She came to my door stop and started screaming at me!!

[PupsAndKittens]

So for some (not particularly relevant) background, I am 19 and also have ASD ( I identify as HF. I know that some people don’t believe in HF, but that’s how I chose to identify myself as I feel that is what best represents me. )

I was fortunate enough to have a job trial on Sunday. I have been unemployed for six months now ( last job was great but unfortunately was a summer temp ).

I do not currently drive, so I politely asked DBF if she would take me. She kindly said yes. I asked because trains are doable but awkward on a Sunday so was just wondering if she could help me out. (BTW Job is roughly 35 minutes in the car, and usually on weekdays and Saturdays, 30 minutes on train – no changes )

The day before the trial, I went out for lunch with DBF and her DM. DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial, and that she wished that DD had not agreed to take me in the first place. On the drive home from lunch, DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ( I asked her to define “busy“, and she replied with “stuff“). Anyway she said would let me know in the morning.

The next morning I got up, and messaged DBF to see if you could still take me. This was about 7 o’clock in the morning (I do understand that this is very early and was not expecting an answer straight away). However when I looked back at 8:30: no answer. I appreciate that 8:30 is still fairly early, but she knew that if I was to get the train I would need to leave in about 15 minutes. I decided to ring her DM and asked if DBF could still take me. She said she would ask and get back to me. About five minutes later I got a text through from DBF saying she would take me followed by a quick call from DBFs M, confirming the text as well as wishing me good luck (I thought this was very sweet and said thank you).

DBF picks me up and drives me to the interview. I said that I will pay her some petrol money, in which she said don’t worry about it at the moment. I then went and had my job interview/trial. While I thought that it went well, unfortunately I have reason to believe that on this occasion I have been unfortunate, as I feel there are too many factors going against me on this occasion. However I was pleased with how I performed in the trial and thought the people that I was working with where charming.

After the trial I rang DBF to see where she wanted to meet. There were a few shops I need to go round but due to the probable outcome of the trial, I felt very down and just really wanted to go home. One of the shops we did go in was Poundland as I desperately needed some new earplugs, as I didn’t have any as they were all broken My friend wanted to buy a car charger but was 20p short as her phone had died, which is what she used to buy things. So I offered that I would pay. she refused, but I insisted. After a few more shops we decided to Head home. Due to me not eating I asked if we could go for the MackieD drive-through. I ended up having to change my order, as the burger I wanted was 6 pounds on its own and I refused to pay that. There was then some issues with the drive-through as basically they forgot my order! So a bit anoyed, went in and had to pick it up. So a McDonald’s which should’ve taken one minute, ended up taking about seven minutes!

On the journey back we listen to music though a Bluetooth speaker. I do appreciate that I might of been slightly self-indulgent with being disappointed that I didn’t think I got it. But DBF didn’t seem to say anything. Near the end of the journey I deliberately chose the song “Days” by Kirsty MacColl to show my gratitude for all she did for me that day. When she dropped me off she seems absolutely fine and normal.

I have been home for about 20 minutes, when I had DBFs car pull up outside. I sensibly thought that I had forgotten something or picked somethings up In error: WRONG!! I answer the door to find her DM screaming that I am a ungrateful piece of st! And that I was a nightmare all day, as I was unsociable as I had my headphones in all day (er going back to poundland). When I try to defend myself and say I literally have done none of these things, she called me a liar. She went on to say how she needed her DDs help and that I just abused her! Transpires that she was angry because I didn’t give petrol money even though she asked me not to! All the things she said about me were completely fabricated and not true at all!

This really upset me so much: I actually ended up crying myself to sleep. Which is rare!

I had to leave college early today, as I was just so down I couldn’t concentrate on anything. This is where things get really strange! As I was walking back from the train station, guess who I hear: DBF caling my nick-name! I tell her that we need to talk, but she tells me she can’t as she will miss her train (she had 10 minutes!). I say to her that I didn’t appreciate her DM screaming at my front door. She said I know it was out of order and have told her off. I then tried to give her the money, but she literally just ran off like The Bloody White Rabbit, saying she was late. Unbelievable!

Not so much a AIBU, but more of a WWYD? DBF is like a sister to me and I really don’t want to ruin our friendship over this. But I would like some advice on how to go forward. Thank you

[HoppingPavlova]

On the drive home from lunch, DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ( I asked her to define “busy“, and she replied with “stuff“). Anyway she said would let me know in the morning.

Okay, this is where it all went to shit.
She told you she didn’t want to take you anymore. At this point you should have immediately swapped to the train scenario. Instead, you pushed for further information on why she couldn’t take you when it’s none of your business, maybe she just can’t be arsed and that’s okay. She then felt backed into a corner and avoided contact. You kept badgering her up until the point she realised you were going to miss your train. The DBF is no doubt pissed off and whinging to the DM who is being vocal about it and handling it the wrong way.

OP, I do understand. You have not done anything deliberately wrong. I have a young adult around your age with Aspergers and your post could well have been written by them. Do you have people who can assist you in this regard at home and college? Getting a bunch of people to give opinions on an Internet forum is not really that helpful and occurs after the problem whereas you need help to navigate situations before they become problems. For example in this situation I would have asked my child the day/night before how they planned to get to the interview. They would have said they were waiting to hear if they were getting the lift because their friend didn’t know if they would be busy. Alarm bells. I would ask them to relay the conversation and I can then translate - nope, friend doesn’t want to take you, you have been socially inappropriate with explaination, you will be taking the train and you now need to organise what time you need to leave to catch it in the morning. Luckily in our household myself, DH and siblings act as ‘translators’ and they have people at uni aware of the situation who also act accordingly. The aim is to assist before something becomes a problem not analyse it afterwards. Do have support at home in this regard?

[Springwalk]

Did your friend have anything to eat at McDonald’s? If she ran out of money due to her phone, she may not have eaten all day,
She ended up being out all day, was she needed at home? Is there something serious going on at home?

The mother had no right to shout at you. Does she feel you are taking advantage of her dd? Do you keep asking for favours?

[Springwalk]

And I agree they were telling you loud and clear they did not want to drive you.

[AmphetamineGazelle]

Oh dear, OP. I've been where you are down to the crying. In my situation I was given a lift, gave no petrol and then asked for another. Same age, same DX. It didn't go well.

My personal way round this is, don't ask anyone who isn't spouse or parent for anything. Ever. I don't get it wrong then. I also, don't get hurt. Downside, I am terribly lonely. Since sometimes I ask and cannot understand the answer and why I've upset people.

Can you start driving lessons, OP when you have your job?
Also, where are your family/parents? Could they not help before asking a friend?

[Mayonayse]

Springwalk NO they were not telling her loud and clear anothing. They were strongly hinting and that may well be lost on someone with autism. And that’s the point.

[Mayonayse]

Dameifyoudo are you hard of thinking? Read the thread again and google autism. Then go to bed.

[DameIfYouDo]

Mayo. Don't patronise me.

[Mayonayse]

Don’t insult the OP on the basis of the difficulties her disability brings.

[DameIfYouDo]

I'm not insulting anyone.

[Mayonayse]

Yes, you are. I’ve reported your post, and I suspect other posters will have reported you for your racist comments on the other thread.

Go to bed.

[User2019]

Does your friend have additional needs too?

Just wondering if that’s a reason her mum seems very...protective?

[Jux]

But it's not dbf you have a problem with, it's her mum.

Buy dbf a nice bunch of flowers from a florist or a bottle of wine to say thanks and tyou two'll be sweet.

It's none of her mum's business,

[Smotheroffive]

pupsandkittens I am horrified that you were subjected to a shouting!! Noone deserves that. I'm really sorry.

From reading your OP your BFs DM was over involving herself, but what stands out to me is that you are believing its ok because you said thank you so much. You were clearly grateful, you bought her food, but you could have said thank you 50 times it doesn't change the fact that for whatever reason, she didn't want to go.

It was also quicker for you to go on the train! She's allowed to change her mind, and at that point that she said she'd let you know in the morning you really needed to have said you'd be more comfortable taking the train.

If there was no plan the night before you have to go ahead with your own, long before she got to that point.
You needed to be prepared for your own plans in good time of your interview.
Its a shame you didn't get the job, better luck next time.

[whatwouldyoubelikeat28]

I would do that day trip in a second for a friend. Take em to the place, hang around, maybe get a coffee or look at shoes, play music etc. Sounds like a normal hang kinda day, with an extra bit to help a friend out! I also wouldn't ask for or accept petrol money from my bestie - what goes around comes around!
Her mother has issues. If your friend is trying to say dont worry about it, I would say she is worried her crazy mum is going to mess up her happy friendship with you. I'd say she likes being your friend but her mum is intense, and she knows it, and she has trouble managing it.

[whatwouldyoubelikeat28]

My personal way round this is, don't ask anyone who isn't spouse or parent for anything. Ever. I don't get it wrong then. I also, don't get hurt. Downside, I am terribly lonely. Since sometimes I ask and cannot understand the answer and why I've upset people.

I dont think this is a good way round this....

[Kahlua4me]

I completely agree with whatwouldyoubelikeat28. I would happily spend a day like that with my friend, especially at 19.

It sounds as though the mum is the one who is not happy about it and is overly controlling...

[BlackCatSleeping]

I picked up on this post:

You’re totally unreasonable. She made it clear she didn’t want to bring you

That's the problem with autism, she really didn't make it clear at all. It's hard to deal with people who say one thing and mean something else. I suspect your friend has been saying one thing to her mum and something else to you. I don't think you did anything wrong at all, but I do think you need to be wary of this friend.

Try not to let the day upset you too much. I hope despite your fears that you got the job.

[Home77]

Going forward it could help if you-

ask the friend to clearly tell you if they don't want to do something

explain this is due to your Autism

reassure the friend you won't be upset with them if they say no.

[NorthernBirdAtHeart]

I’m shocked at some of the responses you’ve had OP, some posters clearly didn’t read your original post or have the faintest idea about autism.

The mother was totally in the wrong to shout at you like that and I do think your friend should have been clearer.

Speak to your friend and clear the air and try not to dwell on it, what’s done is done but perhaps have another travel plan for next time.

[DameIfYouDo]

I’ve reported your post, and I suspect other posters will have reported you for your racist comments on the other thread.

Say what now? Racist comments?

And I have not said anything requiring reporting on this thread either! All I said was that the OP was taking advantage of her friend. God almighty. Sick of posters on this site.

[LilaJude]

You’re getting an unnecessarily hard time here OP.

Your friend’s mum was absolutely out of order - regardless of anything you did there is no excuse for her turning up on your doorstep and telling you off. She has behaved really badly and it’s not surprising your DBF is distancing herself from it.

I expect that what’s happened is your DBF has felt obliged to help you and has moaned a bit to her mum, probably exaggerating for sympathy. But a normal mother would have listened and commiserated, not taken it upon herself to shout at you.

Your DBF should have been clear if she didn’t want to help you, especially as she knows you have ASD. It wasn’t totally unreasonable for you to take her at face value when she said she could still help. Maybe she showed signs of reluctance that she was hoping you would pick up on, but that’s not especially reasonable. She should have been clear about her feelings. And I expect she knows that, which is why she’s saying everything is fine between you and that her mother’s behaviour is nothing to do with her.

I know it’s hard but try to separate your DBF’s behaviour from her mother’s. She did you a favour and has behaved decently to you. It’s not her fault her mother has been so awful. I would avoid the mother as much as you can and just try to put the whole incident behind you.

[SnuggyBuggy]

Your friends mum sounds awful and I would avoid contact with her as much as you can as she treats you very badly.

I also disagree that the friend was making it clear they didn't want to drive. She should have said no, sorry I can't, I have made other commitments that day.

Personally I don't do mind games either. I've told several people that they need to tell me things in words and not just expect me to "read between the lines". Also that if they aren't prepared to say what they mean not to expect me to care.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

OP has aspergers as she stated
So many of the nuances people state won’t be obvious to her

OP put this as a painful lessons learned

Your friend Mum clearly has an issue with her giving you favours . It’s doesnt mean you can’t be friends any more . It does
Mean you might need to back off and not use her for favours . The price of it (her mum screaming and upsetting you) is not worth it

Your friend will be torn between 2 people she cares for . So don’t push her as she is in a very hard position

Onwards

[Cuntforthebutter]

Fuck me. Some bloody nasty responses on here from people who are obviosuly bloody clueless about autism.

Does DBF DM know about you being autistic? She's an absolute cuntfuck if she does. Us NT are often not clear about what we mean. DBF didn't want to give you a lift but didn't come out and actually say it. Sorry about the mum. Can you have a chat with your friend and explain that she needs to be more clear about what she means in future?