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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex's partner..

96 replies

staceyflack · 08/02/2019 22:57

Aibu to be pissed off that my children's dad's partner has called me to ask why our eldest daughter (nearly 14) has chosen not to go to dads tonight? DD has been off sick from school for a couple of days - she has a few issues (dyspraxia / chronic fatigue / anxiety) - she is starting counselling next week & see's an OT. She often feels generally unwell and opts out of stuff. School are very helpful. Anyway ex's partner has phoned wanting to know why she wasn't coming and if she was definitely coming tomorrow. Really pushy, so she can fix her plans. I appreciate there are others to consider. Her 2 kids and my other younger daughter are at their house. But i'm not going to force my daughter who is feeling rubbish to go when she doesn't want to. I think she's old enough to have an opinion. Ex's partner says in their family the kids dont make the decisions. CF?

OP posts:
ralphfromlordoftheflies · 09/02/2019 10:15

You think she's a CF because she wants to make plans for this weekend with the DC? 🙄

You would be starting a thread slating her if she had arranged a day out with all of the other DC and your 14 year old wasn't booked on it if she changed her mind and wanted to go there this morning.

She doesn't exist purely to hang around like a house elf waiting for your next command.

VanGoghsDog · 09/02/2019 10:22

Of course an unwell 14 year old might prefer to stay home than go to her step parents house.

You mean her father's house.

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2019 10:31

I can see why she would like to know to be honest. All you need to do is give her an answer- yes or no. Confused

My stbx’s ex and their dd have chopped and changed plans between them in the past and never thought to let either of us know. I just think it’s really rude to be honest.

0ccamsRazor · 09/02/2019 10:33

Does it really help situations such as this by behaving in a combative manner?

Is it really worth 'pulling rank' like this?

Situations such as this are rarely helped by playing parent top trumps with a step parent.

JacquesHammer · 09/02/2019 10:33

She had no right to call

Of course she does Confused

The step-mother is a part of her step-daughter’s life.

All this “only speak to the father” is totally puerile.

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 10:34

@AmIthatbloodycold, you might have decided to share all the parenting with you oh because it works we for you and that's fine, but you have no right to expect his ex to fuy support your arrangement. All she has to respect his her child's right to a relationship with their dad.

It's sounds like OP is accept g this and is happy to discuss thing with him. She doesn't owe his new partner anything but neutrality. He should have called himself and then relay the information to his partner.

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2019 10:36

You think she's a CF because she wants to make plans for this weekend with the DC? 🙄

Exactly! Oh how horrible that she wants to make plans at the weekend for the kids and wants to know whether those plans include her stepchild or not.

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 10:37

The step-mother is a part of her step-daughter’s life
Only by default though and indeed could disappear as quickly as she came if she decided to leave her partner. She might mean something to the child, hopefully so, but she doesn't have to mean anything to OP.

Surely she could have contacted her sd directly anyway.

AmIthatbloodycold · 09/02/2019 10:37

As I said Swing what a disjointed way of life

Bluelady · 09/02/2019 10:38

These situations are so ridiculous. Only communicate through the ex. Only communicate with pils via their son. It's just madness. Talk to each other, people!

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2019 10:39

To anyone saying she has no right to call.

I suppose you’d be ok with the stepmum just taking her kids out then without checking if her stepchildren will be going to, because after all, she has no right to call has she? Some people just want it both ways all the time!

JacquesHammer · 09/02/2019 10:39

She might mean something to the child, hopefully so, but she doesn't have to mean anything to OP

I just find attitudes like that so childish

In any event, why would she have to “mean something” to the OP for the OP to be willing to discuss arrangements with her? Confused

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2019 10:42

And who says she’s his “new wife”? They could have been together longer than OP and her ex.

It’s not just the SM DC OP and DD14 are potentially inconveniencing, OP’s other DD is also there.

katykins85 · 09/02/2019 10:43

Sorry OP, but I thought you were unreasonable, then looked at previous posts and now think you are definitely unreasonable. I'm sorry things wirh your ex husband are still so raw for you after so long, but that doesn't mean his GF can't be a positive influence in your daughters life. I really think she was just being considerate.

