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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not allow teenager to disco for bitchiness

82 replies

dementeddemon7 · 11/02/2019 14:05

I am a mother of a 14 year old girl.I have no guidance or direction as far as teenagers are concerned and herein lies my problem. Its long and boring to explain the back story so I shall try to be concise.

My daughter and an aquaintance who are in a large social group do not really get on. They tolerate eachother for the sake of the group.My daughter broke up with a casual boyfriend, her acquaitance was asked out by him, the next day.Daughter was hurt and embarrassed by both moving in so quickly. I didnt really see a problem as daughter finished with him but understood , to a point, why she might be unimpressed that her aquaintance would agree to see him so fast etc.

Roll on 5 days later where my dd is at a disco.ex bf and acquantance snog in front of my dd .Dd is hurt and embarrassed.Transpires that DD's and her acquaintances friends have been goading the couple to do this!
My DD has since been getting messages and texts from their group of friends, telling her how awful her acquaintance was for getting together with the guy, how they'd never speak to her again if it was them, how shes broken the girl code (!)and plenty of other such nonsense. I was quick to tell her it was nonsense and to get over it and stop being such a drama queen, listening to these girls.
DD was invited to a party at the weekend.She got there and girls started on and on about her acquaintance getting together with the guy.....again, how disgusting it was, how awful and unbelievable etc etc it was. DD asked them to just stop going on and on about it but they kept at it. DD finally exploded and said ... yes girls,what she did was a nasty and whory thing to do, now can we just leave it...'
One of said 'friends' then messaged the acquaintance to tell her that my dd called her 'a whore.' Aquaintance told her sister. Her Mother naturally rang me very very upset. WE chatted. We got to the bottom of it and found out the truth. What had been happening was that the big groups of girls had been bitching about one to the other and adding fuel to the fire so to speak and basically enjoying the drama over the guy in question.

We have come down very hard on our DD. Talks into the night. No free time for the week.No phone/internet for the week and then reduced to half hou for next few weeks after that etc, an apology and a suggestion of a meet up for the girls to sort this out and deal with it for once and for all which theyare both anxious to do and are doing at the weekend.The aquaintance is naturally gutted to think that her friends were also bitching about her and encouraging the argument not to mention that her actions were called nasty and whory by my daughter. Needless to say we are disgusted and ashamed at our daughters behaviour and use of language. However, there is a disco coming up next week, usual once a term underage disco for 14/15 year olds. Would I be too extreme to ban her from it or have I done enough to discourage this horrible nonsense from ever happening again.Appreciate your advice please. Im really just winging it.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/02/2019 15:22

I agree with fattymcfattyson, OP, I think you've done exactly the right thing Teenage girls (particularly) can get out of hand and the ganging-up is something that goes on into adulthood if it's not checked. You only have to see some threads here to see it, it's pathetic and, if you're the target, must be hurtful.

Your daughter has had a firm message and she won't forget it. Perhaps she will have the courage to tell her own friends to stop goading. She can't control what the others do but she can expect her own friendships to be better than this. Her friends should be supporting her to not give the 'other group' the reaction that they're obviously craving.

Serene indifference is what she's aiming for... very difficult as a teen but anything proximate to that will be an improvement.

Well done, dementeddemon

Rockmysocks · 11/02/2019 15:24

I think I'd want my dd to make friends with acquaintance and show the so called friends they haven't achieved anything.

It's the pack of friends and possibly ex that is have biggest beef with.

Andro · 11/02/2019 15:29

She blocked her, refused to return a message about it, absolutely no way would she accept an apology or even discuss the whole issue with this girl. My dd's line was that ' you just do not do that to another girl in the group!!!

Well done on raising your DD to have strong boundaries and self-respect - now don't crush them (or her).
I don't blame her for not giving this girl the time of day.

Teenagers can find drama in an empty room, you have a lot more of this to come!

lavenderbluedilly · 11/02/2019 15:30

I agree with anxiousbundle - it was a “whory” thing to do, and to say so it’s completely different from calling someone a whore. Your DD was goaded into it, and I think she’s been punished enough

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 15:37

I agree with anxiousbundle - it was a “whory” thing to do

Jesus Christ. Catch hold of yourself, you're on line slut shaming a 14 year old girl for going out with a 14 year old boy. There is nothing whorey, either in terms of the girls or the boys behaviour. It's two kids having a snog.

Seriously go give your head a wobble after you hang in in shame.

TheSmallAssassin · 11/02/2019 15:40

Can we not start defending the "whory" comment? It was definitely a mean thing to do, but teenaged girls are not acting like whores by having a snog with a boy.

OP, you've had some good advice, which you have listened to - I'd also advise heading over to the Teenagers board instead of AIBU next time, you don't deserve a pasting!

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2019 15:41

Poor kid, I think she's been punished enough tbf

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 11/02/2019 15:43

My mum would have reacted exactly the way you did, OP. This is not a good thing! And it's part of the reason that none of her children trust her or tell her anything of importance.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/02/2019 15:44

I agree the whore comment is horrible ahd misogynistic. I'd be having string words about that and talking about that. But weeks and weeks of punishment? Too much.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2019 15:56

also why is your daughter getting so uppity about "girl codes" when A - her and this girl aren't even good friends and B - Your daughter dumped the guy so what does she care anyway?

Armadillostoes · 11/02/2019 15:59

The Small-I don't think that the OP has had a roasting. It's just that many posters (myself included) believe her approach to be misguided and damaging.

The issue here isn't the choice of words, it's adults helicopter parenting teenagers and apparently taking sides in squabbles between peers. That is healthy for nobody.

