To feel completely lost now over my teen son

[cricketmum84]

DS(14) is under CAMHS for depression and entirety. We've had a really rough year with him drinking, running away once, constant moodiness and attitude, missing school because he is refusing to go, swearing at us, breaking his phone in a temper.... lots more.

I'm at home today as I've had a meeting with school about his absences where we have been threatened with a fine and prosecution if he doesn't start going every day.

When I got home I checked my Instagram and noticed he was active about 3am.

I did something bad. I signed into his Instagram account and checked his messages. I know some will think this is wrong but I did it and am not about to get into a debate over whether I should be reading his messages.

He was messaging friends in the early hours of this morning saying he was drinking alcohol (no alcohol missing in the house so I don't know if this is true), taking my prescription drugs (I know this is true as I've checked my packs), sending pictures of our big kitchen knife saying he would hurt himself and talking about how it would feel to stab someone with it. There's also messages from the past few days about meeting up with friends and asking them to sneak vodka out of their houses in water bottles. There's explicit messages and images between him and some Instagram "star" who must be about 18?!?!

I feel like this is the last straw. I've fought and fought for the CAMHS referral but he won't engage with them so they keep telling me there isn't much they can do. I've talked to him, I've shouted, I've punished, I've cried, I've sat on the floor and sobbed. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this right, I don't know how to talk to him, I don't know how to fix him. I want to scoop him up and kiss him better whilst slapping him for being so.... I don't even know what the right word is.

Please please can someone help us??

Oh OP. You poor thing. This WILL get better and is only temporary.

In ten years, you will all be sitting around the dinning table, stuffed from a tremendous roast dinner, reminiscing on the dreaded teenage years. I promise.

Be kind to yourself. It won't last forever xx

Good luck today OP

Thanks @billybagpuss x

Well heard nothing from SS. The nurse from Saturday from CAMHS called this morning to see how he is.

I was taking to my daughter while I was doing her hair after her bath last night and she said she is frightened of her brother. We can't go on like that. He's not due back from grandparents until Sunday so she's got some time to settle before he's back.

I'm feeling a bit scared of sitting him down and taking now to be honest. He is so volatile and loses his temper so easily, this isn't the first time I've come out of a discussion with him bruised. I just hope that SS can give us some help with how to approach him and how to deal with him when he gets aggressive. I know some PP have said to call the police but that almost feels like a betrayal.

Focusing on your dd will be good for her, it must be pretty scary for her.
DS is safe. Consider talking to him only with other adults present, so they can keep him calm and you out of harms way. How is he op?

My oldest dd, now 17, has been to court a couple of times for assaulting me.
It is a very hard decision to report your own child and it has had long term implications in terms of career choice, whether she'll be able to raise her baby (she's pregnant) etc but it's a form of domestic violence and I wasn't prepared to keep putting up with it.
She still has a nasty temper but our relationship is much better now.

Are the grandparents OK with having him? Can't be easy for them

Grandparents are fine. Thanks for your concern.

Sending more love

Hope you get to spend plenty of quality time with DD this week. [flower]

How's he been at your parents ? Is he still as stressed / angry ?

Just read the whole thread and want to send you a huge virtual hug and piece of cake. It is so hard dealing with mixed up teens in men's bodies with mental health issues. Really hope you can all get some help soon. X

That's good the grandparents are fine. I felt your reply was pretty snappy there. I get your nerves are frayed. But you are getting a lot of sympathy and support on this thread, which is fantastic and hopefully helping you. I hope you don't mind me asking from your sons point of view. He's an angry boy and that anger and hurt is coming from somewhere in him. I can understand dd being scared of him. But I'm trying to imagine how he felt leaving hospital and going to stay at granny's. If I was 14 I'd see that as rejection,like a problem being shipped off.
I know he doesn't talk but IME a lot of boys don't.
I know you won't like my post but I'm trying to see all this from his side and giving him some sympathy. Maybe he didn't want to go home and wanted to stay at grans, what do the grandparents think of it all?

one thing that seemed to help - tell ds the most humiliating, cringing stories of failures from your past, the more awful the better. i think from their perspective we've got it all - and sometimes we can cover up our vulnerabilites - so our tales of getting sacked/bad interviews/failed exams etc etc can really cheer them up..

hope things are feeling brighter.