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2019 10:43

Some people are making the ex out to be this hugely important golden person who should never be contacted by the new partner. They should be really difficult to get hold of but yet still be able to call the shots on everyone else’s lives.

It’s weird.

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 10:44

@AmIthatbloodycold, disjuncted because à father can't take responsibility for his role as a parent. Very odd. I'm with new partner, it wouldn't cross to get him to call my ex to discuss my kids, nor calling a school to discuss their education on my behalf. It doesn't make us a dijuncted family, on the opposite, it makes us a family where parents do what pars ts do rather than passing it on to someome else because it makes our life easier.

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2019 10:45

In any event, why would she have to “mean something” to the OP for the OP to be willing to discuss arrangements with her? confused

I can say with absolute certainty that me and my stbx’s ex mean absolutely fuck all to each other, but we still contact each other within reason if we need to! It’s called being an adult and not playing silly games.

JacquesHammer · 09/02/2019 10:45

I consider my DD’s step-mum to be another parent.

She has every right to be fully involved in DD’s life.

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 10:51

She has every right to be fully involved in DD’s life
We officially she doesn't. If you are happy with it though, that's perfect. In my case, it went the other way, both agreeing that she wasn't a replacement parent and that any issues should be dealt by ex and I, so it worked great too. I have full respe t for her, like her as a person, but any matters to do with the kids wellbeing and education is between me and ex.

For those who see themselves as much of a parent, is it because your partner can't be bothered to do it 5hemselves and rely on you to do so. If so why?

Original poster
staceyflack · 09/02/2019 10:52

Bloody hell... thats a backlash! I was neither pulling rank or being arsey. I have always been respectful to ex's partner. And we often communicate effectively, if not affectionately. Truth is DD doesn't want to go, but doesnt want to hurt their feelings. She is a lovely, kind girl and i am trying to help her learn that you cant please everyone and getting your own needs met can piss others off. I'm trying to help her make her own choices / be assertive. I suppose the partner was doing that for her self and i understand she wanted to know - but i didnt know, as DD wasnt sure. And now do they know, she's not coming and its all ok. But the partners aproach to me last night wasn't right i thought. I felt pressured and i think they put that on my daughter too - and that's not ok. There's no residency - they normally do week on week off at each house. But older daughter quite often chooses to be with me more, as she often feels ill. My ex should phone our DD directly as surely thats the priority relationship to nuture.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 09/02/2019 10:54

but we still contact each other within reason if we need to!
That's the frux of it, if need to. When would you need to though? I supposed if my ex had to go away for a month and the kids still wanted to spend the weekend with their SM, then yes, I would have happily talk to her about plans.

In this instance though, it was agreed that OP's ex would call, so why didn't he and his partner did it on his behalf, not so much to talk plans but clearly to give OP a hard time for not forcing her girl to go to her dad?

JacquesHammer · 09/02/2019 10:55

both agreeing that she wasn't a replacement parent

Who mentioned anything about a replacement?

For those who see themselves as much of a parent, is it because your partner can't be bothered to do it 5hemselves and rely on you to do so. If so why?

What a sad attitude. I see my daughter as lucky enough to have three parents who adore her, put her needs first and all parent her. There’s no negative in that.

FromDespairToHere · 09/02/2019 10:56

I don't get what the partner has done wrong here at all. Off to AS the OP now

Bluelady · 09/02/2019 10:58

@swingofthings, I've been a step parent for 21 years. My step kids and their mum all regard me as a parent. Not because their dad can't be arsed but because they've been part of my life for most of their lives and we love each other. Their mum is a decent human being who recognises that someone else loving her kids can only be a benefit to them.

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 10:58

My ex should phone our DD directly as surely thats the priority relationship to nuture
I think this really sums it up. If your DD doesnt want to go, because clearly she feels she isn't comfortable being ill there, then that's what needs to be tackle ASAP.

This means him trying to discuss it with her directly or if he feels he isn't getting anywhere with it, discussing the best way forward with you, potentially meeting the three of you to discuss a compromise/way forward.

This has nothing to do with planning weekends, it has to do with her teenager who has mental health issues and is avoiding going to visit her dad, which long term could be quite disastrous.

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