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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower guests being charged for food??

104 replies

Mummy20192 · 09/02/2019 13:06

So I got an invite to a baby shower for a friend... but the organiser( and mum to be) are charging for food and drinks..

The few baby showers that I’ve been to, I took a present, but never paid for the nibbles..

My friend has already set up a baby wish list so I’ll hacd to get something from there once bsby is born..

So what is the etiquette these days for the baby shower gifting? Do I pay for food and take a present? And then buy from baby wish list aswell??

Back in my time 8 yrs ago, i just did a shower at home that I paid for, few friends came and we played games.. gifts were given once bsby arrived..

OP posts:
MichelleM30 · 09/02/2019 16:33

Yip this seems to be "normal" now. I've been to one at a restaurant where we had lunch and therefore all paid for our own.

I think it's nicer to do something at home and therefore not have your guests paying.

I ended up paying for lunch, a gift for the baby shower and then a further gift when the baby was born, gets expensive! But was for my nephew so I didn't mind. Wouldn't have been so generous if it wasn't family.

ym10146 · 09/02/2019 16:40

Does the mum even know you are being charged for food?

I hate baby showers and didn't have one, but if her friends are organising it, she may not even realise. I would be horrified if my friends were being charged.

The idea of a gathering is nice, but the expectation of gifts or paying is bad.

dustarr73 · 09/02/2019 17:04

I was invited to a baby shower a few weeks ago.There was a list which i didnt mind as it saves getting lots of one thing.But i was agog when on the list was a photoshhot,food processer.And a few days after it was asked if we would put the rest of teh money owing to her pram bundle.Which was 1,000 euro.No i dont know how much was left to pay But i thought that was really cheeky.Not surprising loads dropped out and it was re scheduled to a restaurant in a few days.

Very grabby.

Absofuckinglutely · 09/02/2019 17:25

Baby showers make me cringe. A tacky Americanism and just an excuse for getting lots of presents imho. Don't even get me started on baby sex reveal parties- narcissistic bollocks, who cares (apart from the parents of course).
Asking you to pay for it is next level cheeky fuckery.

Marlena1 · 09/02/2019 17:32

A gift list is really rude! Maybe I'm old fashionedHmmAs PP said maybe two small gifts. Between cost of food and two presents it is a lot, probably depends on how close you are.

ErickBroch · 09/02/2019 17:46

When I was in my late teens my friends baby shower was at a pub - family just booked a table and we all paid, didn't really bother me. Would be different if it was in a hall or someones home though.

karala · 09/02/2019 17:52

I think the problem with baby showers is that they've been imported from the US with little understanding of what they actually are: in the US a baby shower is thrown for you by a friend/relative for your first baby and it would typically involve a light lunch or afternoon tea and some gifts. There would be no expectation that there should be more gifts after the baby is born. Here they aren't quite the same thing

spudlet7 · 09/02/2019 17:54

I think it's fine if it's a full meal. But odd that anyone would expect a shower present AND another when baby is born. Surely the shower gift is the gift?

RainbowMum11 · 09/02/2019 18:00

I won't buy anything until the baby is safely here - if anything goes wrong, it's awful having loads of gifts around as well as the normal stuff you have prepared. I know that from bitter experience.

outpinked · 09/02/2019 18:04

Honestly, I hate baby showers. I would be normal, skip the shower and just buy a gift once the baby has arrived like everyone I have ever known does. We’re not American.

Hosting a party generally means you pay for food and drink imo. If you can’t afford to host, don’t do it.

Hunter037 · 09/02/2019 19:16

Don't bring a present to the shower. If they question it, just tell them you would rather give the present after the baby has arrived. Any sensible person will say "great, can't wait to see it " and thats that.

If they make a fuss about this then you know they are cheeky gits, not real friends, and you have saved yourself the expense of two presents.

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/02/2019 20:32

A photo shoot and a food processor. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

bababoom100 · 09/02/2019 20:32

That's outrageous.

