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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not allow teenager to disco for bitchiness

82 replies

dementeddemon7 · 11/02/2019 14:05

I am a mother of a 14 year old girl.I have no guidance or direction as far as teenagers are concerned and herein lies my problem. Its long and boring to explain the back story so I shall try to be concise.

My daughter and an aquaintance who are in a large social group do not really get on. They tolerate eachother for the sake of the group.My daughter broke up with a casual boyfriend, her acquaitance was asked out by him, the next day.Daughter was hurt and embarrassed by both moving in so quickly. I didnt really see a problem as daughter finished with him but understood , to a point, why she might be unimpressed that her aquaintance would agree to see him so fast etc.

Roll on 5 days later where my dd is at a disco.ex bf and acquantance snog in front of my dd .Dd is hurt and embarrassed.Transpires that DD's and her acquaintances friends have been goading the couple to do this!
My DD has since been getting messages and texts from their group of friends, telling her how awful her acquaintance was for getting together with the guy, how they'd never speak to her again if it was them, how shes broken the girl code (!)and plenty of other such nonsense. I was quick to tell her it was nonsense and to get over it and stop being such a drama queen, listening to these girls.
DD was invited to a party at the weekend.She got there and girls started on and on about her acquaintance getting together with the guy.....again, how disgusting it was, how awful and unbelievable etc etc it was. DD asked them to just stop going on and on about it but they kept at it. DD finally exploded and said ... yes girls,what she did was a nasty and whory thing to do, now can we just leave it...'
One of said 'friends' then messaged the acquaintance to tell her that my dd called her 'a whore.' Aquaintance told her sister. Her Mother naturally rang me very very upset. WE chatted. We got to the bottom of it and found out the truth. What had been happening was that the big groups of girls had been bitching about one to the other and adding fuel to the fire so to speak and basically enjoying the drama over the guy in question.

We have come down very hard on our DD. Talks into the night. No free time for the week.No phone/internet for the week and then reduced to half hou for next few weeks after that etc, an apology and a suggestion of a meet up for the girls to sort this out and deal with it for once and for all which theyare both anxious to do and are doing at the weekend.The aquaintance is naturally gutted to think that her friends were also bitching about her and encouraging the argument not to mention that her actions were called nasty and whory by my daughter. Needless to say we are disgusted and ashamed at our daughters behaviour and use of language. However, there is a disco coming up next week, usual once a term underage disco for 14/15 year olds. Would I be too extreme to ban her from it or have I done enough to discourage this horrible nonsense from ever happening again.Appreciate your advice please. Im really just winging it.

OP posts:
Somethingsmellsnice · 11/02/2019 14:09

I think that the phone and internet restriction/ restriction on free time through the week is probably enough.

By your own admission she reacted to being goaded into the comment and any further punishment would be overkill in my opinion.

I am not sure why the other girl's mother got involved. They should be left to sort it out themselves.

whatacrapusername2306 · 11/02/2019 14:11

To be fair I don’t think your DD is at fault here. She was keen to avoid and move on, but she was pushed into a snap response. Gossiping teenage girls are the absolute worse and they got the drama they wanted. I wouldn’t punish her anymore. Let her go with the understanding she must not talk/react about the situation at the disco if it comes up again.

Fattymcfaterson · 11/02/2019 14:12

I am not sure why the other girl's mother got involved

Good job she did really. Hopefully this will all be nipped in the bud because of it.
Maybe more parents should make an effort to get involved so things like this don't get completely out of hand.

I think you've done a fine job OP. Maybe talk to your DD about the disco, talk through what to do if this the same kind of situation arises and take it from there

Original poster
dementeddemon7 · 11/02/2019 14:13

In fairness, to get a message from a 'friend' saying that a member of the friendship group called her a whore is quite significant, I would have thought. I would also have made that call. Thanks for your advice .I appreciate it

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 11/02/2019 14:14

Woah. I think you have been way over the top here. It wasn't a good thing to say, but I think you've punished her enough, multiple long talks into the night? I think she's got the message!

How are you helping her to learn how to deal with goady friends? That's the real issue here. I think have some discussions (not late night! Maybe while doing the washing up, or going for a walk or a drive) about strategies for how she's going to deal with situations like this in the future.

And let her go to the disco. Don't keep adding new things to the punishment.

Myheartbelongsto · 11/02/2019 14:14

Too harsh, give the girl a break.

Can you not remember being that age. I think your daughter did well to not react sooner.

Show her some compassion but I think you should have done that instead of telling her to get over it.

Travis1 · 11/02/2019 14:18

Jesus god. Talk about an OTT reaction from you. 'talks into the night' 'no free time' if this is the punishment for being goaded into reacting what would the punishment be if she actually did something more serious like ditching school, getting into a fight or coming home late?

I think you need to dial it down a bit. This isn't Brexit you're negotiating it's teenage girls.

kitkatsky · 11/02/2019 14:19

I feel a bit sorry for DD. It might not seem like a big deal to you that acquaintance got with her very recent ex, but when you're a teen it's all brand new drama and really riled up by other kids (usually girls) She really shouldn't have called acquaintance a whore and am sure she regretted it as soon as she did, but haven't we all lost it and snapped every so often? I still do it now occasionally and I'm not a teen being goaded while struggling with hormones anymore.

