She came to my door stop and started screaming at me!!

[PupsAndKittens]

So for some (not particularly relevant) background, I am 19 and also have ASD ( I identify as HF. I know that some people don’t believe in HF, but that’s how I chose to identify myself as I feel that is what best represents me. )

I was fortunate enough to have a job trial on Sunday. I have been unemployed for six months now ( last job was great but unfortunately was a summer temp ).

I do not currently drive, so I politely asked DBF if she would take me. She kindly said yes. I asked because trains are doable but awkward on a Sunday so was just wondering if she could help me out. (BTW Job is roughly 35 minutes in the car, and usually on weekdays and Saturdays, 30 minutes on train – no changes )

The day before the trial, I went out for lunch with DBF and her DM. DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial, and that she wished that DD had not agreed to take me in the first place. On the drive home from lunch, DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ( I asked her to define “busy“, and she replied with “stuff“). Anyway she said would let me know in the morning.

The next morning I got up, and messaged DBF to see if you could still take me. This was about 7 o’clock in the morning (I do understand that this is very early and was not expecting an answer straight away). However when I looked back at 8:30: no answer. I appreciate that 8:30 is still fairly early, but she knew that if I was to get the train I would need to leave in about 15 minutes. I decided to ring her DM and asked if DBF could still take me. She said she would ask and get back to me. About five minutes later I got a text through from DBF saying she would take me followed by a quick call from DBFs M, confirming the text as well as wishing me good luck (I thought this was very sweet and said thank you).

DBF picks me up and drives me to the interview. I said that I will pay her some petrol money, in which she said don’t worry about it at the moment. I then went and had my job interview/trial. While I thought that it went well, unfortunately I have reason to believe that on this occasion I have been unfortunate, as I feel there are too many factors going against me on this occasion. However I was pleased with how I performed in the trial and thought the people that I was working with where charming.

After the trial I rang DBF to see where she wanted to meet. There were a few shops I need to go round but due to the probable outcome of the trial, I felt very down and just really wanted to go home. One of the shops we did go in was Poundland as I desperately needed some new earplugs, as I didn’t have any as they were all broken My friend wanted to buy a car charger but was 20p short as her phone had died, which is what she used to buy things. So I offered that I would pay. she refused, but I insisted. After a few more shops we decided to Head home. Due to me not eating I asked if we could go for the MackieD drive-through. I ended up having to change my order, as the burger I wanted was 6 pounds on its own and I refused to pay that. There was then some issues with the drive-through as basically they forgot my order! So a bit anoyed, went in and had to pick it up. So a McDonald’s which should’ve taken one minute, ended up taking about seven minutes!

On the journey back we listen to music though a Bluetooth speaker. I do appreciate that I might of been slightly self-indulgent with being disappointed that I didn’t think I got it. But DBF didn’t seem to say anything. Near the end of the journey I deliberately chose the song “Days” by Kirsty MacColl to show my gratitude for all she did for me that day. When she dropped me off she seems absolutely fine and normal.

I have been home for about 20 minutes, when I had DBFs car pull up outside. I sensibly thought that I had forgotten something or picked somethings up In error: WRONG!! I answer the door to find her DM screaming that I am a ungrateful piece of st! And that I was a nightmare all day, as I was unsociable as I had my headphones in all day (er going back to poundland). When I try to defend myself and say I literally have done none of these things, she called me a liar. She went on to say how she needed her DDs help and that I just abused her! Transpires that she was angry because I didn’t give petrol money even though she asked me not to! All the things she said about me were completely fabricated and not true at all!

This really upset me so much: I actually ended up crying myself to sleep. Which is rare!

I had to leave college early today, as I was just so down I couldn’t concentrate on anything. This is where things get really strange! As I was walking back from the train station, guess who I hear: DBF caling my nick-name! I tell her that we need to talk, but she tells me she can’t as she will miss her train (she had 10 minutes!). I say to her that I didn’t appreciate her DM screaming at my front door. She said I know it was out of order and have told her off. I then tried to give her the money, but she literally just ran off like The Bloody White Rabbit, saying she was late. Unbelievable!

