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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby shower guests being charged for food??

104 replies

Mummy20192 · 09/02/2019 13:06

So I got an invite to a baby shower for a friend... but the organiser( and mum to be) are charging for food and drinks..

The few baby showers that I’ve been to, I took a present, but never paid for the nibbles..

My friend has already set up a baby wish list so I’ll hacd to get something from there once bsby is born..

So what is the etiquette these days for the baby shower gifting? Do I pay for food and take a present? And then buy from baby wish list aswell??

Back in my time 8 yrs ago, i just did a shower at home that I paid for, few friends came and we played games.. gifts were given once bsby arrived..

OP posts:

Ethel80 · 09/02/2019 14:15

@ShadyLady53 Oh my god, that's so fucking rude! The poor daughter!

Deeedeeee · 09/02/2019 14:16

I don't get it at all. I never had baby showers (DC 11 and 7 so it wasn't that long ago) and the only one I've been to was an adoption shower, which was at the parents to be's house and was quite low key. There wasn't a list but everyone brought a gift.
The point of the adoption shower was partly to demonstrate the social network and support system of the couple to the social worker who also attended. If nobody had showed up it would not have looked good, it was almost an unofficial part of the adoption process. I like the idea of showing support for new parents, it's often needed and much appreciated ...but if it has become an exercise in how much money you are expected to shell out then I think something's gone a bit wrong!!

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/02/2019 14:16

I forgot the ‘reveal’ party. ☹️

bibbitybobbityyhat · 09/02/2019 14:18

To quote a pp, the whole thing really is tacky as hell.

Don't go! Just politely decline. Don't associate with these people who have no clue about what is socially acceptable and what isn't.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 09/02/2019 14:21

I thought baby showers were an at home; afternoon tea type thing. But I’m going back a decade.
I wouldn’t have thought pre and post birth presents were necessary.

NunoGoncalves · 09/02/2019 14:22

I've always done the same as you, OP. Showers are at the host's house and all paid for by them, I take a small gift, then get a better gift for first visit after birth.

If I was faced with your situation, I would either not go (if I didn't want to pay for the lunch) or if I did, I'd just treat it as a normal meal out with friends where I would pay for myself, and therefore probably wouldn't take a gift to the shower.

Maybe talk to your other friends and see what they're planning to do? I might take a tiny gift to the shower, something really token, if it seems like everyone else is going to do so and I don't want to be the only awkward person who turns up with nothing!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 09/02/2019 14:23

If you must have a baby shower isn't it usually a few close friends and maybe your Mum and sister at home? Tea and cake or nibbles and fizz? Not a full on lunch or dinner at the local Toby carvery which you are expected to pay for.

turncloak · 09/02/2019 14:26

I don't think she is being cheeky at all. It sounds like you've been invited out for a meal by your friend to celebrate her pregnancy. Absolutely no different than going out to a restaurant to celebrate someone's birthday in my eyes. Surely people don't expect the Mum to Be to pay for everyone? She probably only put it on the invitation to make sure no awkwardness ensued once it was time to pay the bill.

I think your plan to take the main present to the shower, and then something small for Mum and the baby after the birth is a great idea - I would do the same

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 09/02/2019 14:34

I think it gets complicated, as we kind of have to follow the “American/ us” culture avd native. With most of our frievds it’s either or.. here it’s both..

No, Mummy, we don't have to follow anything. The American custom does not involve charging guests for a full on meal or alcohol/drinks, etc. It's usually a low key affair thrown by someone who is not the mother, only for a first baby, and if they cannot afford to host a meal in a restaurant it's at someone's house or a clubhouse or hall. Not a gastro pub or a BBQ or a mixed sex party in the evening or charging guests.

You give the one gift and that's it. No more after the baby arrives.

The way to stop this kind of tacky grabby nonsense is to stop enabling it! You just say NO. 'Sorry, I can't make it'. The end. Then you give a present after the baby arrives.

Job done.

Don't give this a second thought.

3in4years · 09/02/2019 14:43

I would pay for nibbles at home, but not meals in a pub.

EastEndQueen · 09/02/2019 14:44

Just go if you want to (and can afford it) or don’t if you don’t want to. It’s totally up to you. My Dsis organised a baby shower for me (for a 2nd child which probably means on mumsnet I should be shot ) recently which was brunch out in nice restaurant/ cafe and people paid their own own way (think it was about £15 pp) and my Dsis paid for the decorations and a large cake as a gift to me. I didn’t expect any presents, didn’t have any kind of list however and totally understood if people didn’t fancy it/ couldn’t afford it/ were busy. I think those things matter.

I had a wonderful morning and it was the loveliest break from a stressful job and caring for toddler DS to spend time with female friends eating too much bacon and pancakes.

I regularly host friends at my house for dinner parties as I love cooking and happily cover the cost of drinks/ ingredients. Over the last few years my friendship group has had loads of 30th birthdays/ hen dos in which I have paid my own way and put some money in for the bride/ birthday person so in my group I think it was just goes around/ comes around.

