to not allow teenager to disco for bitchiness

[dementeddemon7]

I am a mother of a 14 year old girl.I have no guidance or direction as far as teenagers are concerned and herein lies my problem. Its long and boring to explain the back story so I shall try to be concise.

My daughter and an aquaintance who are in a large social group do not really get on. They tolerate eachother for the sake of the group.My daughter broke up with a casual boyfriend, her acquaitance was asked out by him, the next day.Daughter was hurt and embarrassed by both moving in so quickly. I didnt really see a problem as daughter finished with him but understood , to a point, why she might be unimpressed that her aquaintance would agree to see him so fast etc.

Roll on 5 days later where my dd is at a disco.ex bf and acquantance snog in front of my dd .Dd is hurt and embarrassed.Transpires that DD's and her acquaintances friends have been goading the couple to do this!
My DD has since been getting messages and texts from their group of friends, telling her how awful her acquaintance was for getting together with the guy, how they'd never speak to her again if it was them, how shes broken the girl code (!)and plenty of other such nonsense. I was quick to tell her it was nonsense and to get over it and stop being such a drama queen, listening to these girls.
DD was invited to a party at the weekend.She got there and girls started on and on about her acquaintance getting together with the guy.....again, how disgusting it was, how awful and unbelievable etc etc it was. DD asked them to just stop going on and on about it but they kept at it. DD finally exploded and said ... yes girls,what she did was a nasty and whory thing to do, now can we just leave it...'
One of said 'friends' then messaged the acquaintance to tell her that my dd called her 'a whore.' Aquaintance told her sister. Her Mother naturally rang me very very upset. WE chatted. We got to the bottom of it and found out the truth. What had been happening was that the big groups of girls had been bitching about one to the other and adding fuel to the fire so to speak and basically enjoying the drama over the guy in question.

We have come down very hard on our DD. Talks into the night. No free time for the week.No phone/internet for the week and then reduced to half hou for next few weeks after that etc, an apology and a suggestion of a meet up for the girls to sort this out and deal with it for once and for all which theyare both anxious to do and are doing at the weekend.The aquaintance is naturally gutted to think that her friends were also bitching about her and encouraging the argument not to mention that her actions were called nasty and whory by my daughter. Needless to say we are disgusted and ashamed at our daughters behaviour and use of language. However, there is a disco coming up next week, usual once a term underage disco for 14/15 year olds. Would I be too extreme to ban her from it or have I done enough to discourage this horrible nonsense from ever happening again.Appreciate your advice please. Im really just winging it.

My eldest is roughly the same age, slightly younger. To be honest I have absolutely no issue with her blocking friends or refusing to return messages if she feels that's best. I'm not one for this huge need to accept apologies or talk a situation to death. I tell my kids if someone hurts them and they think it's best to just withdraw from the friendship or distance themselves from the drama then that's the way to go. I don't think seeing a new stubborn side to your daughter is necessarily a bad thing.

OP-I think that you should be supporting your DD more and the mother of the girl should mind her beeswax. At this age young people need to find their own solutions and experience natural consequences. Maybe try listening and not judging, unless and until your DD actually bullies someone else or puts herself at risk.

It is true that the other girl was entitled to get together with someone else. But other people are.entitled to look down on her and criticise her for it if they wish. That is how the adult world operates. Your DD needs to decide for herself whether she wants to judge and criticise, and what the repercussions are if she does.

At this age, as mums, I would butt out totally.

If they are old enough to snog boys, they are old enough to deal with this kind of life lesson.

Honestly, I have 2 teens (14 and 16) and they gey called much worse things, and I would not dream of calling their friends' mums

Maybe it is different for boys? Why are girls' mums so involved in their daughter's dramas? Just adds fuel to the fire, surely?