Keep helping her with coping strategies, though personally I wouldn't be undermining her dramas as it'll stop her coming from the you for advice. And don't ban her from disco, just warn her to avoid goady gang

TheSmallAssassin · 11/02/2019 14:19

By the way, if you think you're winging it, there are helpful books you can read, these two are often recommended on the Teenagers board:

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0050U8BH4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_cqyyCb3SBBE7R?tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B003V1WW2O/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_GryyCbY0D4TZB?tag=mumsnetforum-21

AlaskanSnow · 11/02/2019 14:21

Your poor DD. Her "friends" have manipulated her into this situation. I would cut her some slack and try to help her deal with her friends.

Let her go.

Quartz2208 · 11/02/2019 14:23

Your poor daughter her boyfriend broke up with her went out with a friend of hers and she was handling well until her friends wore her down and she broke at which point they broke her confidence and told the other girl

Your poor daughter has been betrayed by her friends and you come down on her like a tonne of bricks and what to continue punishing her - and why? Because you got an embarrassing phone call from another parent

CalmdownJanet · 11/02/2019 14:24

Yes the disco would be too far, you have already been way ott, I feel sorry for your dd, you have massively over reacted here.

You have come down on her like a tonne of bricks for something that required nothing more than a chat, it wouldn't surprise me if she never confided in you again after the ott reaction you have shown her, how could she?

Damntheman · 11/02/2019 14:24

I'm not entirely sure why you're punishing your daughter for essentially getting bullied by her friends? It seems to me that your daughter and her acquaintance were the victims in this whole shebang. Your DD needs to learn a lesson about how friends should behave to each other and perhaps find some who treat her properly. Poor thing!

Adding my voice to the punished enough crowd.

Quartz2208 · 11/02/2019 14:25

And actually if the post is accurate she didn’t call her a whore she said what she did was a nasty and whory thing to do - a distinct difference

ems137 · 11/02/2019 14:25

I also think all of these punishments are excessive. When I was that age the "friend" would have been likely to get a punch tbh (not condoning that at all). What have you been saying during all of these talks into the night. Surely one short conversation would've done the job?

Whocansay · 11/02/2019 14:25

I think the wrong people are being punished here. I think it's likely that the boy in question got together with the acquaintance in order to hurt your DD. Your DDs 'friends' were bitchy and unkind to both DD and the acquaintance.

Your DD was being wound up and snapped back.

I feel a bit sorry for the acquaintance actually. All she's done is go out with a single boy that used to go out with someone she knows. Can't see what she's done wrong.

OP, you sound completed over invested in your child's life. Your DD doesn't need any further punishment and I question whether this needed more than a conversation in the first place.

Original poster
dementeddemon7 · 11/02/2019 14:26

Thank you. I really appreciate all your advice and the general consensus is that I have gone way too far. I have tried for the last fortnight to discuss this with her but she just does not want to discuss it. She said that because acquaintance did this, she was done with her. All very dramatic. I saw a very new stubborn side to my dd.She blocked her, refused to return a message about it, absolutely no way would she accept an apology or even discuss the whole issue with this girl. My dd's line was that ' you just do not do that to another girl in the group!!!/' And I agree, Its not a decent thing to do, but jesus, the fall out and the drama.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 11/02/2019 14:29

God teenage girls are such nasty little things, I wouldn’t go back to being a teenager for all the tea in China.

I’d let her go to the disco but we absolutely would be having words about calling another girl whore. You don’t own an ex I’m afraid, maybe difficult to understand when your a teen but the reality of life 🤷🏻‍♀️

CalmdownJanet · 11/02/2019 14:29

I wonder here she gets it from op Wink

Time to let it go now, stop mentioning it and let her find her own way, she doesn't want to talk about it, a fortnight is too long to still be asking her questions, leave her be, she is hurt

Dimsumlosesum · 11/02/2019 14:31

Personally those punishments you gave her sound excessively way over the top. You parents are both acting like punches were thrown, racist terms were used, stealing was done, etc etc. Your dd snapped and do as it was whorish. Not a nice word. Not a nice term. But all those punishments for it? No, don't ban her from the party on top of all that.

Bombardier25966 · 11/02/2019 14:32

You've gone over the top with the punishment, way over the top. Your daughter was manipulated (bullied) by other girls into saying something. What she said was not appropriate, but that could have been resolved by a chat about appropriate language, and a message about consequences if said language is used again.

Poor love, sounds like she needs a hug and some reassurance. Don't underestimate the impact of these kind of games (the other girls playing two off against each other) on her mental health.

Original poster
dementeddemon7 · 11/02/2019 14:33

Just to clarify quartz.. it was my dd who finished with the guy. I have no problem getting a call from a mother and didnt find it embarrassing at all. In fact, I am relieved that the whole nasty situation has been blown up now and has been dealt with. Thanks. Im really glad of the perspective

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 11/02/2019 14:33

Yes, the friendship dramas! I try just to listen to the rants and let them get it off their chests.
Sometimes they talk themselves down, sometimes they need a bit of a nudge.

In a way, they just need to go through it. Don't minimise, but don't place too much importance on the spats, unless it's getting properly concerning.

Most things will blow over. The only way you'll know what's worth worrying about and what isn't is just to keep listening.

No-one said it was easy! Good luck Smile

Bombardier25966 · 11/02/2019 14:37

I hope you don't refer to this as "drama" to your daughter. It's a big deal at their age, and diminishing the issue will stop her talking to you about anything in future.

Original poster
dementeddemon7 · 11/02/2019 14:37

Calmdownjanet... I dont understand your point? Where she gets what from?

I will have a reassuring chat with her after school and let her go to the disco. Thanks tp each of you so very much.As you can see, Im terribly inexperienced.I will certainly get those books. Thanks for the recommendations and for your guidance.

OP posts: