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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower guests being charged for food??

104 replies

Mummy20192 · 09/02/2019 13:06

So I got an invite to a baby shower for a friend... but the organiser( and mum to be) are charging for food and drinks..

The few baby showers that I’ve been to, I took a present, but never paid for the nibbles..

My friend has already set up a baby wish list so I’ll hacd to get something from there once bsby is born..

So what is the etiquette these days for the baby shower gifting? Do I pay for food and take a present? And then buy from baby wish list aswell??

Back in my time 8 yrs ago, i just did a shower at home that I paid for, few friends came and we played games.. gifts were given once bsby arrived..

OP posts:
SileneOliveira · 09/02/2019 13:38

To be fair, the foetus has had no say in this. The cheeky fucker is 100% the mother.

RosieEffect · 09/02/2019 13:39

As long as it's stated in the invite I think it's fine. Many people do the buffet at home where you wouldn't charge but if you are going out for a meal or for afternoon tea it's fine to ask people to pay. They can decide if they'd like to go or not. If you are getting a gift for the shower either split what you would have spent between the shower and when baby arrives (so two smaller gifts) or the bigger one at the shower and a token for after the birth (flowers, chocolates, hand cream etc).

thedevilinablackdress · 09/02/2019 13:40

WTAF is a baby wish list???

ID81241 · 09/02/2019 13:40

Since when do people have a baby gift list? Is that not tacky or am I old (at 29)?!

Original poster
Mummy20192 · 09/02/2019 13:41

When baby is born I will be visiting with my family to see baby, and in our culture we have to give something when we first see baby...

I think it gets complicated, as we kind of have to follow the “American/ us” culture avd native. With most of our frievds it’s either or.. here it’s both..

I don’t mind paying for nibbles ( sandwiches) if that’s what they want.. but it’s the gifting I’m
Confused about.. as I don’t want to fork out twice!

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 09/02/2019 13:42

I am from the generation where baby showers weren't a thing here in UK. The baby was born and you visited and give a gift. I would presume that if you do go to a shower, you take a gift and that's it - you don't give another once the baby is born. And now showers being held at restaurants: if you are expected to pay your way, I really don't think you should have to take a gift as well, but I am presuming that someone who has the bare faced cheek to have a 'baby wish list' will be expecting gifts as well (that is the point of a shower, right?) I find it so off that not only do people expect you to pay for the privilege of attending their shower, but you are expected to choose a gift from their list, too. I'm not a fan of baby showers, so I don't go, but the ones I have been invited to have always been at someone's house, I've never been charged, and I've never been given a baby wish list. CF.

caughtinanet · 09/02/2019 13:42

I'm so glad I'm too old to have to be involved with any of this type of nonsense, is the Mum to be the type of person who also thinks the world should revolve around her on her birthday?

Ethel80 · 09/02/2019 13:44

You don't have to give twice if you don't want to. You also don't have to follow the gift list. If you don't want to, just get something you want to get them and avoid stuff that's on the list. Honestly, I've always bought close friends presents both times.

Recently I bought some clothes and a toy for the shower and I bought a book for the baby and flowers/chocolates for my friend when the baby was born.

supersop60 · 09/02/2019 13:46

Baby showers. Ugh.
I know someone who had one, and then the baby was stillborn. A hideous time for all involved.
Don't go OP, or if you do, you'll just have to suck up the paying for food and two presents thing.

Sciurus83 · 09/02/2019 13:46

If it's out somewhere for a meal I would expect to pay for my food. Obviously not at someone's house

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2019 13:47

People just keep spending everyone else’s money. Baby showers, more gifts when the baby is born, 1k hen celebrations plus obligatory gift. Grab grab grab.

I find it very distasteful. If you don’t want to fork out, I’d decline. Or have you accepted? The irony will be if you pull out you’ll be accused of being grabby for expecting to be catered for.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2019 13:47

I should have added. But I wouldn’t have expected to have free food on offer.

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 13:50

In fairness, OP had a baby shower so is obviously not against them!

Rooberoobe · 09/02/2019 13:50

I’m going to one for a friend soon. I’ve decided to take a gift for her to the baby shower then give the baby gift once it arrives. I would have got her a small gift once the baby arrives anyway (think nice bath bomb, bubble bath creams, choc etc) so I’ve just split the gift into two parts.

Drum2018 · 09/02/2019 13:51

I'm glad I am past this stage in life. She's full of herself expecting people to go to a baby shower, pay for a meal and bring a gift. I'd definitely be busy that day and politely decline the invite. Just buy a gift of your choosing when baby is born. I cannot believe anyone would be so presumptuous as to have a baby wish gift list Shock

Mmmhmmm · 09/02/2019 13:53

I've been to many baby showers at homes and restaurants, never had to pay for food or drinks. I wouldn't go to one that asked that. They should have a celebration within their means or none at all.

LellyMcKelly · 09/02/2019 13:57

That’s not a baby shower. That’s a night out with your mates. I’d sack that off and just buy the baby a gift when it arrives.

Original poster
Mummy20192 · 09/02/2019 13:57

This is the first time I’m going where it’s a buffet in pub.. every other time it’s been in a house and I took a small present and gave main one when visited baby.... even mine “shower” was insisted and organised by frievds, it was at comfort of my home. I didn’t cook but paid for ingredients/ and nibbles that my friends organised..and I strictly said no gifts at shower (fear of still born).. but that was 10 yrs ago.. but I guess times have changed..

I think I’ll take tge main present at shower and flowers avd teddy for baby and mum..

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 09/02/2019 13:59

I'd skip the shower and just get a gift when baby is born

Me too. Unless you really want to meet up with the other people.

Ethel80 · 09/02/2019 14:02

I quite like baby showers but I seem to be an exception.

I love my friends and like spending time with them and celebrating with them. So any excuse for a party is good.

I like that it's a chance to make a fuss of them before their baby is born especially their first baby. I like hen parties, weddings and have even been to a banging divorce party.

I guess maybe the difference is I don't have a lot of acquaintances. They're either friends or not and if they're friends, I'm all in.

Believe me, I'm not Pollyanna and I can be a right grumpy and cynical cow but some of you are so cold! I wonder if any of you actually like your friends or just see friendship as an inconvenience or something to be managed and negotiated.

Chill the fuck out.
Go to the lunch or don't.
Buy a present or don't.

Don't go if you're going to be sulking and have a face like a slapped arse though!

ShadyLady53 · 09/02/2019 14:07

Don’t go! It’s bloody cheeky.

I was shocked recently as got invited to a colleague’s birthday party (rented out a club and put on some food, a dj and a free glass of fizz) and there was an announcement immediately following the singing of Happy Birthday by the girl’s parents that they’d now be sending round a bucket for us to contribute to the costs of the evening. It was a random birthday (27) and there was a lot of pressure to attend. I’ve only known her two months and took a decent present considering I barely know her (1l bottle of Pink Gin and lovely card). She was mortified by her parents actions and confided that she hadn’t even wanted a party. The Mum kept announcing “I suggest a minimum of £5 but will accept more!” and shaking the bucket.

I left straight away when I saw the bucket heading towards me Blush.

DeRigueurMortis · 09/02/2019 14:09

The whole thing is tacky as hell.

Since the explosion of social media absolutely every opportunity to grab the limelight by some people seems to be increasingly normalised.

I know of someone who had 2 hen do's (one abroad and stupidly expensive and another local event), a destination wedding then come baby time they morphed to a baby shower, gender reveal party and then christening. Yes all of them....so one baby 3 events which people had to pay to attend and bring gifts.

Everything is catalogued on FB as a "look at MEEEE" lifestyle event without obviously mentioning that their friends are the ones continuing (and stupidly imho) to cough up financially for these flagrant displays of narcissism.

I honestly don't understand why people indulge this shite and despite evidence to the contrary based on the above I'm not a total misery guts.

I'm very happy to be invited to a christening for example or attend a wedding and bring a lovely gift - it's just when the number of events plus time and cost become excessive and grabby that I can't stand (even if I can afford it).

AmperoBlue · 09/02/2019 14:14

I had a baby shower to say “ thank you” to all my friends that had helped during my pregnancy ( partner walked out on me).
Wanted to throw a party for them and to show that their help had really made a difference to my attitude towards having my baby.

I think it’s just an excuse to get friends together. You pay when asked out with your mates and this is no different. I had no idea so many people would buy stuff. There was no expectation they would though.

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/02/2019 14:14

WARNING - lighthearted but with a substantial grain of truth.
Whenever I read something like this I’m reminded of a SATC episode I watched many years ago. Carrie Bradshaw was moaning about the fact that if you’re single, all you seem to do is fork out large amounts for ‘coupledom’. There’s the engagement gift, the hen do, the wedding present, the baby shower, the birth gift, the christening gift and on and on. She was suggesting we have a Singles Day where we celebrate our single friends who generally cost us nothing. She used to irritate me with her whingeing but I think she was spot on with this one. 😂

Drum2018 · 09/02/2019 14:15

But nobody 'has to' do anything. Op you don't have to conform to whatever pretentious shite may be expected of you regarding attending the shower and bringing gifts - no matter what culture you are.