Her dramatic tendencies, I lightheartedly (hence the wink), meant she clearly got them off you since you yourself were so dramatic in your reaction

Your punishments and reaction has been completely OTT.
She was goaded and feeling under pressure used a word you don't like.
Er- she's 14.
I'm amazed this even got back to you tbh. It seems there are parents getting way too involved. I kind of assume all of my dc will have used various words that I wouldn't want to hear them saying, across their teenage years, I would not expect anyone to be tittle tattling that back to me.
If I heard them speaking about someone else like that, then I would talk to them about it, and I would have a chat about understanding how they got to that state, but were there other ways they could have handled it, and possibly what they might say or do next time they saw her, but that would be it.
You've been way OTT.
Of course she should be able to go. Sounds to me like she has been ganged up on, and then is being punished for it.

What on earth will you do if she does something serious ?

Jesus H Christ.

You have come down on your dd way too hard.
She feels betrayed by her friend, goaded and betrayed by her other so called ‘friends’ and the chap she was seeing making a move on her friend so quickly is absolutely embarrassing and humiliating.

And now she is contending with her parents and their brutal punishments. Poor darling.

Firstly whory is NOT the same as a whore. She did not call the other girl a whore. She was describing the girls behaviour (which in fairness did not cover said friend in glory)

For goodness sake show some compassion. She is 14, she needs you to have her back. I am sure her friends are enjoying your punishment regime immensely.

Drop the punishments and ask her what you can do to help, her friends sound like an absolute nightmare. She needs you more than ever.

As others have said, I think you have punished her quite harshly already. Your DD did not call the other girl ‘a whore’ she said it was a whory thing to do and only retaliated after much goading. I don’t think the other mum should have got involved - I think it’s more helpful to offer advice in situations like this and then let them sort it out themselves.

I don't understand what the upcoming disco has to do with anything. Are you saying that she can't be trusted to go to the disco and not call someone else a whore? Or is it just a kind of general, "you are a disco-unworthy daughter" kind of punishment?

What exactly are you angry about here? There seem to be so many issues that you've amalgamated into something because this other girl's mother called you. It sounds like you are panicking and keen to prove that you are a tough parent by applying loads of sanctions to your daughter.

Can you be clearer about what you are trying to punish?

I wouldn't normally comment on a thread like this, but Jesus Christ, your poor daughter. Your username is apt.

We have come down very hard on our DD. Talks into the night. No free time for the week.No phone/internet for the week and then reduced to half hou for next few weeks after that etc, an apology and a suggestion of a meet up for the girls to sort this out and deal with it for once and for all which theyare both anxious to do and are doing at the weekend.The aquaintance is naturally gutted to think that her friends were also bitching about her and encouraging the argument not to mention that her actions were called nasty and whory by my daughter. Needless to say we are disgusted and ashamed at our daughters behaviour and use of language. However, there is a disco coming up next week, usual once a term underage disco for 14/15 year olds. Would I be too extreme to ban her from it or have I done enough to discourage this horrible nonsense from ever happening again.Appreciate your advice please. Im really just winging it.

All of this for loosing her rag after being continuously goaded and pushed in to it?

All she's done is call a girl a whore. I think this is a bit heavy handed tbh.

I think you need to back off a bit. You are getting way too involved. Listen when she wants to talk and give advice when asked but apart from that leave it be. Ok i would have told my dd off a bit for the whorey comment but I wouldn't have punished her. Sounds like her friends are a pain and she needs to learn how to deal with them but she'll figure it out!

Can we just add my dd is 14, and it really is a bugger of a hornets nest.
If you can hug your dd, listen to her, leave your judgement at the door and let her know you are there (whatever happens) you will go a long way to smoothing her journey into adulthood. Yes you might walk out calmly and scream into your gin, probably more than once and bite back your anger/shock or surprise, but she needs to know you are there for her. Otherwise she will look elsewhere for the love and support she needs.

I think it would be overkill. Sounds like a stressful situation for your DD, and she snapped under pressure. Hopefully she’s now learned from it and can move on.

I just have no memory of my mum being involved at all in my friendships beyond the age of about... three?

I have no idea what all this has got to do with you. They’ve just had a teenage argument. Leave them to it.

You should be on your DD's side! Not punishing her for her 'friends' being absolutely horrible to her.

