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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex's partner..

96 replies

staceyflack · 08/02/2019 22:57

Aibu to be pissed off that my children's dad's partner has called me to ask why our eldest daughter (nearly 14) has chosen not to go to dads tonight? DD has been off sick from school for a couple of days - she has a few issues (dyspraxia / chronic fatigue / anxiety) - she is starting counselling next week & see's an OT. She often feels generally unwell and opts out of stuff. School are very helpful. Anyway ex's partner has phoned wanting to know why she wasn't coming and if she was definitely coming tomorrow. Really pushy, so she can fix her plans. I appreciate there are others to consider. Her 2 kids and my other younger daughter are at their house. But i'm not going to force my daughter who is feeling rubbish to go when she doesn't want to. I think she's old enough to have an opinion. Ex's partner says in their family the kids dont make the decisions. CF?

OP posts:

TeddybearBaby · 09/02/2019 12:08

I can’t believe the amount of people who think your daughter should have decided how she was going to feel the night before. I’ve had times when I’ve been ill and had plans the next day. I’d say ‘I’ll come if I’m up to it’. I think if I was you I’d have said to the new partner something like go ahead with your plans, don’t let dd stop anything and we’ll work round you if she’s better and that affects you.

Seems like it’s all worked out now though ☺️

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2019 12:09

It’s not a hidden agenda anymore. She hated her own stepmother and her husband is a completely detached stepfather so she’s unwilling or unable to imagine a scenario where a step parent adds anything positive to a child’s life. It’s sad but at least it’s predictable.

WickedWitchInTheCupboard · 09/02/2019 12:10

I’d have said to the new partner something like go ahead with your plans, don’t let dd stop anything and we’ll work round you if she’s better and that affects you

That would be reasonable to say. Calling her a CF and being pissed off at her wanting to know, isn't.

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2019 12:11

swing I’m about to become a resident parent/golden ex/single parent. Can I have some tips on how to play the poor more card? I might do it on April Fools day!

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2019 12:11

*Poor me

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 12:56

You seem to have a blanket approach that all step mothers are wrong, bad, selfish etc etc. Stop with the hidden agenda
Not true at all I've participated to a number of threads when I've agreed with the poster (am) or disagree with the rp but these are never picked up because it is considered normal. The moment I disagree with the action of a SM, it is being jumped on.

On this case, I don't think the sm is bad or selfish, OP says she is nice. I however agree it shouldn't have been her calling OP to find out if her DD was coming and giving her grief when she said she didn't know. She should have called DD herself, or failing that, her father should have called.

Thinking that diesnt make me a SM basher :)

Funinthesun, I'm sure you'll be a great resident parent. Have full admiration for sp who take on that role, usually when the mother of the child is not up to the role.

Birdsgottafly · 09/02/2019 13:11

,"but you cant go through life with a shrugs and a 'I'll see how I feel tomorrow'"

Yet that is the nature of chronic fatigue. That was my life for nearly three years, I'm finally coming out of the other side.

Firstly you should have reminded her that your DD is a Young Adult and not a child, so she does get to decide.

I don't see her issue, you just have a plan A&B, as you would if a child with the same health issues lived with you.

She isn't a Cf, but doesn't sound as though she really understands your DD's issues.

That's what needs addressing.

WickedWitchInTheCupboard · 09/02/2019 13:25

But OPs DD has already said she doesn't want to go but doesn't want to hurt their feelings.

Surely then OP should be saying to her DD that she really needs to be letting her Dad know the truth, that she doesn't want to come tomorrow, so that they can make arrangements for the weekend. It's only fair.

Issues and illness aside (which I'm sorry your DD is struggling with), she doesn't want to go. She's told you she doesn't. It's not fair then to keep everyone else wondering what's going, unable to make any solid plans etc... because she doesn't want to upset them.

PPs have spoken about DD being a young adult and being treated as such. Right, well part of being an adult is dealing with situations like this and thinking about others too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2019 13:29

A young adult? At 14? Who’s incapable of texting or calling her own dad when she’s the one changing the plan?

If she’s old enough to make decisions that impact on other people she’s old enough to explain and own them. She’s clearly not and even her mum is afraid to ask her to decide whether or not she’s going so let’s not be ridiculous.