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 16:00

I'd be fuming at the other mother for getting all uppity about it tbh!

I'd be advising your dd to steer well clear of this friend. I'd also be advising her not to get involved in drama.

I wouldn't be punishing her though.

TheSmallAssassin · 11/02/2019 16:14

Yes, Armadillostoes but this was all covered hours ago, the OP has taken what people have said on board, do we really need loads more posts saying the same thing?

Who am I kidding, this is AIBU.

Surfingtheweb · 11/02/2019 16:15

You've punished her enough, let her go to the disco. By the way this is going to be happening constantly with teenage girls, I have 2 of my own & 2 step. It's constant. You can tell your daughter how to behave but not the whole group.

Drogosnextwife · 11/02/2019 16:20

I completely agree with this. I can see why a teenage girl might use this word when around their friends and they are upset and hurt, and everything seems so important at that age, but for adults to agree that it was a "whorey" thing to do is shocking!

Original poster

dementeddemon7 · 11/02/2019 16:21

Once again, thanks. I clearly over reacted . I appreciate the straight talking of posters . I can take personal insults but apart from a couple of those , the over riding support has been constructive so thanks . To clarify, this whole issue has been going on for a few weeks but I didn’t get involved suffice to advise my dad to let it go and move on . It was yesterday however that it blew up and mother rang me after the ‘ whory’ Comment . My ddare very close So I feel that I can turn this around and be more supportive and guide her better rather than over reacting as I have done . She has been at the hands of some pretty horrible on line stuff which she managed to resolve herself with guidance . I’m glad I posted . Much appreciated

OP posts:

anxiousbundle · 11/02/2019 16:41

@Bluntness100 I'm not slut shaming a 14 year old fgs. I'm 20 & doing what the other girl did (snogging in front of OP's dd when she KNEW they had just broken up, regardless of who broke it off) is considered a 'whory' thing to do!

No decent girl does that

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 16:47

Wtf do you call it then when you say a. 14 year old girl did a whorey thing, if it's not slut shaming? And what do you mean decent girls don't do that. She's 14 for gods sake. And what about rhe boy? In your world it's the girl doing the whorey thing?

Honestly you should be ashamed.

And I've a 21 year old daughter, and I can say with absolute certainty she isn't saying this shit about 14 year old girls. Or boys for that matter,

They are 14. Get a grip.

anxiousbundle · 11/02/2019 16:51

@Bluntness100 I'd never say it to someone's face but ask a big group of girls and for sure they'd say it's either a shady thing to do, or a slutty thing.

The boys a whole other matter, we're commenting on the girls actions.

It's just an opinion- chill!🤷🏻‍♀️

TheSmallAssassin · 11/02/2019 16:58

Oh, anxiousbundle, this is how it perpetuates, don't you see? Yes, it was a shady, mean thing to do but calling each other sluts or whores is just telling each other that we should be ashamed of normal sexual behaviour.

anxiousbundle · 11/02/2019 17:02

@TheSmallAssassin I previously stated I would never say such a thing to someone's face (nor gossip so it may get to them!) but I am entitled to think it and agree with the OP's daughter.

But in my opinion, yes it's (for want of a better word!) 'whory' (tbh shady fits it better).

I don't really consider it normal for 14 year olds to be snogging to be fair but that's just me. I had my first kiss at 18, lost my virginity at 18 too.

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 17:03

When I recall back to my youth, I do recall my friends being up in arms about girls being with my exes and calling them tarts/sluts. Me, I was just a bit nonplussed or hurt about the guy's behaviour, as to me, he was free and single, so they (the girls) were doing nothing wrong.

Other friends seemed to have a standard for other girls to obey. I didn't have that standard. Not sure whether I had low self esteem, or whether I just called it as it was.
OP, you seem to me to be a lovely mother. Navigating the stormy waters of teenage years, trying to get the balance between discipline and freedom right. Don't put yourself down as not knowing anything. None of us do! None of us! Not even the smug ones who have managed to rear happy now independent adults! It's all a mire and a jungle and you're doing your best, so don't knock your own skills. When you've felt out of your depth, you've asked for advice. That's a brilliant ability to have. To acknowledge that you're not sure whether you're doing the right thing and asking others what they would do. That to me makes you a very brilliant mother. And you sound like you've a very lovely daughter too.

anxiousbundle · 11/02/2019 17:07

@DameIfYouDo there is a significant 'girl code' amongst young women probably 16-22 age bracket that most of us obey.

You don't get with ex boyfriends (unless you've spoken to friend to make sure they're okay with it)
You don't sleep/make out with someone's boyfriend
You definitely don't get with ex boyfriends mere days after breaking up!

It's just about being a decent girl🤷🏻‍♀️

MargoLovebutter · 11/02/2019 17:22

anxiousbundle I'd say that code applies amongst most friends.

I'm a gimmer and in my day that was all the same.

Immediately dating a mates ex smacks of opportunism, like you were just waiting for them to break up. It isn't 'whory' but it isn't an example of good behaviour either.

Also fairly crap of the boy to immediately go for a mates friend too. No one seems to have mentioned him.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 17:28

Anxious

You are missing rhe point. Firstly it's not whorey. Do you know what a whore is, what the definition of the word is? If you do then you will know a 14 year old girl is not acting like a whore by snogging a lad, and it's appalling to think it is.

And secondly you cannot hold the girl responsible to a different standard than the boy. They should be judged equally.

What he and she did may have been mean, immature, spiteful even, but it was certainly not the act of a whore.

If there is a girl code, then not using that term against other women should be one you put at the top of your list and learn pretty damn quick.

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