A little talk about walking away when faced with that, and assuring her you would be there for her would've been much better.

OP I actually think you have done something really good for your daughter and her friends. If more mums were a bit more proactive in teaching their girls how to be kind then how many workplace issues just wouldn’t happen!

That said, I agree with the others that she has been punished enough and you should let her go to the disco.

This is all very teen girl drama, and I think you and the other mother have been involved enough already.

I too agree the punishment is also more than enough already, in fact it's gone too far in my view,

I'd explain to my daughter that she'd dumped the guy, it was just casual. so it's fine for her friend to go out with him, and that the girl code goes two ways, she should have accepted them together. I am sorry but I believe your daughter must have been reacting badly from the start or this would never have got traction if she'd clearly not given a shit.

Let her go to the disco, and I think accept they are just being silly teenagers.

You should have donned your hard hat OP, this is AIBU.

Head on over to the teenagers thread under "parenting" to see what everyone else is dealing with and it may make you feel a bit better about your daughter, plus help you navigate the crap that is having a teen.

I would use this as a cautionary tale of the fickle nature of teenage boyfriend/girlfriend, that maybe your daughter can see that in the future if you know a boy has been dropped like a hot stone, maybe not to pick him up so fast yourself

Yes, she called the girl a whore, wrong but the punishment you are dishing is very harsh. What did they call the boy? Maybe see this as an opportunity to discuss why there are such different attitudes towards males and females. Not in a judgemental way just an exploratory way that lets her know she can talk to you about stuff.

I have no guidance or direction as far as teenagers are concerned

Well that much is obvious

Let this incident be a lesson to you to not get so involved in these teenage dramas because a. it's completely pointless b. it will drive your DD away c. it will drive you round the twist!

I cannot believe you are still analysing this and still punishing er, weeks after the incident which, let's face it, you and the other mother have completely blown up out of all proportion (do you both enjoy the drama)

Punish if you must (yours is WAY over the top), discuss one / twice if you must. the MOVE ON

I think you are being a bit harsh

This sort of group teen bitchiness especially when saying different things to different girls, whilst horrid, is par for the course with teen girls. I went through it as did my sister.

I think you've done enough.

It's an important lesson to learn but I'd say she's learning it now.

Good God that's a big punishment for something she has been goaded into. She probably feels shit enough knowing that her friends have been shit stirring behind her back (All too familiar with teenage girls unfortunately). Long talks into the night? Why? One talk would have been enough. No?

I'd watch yourself op. You are in danger of making sure that she won't come to you if she gets into real trouble. No wonder she doesn't want to discuss the matter with you, given the response she's had to a fairly low level outburst.

As others have said - calm down ffs. By all means discuss the problem with the language she chose, but make sure she knows you are there for her and can be trusted. Or you may be heading for big trouble in the future.

Way OTT reaction from you. Why didn't you have her back when she was hurt and embarrassed? Telling her to get over it was pretty harsh and unkind in my book when what was needed was some empathy. It was a shitty thing to do and her group of friends were right in that instance.
Then when she gets goaded by these same friends and says something not wildly inappropriate seeing as she described the behaviour and not the girl rather than putting the mum straight on what had been said you throw in a whole raft of punishments.
You are setting yourself up for a world of conflict for the next few years if you don't start listening to your dd and considering her feelings and offering support rather than opting for multiple and unnecessary punishments IME.

Oh for goodness sake. Your dd was trying to be the bigger person and hide her feelings about the ex-bf and her ex-friend getting together so quickly.

She was then goaded beyond endurance by a posse of other so-called friends, who were determined to stir up trouble. I'd go so far as to say that it was borderline bullying. Your dd finally snapped under the pressure and the instant she said something, it was gleefully pounced on and reported to the other parties.

I actually feel very sorry for your dd here, and you need to cut her a shed-load of slack. Hasn't she gone through enough already?

She didn't even call the friend a whore? She said it was a 'whory' thing to do. (Which to be fair- it is! Even if your DD recently broke up with him).

I think you've punished her enough.