To feel completely lost now over my teen son

[cricketmum84]

DS(14) is under CAMHS for depression and entirety. We've had a really rough year with him drinking, running away once, constant moodiness and attitude, missing school because he is refusing to go, swearing at us, breaking his phone in a temper.... lots more.

I'm at home today as I've had a meeting with school about his absences where we have been threatened with a fine and prosecution if he doesn't start going every day.

When I got home I checked my Instagram and noticed he was active about 3am.

I did something bad. I signed into his Instagram account and checked his messages. I know some will think this is wrong but I did it and am not about to get into a debate over whether I should be reading his messages.

He was messaging friends in the early hours of this morning saying he was drinking alcohol (no alcohol missing in the house so I don't know if this is true), taking my prescription drugs (I know this is true as I've checked my packs), sending pictures of our big kitchen knife saying he would hurt himself and talking about how it would feel to stab someone with it. There's also messages from the past few days about meeting up with friends and asking them to sneak vodka out of their houses in water bottles. There's explicit messages and images between him and some Instagram "star" who must be about 18?!?!

I feel like this is the last straw. I've fought and fought for the CAMHS referral but he won't engage with them so they keep telling me there isn't much they can do. I've talked to him, I've shouted, I've punished, I've cried, I've sat on the floor and sobbed. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this right, I don't know how to talk to him, I don't know how to fix him. I want to scoop him up and kiss him better whilst slapping him for being so.... I don't even know what the right word is.

Please please can someone help us??

The may offer you a cup of tea and some toast. How is ds?

Get one of those chocolate twist things. You deserve it. You’re a very brave and good mum. Love to you both

He's still asleep although just starting to stir now.

DH couldn't leave work yesterday as it was his last day before he starts a new job Monday. He came and met us at hospital after work but then left once we were settled on the ward. Absolutely no point in us both being here.

Op I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrific - but you've made huge progress and so fast yourcson. The fact that he's now in hospital shows he's engaging. He knows you haven't given up on him. I do hope you get your latte and some breakfast and that he gets the help he needs

In my experience breakfast is for patients only - unless you get ds to ask for more than he actually wants and share it!

But if you can get off the ward for a few minutes, I'd do so and head for Costa. Also stick my head put of the front doors and breathe some fresh air.

(Check if there are rules about hot drinks on the ward though. Sometimes they're not allowed.)

The police should have, with your permission, have had him sectioned under the mental health act which would have saved you all the unneccessay time wasted after their intervention. They could have taken him straight to hospital or got one of their SW to deal with it, albeit he may have had to wait in a cell first for that to happen.

@FreezerBird yep they are fine but only if they have lids on.

I went to the parents room at 6am in search of the holy fabled brown stuff only to be faced with an empty cupboard and a big sign saying coffee can only be drunk out of the lidded cups in the cupboard. Sad times indeed.

Ask one of the nurses, with your biggest smile and doe eyes, to please make you a cup of coffee and get you some biscuits or something if they have a ward kitchen (they will have a staff room at least). But ask after handover which is now so around 9am if you can last that long.

I hope things work out for your DS, I can't imagine how you are feeling right now, relief, guilt a whole host of feelings, just feel them all and go with it, they are all normal feelings.

So glad you are somewhere safe, and that hopefully this is your first step to help.

Op as an adult who is currently struggling with MH issues and knows it is related to fear of not being able to provide for my kids in the way they need to be provided for ( extremely acrimonious Divorce and C&&t x) you have my huge sympathies. YOur Ds is crying out for help for love to know that someone truly cares and sees and hears him - I suspect something has happened at school and that’s the reason he doesn’t want to go - it could be something completely minor but it has blown into something huge in his head. Thankfully he is going to get the help he needs!

I had issues with my own Ds at a similar age - googled how to kill yourself at school - got him referred to camhs but he refused to attend - his DF dismissed this as a schoolboy prank - ffs!

I just wanted to say you are a great mum I know the fight we put up for our kids - please make sure someone Is supporting you too - it’s also good to see such good support on MN

Yay at last!!

Thank goodness for coffee xxx

Good luck today Cricket. Fight his corner and don't be fobbed off. You might need to say lots of things that ordinarily you wouldnt want to in front of DS, but time for pussy footing around has passed. Lay it all bare.

You’re doing so well cricket it what must feel like an unreal situation.

I struggle with my DS (15) sometimes. They’re still our little boys somewhere inside that alien, adolescent frame, aren’t they?

Good luck for today - I forgot to add does he have snapchat???

If he doesn’t try and keep it as long as possible till he does if he does be aware there are some very cruel games played by teenagers and it all self deletes so you don’t know about it.

It turned out Snapchat was a big factor in the young person I knew about issues.

Good luck with CAHMS 💕

I have no advice, but hold on in there and enjoy every sip of that coffee

I hope he gets the help he needs this morning

Thinking of you

Thinking of you both here too

Please make sure your dh brings stuff in for you , food and coffee. I know you feel you'll be fine alone but don't underestimate the support. I suggest he comes and picks you both up when your ds is discharged

Things seem to be getting worse. Still no sign of CAMHS.

There was an incident a couple of weeks ago when DS wouldn't get out of bed for school. He had done the same the day before and I had left him in bed but come home to find he had been drinking. This particular day neither me or DH were in a position to stay at home with him.

DH went into his room and pulled his covers back to tell him to get up. DS pulled back and ended up falling out of bed in a fit of temper.

He's told the doctors that DH picked him up and threw him against the bed. I've told them that he is over exaggerating but I don't think they believe me. The doctor has just been in to check for bruising and asked where else his step dad hit him. I'm distraught, why is he saying these things?? I know they aren't true because I was there!!

Well I suppose SS definitely will get involved now.

I really hope you get proper help today.

It must be incredibly distressing to hear him telling them his father is violent.

At home, I think if I were you I'd simply pour away all the alcohol and maybe replace the clear spirits with water. I know it's locked in the garage but it sounds like he's still getting some and anything you can do to make out one less route for it is good. And maybe a combination lock box for your tablets, as well as having them in the locked garage.

Actually, good point. Now is an excellent day for DH to go through DS's room and take away scissors, alcohol, string, belts etc.

try not to react too much.

i feel you may need to brave yourself for further disclosures. some may be lies, some may be true, some may seem utterly inconsequential - to you.

try to keep to the line- we love you and want to get better- and hopefully the professionals will be able to help safely unpick his emotions which sound all over the place.

If they keep him in tonight and try to insist on you staying, tell them you're in pain. It's their job to find someone to sit with him if necessary.
I'm sorry he's making false allegations. I've had this too. It didn't come to anything but I guess they have to take it seriously. He's hurting and trying to hurt those he's loves.
When the cafe is closed the a&e department at our hospital has vending machines though I think they only sell cold drinks, crisps and chocolate.

How did he reply when asked where else the bruising was OP?

I stepped in at that point and said the doctor was asking leading questions by saying "where else did your father hit you".

CAMHS are here now. He's asked me to leave the room while he talks to them. I have an awful feeling. She said that SS will have to make a decision on whether he is allowed home and if he is protected from his father. It's almost like he wants to be taken into care. Why on earth doesn't he want to come home? Does he think the care system is a better bet than living with us? Why does he seem to hate us so much??

What's scaring me the most is my DD. What if they decide she isn't safe based on her brothers allegations. If they take her away I will end up in here myself. She is too small and soft to cope in a care environment.