Not so much a AIBU, but more of a WWYD? DBF is like a sister to me and I really don’t want to ruin our friendship over this. But I would like some advice on how to go forward. Thank you

I have no idea why everyone is focussing on your autism, when it's crystal clear that both your friend and her Mum are mad.

No normal Mum shows up to shout through a letterbox at her adult daughter's best friend. Just no. That is way, way beyond acceptable behaviour. And what's up with the lying? It sounds like your friend is lying to her Mum about your behaviour, which is also v wierd.

The worst you did - and it's fairly minor -was pressure your friend to drive you after she expressed doubts. You should have decided to take the train at that point. However, she is your BF and she had previously agreed to drive you to a job interview, which is an important commitment and one she should have stuck to. Backing out of that agreement would have been poor.

Honestly, she did you a favour. You thanked her profusely and offered her petrol money. That really should be it. That's how friendship works.

You are not the one with the social skills problem here.

The ASD is important here, the OP can’t detect the same social cues as others therefore may not have read the signs that her friend did not want to go.

It does sound like the mother who has the issue not your friend.

The friend and her mum didn’t want to take you to the trial, your friend said as much when she said she wa busy with ‘stuff’. I think she finds it hard to say no to you. At that point you should have made alternative arrangements. Your bf was trying to be kind by dropping hints, instead of telling you clearly.

However there is no way the mother should ever have shouted at you.
I am astonished she would do this.

What did your parents say?
Do they know about your HF?

Please stay away from the mother, she sounds unstable. Your bf sounds stuck between you.

Was going to say the same as fordperfect. 19, go to college, have a son with anxiety and say the people at the interview were “charming”.

I know a lot of teenagers and charming is a very unusual word to them.

There were no social cues issues.

For e.g. the OP states, that before going into the interview/trial, she was speaking to the driver (DBF) about paying her money for the petrol. In the OP's own words, the driver (dbf) said don't worry about that NOW! Now! As in not don't worry about it at all, just don't worry about it at all. I'm surprised that an OP who appears to pick things up literally, didn't pick that particular piece up.

OP can I ask how you would have expected to get to work every day if you had gotten the job?

It is unreasonable for any adult to storm around and start shouting at you. The mother is definitely unreasonable for that.

I don't think your behaviour with your friend seems unreasonable but maybe she felt an unintended pressure and complained to her mother about it. However her mother should have stayed out of it. I agree with pp that you should ask your friend to be more direct with you if she doesn't want to do something.
Don't discount that maybe your friend was just in a bad mood and it's nothing to do with you really!

Her ASD and weakness at picking up social cues are not the problem, though. OP, you sound really aware of how your autism affects your social behaviour. I think you should be proud of yourself.

The thing is, lots of people are socially maladjusted for all sorts of reasons. Like the Mum who insults you and shouts at you, and her daughter who lies about your behaviour to stir up her agressive mother.

Lol. NTs saying autistics should try harder to understand NT nuance.

How about NTs trying to understand our disability and say what they mean? Makes life much more straightforward for everyone.

(Fingers crossed Dame is sick of enough posters to not come back)
OP
A couple of points to take away:

1. Your friends mother is awful and should never have shouted at you. It would have really upset most people. You did nothing to deserve that.
2. The only big mistake was not picking up on 'I'm busy'.
3. Never post in AIBU it attracts loads of twats. Many of whom don't have the sensitivity or knowledge to offer useful advice.
4. Do something nice today to cheer yourself up.

have a son with anxiety

The OP clarified that by DS she meant sister not son.

Was going to say the same as fordperfect. 19, go to college, have a son with anxiety and say the people at the interview were “charming”.

I know a lot of teenagers and charming is a very unusual word to them.

@Mayrhofen

19 and at college is normal.

It's her SISTER with anxiety, again, normal

Unusually old fashioned words such as "Charming", in the context of a 19 year old girl with ASD, again, normal.