Excited101 · 09/02/2019 20:35

It’s a meal at a pub, of course you pay for your own food 🙄

Don’t want to take a gift then don’t, tell her you’re bringing it when you meet the baby’s here. It really doesn’t need to be a big deal...

Heronymous · 09/02/2019 21:18

Would you really expect her to pay?

Uhhh yeah I would. She doesn’t have to have a baby shower

Original poster
Mummy20192 · 09/02/2019 22:06

tbh I think I’m annoyed as I gave her a hefty cash gift for her wedding( few hundred pounds).. as she had multiple pre wedding parties that I attended as she is a good friend. I also helped organise her destination hen and bought lots of bits and bobs that she asked me to get for wedding and she didn’t pay me back for the things ( over £100).

At the time I didn’t mind spending, but I was quite disappointed as I didn’t even get a thank you note from the couple for the cash and effort i put in for the wedding. I think I have seen her maybe a 4 times since her wedding two years ago..

So now I don’t really want to spend a lot again as I have been asked to only get presents from the bsby gifts list as she doesn’t want things that she won’t be able to use..

I don’t mind baby showers... as long as to celebrate pregnancy And not a gifts collection ceremony that I have to help finance..

OP posts:
Delatron · 09/02/2019 22:23

Well she’s got history then of being a massive CF. Just don’t go and maybe split the cost of a present off the list. Spend £20 toos. She sounds grabby and it’s unforgivable she didn’t thank you or pay you back for th wedding stuff.

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/02/2019 23:26

If I didn’t get a thank you for a gift then I certainly wouldn’t be giving any further gifts.

MeredithGrey1 · 09/02/2019 23:28

I don’t really like baby showers but if she wasn’t expecting any big presents, and was more just doing a nice meal with friends before the baby comes then I think in that situation I’d be happy to pay for myself (and probably bring a small gift of a soft toy or blanket etc). If she is someone who, in addition to you paying, also expects gifts from an expensive gift list she’s drawn up, I’d be annoyed to be paying for food.

Tobebythesea · 09/02/2019 23:29

The only and last baby shower I went to everyone had to pay £20 towards presents and party games AND bring a dish.

TildaTurnip · 09/02/2019 23:38

I hate baby showers and hen do parties/weekends/weeks away. Hate them. I don’t go to them and chose not to have them myself. Some friends were really put out that I wouldn’t ‘allow’ them to throw one but they’re just not fun to me!

I’d buy one gift for when you meet the baby. I wouldn’t go to the shower.

emilybrontescorsett · 10/02/2019 08:13

I don't think a baby showerhead anything to do with other events such as a hen do it wedding.
Personally I don't enjoy them as they are a bit cringy and biring.
A hen do is different I find it far more fun.
Having said that the vast majority of my friends had babies when we didn't do baby showers.
So I bought a gift after the baby was born.
I'm well aware that I will feel differently when my dcs are expecting a baby.
If I were you I'd go if you fancy a meal in a pub and if your friend is so rude as to enquire about a gift, if say I don't buy gifts until the baby is born.
If you feel she is even the type to ask where your gift is then I'm afraid I would not be going not buying any gift at all, either before the baby is born of after.

SingaporeSlinky · 11/02/2019 19:25

So she has form for asking and expecting lots of gifts and not even thanking you, then I definitely wouldn’t bother going.

lazyarse123 · 11/02/2019 19:47

I've been invited to one, they are definitely not my thing, but she has a large family and they are all super excited. But there is no gift list or expectation of a gift. I have already given a gift as it was pampering stuff for mums to be. I'm going to have to go as she would be disappointed.

Monestasi · 11/02/2019 19:51

Whether or not they are tacky (and i have had one thrown for me) no way should the attendees be paying for anything. Their payment is the gift.

I am aghast at the cheeky fuckery i read on here of late.

I think anything anyone is invited to where a gift is expected, be it a wedding, birthday or a baby shower, that person should not then be expected to pay for their food or drink. It's obscene in fact, and some people have no self respect.

And if the hosts can't afford to host then they should not.

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