But as I said would have totally understood if people hadn’t come and if you don’t fancy it then don’t go

WombatChocolate · 09/02/2019 14:54

Quite simply, it's a meal out in a restaurant.

Go if you want to go for the meal and pay up. If you don't fancy a meal out, then don't go.

Is isn't a 'hosted' event at mother -to-be house. It's a meal out in a restuarant.

I think some people/groups do have expectations if lots of fuss and gifts - reveal parties, baby shower, visit baby - there could be a gift each time.

It's up to you what you do go to though. There is no obligation. So if you fancy the meal out, go. If you feel it will oblige you to buy a gift you don't want to buy, then don't go.

Personally, I'd probably go for a very close friend. For other people I'd expect to get them one gift, usually after baby is born.

Some groups can be very into gift giving and judgmental about each other's gifts - hope your group isn't like this. In others it would be fine to give a very small gift for the mother to be (like some hand cream or something similar) and no-one notices or cares too much.

Are you cross about the expectations of gifts at multiple times, or paying for the meal? I suspect most people wouldn't mind paying for a meal out in a restaurant but some won't like feeling obliged to get multiple gifts.

It's always fine to not go. But you'll want to visit the baby I'm sure so if you just want to do 1 gift, save it for then.

Delatron · 09/02/2019 14:55

I hosted at my house and provided food but friends brought cupcakes.

I think in a restaurant it’s a bit different. If there were say 6 of you that would be £90 for the mum to be to pay for?

I wouldn’t mind paying in this situation. I’d just decide whether I wanted to go or not. Gift list is ott though!

WombatChocolate · 09/02/2019 14:57

Oh and gift lists = tacky!

Most friends want to buy a smallish gift for a new baby and enjoy choosing a little outfit or accessory or toy. Gift lists sound like the items are either expensive or functional so prob not what people like to gift. Certainly ignore any list and say 'I've got my own ideas'.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2019 14:58

Really they should pay in this situation, wod you expect guests to pay at a wedding reception, very crass. I wod be busy that day tbh, then get something for the baby when they are born.

Yabbers · 09/02/2019 15:03

I don’t know why people get so judgemental with these things.

If you don’t like baby showers, don’t throw them, or attend them. I never had one, but would go if I was invited by a friend, and happy to pay for a meal in a pub. I’d buy a gift from a list, same as I would for a wedding. Usually you can choose to buy it and deliver it yourself.

We hosted a family meal in a pub the night before our wedding. We paid the bill but we could afford to do it. If someone did similar and asked us to pay for ourselves, I’d be happy with that. I’d rather that than someone thinking they would like to have a get together but couldn’t afford to pay for it.

pilates · 09/02/2019 15:05

I wouldn’t go and just get a present when the baby is born but I’m old (50) and baby showers are alien to me.

BowStreetStunner · 09/02/2019 15:16

I just do not get the baby shower thing I actually dislike it and find it tacky, I would just buy something for baby when born and not go I had no idea people had baby gift lists like wedding gifts?

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 15:21

It’s not really the same as a wedding reception. It’s dinner in a pub with friends really, isn’t it?

percheron67 · 09/02/2019 15:21

Baby showers are a horrid American idea and I would never go to one whether I had to pay or not. Much better to visit when babe is here and take your card and present then.

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/02/2019 15:25

would you expect guests to pay at a wedding reception

Christ, don’t suggest that on here. Judging by some posts I’ve seen on here I suspect some would given half a chance. 😂

SingaporeSlinky · 09/02/2019 15:30

I think it’s a bit much going out somewhere and expecting guests to pay. Either have it at home, or hosted by a friend or family member with a larger house.
I certainly wouldn’t take a gift to the shower and another after baby is born, but if it’s your culture to do so, then I’d probably do main one for shower and do one very small token gift when visiting afterwards.

Tbh unless it was a really close friend or family member, I’d probably decline and just wait until baby is born.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/02/2019 15:33

I think she is a CF and I would not go. But thats just me.... And a baby wish list, really?? Is that a 'thing' now?? OMG!

fieldofwheat · 09/02/2019 16:14

Really can't bear baby showers, and wouldn't dream of having them myself. I've been to several and most have been low key ones at someone's house like you describe. However I did attend one at a hotel which was £15 a head for a (very poor and limited) buffet. It was such a rip off. I went along as it was for a very good friend (plus it was a surprise for her so she had no involvement in the arrangements). I took a very small gift but took photos at the shower and gave her those as a gift when the baby arrived. Had she not been such a good friend I would have made my excuses and not gone...... just dawned on me that she's pregnant again so I may have another invitation coming my way soon

Confusedbeetle · 09/02/2019 16:22

Oh, it just gets better and better, Baby showers uurgh! More grabby people who want funding through life

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