I suggest you stop being weird.

@PupsAndKittens

You've had a communication error. Specifically, when someone says they are "busy" with "Stuff", this is code for "I don't want to do the thing you are asking me to do and I feel awkward talking about it, please don't ask me any more"

Secondly, your friend's mother sounds CRACKERS and I'd go with your parents' judgement on this. Avoid her.

What’s strange about being at college at 19? That’s where you are supposed to be when you are 19.

@Mayrhofen

Maybe you should encourage the teenagers you know to go to college. Up their vocabulary a bit.

Sorry about the job op.
Your friends mum doesn’t sound very understanding. Arrange to do something nice with your friend as a thank you (everyone likes cake).

It is a shame as would have been a good way for the mum and her daughter to learn a bit about Autism and think about how they deal with it really rather than blaming the OP. Or how they deal with people in general.

I'm sorry but I don't think your friend is that nice.

She's the one shit stirring with her mother, she's the one who is allowing her mother to have a go at you. After all her mother would not know all the details had your friend not told her. And at your age there is no reason for her to have such an in depth conversation about your journey.

I would let it lie, and if possible not ask this friend for any favours for the time being.

Go to college do not let these 2 people derail your studies.

Honestly the mum sounds bizarre. No wonder the friend is afraid of confrontation.

When someone is being vague and not giving a clear answer it usually means they don’t want to do it or are not interested. I learnt the hard way too, op!

I think so many people are missing the fact that you have Autism. What seems clear to them is not clear to you.

I would stay away from the mother. Get your friend a gift and ask her to just tell you bluntly in future and that you won’t be offended.

I agree with other posters that this is about picking up cues, which must be incredibly difficult if you have Aspergers and are reliant on people saying what they actually mean.

Friends DM had an issue with her DD taking you, thats why the DD said she was busy. At that point, the right thing to do was say that you'd get the train - at which point, even more confusingly the DD would likely respond that in fact she wasn't that busy and would take you as originally planned.

Sorry I skim read the Macdonald's bit, but did you pay for your friends meal ? Again socially that would be the right thing to do, complaining about the cost of it makes you sound as if you don't want to pay for someone elses food.Also listening to a headset when your friend is driving you somewhere is rude. If you have to do it to stay calm, then you need to state why you need to listen to them.

Sorry I hope this is not too critical I'm just trying to explain why your friend may be off. I'd text her to say thank you for the lifts and everything yesterday, you're not sure why her DM is mad at you, but you hope that you can still be friends as she means a lot to you.

Does the mother know you have an autism diagnosis?

It wouldn’t occur to me to ever ask a friend to drive me to an job interview. I would either get public transport or maybe at that age my parents might have offered if they weee around. Do you often ask for lifts?

As posts on here show-when people ask others for lifts, they feel taken advantage of-driving/parking can be expensive and stressful and it difficult to say no. Lots of people see it as being a CF! How would you get to the job if you’d got it? In future, always make a point to plan for public transport.

Sorry OP autism not Aspergers

You would think at 19 the daughter could sort out her own friendship stuff rather than have her mother involved, is she quite immature?

What is wrong with saying Aspergers is that not like HF Autism?

I have a neighbor with Aspergers. He will ask DH and me for help from time to time but we have to be very clear as to when we can help him. IE - can you take me to the supermarket when you are already going - fine. Can you take me to the supermarket when I'm rushing out the door to work - Straight no. He likes ( needs) clear answers, not sorry but, or I would do but I can't.

I wondered if friend had additional needs herself too. How long has she been driving, is she confident and does she normally drive that distance ? tbh it sounds as if your relationship with friend and her dm is a bit confused. Have you perhaps leant n her previously, not for lifts but other favours or support, to her detriment? Maybe her dm sees it in a different way, that you take advantage. If she had no money you should, have offered her petrol money or equivalent again or food as promised. Will you be working there ?

Just wondering, was your friend using her mum's car? Maybe she felt like her own dd was taking advantage offering the lift without asking her mum? In any case it's out of order to shout at you.