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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex's partner..

96 replies

staceyflack · 08/02/2019 22:57

Aibu to be pissed off that my children's dad's partner has called me to ask why our eldest daughter (nearly 14) has chosen not to go to dads tonight? DD has been off sick from school for a couple of days - she has a few issues (dyspraxia / chronic fatigue / anxiety) - she is starting counselling next week & see's an OT. She often feels generally unwell and opts out of stuff. School are very helpful. Anyway ex's partner has phoned wanting to know why she wasn't coming and if she was definitely coming tomorrow. Really pushy, so she can fix her plans. I appreciate there are others to consider. Her 2 kids and my other younger daughter are at their house. But i'm not going to force my daughter who is feeling rubbish to go when she doesn't want to. I think she's old enough to have an opinion. Ex's partner says in their family the kids dont make the decisions. CF?

OP posts:
whilethechiefputsshineonleith · 09/02/2019 10:59

it sounds like your problem is your exs partner.

Original poster
staceyflack · 09/02/2019 11:00

I've given the woman flowers before FFS and do thank her for everything she does for my girls. We are very different households and that does complicate things. Yes, my other daughter is there. We are all individuals are we not? Ps. They have large people carrier - who fits in the car is not an issue.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 09/02/2019 11:03

When would you need to though?

Well seeing as I’ve been a sahp for a few years now and do most of the day to day stuff, I can see plenty of reasons to contact me and vice versa. One example was when dsc was starting maths club after school and seeing as I was going to be doing the pick up and not stbx, it makes absolute sense to speak to me! Why would she discuss that with him?

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 11:03

Good for those who consider their kids step-parents as another parent, all fine is everyone is happy with it, but it is not a right, sorry. Step parents can come and go in children's life and have no legal rights. As such, they are not an equal parent. Of course time can change things. As a adult now, I consider my step mother almost as another parent.ut I certainly didn't when I was a kid.

I don't consider my OH another parent to my kids and neither does he, nor my kids and that's fine be s'use we also all agree. It is not something you can demand just because you want it.

Saying that OP has clarified that this not the main issue.

timeisnotaline · 09/02/2019 11:04

Your update was quite reasonable but speaking of being arsey, your comment earlier! If you’re grumpy your ex isn’t trying harder don’t take it out on his partner, or mumsnet for that matter
And you can actually go through life however you want bossy boots.
You can but it doesn’t have to work out well for you...

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2019 11:06

As such, they are not an equal parent

Well with that logic then, they shouldn’t have to step up and help with anything then should they?

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 11:07

Well seeing as I’ve been a sahp for a few years now and do most of the day to day stuff, I can see plenty of reasons to contact me and vice versa. seeing as I’ve been a sahp for a few years now and do most of the day to day stuff, I can see plenty of reasons to contact me and vice versa
But I assume that was something discussed and agreed with your partner. I expect he didn't contact his ex and said that as you were going to be a SAHM, you'd be picking up more of his pare ting duties and would she be fine with communicating with you rather than him? It was assumed that she a cepted the new situation. She might be perfectly happy with it, maybe even relieved, but maybe not and she can't be forced to agree to it if she doesn't like it.

Bluelady · 09/02/2019 11:08

@swingofthings, what IS your issue? Nobody said it was a right, ffs. Just accept different people do things differently.

Original poster
staceyflack · 09/02/2019 11:08

Disastrous sounds a bit dramatic. But i agree with your gist. Yes, its sad she cant always be open with him. It's not constant though and i do encourage her. She has a very good relationship with both her dad and his partner generally. As i say DD is starting counselling next week and hopefully this will help the dynamic and take the adults subconscious (or otherwise!) narks out of the picture. Its true, i dont like them. But i'm not a game player and do all i can to support the children's relationships with them both.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 11:10

I think it's fair of her to ask the question, and request a decision is made.

Right now you sound very stressed and hard work. I'm not sure if this is how you normally are or if something is causing it today.

explodingkitten · 09/02/2019 11:12

Truth is DD doesn't want to go, but doesnt want to hurt their feelings.

I understand that it's difficult but it's really not nice to hold a whole family's planning hostage because she can't decide to how say no. In that case I think you should coach her or say it for her.

