To feel completely lost now over my teen son

[cricketmum84]

DS(14) is under CAMHS for depression and entirety. We've had a really rough year with him drinking, running away once, constant moodiness and attitude, missing school because he is refusing to go, swearing at us, breaking his phone in a temper.... lots more.

I'm at home today as I've had a meeting with school about his absences where we have been threatened with a fine and prosecution if he doesn't start going every day.

When I got home I checked my Instagram and noticed he was active about 3am.

I did something bad. I signed into his Instagram account and checked his messages. I know some will think this is wrong but I did it and am not about to get into a debate over whether I should be reading his messages.

He was messaging friends in the early hours of this morning saying he was drinking alcohol (no alcohol missing in the house so I don't know if this is true), taking my prescription drugs (I know this is true as I've checked my packs), sending pictures of our big kitchen knife saying he would hurt himself and talking about how it would feel to stab someone with it. There's also messages from the past few days about meeting up with friends and asking them to sneak vodka out of their houses in water bottles. There's explicit messages and images between him and some Instagram "star" who must be about 18?!?!

I feel like this is the last straw. I've fought and fought for the CAMHS referral but he won't engage with them so they keep telling me there isn't much they can do. I've talked to him, I've shouted, I've punished, I've cried, I've sat on the floor and sobbed. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this right, I don't know how to talk to him, I don't know how to fix him. I want to scoop him up and kiss him better whilst slapping him for being so.... I don't even know what the right word is.

Please please can someone help us??

I don't understand why he is saying this??

He made allegations at school last week too. Told them that we are in loads of debt and have rubbish jobs and no money. And that we don't feed him and he doesn't feel like he can ask for food. The only time I ever say no to food is just before a meal!!! He eats big man size portions then still looks hungry so I end up giving him half of mine too!!!

I am absolutely shocked.

Do not worry my friends friend kid did the same made out the Mum was being angry and aggressive.

They will talk to him and then to you. They know the truth from exaggerating.

It’s upsetting but it will be fine, he needs to say things from his point of view but they will get yours to.

He seems to be screaming for attention - you said step dad where is his father?

The friends daughters issues were all to do with abandonment by her father.

His father walked out when I was pregnant. Never heard from him since and nobody (even CMS) seems able to find him.

Step dad has been around for last 11 years and always (up until now) been seen as a father figure.

I wouldn't worry that he wants to talk to them alone - that's normal if he's a teenager and particularly a teenager who lies.

Some of the things he's saying can presumably be disregarded immediately but will prove he's lying. Once they know he lies about some things, they will be wary of other things he says.

So sorry you're going through all this, but hopefully they will get to the bottom of it ... I expect he makes things up, probably for attention, due to his mental health - not much help to you but when they start treating him and he feels better, no doubt the truth will out properly - take care of yourself x

I’m so sorry things have taken this turn but stay calm, state what you know is true and make clear that unfortunately, telling lies about his parents seems to be part of his current problems. The lies about jobs, debt and so on can easily be disproved and this will help to show that sadly, he’s an unreliable narrator right now.

How did he fall out of bed in a fit of temper?

Thats so awful I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I dont have any advice but im sorry you are all going through this

try not to catastrophise op. your dd is safe with you all.

it sounds like he is bewildered and in pain and is looking for any reasons to make it plausible/rational to himself.

it is not unusual - and the fact that he is opening up is good.

hold tight you will all get through this.

Just popped on to see how things were today and also to ask how your DD is coping.
You must be so worried about the allegations that DS is making. The Drs leading questions are a little concerning as goes against all the safeguarding training I've had.
Always believe, don't promise to keep a confidence and don't ask any leading questions.

I'm sure that CAMHS will deal with it all properly as they have the expert training and experience.
Easier said than done, but try not to worry.

Sounds very hard for everyone.
But the "he fell out of bed in a fit of temper" does not sound realistic, so I am not surprised they are disregarding that. It is also normal to ask questions like - where else does he hit you? This would be far too leading for small children, but at 15 it would be more likely to lead to a truthful answer.

Also the person talking about sectioning, generally there is a great reluctance to section someone so young as having this on your file does have an impact on your life. So they would always go for a voluntary admission unless they really had no choice.

SS are absolutely NOT going to take your dd away on the back of allegations your ds is making, he is there for MH issues and not physical injuries. It is their job to listen, to check for bruising and to look after him. As they would for any other child.
They certainly won’t remove your dc without a fully and thorough investigation.
Please stay calm, answer their questions honestly. They are there to help and support you.

Yes fell off the bed.

DH pulled duvet one way, DS sat up and aggressively pulled it back the other way towards him and pulled too hard in temper and lost his balance.

CAMHS are sending us home.

Sorry meant to add - we have a follow up with social services Monday to investigate his allegations. Plus an appt with the same nurse from CAMHS we saw today on Wednesday x

are they trying anti depressants?

My 14 year old has done this to us and they did speak to us and sift out the truth. They were extra tearful because she was a police officer at the time and they treat them like shit.

I’m so sorry you’re going through it. My dad now lives with my horrible mother. Nobody will step in as he’s safe and looked after (though not to a good standard in my opinion.) it’s a hideous feeling.

Xx

How utterly awful for you. But if they're sending your DS home with you now, they can't be concerned

What plan is in place between now and Monday? Does he have meds? I know it isn’t long, but still.
What is the relationship like between ds and dh? Has he been a loving influence? I am wondering why he isn’t with you.

Presumably someone has to look after the 9 year old daughter, hence DH not being at the hospital too.

There is no way your DD is going to be taken away from you. Things have to be very bad for children to be taken into care unless there is something like sexual abuse going on. So no way is your DD going to be taken into care based on what you have said here.

Continuing to think of you and send you love @cricketmum84

I hope things are calm with you. Ss are obliged to follow up the allegations. Try not to worry.

Please don't worry about social services involvement, I can't see them being able to do much, they are likely to see it as primarily a CAMHS issue but they aren't going to be taking your dc into care.