back to poundland). When I try to defend myself and say I literally have done none of these things, she called me a liar. She went on to say how she needed her DDs help and that I just abused her! Transpires that she was angry because I didn’t give petrol money even though she asked me not to! All the things she said about me were completely fabricated and not true at all!

This really upset me so much: I actually ended up crying myself to sleep. Which is rare!

I had to leave college early today, as I was just so down I couldn’t concentrate on anything. This is where things get really strange! As I was walking back from the train station, guess who I hear: DBF caling my nick-name! I tell her that we need to talk, but she tells me she can’t as she will miss her train (she had 10 minutes!). I say to her that I didn’t appreciate her DM screaming at my front door. She said I know it was out of order and have told her off. I then tried to give her the money, but she literally just ran off like The Bloody White Rabbit, saying she was late. Unbelievable!

Not so much a AIBU, but more of a WWYD? DBF is like a sister to me and I really don’t want to ruin our friendship over this. But I would like some advice on how to go forward. Thank you

I can't believe how many people failed to read the OP's post.

Suggesting she apologise for making the friend go shopping when it was the friend who wanted to and OP would have rather gone home but went along with the shopping to be polite FFS.

I have ASD and I'm quite a bit older than you, OP. In your situation I'd have offered to pay for the friend's food at McDonalds (not sure whether you did or not) and while I can see that playing a special song on the way home is sweet and meaningful to you, I wouldn't have assumed that your friend understood what it symbolised (but I'd totally have done so when I was 19, so I'm not trying to be critical).

Honestly, the idea that that someone should have to offer petrol money multiple times before it's accepted is just ridiculous. Things like that, I'll ask once, maybe with 'are you sure? I'd like to pay' if they say no. Asking lots of times or leaving the money in their car after they've declined it just seems bizarre. As does the idea that someone can be offered money, turn it down, and then be annoyed that they didn't get it.

Ultimately, though, whether or not you think OP was taking advantage of the friend's generosity, there is absolutely no excuse for someone screaming at her through the letterbox.

What I mean is I said “ so are you still taking me or are you are you busy” and she said yes with stuff.

I think the above is her telling you she was too busy to take you to be honest.
But remove the whole day from the situation, your friend was rushing for her train and hasn't managed to have a conversation with you but said her mothers actions are nothing to do with her. Take those words at face value!
I know what it's like to be stuck in the middle. She cant really tell her mom off who is a grown woman, she's told you lots nothing to do with her. Shes stuck between a rock and a hard place and probably just wants to forget the whole embarrassing ordeal.
Just text her and ask if shes okay and thank her for the left again.

I think you need a clear resolution so you can move on.

Pop some petrol money and a note in the envelope saying ‘I’ve been trying to pay you money but you keep running away. Get in touch when your ready too’

Then pop it through her door and walk away. Done knock or anything just post it.

Now she needs space. No more texts or calling. The matter is resolved if she wants to stay friends let her come to you.

If her mum shows up behaving like that again ring the police to remove her.

I’m sorry your day with your friend, which I’m guessing you perhaps thought would be a nice day didn’t go to plan.

Other posters have given good advice about when people say yes and mean no. I won’t add to it.

What I wanted to do was to look at things from your friend’s point of view. Assuming she is a similar age and at college she is, like you trying to work out her place in the world. While she may not be dealing with ASD she still has to navigate the tricky path of other people’s desires while she herself may want something completely different.

It’s possible she’s a people pleaser who is trying to please you and her mum. Not managing this, and feeling stressed that her whole day turned into enabling your needs, she has had a moan to her Mum and Mum has gone off the deep end. Mum should not have screamed at you though - clearly.

What your friend needs, is to be able to say no to both of you. I think you may have taken this on board OP and will ask her to say no when she means it in future. Her Mum may be harder work and you can’t change that situation OP, but you can offer your friend support when she needs it.

Her mother sounds like a controlling twat. You sound very nice.

^ This. Honestly she sounds like a right piece of work.

I wondered if friend had additional needs herself too. How long has she been driving, is she confident and does she normally drive that distance

Yes, I wondered that too. If she is 19 as well, she may not have been driving that long herself and the mother may have thought you were taking advantage. If the friend is ‘completely bankrupt’, how does she pay for the car? Or is it the mum’s car?! If so, I can sort of see why she was so cross.

How long was the trial as well, OP-how long did the friend have to wait for you?

I advise you to go and get a thank you card, address it to your friend with a ten pound note inside for petrol, seal it and post it through her door.

I then advise you to not mention it again and move on.

Don't ask people for lifts, be more inclined towards doing things independently. Don't phone people at 7.30am in the morning and don't contact people's mothers when you haven't heard back from them. Learn to drop things with good grace. Be more mindful.

Very sensible and sound advice, @poglets

OP I have a DD who is a higher functioning autistic. She takes things literally so I understand why you didn't pay petrol money when your friend said not to. Your detailed first post is also familiar as DD is very precise and detailed. People must try and understand the way you are , which is not your fault. It is my birthday in a few days time and DD is very likely to ignore it! I don't get upset or offended , she is studying a very difficult masters degree so her time and energy is focused on that. My DD likes being a higher functioning autistic and pities NT's! I like her positive attitude. All the best OP.