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 11:12

Nobody said it was a right, ffs. Just accept different people do things differently
Imy posts are clear that I accept that people can do things differently. I reacted to a poster who stated that a lack of a step parent acting as a parent made for a disjuncted family. It doesn't.

explodingkitten · 09/02/2019 11:13

Since this had an effect on her planning that involves her own children as well I absolutely support that she called you. In fact I bet that she asked dad to call first but he was to lame to do it.

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 11:15

Right now you sound very stressed and hard work. I'm not sure if this is how you normally are or if something is causing it today
So OP is hard work but the ex is blame free for being pushy for a response that OP couldn't give her.? Not biased at all.

OP, will there be some joint counselling sessions too? It might be good if your ex could get involved too. As your DD told you why she does t want to go some weekends?

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2019 11:16

swing luckily she is perfectly fine with it, but really it would have been tough if she did have a problem with it. And she would have been the one creating problems for her child nobody else.

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 11:16

In fact I bet that she asked dad to call first but he was to lame to do it
then she should take her frustrations on him, not OP.

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 11:18

And she would have been the one creating problems for her child nobody else
Of course because its always the ex who's unreasonable if not happy to go with what the ex and/or sm demands :(

HerondaleDucks · 09/02/2019 11:23

This is really funny to me; my dps ex normally contacts me over my dp regarding contact as she finds me easier to talk to. I am a resident parent though, step or not... I am a bloody parent.

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 11:30

Herondale, being a resident parent is quite different and yes, sometimes se ex find it easier to speak with the new partner and that's great if all agrre to it. Would she have a right to insist to talk to you only if your OH wanted all communication to go through him?

WickedWitchInTheCupboard · 09/02/2019 11:37

I find it sad on these threads the amount of people who always say 'she has no right to do x y or z'.

Always the same posters who bash a step parent for not caring/being involved enough funnily.

How long has she been in your daughters life OP? If she's been around since your daughter was small I think she has just as much right to want to know what is happening.

If your ex had your DD with him and he'd told you earlier she may or may not want to come to you over the weekend. Would you not be wanting to know either way come the night before? Especially if you had other children you needed to plan around?

If I told my mother or father OR step father I may be coming at weekend, it would be unreasonable of me to leave it until the day/night before to decide to tell them actually I'm not. It wouldn't be unreasonable of them to want to know so they could plan around it.

WickedWitchInTheCupboard · 09/02/2019 11:45

if not happy to go with what the ex and/or sm demands

But it isn't unreasonable to want to know what's happening with contact over the weekend to me.

We've had so many issues with DHs ex telling us it's one night and then asking to swap the night before when we've made plans or saying she doesn't know yet what nights the kids will be with us right up until a few hours before.

It's nothing to do with being an arse, making demands or not wanting the kids to stay. It's not unreasonable to want to know what's going on and step parent or not, it does affect what you can do.

We feel like we can't ever make plans because they are constantly changed or switched or undecided until right before. It's bloody annoying!

If this is one time then thats different but it's not unreasonable for SM to want to know.

Somethingsmellsnice · 09/02/2019 12:00

And we often communicate effectively, if not affectionately.

And this was the reason why she felt it was ok to communicate with you this time so therefore not unreasonable. It was not out of the usual for her to be calling/not the first time ever.

Perhaps you should have just answered with I am afraid she is still feeling unwell and I think it unlikely she will be coming so work on that basis especially as you knew she didn't want to go. If it is an ongoing issue that your DD does not want to go then that is a different conversation to be had with ex, you and DD together. But on this one occasion YABU to call the ex's DP a CF>

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2019 12:05

Of course because its always the ex who's unreasonable if not happy to go with what the ex and/or sm demands

What’s with the sad face? Confused And who is demanding anything? Communicating with another adult who has been in your child’s life for years is nothing to feel hard done by about ffs 🙄

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2019 12:06

Unless that adult is a bitch. Which I’m not Wink

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 09/02/2019 12:06

@swingofthings you are, without fail, always present on threads relating to step parents and regardless of each situation you consistently slate the step parent. You seem to have a blanket approach that all step mothers are wrong, bad, selfish etc etc. Stop with the hidden agenda.