So sorry. From stark personal family experience, you MUST report his talk of stabbing himself or another person to CAMHS today before it goes beyond words to potentially devastating actions (for your son, you or another innocent party).

Calling the police isn't betraying him. You need to have a safety plan to protect your dd, you, the rest of your family and him. That might include him going to stay with grandparents or someone else, your dd potentially staying someone else for respite f he won't, and calling the police when he gets too aggressive or becomes violent.

@ssd yes it was snappy. The same as most of your comments on my thread and comments I have seen you make on other threads.

The arrangements to stay with grandparents was made weeks ago to give us childcare over half term. So no he doesn't feel "shipped off". Me and DH need to work and DS will not go to my in laws and cannot be left alone.

Agreed I have had some amazing messages of support on here. However all of your comments have been questioning me and my judgement which I don't appreciate.

@JRMisOdious it was reported to CAMHS on Friday and was discussed with the MH nurse on Saturday before he was discharged x

I'm trying to see it from his side op. I don't think there's anything wrong in that. As I said you are getting a lot of wonderful support here which is good. I'm just trying to see it from his side.
But as this is making you angry I'll leave now. Good luck with everything.

I'm sorry if I upset you op, I really am.

It was my brother at 13, I haven’t lived your experience, but it can only be more devastating with your child. So sorry.

Surely you question yourself too op? I know I do. That's not to say anything is your fault but our actions do impact and with the best will in the world we don't always get things right. I don't think ssd's question about the grandparents was out of order, although I don't remember her previous posts.

I hope things are okay for you today OP. Horrendous position for your family to be in. I know you say that it feels like a betrayal calling police if your son gets volatile but MH issues is no excuse to abuse or hurt another person. He sounds like a strong kid, with all those big man portions, and you have got to keep yourself safe. If he hurts his sister, or hurts you badly, you’ll be dealing with a lot more. I know it’s so hard to call police on family but genuinely, ignoring abuse and assaults does nothing for the person in the long term.

I’m also a bit worried about reading he is sending upsetting messages to his friends about him taking drugs and self harming. At 14, that must be a huge worry to them. It sounds emotional abuse. I know the poor child is in the throes of a mental health crisis but again, it is no excuse for how he treats other people.

It seems so frustrating because you are exhausting every avenue that is available to you, you’re doing everything you can and there doesn’t seem to be anyone available to help you. I have no other advice for you, you’re doing everything I could suggest. Just be mindful that you don’t let yourself be abused, because you have mentioned you also suffer from MH and I am sure you would never assault or manipulate anyone so don’t let him do it to you.
Wishing you and him the best of luck.

Yes of course I question myself, constantly. It's so hard to know if I'm doing the right things. Especially in this position where nothing I am doing seems to get through to him.

The CAMHS nurse did speak to him about the effect his messages could have on his friends. I'm not sure how much of it he took in but she basically said it was massively unfair to put another child through that much worry.

SS phoned my husbands mobile yesterday but as it was only his second day in his new job he didn't have his phone on him so couldn't pick up the message until they had closed for the day so I have them to call back today. I'm hopeful that once they see the other lies he has been telling and actually meet my DH they will see that none of this is true. For a start off DS weighs 9 stone and is 5ft 3. There's no way DH could lift him up and throw him!!!!

He's also told friends in the messages that he has been prescribed AD's, that I've told him he was a mistake and I never wanted him and that he is drinking in the night when all the alcohol is locked away. Add to that the lies he has told to school about us having no money and the cupboards are bare.

I just wish I knew why he is saying all these things??