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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex's partner..

96 replies

staceyflack · 08/02/2019 22:57

Aibu to be pissed off that my children's dad's partner has called me to ask why our eldest daughter (nearly 14) has chosen not to go to dads tonight? DD has been off sick from school for a couple of days - she has a few issues (dyspraxia / chronic fatigue / anxiety) - she is starting counselling next week & see's an OT. She often feels generally unwell and opts out of stuff. School are very helpful. Anyway ex's partner has phoned wanting to know why she wasn't coming and if she was definitely coming tomorrow. Really pushy, so she can fix her plans. I appreciate there are others to consider. Her 2 kids and my other younger daughter are at their house. But i'm not going to force my daughter who is feeling rubbish to go when she doesn't want to. I think she's old enough to have an opinion. Ex's partner says in their family the kids dont make the decisions. CF?

OP posts:
YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 08/02/2019 23:01

I would tell her that you or your daughter will discuss it with your ex in the morning (or whenever). How exactly does the presence or lack of, of a 14 year old affect the partner? Surely it’s her dad who would be most interested whether she’s there or not?

sagradafamiliar · 08/02/2019 23:02

Yup, it's between your ex and your daughter and you
The partner needs to communicate with your ex about their plans, not you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2019 23:04

Not a CF, no. How did your other daughter get there? Presumably when she was dropped off or picked up someone said DD14 is poorly/off colour and not going for the weekend. If not, her dad should be the one to ask. Fair enough to know if she’s planning to be there tomorrow if they have plans. You don’t say anyone’s trying to force her to go, but that she asked what was happening, which is different.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 08/02/2019 23:06

It's rude not to let people know if plans change.

multivac · 08/02/2019 23:09

Really pushy, so she can fix her plans

Yeah, 11pm the night before is, like so early to want to know who is going to be in your house for the weekend and how best to look after everyone...

Sparklesocks · 08/02/2019 23:11

Although it’s not particularly tactful I can sort of see her point, they do need to know if DD is coming so they can plan the weekend accordingly but really DD should confirm with her dad in the morning when she knows how she feels.

Original poster
staceyflack · 08/02/2019 23:55

She did know. I told her dad at 3 pm this afternoon. And suggested he phone our daughter tonight to discuss. He didnt. The partner phoned me at about 9.30. I wasn't able to tell her if DD is going tomorrow, because i don't know.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/02/2019 00:00

She should leave it to your Ex.

Not her place to call you.

JasperKarat · 09/02/2019 00:02

Given you are with your daughter could you not have asked her? If she's still feeling poorly tonight and there are underlying conditions it's unlikely she'll make a miraculous improvement by tomorrow morning. Would it not have been better to say straight off, agrees not going to make it at all this weekend, rather than leaving them in the dark about tomorrow? They may well want to adjust plans, if they're planning on going out they might cancel if DD is well enough to visit but not up to getting out and about, if she's not going they can go ahead and make arrangements to do something tomorrow (one simple thing 2 adults and 3DCs fit in one car, 2 adults and 4dcs do not). You just seem annoyed it was the partner not her father who called

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 09/02/2019 00:06

I suppose it is the Ex's partner who will be doing the bulk of the cooking, organising etc. It really is only fair to have the manners to firm up arrangements, not leave people hanging. I know you are going to reinforce that your daughter has problems, but you cant go through life with a shrugs and a 'I'll see how I feel tomorrow' attitude. Her friends will eventually get pissed off at her flakiness and it doesn't bode well for holding down a job. Both of which scenarios will leave her isolated and further depressed.

Yes she's old enough to have a an opinion, but that shouldn't include keeping others dangling until the last minute. If she doesn't want to go, then she should make that decision today so everyone else can crack on with their weekends plans.

Original poster
staceyflack · 09/02/2019 09:22

She's not depressed. And you can actually go through life however you want bossy boots.

OP posts:
Shinyletsbebadguys · 09/02/2019 09:28

Yes you can go through life how you like so why are you bitching that someone else wanted to organise her weekend?

I'm the resident parent so have no vested interest in the partners view but unless you are leaving a lot out she just rang and asked ? That's it ? And you are taking umbrage why?

Because you should be able to run things however your little heart desires and no-one else is allowed to ask questions ?

If your DD doesn't got that's her choice fair enough but it's pretty rubbish of you that you're moaning about a simple call to clarify plans

Cue drip feed where you a dd more information

Boysandbuses · 09/02/2019 09:28

And you can actually go through life however you want bossy boots.

Not really. You can try, but if you don't consider others you will find yourself isolated. It's not a nice way to be.

Brightburn · 09/02/2019 09:30

YABU, sounds to me like you're just being bloody awkward. It is not U for someone for someone to want to know wether or not someone's coming to their house. Leaving it until the morning of the day is too late IMO.

JacquesHammer · 09/02/2019 09:30

Yes, YABU to be pissed off.

I hate all this “only the ex should communicate”. She’s involved in your daughters life, wants to know - quite reasonable - what arrangements might be.

Why not just discuss with her?

Divgirl2 · 09/02/2019 09:31

Judging by your last comment it doesn't really sound as if you want anyone's opinions on this to be honest.

FWIW I think your daughter needs to be more considerate of other people's plans, as do you. Your ex probably should have called, not the partner, but either way "see how I feel in the morning" is flakey and will be impacting the weekend plans of 5 other people (not including you or your daughter). Stop giving your daughter so many excuses for opting out of life - you're not helping her in the long run.

Jimdandy · 09/02/2019 09:36

Here we go again... just another example of how Stepmothers in particular can’t win no matter what they do...

Karigan195 · 09/02/2019 09:37

Why didn’t you get your daughter to phone? It is a bit rude to leave it hanging and not take any steps yourself to resolve it when your side is in the better position to know what’s happening.

To be frank I think you’re being unnecessarily combative and should remember that good co parenting requires communication, consideration and respect from both sides. Sounds more to me like you were thinking ‘fuck him he didn’t call not my problem’ than about actually dealing with it.

Limensoda · 09/02/2019 09:41

Your ex should have called you but he hasn't so his partner has.
She's not out of order, you and your ex are.
If I was her I would make the decision she can't come because I wouldn't be messed about by her or you being indecisive. Then I'd blast him for not having sorted it out.
There's only one person NOT being a CF and that's your exes partner.

Bluelady · 09/02/2019 09:47

Stepmums really can't win, can they? Very, very unreasonable. You might find life a lot easier if you have a civilised relationship with her.

fiorentina · 09/02/2019 09:50

Having had CFS when I was younger I do sympathise with her. However I think it’s still important to be upfront with people about what you feel you can/can’t do. It is just courtesy and hopefully when she’s older and feeling better she does need to understand that or she risks annoying friends and employers.

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 09:58

Another post where nrp are seen as helpless and their partner dojng everything they should and therefore should gain rights as a parent by proxy.

She had no right to call. If she is the one doing all the cooking, shopping and arranging plans, then maybe she should question why? The only relevant question is why didn't he called when it was agreed that he would call his DD? If she refused to answer her phone, then even better reason for him to call OP to discuss the situation as thextwo parents of the child in question rather than getting his partner doing his job because its easier for him.

AmIthatbloodycold · 09/02/2019 10:02

YABU.

Totallly with the partner on this. I've been in this situation and the DC were as much part of the family as my own.

Too right I'd want to know, there is an impact on everyone else's plans

I can never understand all the comments that come up on these threads about being the ex the should do all the communication and that it's none of the partners business. What a disjointed way to live and bring up children

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 09/02/2019 10:11

YANBU. Of course an unwell 14 year old might prefer to stay home than go to her step parents house. Of course a 14 year old will have a say in visitation even the family court accept that a teenager can't be forced to have visitation.

If a child is ill plans sometimes change it's a hassle when other kids are involved but it happens. It should really be DD's dad sorting it anyway nt the step mum.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 09/02/2019 10:13

I think most of the comments are missing the point. The partner sounds like she got really arsey about DD to being there and wantedOP to face her unwell teenager to come. That is definitely unreasonable. She or DD's dad could have easily text DD and found out that way.