TheSerenDipitY · 09/02/2019 13:51

her calling and asking wouldnt bother me,
assuming she isnt a total bitch and is kind to my kids,
but the last comment would annoy me, especially if i had explained that she was unwell,
you and her obviously parent differently and she needs to understand that in YOUR house you take into account the girls wants and needs and allow their choices/opinions to effect your decisions on matters that involve them directly

WickedWitchInTheCupboard · 09/02/2019 14:05

TheSerenDipitY

The DD has decided and she doesn't want to go. She just hasn't told her dad or SM because she doesn't want to upset them. OP knows this.

In my eyes it's unreasonable not to push DD to tell them the truth so they can arrange their weekend.

HerondaleDucks · 09/02/2019 15:04

I mean the gf may have come across as pushy because she was disappointed and she had things planned. Or she maybe doesn't understand what health issues and mental health problems this young lady is going through. Would it not be sensible to have a conversation with the dad and her to explain and that she doesn't always feel well enough to go out.
I don't understand why step parents need to be kept in the dark because it's not their right to be in communication with both parents.
This is where mistakes and miscommunication happen.
My dps ex chooses to communicate with me and my dsd over my dp. He doesn't mind this as he knows that it's fine. And my dps ex knows that I am an equal parent and I'm the only one that really enables her to have contact because she won't enable herself and my dp is fed up of all the hurt, upset and problems she causes. I'm just the bigger person pulling everyone along for the best interests of the children. Who cares whether it's the parents or step parents as long as the CHILDREN are being put first.

Original poster

staceyflack · 09/02/2019 17:38

You know, i can almost see every point of view on here. There is of course loads of back story. I've always done my utmost to put the kids first. Mine and hers. But hers dont like me and my partner because of the judgements made by my ex and her. (They dont know us). As i say we live very differently. I dont think the partner accepts my DD's diagnosis. They are kind of 'stuff & nonsense...buck up', private educated background. So they push her to do stuff too - which upsets her. Blah blah blah. Yes you are right me and my DD need to talk straighter / be more honest and stop trying so hard to not hurt others feelings. I have been trying to protect her from having to choose between her parents - its a very challenging balancing act. I can only do my best as anyone can. But onne cant please everyone. My ex has a very critical way when pissed off / out of control / not getting what he wants and this is spewed mostly on to me but sometimes on our children. I'm guessing likely on his partner too. As i say there's a lot of story. Anyway... thanks for your help one and all. I had no problem with her phoning me, only the tone of the conversation. I called someone bossy boots, because of what i felt was a patronising post. I dont think any of my friends or colleagues would describe as hard work. In fact, i have probably been overly tolerant, not assertive enough with my ex and unfortunately, my eldest daughter is just like me!! Thanks again for all your comments and advise. 🙂🙂🙂🌻🌻🌻

OP posts:

PooleySpooley · 09/02/2019 17:49

I think at 14 they are old enough to pick and choose (my step daughters do).

They should be encouraged to be polite though and let others know their plans at the earliest opportunity as it’s a pita not knowing who I need to feed (I do the cooking and shopping).

Original poster

staceyflack · 09/02/2019 18:00

Fare do's 'PooleySpooley' 🙂

OP posts:

magoria · 09/02/2019 18:03

The dad knew why his DD wasn't there because she was ill. OP had already told him.

There was no need for his DP to phone up and ask why she wasn't there as well.

flameycakes · 09/02/2019 18:06

Has your daughter been witness to any criticism of you by your ex and his partner by any chance?

Original poster

staceyflack · 09/02/2019 18:20

Yes. That's how i know. They've told me. He doesnt realise that i've helped maintain his relationship with our children (for our children)... i've bent over backwards actually. But he blames me for all his difficulties and gets very angry. The old expression, 'it's the quiet ones you have to watch' was made for him. I think that's part of what prevents both me and my daughter from inviting his disapproval. It's so much agro. And i guess i was defensive when the partner called, i really dont want agro from her too! They are mr & mrs passive aggressive.

OP posts:

flameycakes · 09/02/2019 18:24

Your daughter must feel protective over you, they sound a pair of horrors, don't pander and don't let them upset you, it will work itself out in the long run, believe me I know, sending you both big hugs and lots of love xxx

outpinked · 09/02/2019 18:26

It’s between you and your ex and tbh at 14, she should be communicating with her Dad herself rather than through a third party.

Original poster

staceyflack · 09/02/2019 18:36

Thanks 'flameycakes'... i'm hoping this is the start of it working its self out. It's been a nightmare for 6 years! And honestly we are all knackered. 🌻

OP posts:

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