Aspergers as a diagnosis no longer exists. I have a diagnosis of ASC and the practitioner that diagnosed me has written in the report that I have an Aspergers type presentation. So yes Aspergers can be descriptive somewhat but it does seem some have the perception that Aspergers or HFA aren't 'that bad' - this is why I as an autistic person have problems with functioning labels. Many would consider me 'HF' as I have the ability to mask well but that doesn't mean I don't get non verbal under intense stress.

@SileneOliveira the OP was identifying as 'High Functioning' the autism diagnosis presented as fact.

Lots of people unable to actually read properly here.

People must try and understand the way you are

And the OP must try to understand her friend as well. I would be interested if the OP could answer some of my earlier questions-they May explain her situation a bit.

@Holidayshopping I'm pretty sure the OP is trying to do just that, hence the thread... but bear in mind the OP has an actual disability which makes this difficult.

Or are we back to the days where disabled people should just suck it up for the benefit of non disabled people?

but bear in mind the OP has an actual disability which makes this difficult.

Indeed and hence my question. From what the OP says, I was wondering if the friend also had some additional needs which would complicate the situation.

How the hell are autistic people meant to manage in this country where nobody says what they actually mean?

Fucking hell. The attitude of a lot of posters on this thread basically seems to be ‘can’t autistic people just try a bit harder to not be autistic’. It’s like being in a bloody time warp.

Maybe neurotypical people could, instead of piling on like angry, judgmental lemmings, try and be a bit more understanding of and accommodating towards neurodivergent people? Or is that too much to ask?

Well I haven't had time to read all replies but I am sorry your day went so wrong and that woman had no right to treat you as she did. My son has Aspergers and I recognise from your reply that you tried very hard to get things right and conform to what people generally expect and I say you did really well. You thought through offering petrol money, were grateful and expressed that well and in my opinion you did nothing wrong.
In fact I will go against the grain to say that your friend should know you well enough to know to be completely straightforward and clear in her reply to your request for a lift. She should have just given you a straight no so you could make other arrangements and not been ambiguous . You sound like you are doing great and well done on the interview even if this time it was not the outcome you wanted. You did well and it is all good experience. Chin up, put it down to experience and get back out there is my advice .
I think you sound lovely and I hope you can clear the air with your friend but her mother sounds awful and there was no justification for her treatment of you. X

@LilaJude 🙌

You have taken some stick on here OP! I think, after reading the thread that you and your bestie have the same problem in this situation - her mother! I worry that your friend might have told her half truths to save herself the shouting you got.
My suggestions for your next steps are:

Distance yourself from her mother
She is not your friend. She is frankly batshit and you don’t need that in your life. Don’t agree any outing that Includes her. Don’t go to her house. You may have autism but this woman is a controlling cow.

Have a chat with your friend
You seem very close to her so it be that she just needs reminding that you just don’t get vague. You weren’t trying to put her on the spot about about giving you a lift, you just needed a yes or no to make arrangements ( nothing to do with your autism there)
I would tell her that you won’t ask for lifts in the future but if you do anything that upsets or offends her, she needs to let you know. This is a big part of friendship.

I’d also talk to your parents about the whole thing and ask for their advice. They know you enough to know what you may have got right or wrong (I don’t think you did anything wrong here) but I also think that as a mum of a socially awkward child I would be setting the mother straight myself and telling her what my boundaries are regarding my daughter! But that’s me, not your parents. It would still be worth getting there input as I fear your frienship with you friend is changing because of external pressures ( her batshit mother)
Be kind to yourself, no ones perfect and we all learn everyday. This is just another lesson.

Imagine having to live or work with some of the people on this thread

@Patroclus I do.... it's what most autistics have to do, unfortunately. That's why we have to engage in hugely mentally damaging masking - sod our mental health as long as neurotypical people are comfy, eh?

I messaged DBF after the incident ( she hung up every time I try to ring her) and basically asked her what the hell was going on. See basically told me that she had no idea, she was in a part of it and that me and her are fine.

If she repeatedly hung up, the two of you are not "fine".

Why not get her a small thank you gift - or take her out for coffee?

I appreciate that if you aren't working cash will be tight, but you saved the cost of your train fare - let her know you appreciate all of the time she spent helping you get to the interview and keeping calm.

The DM was very wrong to scream at you. I have a daughter your age and I can't imagine getting involved with her issues with her friends. It really isn't any of her business.

Regarding your relationship with your friend there does seem to be a lot of miscommunication between you. Your friend is presumably rather non confrontational and doesn't say exactly how she feels which is a big problem considering that you aren't able to pick up on subtle hints.

Perhaps ask her out for coffee and cake (you pay!) and discuss with her that she needs to be clearer when she doesn't want to do something. You could also think about whether what you are asking is reasonable in the first place though. If you are dealing with someone who doesn't like to say no try not to put them in a position where they have to. I don't think I would ask even DH to get up early on a Sunday to give me a lift somewhere if I could get a train.

As for petrol money, I wouldn't accept either. It isn't that much for a 35 minute drive. The main issue is the time and inconvenience. Next time, offer to buy lunch.